Fight Night By Peter Steckley
Cast
The Announcer
Mr. Locke, a good friend of Mr. Cartes.
Mr. Cartes, teacher to both Mr. Locke and Mr. Huxley
Mr. Luther, a somewhat irritable theologian
Mr. Stewart, Luther?s colleague, a mousey little schemer
Mr. Newton, an overbearing and successful scientific debater.
Setting
A strange forum somewhere where contests of intellect and wit have a great deal of merit and men come from all across space and time to witness these titanic confrontations. This is what goes on behind the scenes of the main event, the fans and supporters of the debaters and their attitudes during the title match of the century.
Production Notes
This play can be put on by a minimum of 6 or 7 people, leaving a few spaces for some extras and Mr. Newton?s flunkies, but as most of these characters have no lines their presence is negligible depending on the production. The actor/actress playing the announcer should not be recast as any other characters. Mr. Luther should be played by a short man on the chubby side while Mr. Stewart in contrast should be tall and skinny. All costuming should involve a variety of Victorian menswear and can vary from character to character depending on the tastes of the production, Mr. Newton should be dressed very loudly with as many bright colors as his costuming will allow. Props could include books, umbrellas, canes and other hand held accessories for the characters, monocles for both Stewart and Luther could be entertaining. To add some flavor an optional suggestion might involve all of the characters carrying large sports fan paraphernalia (giant foam hands with #1 on them, signs, wearing jerseys over their suits and the like) in order to hammer home the ?sports night? satire that this setting implies.
Scene 1
A man stands alone on stage with lighting directly on him, the rest of the stage is dark.
The Announcer: For your viewing pleasure I have the privilege to announce a tantalizing treatment of titanic treatises from some of today?s most transcendental transcribers. What you are about to behold is a theological and philosophical rumble, befit for the finest thinkers and speculators, introspecters and extroverts, preachers and teachers. Here only the mightiest may pit their wits and test their jests on questions arising on the very musings that govern our existence. Our debaters today, an esteemed newcomer all the way from the late Victorian atheists, Mr. Huxley, and his opponent, our defending champion, a startling figure of faithful intellect, the illustrious Mr. Calvin. Yes, an exciting debate on fate and fatality, morality and mortality, reason and the real. So sit back and relax and prepare to be amazed. (Exit Left, Black)
Scene 2
Scene opens on an empty stage with two podiums facing one another atop a large wooden stand, several people are mulling about in the background all talking amongst themselves. Two older gentlemen enter right and stand in front of the stage.
Mr. Luther: Marvelous day for a debate is it not Mr. Stewart?
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, a fine day, I do believe we are in for quite a show.
Mr. Luther: Quite, I find myself terribly intrigued by this Huxley fellow, I?m quite well acquainted with Mr. Calvin but I?ve never really been very familiar with that lesser class of people.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, lesser is quite the appropriate word, strange folk them, Mr. Huxley is oft seen in company with that fool Mr. Locke, and they are both seen in the company of that disgraceful Mr. Carte?.
Mr. Luther: Terribly disgraceful, such foolish and ill informed men should hardly be allowed to associate in public, what will people say.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, now let us adjourn, we must get a bite to eat before the debate!
Mr. Luther: Fine idea my good Mr. Stewart!
Both exit right as the announcer enters left and walks up onto the large wooden platform and stands in the center, all surrounding cast immediately come to attention.
The Announcer: Good Afternoon my good intellectual daredevils, in a few moments we will begin our production. Be warned, this is not a place for the faint of mind nor weak of conviction, all fence sitters will be politely escorted from the building so please choose up sides if you would, it will greatly hurry things along. And oh yes, if there is a Mr. Glannville in the house, you?re principles have been found in the lobby and are waiting at the concierge. (Exit left)
Two men enter left as the announcer leaves, both are walking and examining the stage set up.
Mr. Locke: Our good friend Mr. Huxley?s day in the sun, and a good one too it appears, I never had this kind of crowd at my first debate.
Mr. Cartes: Our esteemed nemesis Mr. Stewart has never been the most popular fellow I must say.
Mr. Locke: Never will be by my measure, still, your own personal time on the debate circuit was a thing of wonder in my mind.
Mr. Cartes: Ah yes, those were the good old days, exciting and driven, not like today?s half hearted criticisms, empirical theories, fools like that fruit lover Mr. Newton riding high. Pure balderdash I say.
Mr. Locke: Quite right Mr. Cartes, quite right, never in my time have I heard such nonsense as proposed by the esteemed opposition.
Mr. Cartes: We are indeed both quite correct and I?m sure our fellow would agree with us.
Mr. Luther and Mr. Stewart enter on the right, Mr. Luther is holding a large bag of popcorn and is eating it loudly.
Mr. Luther: It seems our friends have decided to grace us with their august presence, how are you my dear Mr. Cartes, Mr. Locke, here to watch our lad trounce the witless Mr. Huxley I assume?
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, your good Mr. Huxley does not stand a chance against the great and mighty intellect of Mr. Calvin.
Mr. Locke: Your kind are a dying breed, and our esteemed colleague Mr. Huxley will make short work of Mr. Calvin you can be rest assured.
Mr. Luther: Bah, our side is gaining influence and confidence, faith is once again a viable option. Uncertainty breeds our supporters like a force of nature, you can hardly hope to compete with the raw will behind us.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther.
Mr. Cartes: The reasonable have far more on their side then simplistic explanations and dodgy arguments that turn back on themselves. Your works are highly suspect and your conclusions ill informed. Frankly my good sirs, I do not think either of you have a shred of merit.
Mr. Luther: Now, now Mr. Cartes, I know our mutual friend Mr. Huxley is your personal protégé but you are overreacting a touch, but it?s to be expected from men like you.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, a fine point indeed.
The Announcer enters once again from stage left, walking across to stand on the platform, he coughs a few times until the audience quiets down.
The Announcer: My good sirs and madams, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our mediator for the evening, the esteemed Mr. Newton, now any of you unfamiliar with our illustrious guest, he is best known for his work in the fruit industry, testing the quality of fallen apples I hear, he is also quite famous for his work in the exciting field of vital temperance, also involving apples.
Mr. Newton, dressed like a Victorian Elvis, enters to massive applause and the screaming of a group of female fans.
Mr. Newton: Good Afternoon my fine fellows, I see many an interesting face here today, why over here we have the overbearing and overweight Mr. Luther, and his shifty friend the illustrious Mr. Stewart, and right beside them the colorful and oh so introspective figure of Mr. Cartes and his colleague the ever so agreeable, and oh so bland, Mr. Locke. Yes quite the crowd indeed, rarely have I seen quite so much spiteful company assembled in one place. Tonight?s stars must feel quite nervous with all this ?talent? here today, so without further adieu I present tonight?s debaters, the good challenger Mr. Huxley and his illustrious opposition, the defending title champion, Mr. Calvin.
Black
Scene 3
The Announcer is standing on the platform alone with only lighting on him.
The Announcer: And that would be round one my good people and what a round it was. The arguments were fast and furious, the rebuttals calm and composed. Never in my three years on this honorable circuit have I seen such grace and sportsmanship among such bitter rivals. Mr. Huxley unleashing a devastating display of didactic diction right off the cuff and Mr. Calvin responding in kind with his own riveting repertoire of rhetoric, and indeed by mid round such aggressive arguing left our august . Such fine finesse from such fine We will now have a 15 minute recess before the next round to give our champions some time to recover so feel free to visit our propaganda stands to feed your mind and dull your wits, enjoy the subversion and please be here for round 2, thank you.
Mr. Locke and Mr. Cartes enter right.
Mr. Locke: That is some fine work by our boy Huxley, wouldn?t you agree Mr. Cartes?
Mr. Cartes: Utterly, our friend Mr. Huxley gave that deluded cleric a run for his money if I do say so myself.
Mr. Locke: I say it as well, so thus you do not say it by yourself, we both say it. Reason has good cause to be happy today, in high style we ride and our enemies flee before us.
Mr. Cartes: Yes we do Mr. Locke, Uncompromising vision and order are today?s special. (Locke and Cartes go on chatting quietly)
Mr. Luther and Mr. Stewart enter left and stand on the opposite end of the platform.
Mr. Luther: The nerve of that man insulting us all like that, who does he think he is?
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, he had no right to treat you like that.
Mr. Luther: It?s men like him that are the problem with the world I tell you, all head and no heart, if I weren?t such a good man I?d pop him one right in the jaw.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, and a mighty blow it would be, truly tremendous!
Mr. Luther: That man should be banned from the circuit, he?s a disgrace and a show boater, his wild fruit nonsense has no place in a respectable forum.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, entirely inappropriate.
Mr. Locke: Feeling a little peevish are we?
Mr. Luther: My good Mr. Locke, you should feel no less insulted by that odious hack!
Mr. Locke: I see no reason to break temperance and countenance purely because some overstuffed egotist saw fit to demean me in public, on those of lesser character are known to indulge in such petty displays.
Mr. Luther: Quite right Mr. Locke, ever the reasonable gentlemen I suppose, frequently blasé and always lacking feeling and conviction.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, ever the ?worthy? nemesis?.
Mr. Locke: Now, now Mr. Luther, now is no time to get yourself into a tizzy, why here comes your good friend Mr. Newton, hardly a time to be lacking in composure.
Mr. Newton enters right followed by a small entourage of extras (two or three)
Mr. Newton: Fine start to an afternoon wouldn?t you say? I do admit that you all held up rather well under my criticisms earlier, hope I wasn?t too offensive chaps.
Luther starts to fluster and begins to get very angry, Mr. Stewart holds him back
Mr. Cartes: Ever the gentlemen Mr. Newton, ever the gentlemen, so gracious in enjoying fruitfulness of your labors and so sweetly reminding the rest of us what a tart you are.
Mr. Newton harrumphs loudly and starts to exit, then turns around.
Mr. Newton: I work in a legitimate field my good sir, I work with science, not random speculation and foolish introspection as you do, it is men like me, ambitious and logical who shall rule the new world, hardly fools like you.
Mr. Locke: And what a world it will be won?t it, full of boring stiffs without an original thought in their head, concerned far too much about the state of seed and juice than the condition of humanity I gather.
Mr. Newton harrumphs again and exits left.
Mr. Luther: That man is a menace, a disgrace to the circuit and to the calling, why he should be banned.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, not a smidgen of class and less modesty to be sure.
Mr. Cartes: Now, Now Gentlemen , it is not the time to be getting worked into a tizzy, it is hardly befitting of our immense composures to fall into such infinitesimal insults.
Mr. Luther: You?ve never been one to put up with such nonsense before Mr. Cartes, why so calm?
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, I believe that there is something particularly strange about the composure of our good Mr. Cartes this afternoon.
Mr. Cartes: Think what you will, I am in dire need of some refreshment and will bid you adieu for now.
Mr. Locke: ah, I will join you, farewell until next round gentlemen.
Both Locke and Cartes exit in unison and the announcer enters once more to stand on the stage.
Mr. Luther: I do not understand how they can be so calm about that offensive hack Mr. Newton.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, something is amiss with those two, I can feel it.
Mr. Luther: I believe your assumption to be correct, we will have to have faith that it will unfold itself this afternoon, in time for us to witness it.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, we may very well be in for quite a show, and time enough to implement our own plans..
Both Luther and Stewart exit opposite Locke and Cartes and the lighting on stage shifts to the Announcer.
The Announcer: Welcome back for round two my courageous contemplators. Over the course of our intermission you may have noticed the commotion in the stands beginning to almost overwhelm the debate itself. Our prestigious mediator?s comments did noticeably not go unheard and he saw the nigh unpleasant consequences of those in his brief but ever so entertaining encounter with Mr. Locke and Mr. Cartes, something tells me we haven?t seen the end of this commotion and may very well be in store for two shows today. However now is not the time for spectator speculations as our pugilistic philosophers are warming up for our second round of rapid fire reflection and striking supposition.
The announcer backs out of the light and the lights fade.
Scene 4
Full lighting on stage, Mr. Locke and Cartes enter left talking amongst themselves while Mr. Luther and Mr. Locke are sitting in chairs facing the stage.
Mr. Locke: Well my good Mr. Cartes, it appears as if the illustrious competition has made a comeback in this second round. Our good Mr. Huxley was only just able to defend himself.
Mr. Cartes: His rebuttals were certainly admirable but our good Mr. Huxley is certainly going to have to come on stronger in the next round or it?s curtains for us.
Mr. Locke: Patience Mr. Cartes, patience, we still have work to do here do we not?
Mr. Cartes: Quite right Mr. Locke, quite right.
The Announcer enters from the right and starts mulling over cue cards on stage.
The Announcer: Tempers run high in the crowd and the debate heats up to an argumentative apex of articulate approximation. They?re neck in neck ladies and gentlemen, the good Mr. Huxley failing to finish the debate in two rounds, leaving us with a white knuckle drag out final round between these two intellectual dynamos.
Mr. Luther and Mr. Stewart stand up and walk over towards Locke and Cartes, Luther looks very pleased with himself, The Announcer exits right.
Mr. Luther: Well my friends, it appears the odds have turned in our favour.
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, quite the show for good Mr. Calvin, it appears that Mr. Huxley was unable to make any ?reasonable? conclusions.
Mr. Locke: Now my good Mr. Stewart there?s no need to use such heavy handed insults, I thought you were supposed to be a man of breeding and character. Clearly more evidently bred from a character rather than bred from those with character wouldn?t you say Mr. Cartes?
Mr. Cartes: For shame Mr. Locke, such comments are hardly appropriate here, even if Mr. Stewart can be said to come from a more interesting background than either of us, mayhaps was your mother a mouse? Or perhaps a squirrel?
Luther starts going into a rage and starts throwing mock punches at Cartes while Mr. Stewart holds him back. Mr. Newton with his flunkies enters stage right.
Mr. Newton: Even tempered as always my rotund friend, I see that our good friend Mr. Cartes has managed to raise your blood pressure more than I could, pray tell what?s his secret or are you too flustered to speak?
Luther turns and gives Mr. Newton a hopeless look and then glances back at Mr. Cartes who is grinning with delight.
Mr. Luther: What did I ever do to deserve this?!
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther, we are so very wronged we are, foul all of these horrible men.
Mr. Luther collapses sobbing and Mr. Stewart comforts him.
Mr. Locke: Mr. Newton we have been doing fine in our little contests without you, as you have reduced Mr. Luther to a quivering mass. He is hardly an amusing opponent anymore because of you.
Mr. Newton: Don?t sound too disappointed Mr. Locke, you know I was just doing lesser minds a favor by ridding them of a little filth.
Mr. Cartes: Now that was utterly uncalled for you pompous pratt, how dare you sully this hallowed site with your profane and juvenile insults. This is an arena of the mind not some school play yard.
Mr. Locke: Quite right Mr. Cartes, his insults have no flow and he clearly lacks the dedication towards the craft and flow of debate, far too much interest in pulp is my guess.
Mr. Newton: Nothing but hacks, all of you! You couldn?t even hope to achieve my grand feats of intellect, you?re nothing but worthless idea men the lot of you! Far too much time thinking and not enough time doing! You are all simply jealous, envious of my achievements, you desire my success for yourself and thus you descend to petty contests of intellect against my obviously superior intellect!
Mr. Cartes: We haven?t said a thing along the lines of a ?petty insult?, what we craft are rhetorical works of art my good Mr. Newton and if you have no appreciation for the art of rhetoric what pray tell are you doing here in the first place. Perhaps you?re a fraud yourself, none of your ever come off as particularly well constructed your conclusions are highly suspect and your logic clearly flawed in many places, so let me ask you again Mr. Newton, what are you doing here?
Mr. Luther has managed to pull himself together and is standing up once more
Mr. Newton: What am I doing here, it is you who don?t belong! A new movement is dawning, practicality and pragmatism will sweep away your foolish introspection and speculation! It will do away with foolish clerics and deluded theologians! I am the future, I don?t have to take this from overweight religious simpletons and deluded useless speculators!
Mr. Luther: How dare you! Overweight religious simpleton am I?! You, Mr. Newton have gone much too far this time! Prepare to meat your maker! Come Mr. Stewart!
Mr. Stewart: Indeed Mr. Luther! (Luther lands a slap right on Mr. Newton?s face)
Mr. Newton: You just hit me you great blimp! How dare you lay a hand on me! (Mr. Newton slaps Mr. Luther back)
Mr. Stewart: No one hits Mr. Luther! (Attempts to slap Newton but Newton avoids it and Stewart slaps Mr. Luther instead)
Mr. Luther: You just hit me!
Mr. Stewart: I meant to hit him!
Mr. Luther: Then Hit him!
Newton?s Flunkies: Hey, nobody hits the boss!
Luther and Stewart start fighting with Newton and his flunkies, flinging insults all the while.
Mr. Luther: Foppish Buffoon!
Mr. Stewart: Overdressed Cad!
Mr. Newton: Unhand me! Unhand me! You mismatched misanthropes!
Luther and Stewart: Callous, unfeeling, used theory salesman!
Mr. Newton: Worthless stargazers! Foolish priests! Crazed Clerics!
Mr. Locke and Mr. Cartes calmly observe the combat, carefully avoiding the tussling group.
Mr. Locke: Well Mr. Cartes, it seems you?ve managed to push our esteemed nemeses just a little too far this time.
Mr. Cartes: Quite so Mr. Locke, it?s a shame that they appear to have completely stolen interest from our good friend Mr. Huxley?s debate but I really don?t see and way it could have been avoided.
Mr. Locke: You?ve been planning this from the get go haven?t you?
Mr. Cartes: Very observant Mr. Locke, removing three of my most delightful and witless foes with one fell stroke of delightful embarrassment.
Mr. Locke: You never cease to amaze me Mr. Cartes, ever the schemer. Oh, and on that note, here come the authorities right now, best get a move on then.
Mr. Cartes: Indeed Mr. Locke, no reason to stick around at this point, thought it?s a bit of a shame we won?t see the finale of the debate, yet I have no doubt that our boy will trounce Calvin.
Mr. Locke: Quite right Mr. Cartes, a great shame we?ll miss it, but there is no reason to answer questions that do not need answering is there? And the authorities are liable to be asking them, so it?s best we have no reason to be here.
Mr. Cartes: No reason at all Mr. Locke, no reason at all.
Cartes and Locke exit left. Fade to black as Luther, Stewart and Newton continue their brawl.
There is a pause of about a minute and then the light comes up and only the Announcer remains on stage.
The Announcer: And there you have it, the grand finale, ending with a brutal brawl of the bright and barbaric. The scientific and secular against the spirited spiritualists in a scrap of speculation with a bit of a violent vendetta between the vast vestige of Mr. Luther and the narcissistic nihilism of Mr. Newton, quite a sight to behold. Blows were struck, men were felled, truly a wondrous war to watch. Alas it appears that though we may not have been able to witness the grand finale between Mr. Calvin and Mr. Huxley, we were still partial to an entertaining show. So come again my friends and witness more conceptual competition, cerebral contests, colloquial combats and other such courageous clashes of cortexes as it is, alas, time to go. Remember to keep your minds strong and vision unclouded, stick to your principles or you?ll get stuck and never, ever compromise, that?s the rule and law of the day. Good Night ladies and gentlemen. The Announcer exits left.
Other than that, I still have a handwriting frequently referred to as abstract art of some sort and I still get accused for using a too advanced vocabulary.
