Ok. That may be the strangest combo I think I've ever seen, a devout Christian S&M practitioner. Certainly rare, but there is never a fetishist who is alone in this world.
You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can?t Make It Hook Itself Up to a Car Battery)
- Thread starter Lara Crigger
- Start date
I like this column, but I feel she tries too hard to be "nerdy". "But in this battle, you can only be an NPC, not the tank." and "search for validation from every Tom, Dick and Sarah Connor in the phone book" is a little much. We may like games, but we don't need them referenced in things to make us interested. It's reminds me of tv shows that have a youth minister who tries to use "hip" lingo to appeal to the kids more 
Edit: I re-read and found that there weren't many references this week, but there is usually quite a bit.
Edit: I re-read and found that there weren't many references this week, but there is usually quite a bit.
Just to clarify, electric current from one nip to the other = very dangerous (it crosses the heart).
From one side of a nip to the other, not so much.
Of course, too much electicity may be a problem, no matter where it's hooked up. I'm not sure the amperage of a car battery at full charge, but I suspect it's not for light players.
238U.[footnote]In the event that Escapist requires me to view a commercial before getting a code, I will simply not post. Depending on the frequency, this may temper or cease my future participation in the Escapist community. Apologies in advance, if this policy prevents me from replying to you when it is proper to do so.[/footnote]
From one side of a nip to the other, not so much.
Of course, too much electicity may be a problem, no matter where it's hooked up. I'm not sure the amperage of a car battery at full charge, but I suspect it's not for light players.
238U.[footnote]In the event that Escapist requires me to view a commercial before getting a code, I will simply not post. Depending on the frequency, this may temper or cease my future participation in the Escapist community. Apologies in advance, if this policy prevents me from replying to you when it is proper to do so.[/footnote]
Wait, there are people out there who don't enjoy electric foreplay? Huh. Call me stumped. As to the idea of S&M loving Christians being a rarity, I may not be able to say that many are, but definitely more than a handful here and there. Dichotomous people are in abundance, after all. And that's not even stepping into the tasteless, but amusing, category of jokes about Priests and Nuns and their various levels of exposing their own repression. My advice? Go look for the sheltered ones. They tend to be the ones to really let loose, given a bit of trust and half a chance.
''Who knows, the love of your life may not know yet that she likes hooking her nipples up to jumper cables. She may just need a loving partner to introduce her to the idea.''
By far the most awesome sentence ever written in an advice column
By far the most awesome sentence ever written in an advice column
For Looking to Buff:Lara Crigger said:
You're in a very difficult position. While Ms. Crigger is right, and you can't do it for her, you've also got to be quite careful how you show support -- what I mean by this is that you need to be aware of what it is you're really supporting.
For instance, if I come up to you and say, "Should I lose some weight?" you might think that it would be a show of support to say, "No, I think you look fantastic!" This should be a way of supporting my self-image, right? Not quite.
The behavior you've just supported isn't me holding a positive self-image. It's me allowing you to hold my positive self-image. You've just shown me that I can come to you when I'm feeling low, and you'll tell me how great I am. And that feels good, so I'm going to keep doing that. And, like an emotional drug, I'm going to need more of it as time goes on.
Instead, when I ask if I should lose weight, you might consider asking me a question in return. "Why do you think you should lose weight?" Notice, I didn't say, "Why do you want to lose weight?" At this point, neither of us knows if I'm the one that wants to lose weight, of if it's just "the world" that I think wants me to. Keep the conversation short, but keep it focused on what I think about myself. And hey, there's nothing wrong with saying, after awhile, "Well, if you want to, we could do some things together -- exercise, diet, whatever. I don't think it's a big deal, but if it's important to you, I'll help."
You're putting the ball in my court. You're giving me control over the situation (whether or not I want to do this), rather than making the decision for me (even accidentally). We learn to make more confident decisions by making more decisions. Good decisions empower us. Bad decisions teach us things to avoid, and they also teach us we can survive the consequences.
We all know it's usually a bad idea to "give a man a fish," but what about situations like this, where you can't really even "teach a man to fish?" There's a third step, in which you gently and carefully guide a man into discovering fishing for himself.
Above all, just be aware of what you're really helping this girl see or learn. You don't want to seem not to care, sure -- apathy is a poison. But remember that misplaced reassurance can be a drug, too.
Dastardly gave good advice, but rather than asking "Why do you...", which can sound accusing, I would suggest instead that you answer "It's not my call to make. It's your body. It shouldn't matter what I think. What matters is what you think" or something along those lines.Dastardly said:
It can be easy to use other people as a crutch so you don't have to make your own decisions, but it doesn't build self confidence. Be ready to say things like "no, what do YOU want/think?" often.
Also while I don't suggest you stop paying compliments, be aware that complimenting someone who is insecure can backfire. The person will hear the compliment, think it's not them, and look at the divide between the compliment and "the truth", in other words compare their perceived self to the compliment and feel bad about themself. If she refuses the compliment, it won't be a compliment anymore. She needs to be the one, in the end, complimenting herself by listening to what you say, and thinking "he's right. I AM beautiful/smart/nice/whatever". And for that she needs to do things for herself and get satisfaction from it.
It can be very hard and challenging, and I certainly recommend therapy to help, but it's good that she has you there to support her.
You gotta be kidding me. Christianity is all about punishing yourself for stuff you've done or failed to do, renouncing things you like out of love for God and resisting doing things you want to do because you're told not to. How is any of that incompatible with S&M?Abedeus said:
I've found this shuts people down, particularly if they have similar attachment/abandonment issues as are evident in this case. Because it's a clear answer, "It's not my call, it shouldn't matter," it does not invite further discussion the way a question does. When I've done that myself, I get one of two responses:Avistew said:
1. She assumed it's because I don't care. And because she is already attaching her self worth to others' opinions, "I don't care about this question" becomes "I don't care about you." Especially likely if she already thinks you're looking for reasons to leave.
2. She assumed the worst possible answer. After all, what reason would I have not to answer unless I was protecting her from the harsh and awful truth--that I think she does need to lose weight?
Questions are far better at getting a person to think inwardly, because they have to search for those answers. Giving them answers allows them to focus on your answer... or, more accurately, the way in which they perceive your answer. It maintains that external locus of power. It's actually pretty critical that the questions be about her, and at first it will feel a little bit "accusatory," simply because she has spent so much time avoiding facing herself.
It can also backfire in other, sneakier ways. One of my experiences was with a girl who had an eating disorder. She believed she was fat and ugly, and this caused her to be averse to food, embarrassed to eat, and occasionally prone to vomiting after meals. When she would ask, "Do I look fat?" (or some variation of that), and we would say, "You look beautiful!" here's what she was hearing:
"Clearly what you've been doing is working, because we all think you look great. Keep up the good work!" And we were reinforcing the disorder. (Obviously if we'd done the opposite, "No, you look like you're ill or something," this wouldn't have done her any good, either--she'd feel ashamed, fall back on the destructive behaviors out of habit, but also be less likely to seek advice or help from us in the future.)
The only thing that helped was not answering the question. Deflecting questions back, but in a loving way. "Why do you ask?" or "Why do you feel that way?" got the ball rolling. No coincidence, it's the same thing her therapist ended up doing when she got help.
Well, therapists are expected to ask questions, but in my experience getting asked a 'why' question by someone else was always pretty bad. It always made me feel like anything I said needed to be justified, that I couldn't just be myself, that before saying anything or asking anything I had to prepare my justifications, etc. Really didn't help with self confidence.Dastardly said:
But I guess it depends on the person.
Absolutely, it does depend on the person.Avistew said:
A lot has to do with why this person has a lack of self-confidence. For some, it's simply that they've never tried, and they've seen others fail... lo and behold, they aren't confident enough to try. This happens sometimes with people who've seen parents go through a messy divorce (in addition to many other side effects) -- these kids can lack the confidence to try long-term relationships, because they've seen people they perceived as better and smarter fail. Others lack confidence because they've been consistently shot down themselves.
The first sort, asking them for reasons for things (in a caring way, not an "Are you nuts?!" tone) sends the subtle message that maybe they have something to contribute. The second sort, it might just come across as another challenge to their self-sufficiency.
I'd be curious to know more about the girl in this case. I'd wager these abandonment issues and self-image problems come from the family history. Perhaps parents split. Perhaps parents just almost split, maybe a nasty fight surrounding infidelity. In either case, there are a lot of unintentional "lessons" a kid learns if it's not discussed fully as a family... and kids are already prone to internalizing this kinds of things.
Now, in this case, the reason I strongly feel like this kind of question would come from the type that needs questions is simply because she demonstrates (from what we're given) such little regard for her own opinion (if she even consciously knows her opinion). What she needs is to empower that opinion by first discovering it and then owning it. Nothing in this world gives power quite like knowing the answer to "why?"
I really don't get this column. You pick letters with contents that are out of the ordinary, i.e. what most people and readers can't relate to. Therefore I thought the reason was to make the advice portion funny and entertaining.
However all the letters were approached with a serious tone, or "real" advice. Thus rendering today's column mostly useless. It's not entertaining the readers and it's not giving the readers something they could use and put to practical applications.
The escapist magazine is a geek site, I say this with the utmost respect and pride for I am a geek, however my point is: most of your readers are guys and not just any guys, young guys. To put it bluntly for practical advise they want something that can get them laid.
To all other readers including the first group we want entertainment and or enlightenment. And this column at least for this particular article serve neither purpose. The letters were not weird enough to be enlightening and the advice wasn't funny enough to be entertaining.
I hope my criticism didn't came out as rude for that wasn't the purpose of my post. My only wish is to see this column grow and improve much like movie bob wants good movies and Yahtzee wants good games.
However all the letters were approached with a serious tone, or "real" advice. Thus rendering today's column mostly useless. It's not entertaining the readers and it's not giving the readers something they could use and put to practical applications.
The escapist magazine is a geek site, I say this with the utmost respect and pride for I am a geek, however my point is: most of your readers are guys and not just any guys, young guys. To put it bluntly for practical advise they want something that can get them laid.
To all other readers including the first group we want entertainment and or enlightenment. And this column at least for this particular article serve neither purpose. The letters were not weird enough to be enlightening and the advice wasn't funny enough to be entertaining.
I hope my criticism didn't came out as rude for that wasn't the purpose of my post. My only wish is to see this column grow and improve much like movie bob wants good movies and Yahtzee wants good games.
once again, wierd, out of place column
Call me narrow minded but I find reading an article on Skyrim combat system, then reading an article on the same site about people attaching car batteries to their balls for jollies a little jarring.
im just giving my opinion and i know im not forced to read these articles, just, seems wierd
Call me narrow minded but I find reading an article on Skyrim combat system, then reading an article on the same site about people attaching car batteries to their balls for jollies a little jarring.
im just giving my opinion and i know im not forced to read these articles, just, seems wierd
Self-mutilation is equal to the commandment telling you about not taking lives. It's not a mortal sin, but it's a light sin nonetheless. Just like smoking, excessive drinking and drugs - you are not killing yourself per se, but you are hastening your death by doing so.Avistew said:
That's how priests explain when they smoke - they know it's an addiction, but not only it's out of their control, so it's not a sin, they "want to be closer to God faster". He was joking of course, but it's still a sin if you are doing it willfully and you accepted it.
Christianity is about REPENTING, not punishing. It would be WAY too easy to do something wrong and then beat yourself up with a silly straw. Nowhere says anything about having self-strangulations.
You can do it. But you have to admit it's your weakness, and fight it. You can't say "oh, it's an addiction, but I'm okay with it so I'm an okay Christian too". Then you are not really Christian.