- Feb 18, 2010
- United Kingdom
If you're not capable of enjoying someone else's company, why are you dating?I would say "having some idea you might want to sleep with someone at some point" and "finding someone immediately attractive" are quite different things.
Not everyone finds that "fun". Aromantics deserve as much recognition as asexuals.
I am demiromantic at best, and I suspect at this point I might be aromantic. I haven't had a monogamous romantic relationship since my teens. I'm not talking about romantic love, and I think anyone who professes romantic love to someone they're in the early stages of dating is kind of a big red flag anyway. Being aromantic doesn't mean you can't like people, or can't enjoy their company. It doesn't even mean that you can't love someone because there are more kinds of love than romantic love.
If your aromanticism manifests as an inability to view people as anything other than sexual prospects, then own that, and let people make informed choices about whether they can live with a relationship based only on their capacity to provide sexual release. We're literally talking about this idea that going on dates with people you don't intend to sleep with is manipulation, but going on dates with people you don't actually like and don't want to date and putting up with it so you can maybe trick them into sleeping with you seems way, way more manipulative.
And if you're talking about recognition, what you're describing is closeting. You don't get recognition for being closeted. Doing things you don't want to do because you want to convince other people you're someone you're not isn't something deserving of recognition. If someone can't admit who they are and just be happy with who they are, what recognition can they recieve?
I have ADHD. I have such intense emotions that being around other people is literally painful. People are overwhelming, and the more I like them the more overwhelming they become. If you want to talk about being an extrovert in terms of whether you get "energy" from other people, then I'm not an extrovert. Being around other people is the most exhausting experience. Don't even get me started on the experience of actually getting hurt and rejection sensitive dysphoria.Only some extrovert writes stuff like this.
What I'm talking about is social motivation, and I get it. I've gone through periods of my life of not having any social motivation, but in retrospect I always end up regretting them and looking back fondly on the times when I was meeting new people and making new friends and having new experiences. At the end of the day, other people make life interesting, and they make life unpredictable and novel and exciting in a way that nothing else does, because nothing else can substitute for the unpredictability of another person.
If you disagree, then fine. Noone is forcing you to date. But if you are going to date, why not enjoy it? Sure, maybe it's scary and maybe it's awkward, but at least it's exciting. That stage of meeting someone new and not yet knowing who they're going to be or where it's going to go is something you never get back.