Your best Joke Ever.

[Nostalgia Ripoff]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Spoiler: Warning: NSFW

There are three prisoners about to go to a judge, and he gives them two choices. Death, or oonga-boonga. The first prisoner says oonga-boonga, and the bailiff takes him into a room with a 500 pound man who proceeds to rape him. When the second prisoner is given the choice, the first says "Pick death! Pick death!" Unfortunately for him, he chose oonga-boonga, and the same thing happened. When it was the third one's turn, the first and second one screamed "PICK DEATH! PICK DEATH!" So he chose death. The judge replied "Very well. Death... by oonga-boonga.

 

[binvjoh]

Statistics show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

(also if you care to check out what I was put on probation for... I thought it was pretty funny)

I love you and your penis made of words.

 

[Gilhelmi]

OK here we go. My joke is more of a funny story

There were two brothers who were extremely wealthy from there crooked dealings. These two were rotten to the core, when local people were asked, they would nervously look around and tell you not to talk about the brothers, they were that mean.

One day, the younger brother dies of a heart attack. The older brother begins to worry "What will they say at his funeral, anything they say about him is true for me as well." So the older brother decides to hire a preacher to say that his brother was a saint. "$100,000 dollars if you call my brother a saint." No one would do it until finally a Southern Baptist Preacher said he would.

On the day of the funeral, the place was packed. None cared about the brother, they were glad he was dead, they just wanted to see the Preacher purger (legal term for lie) himself before God.

"In life he was a cheat, a thief, dirty, rotten, a horrible person all the way around. But compared to his brother he was a saint

 

[Okysho]

here's a good joke: A good FPS

-hides behind flame shield-

It's a joke!!!

 

[x EvilErmine x]

Ok how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler

Two...though how they got in the bulb in the first place is beyond me

and a longer one...

A man walks into a bar and there is a real pirate sitting on a stool by the corner.
He's one of the old school types with a eye patch, peg leg, and parrot...the works.
So the guy goes up to him and says,
'wow are you a real pirate?'
'Arr i be a pirate t'is true' says the pirate.
So the fella says.
'Well I've always wanted to meat a real pirate and do you mind if i buy you some drinks and ask a few questions?'
'Aye that be OK by me' the pirate responds.
So the man orders some drinks and sets about asking his questions. First he asks about the peg leg and how the pirate got it. To which the pirate responds by telling him about the time he was boarding a ship and got it cut off in a heroic battle. Then he asks about the hook hand. The pirate then tells him about the time he was lost on the open ocean in a rowing boat and how during a storm he lost his ores and had to paddle by hand and how a massive shark had just chomped it off.
'Wow that's amazing, so how did you get the patch' says the man.
The pirate looks a bit embarrassed but eventually says 'Arr it be the parrot that cost me an eye'
'The parrot?...how did that happen then?' the man asks
The pirate then says 'Well i be on the deck when the look out shouted down to me that he could see land. So i looks up at him and me parrot fly's over head just at that moment and shit in me eye'
'but that wouldn't cause you to loose an eye though' says the man
to which the pirate responds
'Yarr that be true, but it was me first day with the hook ya see'

 

[Mayonegg]

This is my standard party joke, it also helps that it's entirely inoffensive:

A middle age man becomes disillusioned with western life and tired of the rat race. So he goes to live with some Tibetan monks in a temple hidden deep in the mountains. All who dwell there have to take a vow of silence, only allowed to say two words every 7 years.

So he goes there, and prays and meditates for 7 years in silence. After which he goes to the head monk and says: "Bad food." The monk nods and the man goes back for another 7 years of prayer and peace. After another 7 years he approaches the head monk and says: "Cold floors." The monk nods.

7 more years pass of prayer and meditation, and the man approaches the head monk and says: "I quit."

The head monk nods and says: "That's not surprising, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[Xlr8DETH]

Spoiler: whats long black and smells like shit?

the welfare line

 

[LarenzoAOG]

Not exactly a joke but while veiwing a play in middle-school the line "sit, relax" came about and I said "take off you pants and make a sandwich", said jest was want to set the auditorium aroar.

While staying the night at a friends house he got a nose bleed, my reaction was "You shouldn't have done that blow off that hookers ass".

My favorite, while not a joke or one-liner, while listening to an inspirational speech, the guy giving the speech told us about how his mother was killed by the mob and later he found out his older sister was actually his mom, I sorta just blurted out "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN" everyone else thought it was funny but I was genuinely shocked.

 

[TheRobotandtheBeast]

Spoiler: Whats funnier than a baby on a washing line spinning at 200mph?

Stopping it with a shovel

 

[rockera]

Jack Thompson.

Ok that was a low blow so here's another one, people say Latin is a dead language, it's not. All you have to is add US onto a describing word, for example a book is 'loadus wordus', a plate is 'foodus holdus' and Jack Thompson is 'Dickheadus Maximus'

ha bigus dickus
[small]monty python for the win! [/small]

 

[Squilookle]

(also if you care to check out what I was put on probation for... I thought it was pretty funny)

Yeah, I'll give you that one. Made me laugh when I saw it, I laughed again when I realised what the text was, and started laughing harder and harder as I read through it all in it's 'new' form...

 

[The Rockerfly]

ha bigus dickus
[small]monty python for the win! [/small]

I can top that

A man comes into bar
Oh wait sorry I it was a horse
A man comes into a horse...

I lol'd hard when I first heard that joke

 

[sageoftruth]

I made a few in the past few years.
#1
Friend: I was wondering, do you even have a sex drive?

PC Gamer: Not sure. Let me check my computer.
(Don't worry, I play PC games too)

#2 (I apoligize in advance. I came up with these while working in banking)
Friend 1: So after I fell, my wallet fell out of my pocket and my bank card fell down the manhole nearby.

Friend 2: My God! That's terrible!

Friend 1: Yeah! I think I lost my balance.

3#
Banker: Are you here to take out another loan?

Client: No, not this time.

Banker: Why the sudden change?

Client: I lost interest.

 

[Irony's Acolyte]

There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

Oh and here's another one:
What's the difference between a lemon, a monster, and a bag of cement?
You can squeeze a lemon but you can't squeeze a monster.

 

[Sir Thomas Sean Connery]

If you had an Uncle named Jack, and he was stuck on a horse, would you help your Jack off a horse?

Also, RACISM!!!

Spoiler: Why don't black Mexicans get anywhere in life?

They're too lazy to steal anything.

 

[ShatteredBlack]

Q. Why did the horse win the Nobel prize?

A. 'Cause he was out standing in his field!

xD

 

[Imp Poster]

Since there is elections this November,

Q: What is the difference between a politician and a criminal?

A: Criminals steal, then run.

 

[Mr Fixit]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Mr Fixit]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Mr Fixit]

damn it...