Your Greatest Witticisms / Responses
- Thread starter KampfVerein
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A quote about money, relationships, and cynical views
"I love money, but I don't have it...I guess that means 'money' is like any girl I ever had feelings for."
"I love money, but I don't have it...I guess that means 'money' is like any girl I ever had feelings for."
I can recall a couple from work. I should point out this is office humour, so it doesn't actually have to be funny.
I arrived a couple of minutes late for work the other week, as I usually do. One guy on the next team said 'You'd be late for your own funeral', to which I replied 'Well, I'd be late at my own funeral'. He didn't get it but a few others smiled.
Back at a previous job, I was working for the police in their speeding ticket office. One day we were sending out the notifications and we noticed one was for a Chinese person named Ding Dong. I immediately deadpanned 'That name rings a bell', to the groans of all present.
I arrived a couple of minutes late for work the other week, as I usually do. One guy on the next team said 'You'd be late for your own funeral', to which I replied 'Well, I'd be late at my own funeral'. He didn't get it but a few others smiled.
Back at a previous job, I was working for the police in their speeding ticket office. One day we were sending out the notifications and we noticed one was for a Chinese person named Ding Dong. I immediately deadpanned 'That name rings a bell', to the groans of all present.
A couple of Jehova's witnesses showed up at my door one day. They did on of their usual routines: "Good Afternoon, sir. Have you already seen the light?
I turned on the lights in the hallway, said "Yes" and closed the door.
Some three years ago a friend and me were driving up to another friends new house for a visit. He had already been there and he assured me he know exactly how to get there. Knowing his ability for orientation I had my doubts but went along with it. After what should've been a 50 minute drive turned into 1h30, my suspicions were confirmed and I asked him if he knew where we were going. He answered:
"Yes, I know where we're going. I just don't know where it is."
I had to pull over to recover from the hilarity. When you think about it, it's perfectly possible.
I turned on the lights in the hallway, said "Yes" and closed the door.
Some three years ago a friend and me were driving up to another friends new house for a visit. He had already been there and he assured me he know exactly how to get there. Knowing his ability for orientation I had my doubts but went along with it. After what should've been a 50 minute drive turned into 1h30, my suspicions were confirmed and I asked him if he knew where we were going. He answered:
"Yes, I know where we're going. I just don't know where it is."
I had to pull over to recover from the hilarity. When you think about it, it's perfectly possible.
... Well done, sir.bloodmage2 said:
"What are you smoking and where can I get some?"
"You remember that bit in Saw?"
"Which bit?"
"The whole damn series."
"Yeah, why?"
"It's what you're doing to logic at the moment."
in school, im sittin beside this douche
Him : for fucks sake your taking up half the room here! (very loudly, drawing attension)
me : yep, the other halfs for you...
(laughter at him)
Him :......
Him : for fucks sake your taking up half the room here! (very loudly, drawing attension)
me : yep, the other halfs for you...
(laughter at him)
Him :......
Zing! Would've been even greater if you had a functioning watchtower in your backyard. No one responds well to searchlights.chimpzy said:
museli: bridging racial divides through terrible, terrible puns.museli said:
A co-worker of mine was pulled over for speeding(60 in a 35) and was truly expecting a ticket. The cop comes up to him and says "I have been waiting for you all day." My co-worker calmly replies "I got here as fast as I could." The cop cracks up and only gives him a warning.
I made two people actually rofl yesterday with something I said but I can't for the life of me remember what it was.
I guess I'm just too funny to remember all of my moments of mirth.
I guess I'm just too funny to remember all of my moments of mirth.
