Your problems, and answers to them

[rosac]

So, I've finally gotten over 1,000 posts. It's been a long ride, but here we go.

This thread is all about you. If you have any problems with yourself that you don't know how to fix, post it up. Then, hopefully, as others read this thread they may be able to use their own experiences to help solve the problems you face!

e.g. I find it hard to socialise and make friends IRL

My advice: do you have a friend IRL who has a hobby you've been interested in but never tried? Ask if you can go along, meet some new people. If you like the experience and the people, keep going.

For myself:

I am very hard on myself when I make a mistake. I recover eventually but I will often need over a day of feeling guilty/frustrated at myself until that happens. Any techniques/ideas to resolve this faster and allow me to just continue on?

 

[Barbas]

I procrastinate. I was supposed to post the third Forum Fiction thread about...two weeks ago? I'm sorry, Frappe. It doesn't look like I'm getting any more submissions, so I may have to drop a line in the Creative Society. :<

I've also created problems for other people by refusing to let things go sometimes. I've been too single-minded in the past and bringing things up constantly just isn't gonna do - it doesn't solve anything and it just comes across as being snarky and passive-aggressive, which is something I've complained about before. Rather understandably, nobody appreciates having to listen to someone complain and make jabs at people constantly. It also makes me feel rather stupid for having failed a little.

I have what is apparently an unusual way of speaking, which I'm not sure how to work on. Most people seem to think that shorter is better when talking to people, but the problem with that is in my own limited experience, most of the people I've seen who keep it frank or short in conversations have consistently had misunderstandings turn into pretty serious arguments that can even end relationships over something quite minor. I had very unpleasant experiences with people who spoke an acted quite shortly and so I resisted speaking like that for a long time. Over the course of several years I also lost part of the confidence and ease with which I used to read, write and speak, so I suppose it must look like I've ended up with an oddly inconsistent way of speaking. Or maybe what I mean to say comes across completely differently to how I plan it - it has occasionally felt like I'm speaking a completely different language and that's a rather stifling feeling.

To the OP: I'd say imagine every day's the first day of your life. It doesn't matter what mistakes you make today, because you can feel a completely different way tomorrow and different again the next day. Just let the little things keep the darkness at bay, as they say - a smile, a pat on the shoulder, a kind word, it all does good and it's all helping somebody.

For myself, I generally have a problem when it comes to procrastinating, I know there is the whole "just get up and do it" but I always seem to just lose focus sometimes, I plan to go to college this year or the next and I certainly don't want to be putting off assignments and stuff. Anyway to motivate myself or get myself to just get on with it?

I'm planning the same thing. I guess the best thing I can think of is to plant yourself down in front of whatever you have to do and not get up until you've done some of it. The first few days are probably the hardest, but then it just sort of flows. 'S'like cranking up an engine. A lot of tutorial can probably be found on YouTube as well, so it's a good place to start.

 

[Twintix]

For myself, I generally have a problem when it comes to procrastinating, I know there is the whole "just get up and do it" but I always seem to just lose focus sometimes, I plan to go to college this year or the next and I certainly don't want to be putting off assignments and stuff. Anyway to motivate myself or get myself to just get on with it?

I am so very guilty of this as well.

I heard one tip for doing assignments is to make a schedule for what assignments you have. I also heard somewhere that it's not good to focus on one thing for too long; You'll soon lose focus and the energy to keep going. I think about 30 minutes is the appropriate time to focus on one subject. After that, to take your mind off it for a while and get some more energy, focus on something else. And you shouldn't be afraid to take small breaks to take your mind off things, as well. Just make sure that they are, in fact, small breaks. You could set a timer.

OT: As for my problem? I frequently get this gut feeling that something is about to go wrong. I don't really have a basis to believe that anything should go wrong, but it has been right before. So I always have this small feeling of anxiety that won't go away. It might be linked to my low self-esteem, or maybe I'm just a pessimist. I don't really know. And neither do I know how to get rid of this gut feeling.

 

[AnthrSolidSnake]

I'm stuck in a retail job that's frequently challenged in its validity as a "real job", and haven't the slightest idea where to begin looking for further education. I want to look for something in technology, but there's so many options, I"m not sure where I'd best fit or am the most interested in. I'd say something like an IT job, or maybe something like computer/network maintenance and repair but I hear more and more about how really those jobs aren't that great.

I'm shy, anti-social, have interests that the common person doesn't know about or care for (where I live anyway), and I'm rather terrible under pressure, all of which has effected my job performance despite my perseverance anyway.
I do quite well where I work, but everyday ends up terrifying and stressful as I fight my own anti-social nature and frequently challenge what I can learn in the span of two days by attempting to memorize every sale, new item, and their function and application every week at the risk of looking like an idiot to a customer, which they always think I am regardless. For minimum wage and having cut hours, it's obviously not worth it, but I have no vehicle and can barely manage to save to afford one, so I'm stuck walking to work nearby.

I also have been trying writing again, after some encouragement (from this very site in fact), but would have no idea to even begin to know where to start having someone look at my work when and even if I finish one.

 

[Dizchu]

I am very hard on myself when I make a mistake. I recover eventually but I will often need over a day of feeling guilty/frustrated at myself until that happens. Any techniques/ideas to resolve this faster and allow me to just continue on?

I experience this too and what I try to do is realise that everyone else makes mistakes too. If this mistake involved another person, try to talk to them about it. If they say everything is fine, believe them. I know it's hard but even if they are lying to you, chances are they're doing it because they don't want to make you feel bad. And if someone can't handle the smallest of mistakes? Try to get rid of them from your life, dealing with that kind of scrutiny is stressful and not worth it.

Anyway, my problem... sigh.

Late last year I got close to a girl. I really like her and care about her, and we have the hots for each other and she says reassurance from me is very important for her (she does not have many friends and isn't very socially active).

Last month I got close to another girl and our intimacy has accelerated ever since. We're gonna meet each other in person in two weeks. Again, we have the hots for each other, we care about each other very much. I make her very happy... but I feel like I am neglecting Girl #1.

The problem? Both girls are very insecure and if they know I give attention to the other they feel uncomfortable. They don't dislike each other, they're just afraid that they'll lose a very close bond with someone. No matter how much I try to reassure them that I won't abandon them, that anxiety remains.

I love both of them. Chances are I'm leaning towards Girl #2 because we talk more regularly and are more open with each other but... it feels like my insides are being scrambled and I hate the feeling of neglecting someone.

 

[Starbird]

Problem: In the last 8 years I've gone from razor toned to somewhat chubby.

Solution: Aiming to do more fun stuff outside this spring and summer. Have bought a drone to fly and have offered to start walking the neighbours dog.

Problem: I'm painfully single and starting to near an age where I'm looking to settle down. However I live in a tiny isolated town with almost nobody between the ages 18-40.

Solution: Uhm...

 

[L. Declis]

Problem: I'm painfully single and starting to near an age where I'm looking to settle down. However I live in a tiny isolated town with almost nobody between the ages 18-40.
Solution: Uhm...

As a fellow villager, there are about 4 things you can do:

Move out of that town.
Internet dating.
Hire a team of third world pirates to kidnap you a wife.
Nothing

Choose your poison.

OT: As for my problem? I frequently get this gut feeling that something is about to go wrong. I don't really have a basis to believe that anything should go wrong, but it has been right before. So I always have this small feeling of anxiety that won't go away. It might be linked to my low self-esteem, or maybe I'm just a pessimist. I don't really know. And neither do I know how to get rid of this gut feeling.

Fellow worrier here.

The first thing may be to accomplish more. When you start to rack up accomplishments, it's easier to trust your ability to not fuck up.

The second thing is to use your worrying to make sure you're careful, and then ignore that worrying. If you've done everything you can do, you need to learn to sometimes let fate roll the dice and how well you've stacked the odds in your favour. The sooner you realise what you can and cannot influence, the better.

The last thing is to do something. I imagine you're like me, when I worry, I stall for time. More often than not, I've found it's better to do something wrong but proactively than do nothing. At least then, you're doing something and changing the situation, rather than changing nothing but worrying yourself ill.

I'm stuck in a retail job that's frequently challenged in its validity as a "real job", and haven't the slightest idea where to begin looking for further education. I want to look for something in technology, but there's so many options, I"m not sure where I'd best fit or am the most interested in. I'd say something like an IT job, or maybe something like computer/network maintenance and repair but I hear more and more about how really those jobs aren't that great.

My advice is to maybe do a general IT degree to get some background on what you want to do. Learn some coding languages, such as Java and C, maybe play around in Unity if game design is what you're into, volunteer at some computer shop to learn from people who have done, maybe go onto I.T. forums and see what they ***** about or praise.

Get some I.T. qualifications under your belt, look around your local colleges or businesses and see what opportunities you can get. Volunteer online for fan projects if you want to "learn on the job", if you will, and it helps you get some experience as well as learn new skills and have a bit of a portfolio.

No job is 'that' great, but most work is what you make it. I.T. has the advantage of at least being versatile, everyone wants computers to not break.

For myself:

I am very hard on myself when I make a mistake. I recover eventually but I will often need over a day of feeling guilty/frustrated at myself until that happens. Any techniques/ideas to resolve this faster and allow me to just continue on?

Get over yourself. I mean that in a less harsh sounding way, but at some point, you have to realise to err is human. Adopt the mantra of always learning from your mistake and not repeating it again. Nothing helps you climb mountains better in the future like falling off of one. Mistakes are not bad, they're simply little mutations that need to be snipped off to let the main tree grow. Similar advice to the worrier above.

Problem: In the last 8 years I've gone from razor toned to somewhat chubby.

Solution: Aiming to do more fun stuff outside this spring and summer. Have bought a drone to fly and have offered to start walking the neighbours dog.

Glad you're proactive, but a large part of loosing weight is managing your diet. Also, at your age, you need to start paying attention to your blood pressure and cholesterol and other not fun things to deal with.

Smaller portions, less butter, yadda yadda, you know how to eat healthy. But a little bit more exercise along won't do it, although it'll make you healthier in other ways.

A quick bit of help; it takes one day for a habit to form, and every day it's repeated strengthens that habit. However, it takes only a single missed day for the habit to be broken, and more than three missed days means you effectively have to start building that habit again.

 

[rosac]

The problem? Both girls are very insecure and if they know I give attention to the other they feel uncomfortable. They don't dislike each other, they're just afraid that they'll lose a very close bond with someone. No matter how much I try to reassure them that I won't abandon them, that anxiety remains.

I love both of them. Chances are I'm leaning towards Girl #2 because we talk more regularly and are more open with each other but... it feels like my insides are being scrambled and I hate the feeling of neglecting someone.

This is brutal but- it's your life. If you're serious about dating girl #2, explain to girl #1 that you are so, but that you'll still be able to make time for her (but potentially a bit less then previously). Also explain to girl #2 the situation about girl #1 and that it's not a relationship in your mind, just close friendship. If she can;t deal with you having other female friends then that's her problem.

Like I say, brutal, but I had an ex who got jealous of my female team members because I played with them and went on nights out with them... As a team member, nothing else. I even told her I had a vow not to do anything with the girls on my team (don't shit on your own doorstep.) It quickly dissolved our relationship.

Problem: I'm painfully single and starting to near an age where I'm looking to settle down. However I live in a tiny isolated town with almost nobody between the ages 18-40.

Yeah exact same problem here. A lot of my friends have had success with online dating, definitely worth a try! Otherwise, just try and meet more people! You mentioned losing tone, maybe go to a sports group and seeing who you meet there?

 

[L. Declis]

Anyway, my problem... sigh.

Late last year I got close to a girl. I really like her and care about her, and we have the hots for each other and she says reassurance from me is very important for her (she does not have many friends and isn't very socially active).

Last month I got close to another girl and our intimacy has accelerated ever since. We're gonna meet each other in person in two weeks. Again, we have the hots for each other, we care about each other very much. I make her very happy... but I feel like I am neglecting Girl #1.

The problem? Both girls are very insecure and if they know I give attention to the other they feel uncomfortable. They don't dislike each other, they're just afraid that they'll lose a very close bond with someone. No matter how much I try to reassure them that I won't abandon them, that anxiety remains.

I love both of them. Chances are I'm leaning towards Girl #2 because we talk more regularly and are more open with each other but... it feels like my insides are being scrambled and I hate the feeling of neglecting someone.

Okay.

It is not your job to support other people out of obligation. Support them as friends, okay, but they should have the mental fortitude to sort themselves out. You know the phrase "Don't stick your dick in crazy"? Well, it applies for you women as well. If you've got a friend who needs your constant, unending attention just to exist, then that friend will suck you dry and make your life miserable.

You know what isn't helping Girl #1? That you are going to resent her if you don't go for Girl #2 (you know what they say, you regret what you didn't do). At the end of the day, the only person you have to be okay with is yourself. Be straight with her, tell her that you're not that into her and you've found someone else. You can still be friends, but your heart lies elsewhere and you don't want to lead her on.

And props to your new lady, no one likes it when the other persons ex is around. It is always a massive red flag, and for good reason; you always hear that they fooled around with an ex or something. If your new girl feels uncomfortable with some ex hanging around you, demanding your attention, using emotional blackmail and acting jealous, she doesn't have to just 'suck it up' and you should consider her feelings as well, especially if you're planning to date her.

 

[Evil Smurf]

I treat my problems with alcohol and the occasional cigarette, thanks addiction for being there for me! Big shoutout to depression and anxiety for being team players.

I wish I was kidding, I'm getting it fixed though :3

 

[God'sFist]

OT: As for my problem? I frequently get this gut feeling that something is about to go wrong. I don't really have a basis to believe that anything should go wrong, but it has been right before. So I always have this small feeling of anxiety that won't go away. It might be linked to my low self-esteem, or maybe I'm just a pessimist. I don't really know. And neither do I know how to get rid of this gut feeling.

I know that feeling well my best solution is to remember that life can change at any moment so to expect the worst but hope for the best tends to be my montra. Whether that's healthy or not you can be the judge.

My problem right now is I recently lost my first job after having it for only a month. I'll answer why if you ask but for now that's not the real issue. My problem is at night when I would like to go to bed I get this feeling in the chest like I am guilty and or very sad, this has been making it hard to sleep. I am fine in my head I think normally and I don't feel it during the day only when it gets to be around night time. I want to be rid of this already.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

Most recently I feel like I've either forgotten how to make friends or there's no one in my area I really care to associate with. Everyone I know is far away, and the people I most love to chill with are gone, dead or moved away and its hard for me to move on myself. I love my friends like family, which is why I have so few and call so few by that name. Its a rare thing for someone to move from acquaintance to friend with me and here lately it seems I can't even bother to find acquaintances.
I just miss my friends, most of all my brother too. Its hard to get by on days when I feel shitty and nothing can get me out of that feeling, I used to turn to my brother to get me out of that funk but he moved away north to "Hoth" as we nicknamed it since we both grew up in a tropical climate, anywhere where it snows is basically Hoth to us.
I dunno if I have a solution/answer to my problem except try harder?
I guess my social skills in the making friends arena have dwindled since I didn't use them for a while.

 

[L. Declis]

Most recently I feel like I've either forgotten how to make friends or there's no one in my area I really care to associate with. Everyone I know is far away, and the people I most love to chill with are gone, dead or moved away and its hard for me to move on myself. I love my friends like family, which is why I have so few and call so few by that name. Its a rare thing for someone to move from acquaintance to friend with me and here lately it seems I can't even bother to find acquaintances.
I just miss my friends, most of all my brother too. Its hard to get by on days when I feel shitty and nothing can get me out of that feeling, I used to turn to my brother to get me out of that funk but he moved away north to "Hoth" as we nicknamed it since we both grew up in a tropical climate, anywhere where it snows is basically Hoth to us.
I dunno if I have a solution/answer to my problem except try harder?
I guess my social skills in the making friends arena have dwindled since I didn't use them for a while.

Honestly, the best way to find new friends with common ground is to join clubs or social activities. Most crappy people tend to not really be into activities that aren't work or drinking related, so you may find a better quality of people there, and you'll have a reason to talk to them and get along.

And yes, try harder. Do you run a D&D game? Or a video game tournament? Do you play a sport? What about an arts class? Book club? Get together with some people for a fan project. Etc, so forth.

 

[Drakmorg]

I have no confidence, skills, or motivation to do anything. I can no longer be arsed to do anything more involved than sitting around browsing the Internet for videos and pictures and working at my godawful, shit-paying job. I'm not even going to try and suggest any solutions to the problems of others because I am certain my terrible advice will only ever make any situation far worse.

 

[Guffe]

Congratz on the 1k post!

Especially in sports I am very hard on myself!
If I play a team sport, and I give a bad pass, I am swearing to myself about how shit I am. If a friend makes a "bad pass" I swear t myself for not understanding how he had thought, or that I was badly positioned or similar. Maybe not the healthiest approach But I am just so competitive and want to become better at everything I do

 

[Super Cyborg]

While I still hang out with my friends from University, It's hard to make new friends, and also try to get into a relationship. Part of it comes with my work, where I am home 4-5 weeks at a time, then gone for another 4-5 weeks for work. Nice thing when I'm home is that I have complete free time, herd part is that between visiting various people, and trying to get myself ready to take the GRE, along with looking into Grad school stuff, my time becomes limited. Throw in the fact that I seem to randomly go travel somewhere for a little bit because I can.

I'm thinking here while I'm still away to look into some things and see if I can find some places I can go to meet new people, or organizations I can join via volunteer work. I also have a problem with partial laziness. Once I have my eyes set on something, I swing with full force. If it's something I deem unimportant, I put some effort in, but not much.

Speaking of Grad school, I figured out recently what I wanted to focus in on in my field (I did an undergrad in Marine Biology). While I have found my focus, there's still the fact that I need a pretty good idea of the type of research project I would want to do. That's the hard part as I only just to the realization of what I want to do, and trying to get that far ahead in thought is a bit hard.

I'm looking up various Grad schools for the opportunities that might be available in my interest, and possible job opportunities that I would have when I graduate to try to narrow it down. Beyond that I can't think of much else.

 

[L. Declis]

I have no confidence, skills, or motivation to do anything. I can no longer be arsed to do anything more involved than sitting around browsing the Internet for videos and pictures and working at my godawful, shit-paying job. I'm not even going to try and suggest any solutions to the problems of others because I am certain my terrible advice will only ever make any situation far worse.

Hey, it sounds like you have some serious confidence issues. I'd really suggest going to a doctor and getting yourself checked for depression. I've had it once and it sounds a lot like what you're describing.

You have a job; that's inflowing money. From there, just get your bills paid and look for better jobs. Or start a pet project; having something you enjoy and gives you achievement will really help with your self-esteem. But seriously, talk to someone. If not your doctor, a family member or a priest or someone you trust. This can be overcome.

While I still hang out with my friends from University, It's hard to make new friends, and also try to get into a relationship. Part of it comes with my work, where I am home 4-5 weeks at a time, then gone for another 4-5 weeks for work. Nice thing when I'm home is that I have complete free time, herd part is that between visiting various people, and trying to get myself ready to take the GRE, along with looking into Grad school stuff, my time becomes limited. Throw in the fact that I seem to randomly go travel somewhere for a little bit because I can.

You may just have to accept that meeting people has to take a back seat for a while while you get your more important stuff sorted. Alternatively, get better at having little bits of friendship, small chats with new people, shake hands and exchange names, and follow up on it when time becomes available.

I'm thinking here while I'm still away to look into some things and see if I can find some places I can go to meet new people, or organizations I can join via volunteer work. I also have a problem with partial laziness. Once I have my eyes set on something, I swing with full force. If it's something I deem unimportant, I put some effort in, but not much.

Well, in this case, find something you find important or find interesting, and do that. You live in the Internet Age; someone is doing something online for free and needs volunteers to help. Go find them and do it. Good experience, potentially good contacts and good experience, and also takes up some time.

Regarding volunteering organisations, many cost money. If you go to school or church, they often have some kind of ties or links to charities who do this, and may be worth looking into.

Speaking of Grad school, I figured out recently what I wanted to focus in on in my field (I did an undergrad in Marine Biology). While I have found my focus, there's still the fact that I need a pretty good idea of the type of research project I would want to do. That's the hard part as I only just to the realization of what I want to do, and trying to get that far ahead in thought is a bit hard.

Right, my advice here is you need to start reading around your subject, as well as reading in your subject. I imagine there must be forums, newsletters, journals, etc about your topic, start reading them. If you find something interesting, read deeper. If you really like it, then there is what you focus on.

Ask around on the internet or your university department, see what people are doing. Try to dip your toe into everything.

I'm looking up various Grad schools for the opportunities that might be available in my interest, and possible job opportunities that I would have when I graduate to try to narrow it down. Beyond that I can't think of much else.

If you're going into Marine Biology, then you want to be looking at companies now to make friends, internships and the whole lot; that field is so bloated that you basically need nepotism to get a job because everyone loves Marine Biology. You will also need to look afield; many countries simply don't have much of an industry for that and you may need to move abroad. Contact as many people as possible, asking about your degree or something, and then draw them into a conversation.

 

[Super Cyborg]

snip.

Yeah, that's a lot that I've figured from the past year and a half out of University. I was lucky from my Degree and got a job in my field right away (the best one could hope for was aquarium stuff, or offshore work, which offshore work has been pretty good for me so far).

I have done some internship stuff recently. Went to South Africa for two months to help with shark research, and got to see some parts of the country during free time. Been looking into some universities and companies, and coming up with a contact list as well.

 

[Aetera]

I'm just mentally ill enough(hi, type II bipolar disorder and dysthymia!) to not be able to hold down a full-time job, but not mentally ill enough to get disability. I'm right on the cusp between the two, and it sucks. Because of it, I'm stuck still living with my parents at 27.