Your worst joke

[wordsmith]

What does Micheal Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?

They both have a piece of 30 year old meat in between two 9 year old buns.

EEEY! Epic burn

time for a bit of a long one...

Spoiler

A duck walks into a library and says to the librarian
"Hey Mister! You got any bread?"
"No, we're a library. We lend books out, we don't sell bread" replies the guy, "try the bakery down the road". The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks into the library and again, he asks
"Hey Mister! You got any bread?"
The librarian is a little confused, but replies
"No, we're a library. I told you yesterday, we don't sell bread. Try the bakery". Again, the duck walks out.

The same thing happens the day after, the day after that and so on, for the rest of the week. It finally comes to a head when the duck asks for some bread, and the librarian bursts out "LISTEN YOU LITTLE BASTARD! WE DON'T SELL ANY FUCKING BREAD, GOT IT?!?! IF YOU ASK ME ONCE MORE, I'LL NAIL YOUR FUCKING BEAK TO THIS DESK!"

The duck, a little taken aback, looks around the room at the surprised readers, before looking back at the librarian.
"Fine." He mutters, "Have you got any nails?" The librarian looks at him, trying to see the connection.
"No... You need the hardware store, it's next to the bakery".
"OK then" says the duck, looking the librarian straight in the eye...

"Have you got any bread?"

 

[TeaBaggin]

an old blind man was walking through a fish market, stopped, took a big wiff of the air around him, and said"Whew! Mornin ladies!"

 

[Beebs99]

What's E.T. short for?











He's got small legs.

 

[LeonLethality]

hmmm maybe not a JOKE but, i say this jokingly "LOOK A DISTRACTION" and its pretty bad but fun

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and WalMart?

WalMart is a retail store. Michael Jackson is an entertainer.

What do Michael Jackson and the Chicago Cubs have in common? They both wear a glove on their left hand for no reason.

What did the mother buffalo say to her son as he left for school? Bison.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and WalMart?

WalMart is a retail store. Michael Jackson is an entertainer.

What do Michael Jackson and the Chicago Cubs have in common? They both wear a glove on their left hand for no reason.

What did the mother buffalo say to her son as he left for school? Bison.

Heheheheh. That was pretty funny.


Q: What do you call a man who earns a living putting rich, decadent chocolate in boxes?
A: His union has forcibly redefined his job with the title of Foodstuffs Allocation Engineer to make him feel important, so there's no longer a joke here.

 

[Lexodus]

Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, "Christ, it's hot in here!"
The other screams, "AAAAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

or

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. Suddenly, one turns to the other and says, "how the fuck do you drive this thing?"

 

[LilGherkin]

What's the difference between Peanut Butter and Jam.

Adult Punchline

Spoiler

I can't peanut butter my cock down your throat

 

[G1eet]

What did Goku score on the SAT?


OVER NINE THOUSAAAANNND!!!!!

I tip my hat to you.

 

[G1eet]

I tried googling the joke but all that came up was "jesus was a gay black hippie jew".

I found something else: "What do you get when you cross Laura Ingalls Wilder and a Hajib?

~Little Mosque on the Prarie"


...Which I guess is a Canadian television show?

 

[deleted_scifidownbeat]

DELETED

 

[fedpayne]

Two men in armour walk into a hotel and say "Room for two knights?"

 

[the_tramp]

Almost. The beep is actually the flatlining of his son's heartbeat.

I put it up because it was probably the most horrible joke I've ever heard. Pointless, and yet... so appealingly horrific...

I've read the joke and all of the explanations for the "joke" and don't see it as funny, not even in a twisted way (the more twisted the better in my opinion). It's more of just a story...

 

[Tharwen]

What's the difference between a duck?
I dunno, something about the legs.

I heard this one from my dad... but he said "One leg's always the same"

 

[Tharwen]

There were two prawns, Mike and Christian, sitting in the ocean, watching the world go by, when Mike turned to Christian and said "Chris, don't you ever wonder what we're doing with our lives? I mean, all we ever do is float around doing nothing. I'm going to aim higher - I want to be a shark!" Christian heard this and laughed out loud. "A shark!" he guffawed, "you're a prawn, Mike, and you're stuck like that!"

But a nearby magical cod heard this, and decided to lend a helping fin. He approached Mike later that day and said that he would turn him into a shark, as long as he understood the responsibilities that came with it. Mike hastily agreed to everything and, true to his wish, became a shark. The next few days were the best of his life and he had a lot of fun with his new fishy body, but before long, all of his old friends stopped talking to him. They believed he had abandoned them and didn't want to have anything to do with him. Mike realised this and, after a few weeks, he sought the magical cod again.

After several days he found the cod and he begged to be turned back into a prawn. "Oh cod, it's so hard being a shark," he snivelled, "All of my friends have stopped talking to me and the other sharks don't like me because I used to be a prawn. If you change be back I promise I'll never want to be anything other than a crustacean ever again! Please, great and wonderful magical cod, will you do this for me?"

The cod eventually agreed to change Mike back into a prawn. Mike thanked him profusely before setting out to find his friend, Christian. After a few more days of searching he saw him in the distance.

He shouted out to him, "I'm a prawn again Christian, and I found Cod!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for wasting your time if you didn't get it

 

[The_Deleted]

Bit rude, so I've hidden my shame.

Spoiler

A father is teaching his son how to wank. The kid says 'this is great fun dad' The dad says 'yes and when you get to thirteen you can use your own cock'

 

[Guitar Gamer]

(from SNL Celebrity Jeopardy)
*in fake sean connery voice*
Whats the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

ones a sick duck... i forgot the rest but your mothers a whore!

amazing win

 

[humpees]

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath.

What's grey and fluffy?
Old pink fluff.

What's green and fluffy?
Dead pink fluff.

What's black and crispy?
Burnt pink fluff.

Sorry... Still makes me chuckle though.

 

[Azazcyh]

This ones a little racy. Although not as bad as some of the other ones I've seen on this thread.

Spoiler

Two guys are out hunting in the woods. One man is looking into the scope of a rifle and says "I can see your house from here, I can see your wife, she's cheating on you!"
The other one says" I've had it with her, shoot her in the head and shoot him in the crotch!"
The other one says "I can get that in one shot." -Larry the Cable Guy

 

[jebussaves88]

A man returns home from a long day at work to find his house, his wife, and his car all on fire. As he calls the fire brigade, a strange dwarf runs past him giggling. The fire brigade arrive and put out the fires, and he embraces his slightly burnt wife and car.
A week later, the man arrives home again to find all he hold dear aflame. He once atgain summons the authorites as the strange dwarf runs past him yet again. The fireman arrive quicker than before and extinguish the fires, and he is again reunited with his spouse, his house and his car.
Another week passes, and again the man returns home to find all an inferno, worse than before. Now fed up with this, he grabs the passing dwarf, who again was running away laughing. He pulls him up to eye level and shouts in the dwarf's face "Have you been starting all the fires?"
To which the Dwarf replies "Yeah".