You're a guy on a date. Who pays?

[Farther than stars]

Or just don't date mental women.

Amen. Let me know when you figure out how to make that distinction though.

 

[Rawne1980]

Or just don't date mental women.

Amen. Let me know when you figure out how to make that distinction though.

Well i'm in my 30's now and I still can't define the sane from the mental (shocking how many nuts as fuck women are out there).

 

[Insideout Ink Demon]

Ugh, that is the worst! As a feminist I'm always like "women aren't just money-grubbing selfish bitches, guys!" but every now and then I have to amend it with "...well, except for that one I guess." And it makes me hella cranky. Some people are just terrible, and some of those terrible people are sadly women.

Sounds like your friend shouldn't be that surprised when this relationship goes south, though... hopefully he can escape with minimal wallet or life-force suckage.

out of curiosity, are you a feminist or a man hater?

I'm a feminist who loves her dad, generally dates men, has a bunch of best friends who are men, regularly chats and jokes with her male coworkers, and supports things like paternity leave for fathers... so you tell me.

ah, man hater then? i jest

good to hear, i've seen too many times women who believe themselves to be feminist, yet just seen any male as the stereo type man, and he will automatically have the stereo type faults. etc etc etc
my fiancee's also guilty of doing it from time to time with me.

 

[KarlMonster]

... The dates I find the women I am out will fight with me to pay half. ... I am having a debate with my housemate who's new 'independent' (bloodsucking) gf expects him to 'take care of her' each time they go out and pay for movies, meals etc.

I congratulate you sir, on your dates being fiscally sensible. You could have done worse.

Rule of thumb: For the marquee dates (first, second, third) the guy pays - providing that the dates are at his invitation. However, if she initiated the dating request, he should still be prepared to pay - and actually make an offer to pay, though this is a gray area and should be decided consensually.

After the prime dates, there are no hard rules, and I would even question the need to dine out or purchase entertainment regularly. [Mostly because I have a low opinion of modern day entertainments.] Therefore I agree with many others here, that if she wants to spend evenings out, she should cough up some dough.

Otherwise, what is the difference between her and a hooker?

 

[Aegis A'Sha'Se]

Both pay. If you don't start fairly, how will you become fair?

 

[lettucethesallad]

I generally pay for half. If I'm short one day, my boyfriend will pick up the tab, but I'll either pay him back in cash or treat him the next time we're out. It's nice to be treated sometimes, no matter what your gender is.

That being said, since I'm a student and my boyfriend has a pretty well-paid job, he'll treat me every now and again. I try to return the favour as much as I can afford, and as long as he knows I'm not milking him for money and am genuinely trying to keep it equal, we're cool.

 

[SirDoom]

Honestly? I pay the bill sometimes, she gets it other times. Generally I pay a little bit more than half the time. Or, if we're doing dinner and a movie, one person will buy the food and one will get the tickets.

This was, of course, after both of us offered to pay almost every time.

 

[Trivun]

I'd say it depends on the financial situation of each party, and then chivalry or manners take over from that point on. I don't exactly go on many dates though, to be fair, but I consider myself somewhat chivalrous and something of a gentleman in the modern era, and I also have a part-time job (looking for full time), so I have a relatively steady income with little expenditure. Meaning I can certainly afford to pay my way on dates.

Thus, for me, I'd say that dating a typical girl I'd probably offer to pay on the first couple of dates, and if we hit it off, then in future we'd probably (depending on how much the girl earns compared to me) go 50/50 ('going Dutch', as it were) or similar for future dates. Of course, that would all depend on the girl. Really, it's one of those tricky situations that you can't actually generalise, you need to look at each girl or guy on a case-by-case basis...

(also, I do agree with people who say it depends on who asks who, whereas my model as described above is really meant when there isn't any obvious sponging going on )

 

[Evidencebased]

Ugh, that is the worst! As a feminist I'm always like "women aren't just money-grubbing selfish bitches, guys!" but every now and then I have to amend it with "...well, except for that one I guess." And it makes me hella cranky. Some people are just terrible, and some of those terrible people are sadly women.

Sounds like your friend shouldn't be that surprised when this relationship goes south, though... hopefully he can escape with minimal wallet or life-force suckage.

out of curiosity, are you a feminist or a man hater?

I'm a feminist who loves her dad, generally dates men, has a bunch of best friends who are men, regularly chats and jokes with her male coworkers, and supports things like paternity leave for fathers... so you tell me.

ah, man hater then? i jest

good to hear, i've seen too many times women who believe themselves to be feminist, yet just seen any male as the stereo type man, and he will automatically have the stereo type faults. etc etc etc
my fiancee's also guilty of doing it from time to time with me.

Yup, total man hater! ;D

But yeah, I'm afraid I'm just the boring ol' everyone-is-equal kind of feminist who tries to treat both men and women fairly, and not stereotype anyone. I won't say I've never judged a guy unfairly or believed a male stereotype but I actively practice not doing so nowadays. I pay for myself on dates, but I also understand and sympathize with men who feel like they "should" pay thanks to unfair pressure from our culture. I think feminism actually makes me kinder to and more respectful of men, because I see them just like any other human beings who try their best in a sometimes-cruel world, instead of demanding that they repress their emotions or fight bears all the time like a stereotypical "real" man.

 

[Farther than stars]

Dutch all the way! Unless one person is seriously unable to afford going out (or one person insists on going somewhere crazy-expensive, which the other couldn't bear paying for) then I think it's easiest to just split the thing or pay your own way. Alternating paying works too, or having the date-asker pay, unless one person does most of the asking out and it becomes unbalanced.

I'm a woman, fyi. And I'll say it's sweet when a guy offers to pay (not that I get offended if he doesn't) but I always insist on paying for myself anyways -- especially because I usually spend at least part of the date mentioning I'm a feminist, so I really have to put my money where my mouth is! ;p

I'm curious as to how far this defying of traditional etiquette goes. Say you're on a date with a guy and he takes you for a picknick on a small, secluded island out in the middle of a lake. Now, he's rowed you there, so do you row back to even things out?

 

[Mace Tulio]

I'll offer to pay for both, however if the person I'm dating insists on paying half, I won't say no.

 

[Ferrious]

I didn't really date all that much (I don't plan on doing so again), but I never really considered it a gender thing. Yes, I'm male, and the date was always female, but that wasn't really the point. I was rather trying to show that I could be generous. If I was female, or homosexual, I would still have offered to pay.

Plus, nothing ruins a date faster than someone not having the cash to pay the bill, for either side.

 

[Evidencebased]

Dutch all the way! Unless one person is seriously unable to afford going out (or one person insists on going somewhere crazy-expensive, which the other couldn't bear paying for) then I think it's easiest to just split the thing or pay your own way. Alternating paying works too, or having the date-asker pay, unless one person does most of the asking out and it becomes unbalanced.

I'm a woman, fyi. And I'll say it's sweet when a guy offers to pay (not that I get offended if he doesn't) but I always insist on paying for myself anyways -- especially because I usually spend at least part of the date mentioning I'm a feminist, so I really have to put my money where my mouth is! ;p

I'm curious as to how far this defying of traditional etiquette goes. Say you're on a date with a guy and he takes you for a picknick on a small, secluded island out in the middle of a lake. Now, he's rowed you there, so do you row back to even things out?

I suppose so, if he's not in a huge hurry to get back (my upper body strength is kind of crap because I haven't worked out in ages... but if this were a paddle boat that used one's legs I'd rock it!) At the very least I'd feel awkward just sitting and watching him do all the work, so I'd try to help out somehow. That's not so much me "defying traditional etiquette" as me wanting to reciprocate when someone does a favor for me, though.

(But let's be honest; if it's a super small secluded island he is definitely gonna be dropping my dead body there after he murders me, and the rowing will be a moot point! ;p)

 

[Razorback0z]

I dont generally take other guys out on dates, but I think if I paid I would still be expecting some "gratitude" of the "on your knees" kind. So its probably safer to just keep dating women in my opinion, that way you will actually want the reward for getting your wallet out rather than just shutting your eyes and tolerating it.

 

[Crazy_Dude]

First date I could pay for both of us. But if we would go on more dates I would ask her kindly to split the bill 50/50.

 

[DanielDeFig]

Same as friends, you split the bill (either per item you ate, or exactly 50/50. Whatever you think is correct).

Though, you should probably ask the person you are dating her/him-self. Some ppl expect the man to pay the whole bill, and if that's not a problem for you, why not? If it is, discuss it.

Another option is for the man to pay the first date, and then when you are dating more regularly, you spilt the bill.

 

[Farther than stars]

--snip--

Yup, total man hater! ;D

But yeah, I'm afraid I'm just the boring ol' everyone-is-equal kind of feminist who tries to treat both men and women fairly, and not stereotype anyone. I won't say I've never judged a guy unfairly or believed a male stereotype but I actively practice not doing so nowadays. I pay for myself on dates, but I also understand and sympathize with men who feel like they "should" pay thanks to unfair pressure from our culture. I think feminism actually makes me kinder to and more respectful of men, because I see them just like any other human beings who try their best in a sometimes-cruel world, instead of demanding that they repress their emotions or fight bears all the time like a stereotypical "real" man.

That's funny, since usually feminism does stem from a grudge againt the way things are in a society that used to be/is coming out of a state that was/is male-dominated (ooh, look at me being all careful with my words).
It's funny that you should mention the words "should" and "pressure" though, because in that situation I feel that I "should", but there's no pressure or anything. I'm really fine with men having to for dates, but then that may just come from my total lack of interest in money.
At the end of the day, I've always looked at it as men and women being different, both physically (for sure) and mentally too (probably). We always have been and so I can understand there being a difference for men and women in societal norms and I think that's appropriate too.
Men hold doors open, women women have to pee sitting down. Men get paid more, women get better custody over the kids. It's all just pros and cons.

 

[Cyaneed]

The other guy.

 

[Astoria]

First date, whoever asked pays. Second date the other person pays. After that 50/50 or work out whatever works best for you. Also, I think this has already been done recently.

 

[Farther than stars]

(But let's be honest; if it's a super small secluded island he is definitely gonna be dropping my dead body there after he murders me, and the rowing will be a moot point! ;p)

I understand that that was ment ironically, but I'm sure I get it as much as I am weirded out by it. =/ Are you saying you tend to attract a rather (hesitantly pauses) murderous type?