Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

[Beauwight]

Wow, Was I the only one to find this episode.....Alot worse than usual?

I mean if you've got a load of work to do with other stuff do that, take a week off from making this show or something.

Well what can I expect from free entertainment.

That's kind of how I felt. I mean I am an FFanboy, and I certainly didn't expect Yahtzee to love the game or even avoid piddling on it, but...how would he say it?...

You could have at least played the whole game you lazy fucking twat. Get your dick out of your mouth, stop licking your own asshole, have your spine replaced since you had to have it removed to get your huge mouth down to your taint in the first place and play the game.

...Yeah, that might sum it up.

 

[Oskamunda]

I have to agree with Yahtzee on this one, which kills me. This game is just bad. BUT, having only played five hours of it, with those five hours including datalog reading [which I gave up on two hours in], I don't think he really understands HOW bad the game is. There is literally no end to the breaking flaws in this game. I won't bother to list them here, seeing as that would be a waste of time AND since I'm not a game reviewer.

Let's just say this...FFXIII has three incongruous components to it:
1] Too many MMORPG elements [especially when a dedicated FFMMORPG is coming out later this year]
2] A proclivity to punish the gamer for just wanting to play the game [see above for primary concerns of this one]
3] Being veeeeeeeeeeery Japanese.

This things could actually stand alone from each other and still make for a fine game, but when you stick them together with modpodge the effect is really disquieting. When the developers give you a new game + option that lets you skip the entire first 30~60 hours of gameplay, it should be a clue that even THEY know it's shit [Don't tell me it's NOT just that, either. You don't even get your final crystarium level until you defeat the last boss, and you haven't unlocked ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS NEW.].

Anyway, I'm starting to go on about it, which was not my intent.

What I wish is that Yahtzee would finish playing the game and give us a second review, this time maybe more than five minutes flat, extolling the horrors that is poor game design coupled with a AAA-title-making franchise and fanboy rabies. It might be the only thing that makes me feel like the game was worth playing through.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

I love this game; it's rare that I would pull an all-nighter on a game. This game made me do two in a row.

*on topic* I completely agree with the ridiculous names and the Hope bashing. I'm surprised he didn't mention the main characters hair colors, as three of them (Lightning, Vanille, Serah) have differing shades of pink.

 

[Oskamunda]

@Beauwight

You, sir, are not raised to a higher intellectual being by using such words in so uncreative a manner. You are obviously TOO much of a fanboy to realize the GAME FUCKING SUCKS...this coming from a 20 year veteran of the series who IS willing to look at [GASP] the truth. I think your face wouldn't reach your dick even if you HAD your spine removed.

I mean, Christ, I've been a user here for almost 16 months, and have only made three posts...one of which I had to dedicate to YOU, the excrementally-challenged version of we respectable JRPGers who have the common sense to not only know that Magna Carta is Korean, but that it, also, sucks rectal tissue.

Etc., Etc.

 

[Gururoo]

You know there is a problem with a game when the R of the RPG has been slapped away from the core of the game like a gimp in a office of the congressional pages.

I was so bored I actually become more productive at work...

 

[Threx]

Yahtzee does it again very well done as always. I just wish you did finish the game before reviewing it.

 

[A Person]

I Just Knew You Would Tear It Apart, But...Damn!

 

[littlewisp]

The ending was my favorite part. I would like to do the same to that character. In fact, I would like to stop playing but people keep beating me over the head with how it gets better 20 hours in and I bought the damn game so now I feel obligated.

. . .sigh. My own fault.

 

[Velocity Eleven]

does anybody else think that he just did this to have a go at the genre? I mean, he talked about the actual gameplay very little and almost every single one of his complaints were based off the stereotypes that all JRPG haters tend to have... and none of those complaints have ever made sense to me... (and respouting them doesnt make them sensical)

If I may,
Yahtz did point out that at one time he did like RPG's (FF6). Which I agree was the best RPG evar. Perhaps he did not talk much about gameplay because there isn't much to it. If you take out a lot of the exploration element in a FF game what can you do? Auto-fight is as effective as it is boring.

His points about generic, goofy, similar looking characters in EVERY FF since 7 I think should be well taken as well.

If f13 adds linear paths, more auto-fights, the same kind of players you've seen since 5 games ago, what do we do with our time besides read txt like a choose-your-own-adventure novel? Play with ability points?

I think yahtz's point is that it's been a long time since RPG's offered anything good. see KOTR1 vs 2.

meh, just my thoughts.

but thats what I dont get, how do the characters look even remotely alike? he compared cloud to squall, where's the similarity? he compared barret to amarant... again, what is he talking about? rikku and vannile? just because they're both "happy" in nature? I dont think i've seen a series that varies as much as the FF games do... I just dont see this "genericness" people keep talking about

yes FF13 you do use auto-fight a lot, however thats not where the strategy lies. you have to switch between paradigms, taking in to account the situation with the health, status effects and the enemies' stagger bar... you have to arrange the paradigms effectively. If an enemy's not staggered I end up switching between paradigms quite a lot, and it gets really tense, trying to think so quickly. Even if the enemy is staggered I sometimes have trouble deciding what paradigm to switch to if I'm damaged

and FF games have never been about the exploration, they're about the leveling, the customisation etc. I do think FF13 lacks in that area which is its downfall but Yahtzee's complaints were just "anti-jrpg rage"

RPGs are always very different, sure you always use attacks and magic and potions and so on, but thats just scratching the surface... what about all the varying development strategies? any genre can be seemed to be made bad if you just scratch the surface... its like saying mario and sonic are exactly the same cause you jump

 

[Mr.Lucifer]

@Beauwight

You, sir, are not raised to a higher intellectual being by using such words in so uncreative a manner. You are obviously TOO much of a fanboy to realize the GAME FUCKING SUCKS...this coming from a 20 year veteran of the series who IS willing to look at [GASP] the truth. I think your face wouldn't reach your dick even if you HAD your spine removed.

I mean, Christ, I've been a user here for almost 16 months, and have only made three posts...one of which I had to dedicate to YOU, the excrementally-challenged version of we respectable JRPGers who have the common sense to not only know that Magna Carta is Korean, but that it, also, sucks rectal tissue.

Etc., Etc.

IF you ask me, FF6 is overrated.

 

[Dexiro]

Anyone else notice the pics i the credits where he's beating up Vanille xD

 

[Flunk]

Snow does get less unlikeable later in the game when he finally admits what an idiot he was earlier in the game.

I overall mostly like Final Fantasy XIII, they do eventually add enough for the player to do in the fights around hour 15 (I know, I know that is too long to play a game that you don't like). But it's a good game in the same way that Avatar has a good movie. A lot of it is about the visuals and sound.

As bad as it makes me feel to say this I still find more to like in FF XIII than most current Japanese RPGs. I found Eternal Sonata to be overly obsessed with Chopan for no apparent reason at all. And overall the combat is boring are repetitive. Star Ocean: TLH had decent combat but a cast of wholly unlikable characters that I sincerely hoped would all end up dead.

Sure FFXIII is linear, but most RPGs are linear or close to it with a group of sidequests. Exceptions exist of course but console RPGs have always been mostly linear games. The story is revealed over the course of the game and it does get much more obvious as the game precedes. For people who play these games uncovering the motivations of the characters is one of the big draws of the game.

I think taken alone FFXIII is a decent game taken alone but people have ridiculous expectations of the Final Fantasy series. Yahtzee, we all know you hate jRPGs, there isn't much point in you reviewing something you hate.

 

[reg42]

Unbiased, that's a laugh. You barely like Nintendo games, you hate games staring long lasting characters, you rarely review fighters, you almost always review a game with first person perspective.

Yeah... That's the joke.

 

[Fusionxl]

There's a new JRPG game, Yahtzee hates it and all the fanboys have sand in their vagina. Who could have seen that coming?

Seriously, it was enjoyable as always with a few new unexpected nuances. Keep up the good work.

 

[TheSquirrelisKing]

-snip-

It. Was. Sarcasm.

If you can't see and understand that, you shouldn't be using a computer.

I understood that it was sarcasm, I was just making the point that many of his complaints are because the game is a part of genre that he is biased against.
Also if you can't play nice, I suggest you rethink who shouldn't be using a computer.

 

[Super Face Shirt Sandwich]

Even though I like the game, everything he said is spot on.

 

[krgskks]

I'm a big fan of Yahtzee, but this felt like a very unprofessional review. He admits that not only did he not finish the game, he only got 5 hours in and proclaimed it as ass, which is like taking a nibble off of a slice of cake and decreeing that the cake is disgusting. He can make all the arguments about how a game shouldn't have to take a long time to get good, but it doesn't make his decision to only play 5 hours any more valid. If it was taking him so long to get through the game then he should have A) Waited to review it until after he finished it and review a different game this week instead, like he did with Mass Effect 2, or B) Mark the review as a "First Impressions" like he did with The Witcher.

Are you serious? Who the hell plays a game that isn't fun for 5 hours? I wouldn't play a game for more than one if it isn't fun or any good. And then people claim the first 20 hours are boring? What. The. Hell.
If a game is bad, then you don't need to fully play it, to say it's bad. Easy as that.

 

[MatsVS]

@Beauwight

You, sir, are not raised to a higher intellectual being by using such words in so uncreative a manner. You are obviously TOO much of a fanboy to realize the GAME FUCKING SUCKS...this coming from a 20 year veteran of the series who IS willing to look at [GASP] the truth. I think your face wouldn't reach your dick even if you HAD your spine removed.

A 20 year veteran, eh? That's very impressive. I for one now certainly feel like taking your opinion to heart even though it is not backed up any discernible argument whatsoever. After all, this is the internet, and the random words of random people really do matter to me.

Honestly, people, let's try to back our honest opinions up with honest arguments rather than just meaningless chest-pounding ad hominems, eh? We are all on an equal footing here; in this context, only intellectual substance can ever truly mean anything.

 

[Oskamunda]

@nicodeemus327

It's not about having differing opinions...If you take a look, you have just defended the one who lashed out at a professional game reviewer because, of course, only HIS OWN opinion should have validity. So much so, that said professional reviewer MUST obviously be an auto-ass-licking, auto-cock-munching, spineless layabout...just because the two individuals opinions did not line up.

What I'M talking about is the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory, or GIFT. It goes like this:

Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total Fuckwad

So, if you please, before using sarcasm in an unbefitting situation, please reference your own words to fact and for relevance to the issue at hand.

 

[ironlordthemad]

At 4.34 he could have put in a snide remark like "At least I can still play beyonetta."

I never have nor never will care about the final fantasy series and it was good to see someone not sucking it off for the approval of the internet or hating it and getting blown up in a contraversy bomb.

Maybe next week we can have a review of the new pokemon games. We haven't had a good masterbation joke in a while. Im looking at you pokewalker!