Zero Punctuation: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

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GoodNewsOke

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I actually kinda like XIII-3. After the first being a massive disappointment and the second, while better, feeling completely unnecessary and forgettable, Lightning Returns is surprisingly good.

Sure, the writing is godawful and Lightning is about as interesting as an empty refrigerator, but the battle mechanics are really fun, the world is interesting and big enough so I want to explore it and the the time mechanic gives it some novelty. Overall it is just much more interesting than I expected a second sequel to FFXIII to be.
 

Abomination

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LordOfInsanity said:
On the side of Lightning characterization? The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.
You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).
 

RJ Dalton

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Didn't Thief come out this week? So why aren't you reviewing that? I mean, I already knew Lightning Returns was going to be utter shit because of the title - or I at least knew that was going to be Yahtzee's opinion, which, frankly, as a reformed FF Fan I can't help but agree with at this point - so why bother reviewing it?

Edit: Yes, thank you, I am now aware that "this week" is actually "just yesterday" and he would not have time to review it yet. You can all stop telling me this now. Yeesh. Gotta be careful to think things through before you post a stupid question.
 

TheomanZero

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The official explanation is that "final" can also mean "definitive".
FFIV and FFX were actually good games, so it made sense for them to get sequels. Why'd FFXIII get two?
 

Barciad

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Just discovered 'The Wire' have we Yahtzee? Well better late than never. Just curious as to when they will finall stop making Final Fantasy. Probably when people will stop buying them. Oh dear.
 

RJ Dalton

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Abomination said:
LordOfInsanity said:
On the side of Lightning characterization? The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.
You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).
Speaking of hypocrites, have you noticed all the brooding, gritty reboots in America lately?
Just pointing out this isn't really a Japan thing. All media across the world is composed of 80% mediocrity, 15% utter shit and 5% actual high quality stuff.
 

Mister K

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Apr 25, 2011
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Hixy said:
Why did 13 get two sequels?? I just do not understand. Literally every title in the series was more worthy than that pile of crap.
Because Lightning is Motomu Toriama's waifu. Shmuck even wanted his gf to dress as this ice queen during sexy time. This mother humper!
 

Foolery

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Jun 5, 2013
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Zachary Amaranth said:
AndrewC said:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.
And weird after Dark Souls last week.
"Damage sponges" is more accurate than hard. Too much health and the ATB gauge runs out very fast in the early game before you upgrade Lightning a bit. Makes combat tedious. On the other hand, there's no point in engaging in battles unless it's a quest related fight, as completing those are the only way to level up. Sadly, the majority of quests are mundane activities like finding a doll for some kid or looking for someone's dog.
 

themilo504

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I find it odd that final fantasy 13 got two spinoffs because the general opinion seems to be that it was shit, I know it has its fans but I didn?t know it had enough to support 2 more games.

I?m guessing that it was a lot more popular in japan, and that it did sell well enough in the west to justify a translation.
 

shadowmagus

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So it seems the Lightning Defense Force is already here. I swear it has to be guys from SE, no one can like this character (if you can even call her that anymore and not just "set piece"). Unsurprisingly, this game was horrible but it did make for one of the better ZP reviews in awhile. Can we please put Lightning and the rest of her broody band out to pasture now...and shoot them? Please?
 

Neurotic Void Melody

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Jul 15, 2013
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I understand completely about the angsty teenage problems all of them seem to have. Its like their clothing has to try and overcompensate for the bland 2 dimensional characters in case you start thinking too much, that actually, 2 dimensional is being quite generous...as i know many charming 2D characters that dont make me hit the bottle and the painkillers from helpless frustration.
And why are they always so fcking young?? Cant we have a final fantasy: seniors revenge? That may be less annoying. Is the development team just a large group of manga obsessed, overly enthused 14 year old girls?
That is the impression i got with the first...er FF13. Which, on the basis of a certain person's once respected opinion, i took their recommendation to play it. It is pretty i guess. But painfully shallow.
Finally, is lightning sposed to be the most popular character only because square enix said so? I dont know enough FF fans to understand otherwise.

Ah well sir BeYahtzee, it seems, as is the case with the COD BLOPS GHOST mound of festering cash and fans, they do not care for your opinion. Maybe because its just onion with PI inbetween
 

Something Amyss

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Dead Century said:
"Damage sponges" is more accurate than hard. Too much health and the ATB gauge runs out very fast in the early game before you upgrade Lightning a bit. Makes combat tedious. On the other hand, there's no point in engaging in battles unless it's a quest related fight, as completing those are the only way to level up. Sadly, the majority of quests are mundane activities like finding a doll for some kid or looking for someone's dog.
This sounds like it's a parallel to the usual justifications for why Yahtzee isn't playing the game right.
 

Mike Fang

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Mar 20, 2008
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I'm actually pretty surprised at how Yahtzee managed to find some new criticisms for a FF game, especially a spinoff sequel. I was fully expecting this to be a review where he'd have to say something like "Oh God, stop making me play this horrible game, Escapist!!" While an anthropomorphized Escapist logo stands off to the side pointing a shot gun at him.

As to the game, I haven't played a FF game in a long time, but from what I've seen of the gameplay footage, plot, dialogue and characters in reviews, I'm not enticed to pick it back up again.
 

Ulquiorra4sama

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RJ Dalton said:
Didn't Thief come out this week? So why aren't you reviewing that? I mean, I already knew Lightning Returns was going to be utter shit because of the title - or I at least knew that was going to be Yahtzee's opinion, which, frankly, as a reformed FF Fan I can't help but agree with at this point - so why bother reviewing it?
Perhaps it's /because/ Thief came out this week? Actually i just checked wikipedia and it's not even coming out in Australia until tomorrow so i wouldn't hold out for a review of that for next week either.

OT: The opinions i've been hearing on this game have been pretty much all over the place. Some say it's the biggest piece of shit ever to carry the Final Fantasy name and some say it's probably one of their favourite jRPG's of all time. However since i've been unable to find any actual reason why people like it, but plenty why people don't i'm probably gonna give it a miss.

Especially since Yahtzee actually held out longer than me with 13-1. I only managed 3 hours on that one.
 

Colt47

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Chocorodeo said:
shadowmagus said:
So it seems the Lightning Defense Force is already here. I swear it has to be guys from SE, no one can like this character (if you can even call her that anymore and not just "set piece"). Unsurprisingly, this game was horrible but it did make for one of the better ZP reviews in awhile. Can we please put Lightning and the rest of her broody band out to pasture now...and shoot them? Please?
Can we please shove a shotgun up this cocksucker's asshole and blow his brains all over the ceiling? Please?

Holy fucking shit, all of you fucking retards deserve to die.
Why? The XIII series is like the Final Fantasy equivalent of the Resident Evil live action movies. Then again I totally expect the response I'm going to get from you given your social interaction meter is somewhere in the pits of hades.
 

CelestDaer

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Mar 25, 2013
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Thanatos2k said:
Yeah but 10 was a great game, and when 10-2 sucked they stepped back and said "We better not do anything else."
But they have stated they would be willing to make a X-3, if there's enough interest in the series. No idea how fans would be showing that, beyond buying the updated rerelease double set... oh...
I actually kind of enjoyed X-2. The plot's horrible, I give it that, but it's charmingly inane in a turn your brain off way... until Rikku hits on Yuna, and then it gets creepy...
Why have I had captchas on every single post since three days ago?
 

Shjade

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AndrewC said:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.
I thought it sounded more like, "The grind was tedious and the game lacked sufficient entertaining qualities to hold my attention and balance that out in addition to having a story as nonsensical as hiring a serial killer to be your new babysitter," but maybe I'm just reading too much into it.
 

chrystallix

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Jan 23, 2012
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Colt47 said:
Chocorodeo said:
shadowmagus said:
So it seems the Lightning Defense Force is already here. I swear it has to be guys from SE, no one can like this character (if you can even call her that anymore and not just "set piece"). Unsurprisingly, this game was horrible but it did make for one of the better ZP reviews in awhile. Can we please put Lightning and the rest of her broody band out to pasture now...and shoot them? Please?
Can we please shove a shotgun up this cocksucker's asshole and blow his brains all over the ceiling? Please?

Holy fucking shit, all of you fucking retards deserve to die.
Why? The XIII series is like the Final Fantasy equivalent of the Resident Evil live action movies. Then again I totally expect the response I'm going to get from you given your social interaction meter is somewhere in the pits of hades.
You really shouldn't bother with this guy, like at all. He is blatantly not here for proper discussion, if he's not trolling, he's legitimately not worth wasting the words on.
 

Kurt Cristal

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Colt47 said:
Why? The XIII series is like the Final Fantasy equivalent of the Resident Evil live action movies. Then again I totally expect the response I'm going to get from you given your social interaction meter is somewhere in the pits of hades.
Hey now, have you played RE5 and 6? The movies have CLEARLY taken over, quality wise. At least the movies are at least somewhat aware they're kindof dumb.

Teasing aside, and I actually kind of liked Lightning. Her broodiness was given context here and there and she had the decency to not wallow in her depression and take action on a fairly regular basis. Also watching her punch people was a delight. And it's been a while since I played it, I recall her lightening (heh) up towards the middle end bits. But wait, that was XIII.

This now, Lightning Returns? Was rather nonplussed with the combat system, it felt too awkward and then the demo was over before you could really start to enjoy it. Here's the first cutscene and half a tutorial, enjoy! Meh. Bad first impression, it will take quite a bit to get me to even rent this one, even if I give Lightning as a character more leeway than others are willing to. And to whit, I skipped XIII-2 entirely.
 

Cybylt

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Aug 13, 2009
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The plot reads like fanfiction, Stagger and the fact that your roles are still actually supposed to align with Commando, Ravager, and Medic/Sentinel is never explained at all unless you recognized their little symbols, and Lightning remains as dull as ever, the whole thing is a goddamned mess. But it's also really, really fun.

This isn't even a Final Fantasy game, this is a Tri-Ace game, and I mean that in a really good way. Combat is 13's fully realized final hour where everything is open to you, except it's all open to you from the very start. The time management makes things feel very fraught and like you're always on the brink of not making it to the next bit but in actuality you can just come back again another day which is a plus or minus depending on how you take it. Further, time doesn't pass in combat. For whatever reason I also liked how the apathetic populace typical of a sidequest heavy rpg actually comes into play into the plot, and it changes the world around you as you complete their quests. The people are 500+ years old and are just... done. They don't care anymore and are just waiting for the world to end, but when you help them you bring back meaning fulfillment to their life and they and the people around them change with it. Yusnaan goes from a mindless party awaiting the end to everyone helping each other out and preparing for what's to come, the air of desperation turns to one of actual enjoyment.

You don't level up, instead you get stat upgrades from completing quests so grinding is a non-issue unless you want to go about making the monster population extinct to get the "Last One" bonus rewards like an incredibly powerful sword and chips to level up your abilities. But the largest monster populations, for things that you can kill in one or two hits, aren't much above 100.

I couldn't in good conscience recommend anyone to go out and buy the game at full price, because as I said it's a mess, but it's also by and away the best entry in the FF13 trio. Probably because it doesn't feel like it was meant to be, it just happens to have the cast in it.