Zero Punctuation: The Witcher

[Dectilon]

I agree with pretty much everything he says, but most of what he says holds true for any rpg in the same style (like oblivion etc) and The Witcher is actually lighter in that regard (than Oblivion). Geralts natural attraction must go futher than looks, voice and charisma though, all things considered ^^ That bit is pretty ridiculous. I do however like the moral ambivalence not present in most games of this type. What I don't like is how the translation was badly handled. Not just the voices, but the way things seem to happen at random, and how some conversations are just freaky weird for no reason... well, you all know what I'm talking about if you've played it.

I'm surprised he didn't whine about the loading times, but then again, he did say he had a special super computer from space...

 

[Alphazero]

I know pufferfish. I've worked with pufferfish. And that man/woman was no pufferfish.

 

[firestomp23]

Although I normally like CRPGs rather a lot, and MMORPG questing has the strange effect of not bothering me at all, I found this review shockingly insightful, and its elegant presentation and flawless deba... Oh who am I kidding.

LOL!!!!!

Oh my god, I... j... hol... I think several new phrases are going to be entering my lexicon, including "glorious PC-gaming master race," "Retard McSpackypants," "washing the gimp," and "pufferfish."

Wow.. Thou hast outdone thyself, oh gloriously irreverent one.

 

[qaqa1]

IM just posting cause i want too

 

[blackadvent]

How much cursing would there be if he reviewed 'I Wanna Be The Guy'?

 

[Caliostro]

I rather enjoyed the witcher, but I'm sure you'll hear that enough in the 100+ comments this will get.

Most of his reviews destroy just about any game, even if they are just about the best thing since sliced bread. Take the reviews for what they are: brilliant humour. If you really want to know how good a game is, talk to a mate who played it or rent it yourself. Or did you expect to find a review from any company that is paid by publishers that is trustworthy (yes gamespot/ign/famitsu/etc. I'm looking at you ¬_¬)

Oh and dad, stay away please.^_^

You know, there is a quite good reason for why most of Yatzhee's reviews bash games endlessly.


... Because most games nowadays suck ass... Companies focus so much on graphics they just forget about... Everything else... And he doesn't destroy every game, he recommended some of the games he reviewed, and clearly wrecked others.

Almost every single RPG/MMORPG nowadays is made by copy pasting the exact same game code on diferent player and NPC models in diferent terrains, with diferent names... But it's ALWAYS the same crap... Same seems to go for every other game genre nowadays that seems to devolve more than evolve...

Portal has been the only exception recently, beeing entirely innovating and brilliantly done... And as such, has receive the credit it deserves.

 

[Terramax]

Didn't like this review so much. He made what sounded like good points (until this review I honestly though it was an MMORPG) but it just wasn't up to the high standards. The Painkiller wasn't funny until the last 4 lines either

Still looking forward to the next episode though.

 

[Chis]

Another excellent review, convinced me not to bother with The Witcher and just give Fallout 2 and Planescape: Torment more time instead.

This was only let down by featuring one of the worst bands to come from America. The Offspring are the worst kind of emo-rock/grunge, not that there is such a thing as "good emo-rock". But considering how much Yahtzee hates The Witcher, perhaps it's appropriate...

And the Painkiller section, I hope it's an ode to how crap the game itself is. Not a successful addition, IMHO, unless you really do find cheap blowjob gags that funny.

 

[mrt181]

best part was that finally someone pointed out that pc gamers are superior to console gamers in any imaginable way.

 

[Kitari]

You know, at the crossroads, I'd have to say Swindon is your best bet. Also, puffer fish.

Oh and also plus, why does the guygirl need 20 minutes prep time for 30 seconds of hot vacuuming action?

I live in Swindon... I feel cool that someone knows we exist. But yes, good review as usual.

 

[DarthTirith]

best part was that finally someone pointed out that pc gamers are superior to console gamers in any imaginable way.

He was being sarcastic. The Witcher is a great example of why sometimes the simple controls and interface used in consoles can be better then a PC.

 

[nickpick]

Hehe, I think this review just added The Witcher to the "best games ever" list. Honestly, I loved the game and knowing that Yahtzee only reviews the best of the best (, Sir!), it makes me love the game even more.

Those of you who haven't played it, you really should give it a go. It has one of the best stories I've ever seen in a video game. [no spoilers included]

 

[Crooked Knight]

The "This is a MUMORPUGER!" line was brilliant.

 

[SirronTM]

I miss oblivion, which I have pretty much completely completed, which is why a copy of this "single player MMORPG" currently resides on my games-I-still-play shelf. It was either The Witcher or Two Worlds, so I went with the witcher. I agree with everything said, but I'm glad I steered clear of Two Worlds. The Witcher, slight-lesser of the two evils.

 

[DeathWyrmNexus]

Mmmmm, I laughed a lot. I wish I could be more insightful but I just laughed my ass off. The things he thought were boring are pretty much things I can pick up on. Then again, I am a dungeon slime like that.

However, I am not all that fond of PC gaming. I spend too much time on this damn machine as is.

 

[Yahtzee Croshaw]

ha ha i love the end

 

[Grizzzzzzzz]

review an RTS or something Yahtzee you prodigious titillating representative of the male sex.

rather than all these "i am [name], i'm going to save the world/country/universe/local pub".

 

[Phil Ashio]

One of the few critics with balls enough to call crappy games for what they are. Good thing he didn't stick around to chapter 4 where the MMORPG design becomes even more blatant padding. And by that point he would have also discovered how much worse alchemy becomes when mixed with the shitty inventory system. Then there's the tedious gift giving and the often broken nonsensical dialog trees.

 

[viciousmaniac]

I have to say how completely brilliant this was, especially in terms of sheer entertainment. The best and ironically most lucid one yet, and that was before that great, somewhat Pythons/Adam and Joe-esq bit with Painkiller at the end.

There's not much to debate, just about everything said on The MUMORPUGER, er sorry, The Witcher was spot on really. The MMORPGS-style template always felt like the nerd equivalent of the tea cup ride at Disneyland, in my view.

 

[Odjin]

@DarthTirith:
Not sarcastic: true. Games geared for consoles in the first place kill the game. One example is DX:IW where the console control schema and GUI totally killed ( besides other things ) the game itself. One of the reasons why PC games suck so much in the last time is due to crappy "OMFG WE NEED A CONSOLE VERSION.... KTHXBYE!" thinking of developers. The result are crappy controls, crappy GUIs, totally overloaded and unusable GUI systems and resolutions geared for a fucking TV screen not knowing what something like 1600 pixels wide really means.

To whoever said something about his reviews have no truth and are just for fun this is bullshit. The gaming industries churn out since quite some time the most repeating and boring shit one can imagine. Furthermore crap sites like IGN and others toss out over-hyped reviews just to get publishers to put their fucking ads on their fucking pages ( which I call "finger my dick" syndrome ). We need people really saying what shit is going on and not sugar-coating it just so we get our fucking revenues.