Fantastic Beasts: Secrets of Dumbledore, no/10.
Or as I like to call it: Craptastic Beats: Shat beds of Bumblefuck. Or Shitheads of Fumbledolt. Or FantASStic Beasts: Dipshits of Dumbledore
I fear I may start repeating myself through this post, because there are only so many expressions to convey astonishment. Because I am truly stunned. Flabbergasted. Astounded. My mind is blown to smithereens. I can't remember the last time a film left me so shocked, let alone one I actually went to see in IMAX. I had low expectations going in, but those were blown out of the water as the film plummeted 60 feet underground, and then kept digging. This is without a doubt one of the worst written, incomprehensible, overstuffed, incoherent, padded and drawn out, tonally dissonant, tone deaf and genuinely offensive pieces of filmmaking I've ever witnessed. You could write a whole book dissecting everything this film does wrong. But I'll try to be brief.
If you were hoping that Rowling had learned any lessons about screenwriting since Crimes of Grindelwald, oh boy are you in for a disappointment and then some. In that department this film repeats every single mistake from the last film, minus the hilarious barrage of plot twists in the last 20 minutes. There are a zillion characters and subplots, and almost none of the matter for reasons I'll talk about soon. The plot is at the same time labyrinthine and impenetrable, but also completely and utterly inconsequential. Stuff just happens and you have no idea why, or what it's leading to. The film this reminded me of the most is Saaho, the utterly maddening 3-hour Bollywood crime epic, and believe me, that's not a favourable comparison. At around 15-20 minutes in the film essentially goes "Hey, let's just bumble around for the next hour or so without a reason why" out loud, and proceeds to do exactly that. It is truly a moment to behold when the film gives itself essentially a license to just do a bunch of random scenes and stuff. Thing happen because the script says so, not because the story warrants it. The characters are there because the script and marketing say so, not because the story warrants it. It's a perfect storm of not only how to not write a screenplay, but how not to write a story, period.
In terms of tone this is probably even more mismatched than the previous one, and I'll remind you that film had multiple killings of young children. It's no longer even happy scene -> horrifying scene, now the tone swaps schizophrenically around within the same scenes, and it's maddening. The fundamentally misaligned premise of a wizard pokemon trainer going around in this incomprehensible, horribly dark plot is highlighted even more when the cutesy CG creatures take over from time to time. I think I've genuinely never seen a franchise be so schizophrenic with its tone.
The action is genuinely some of the most confusing I've ever seen. This isn't an action film, but the few scenes where it happens it's often really hard to tell what's supposed to be happening. In more than one scene it plays out like a JRPG random encounter: completely separated from the physical world of the film, taking place in what seems like a demiplane. I feel the film also assumes the viewer to already know the mechanics of this world, because often I was wondering "is this some specific spell they're using here I'm supposed to recognize?"
All of this would have been... well, not fine, but somewhat acceptable (in a flabbergasting, hilariously awful way) so far. But the thing that pushed this over the line into disgust territory, and why I refuse to give it a rating is this: have you ever wondered what it would look like if a profoundly privileged multimillionaire head of a multimedia empire watched the state of the world over the last 4 years and decided: "Yes, my time is come. It is time for the world to see my commentary on the state of things"... in a children's film series. Because that's what JK Rowling decided to do here. See, the plot concerns an election. Of essentially the head of the wizarding world. And through a series of plot contrivances Grindelwald ends up not only becoming a candidate, but he wins. Grindelwald. The mass murdering, fascist, essentially racial supremacist uber-villain who's basically the Sauron of this world. This is what Joanne "JK just kidding" Rowling decided to make the plot of this giant movie production.
Do I even need to say how insanely fucking tone-deaf that is? Rowling looked at the state of the world sliding ever closer towards fascism, the proliferation of misinformation, and the erosion of institutions of democracy, and decided to make that the core element around which the entire plot revolves around. Again, in a fucking children's film series. And then it gets worse when this horrifyingly close to real life situation is resolved in the most agonizingly liberal, patronizingly childish, "trust the process" way where the truth and facts win, and the populist fascist is stripped of all his support in a matter of seconds because a magical baby goat says he's a bad guy (BTW I am not making that up). It is truly magnificent to see someone's privilege and sheltering from the real world displayed in such grandiosity through a work of fiction. No, facts don't win out because a magical baby goat says you're a bad guy. The supporters of the fascist don't just stop supporting him when the facts are revealed, quite the opposite in fact. And that's why this is not just a bad film, but IMO a vile one.
And when you start to think about it it gets even worser. Because all this could have been avoided with the tiniest rewrites. Don't make Grindelwald a candidate, make him wizard Al Capone. Let him be the moustache-twirling gangster who's pulling strings in the background. Let the german minister be his stooge through whom Grindelwald gains power. That's familiar ground in children's entertainment, that's classic villain tropes 101. The rest of the plot could have stayed exactly the same. But no, Rowling felt she really had to make such an on the nose, 1 to 1 parallel to Trump, or Orban, or pick your poison really.
Whatever few merits this film has are overshadowed by how repulsive I personally found it to such a degree that they're barely worth mentioning. Jude Law and Mads Mikkelsen are great in their respective roles, even if Mikkelsen is doing a rather familiar shtick. But it's a shtick that works, and his character design is way better than Johnny Depp's was. The effects are great, even if the context in which they happen amounts to basically a theme park ride. And aside from those there's really... nothing.
Don't watch it. Or at the very least don't pay for it.
Or as I like to call it: Craptastic Beats: Shat beds of Bumblefuck. Or Shitheads of Fumbledolt. Or FantASStic Beasts: Dipshits of Dumb
I fear I may start repeating myself through this post, because there are only so many expressions to convey astonishment. Because I am truly stunned. Flabbergasted. Astounded. My mind is blown to smithereens. I can't remember the last time a film left me so shocked, let alone one I actually went to see in IMAX. I had low expectations going in, but those were blown out of the water as the film plummeted 60 feet underground, and then kept digging. This is without a doubt one of the worst written, incomprehensible, overstuffed, incoherent, padded and drawn out, tonally dissonant, tone deaf and genuinely offensive pieces of filmmaking I've ever witnessed. You could write a whole book dissecting everything this film does wrong. But I'll try to be brief.
If you were hoping that Rowling had learned any lessons about screenwriting since Crimes of Grindelwald, oh boy are you in for a disappointment and then some. In that department this film repeats every single mistake from the last film, minus the hilarious barrage of plot twists in the last 20 minutes. There are a zillion characters and subplots, and almost none of the matter for reasons I'll talk about soon. The plot is at the same time labyrinthine and impenetrable, but also completely and utterly inconsequential. Stuff just happens and you have no idea why, or what it's leading to. The film this reminded me of the most is Saaho, the utterly maddening 3-hour Bollywood crime epic, and believe me, that's not a favourable comparison. At around 15-20 minutes in the film essentially goes "Hey, let's just bumble around for the next hour or so without a reason why" out loud, and proceeds to do exactly that. It is truly a moment to behold when the film gives itself essentially a license to just do a bunch of random scenes and stuff. Thing happen because the script says so, not because the story warrants it. The characters are there because the script and marketing say so, not because the story warrants it. It's a perfect storm of not only how to not write a screenplay, but how not to write a story, period.
In terms of tone this is probably even more mismatched than the previous one, and I'll remind you that film had multiple killings of young children. It's no longer even happy scene -> horrifying scene, now the tone swaps schizophrenically around within the same scenes, and it's maddening. The fundamentally misaligned premise of a wizard pokemon trainer going around in this incomprehensible, horribly dark plot is highlighted even more when the cutesy CG creatures take over from time to time. I think I've genuinely never seen a franchise be so schizophrenic with its tone.
The action is genuinely some of the most confusing I've ever seen. This isn't an action film, but the few scenes where it happens it's often really hard to tell what's supposed to be happening. In more than one scene it plays out like a JRPG random encounter: completely separated from the physical world of the film, taking place in what seems like a demiplane. I feel the film also assumes the viewer to already know the mechanics of this world, because often I was wondering "is this some specific spell they're using here I'm supposed to recognize?"
All of this would have been... well, not fine, but somewhat acceptable (in a flabbergasting, hilariously awful way) so far. But the thing that pushed this over the line into disgust territory, and why I refuse to give it a rating is this: have you ever wondered what it would look like if a profoundly privileged multimillionaire head of a multimedia empire watched the state of the world over the last 4 years and decided: "Yes, my time is come. It is time for the world to see my commentary on the state of things"... in a children's film series. Because that's what JK Rowling decided to do here. See, the plot concerns an election. Of essentially the head of the wizarding world. And through a series of plot contrivances Grindelwald ends up not only becoming a candidate, but he wins. Grindelwald. The mass murdering, fascist, essentially racial supremacist uber-villain who's basically the Sauron of this world. This is what Joanne "JK just kidding" Rowling decided to make the plot of this giant movie production.
Do I even need to say how insanely fucking tone-deaf that is? Rowling looked at the state of the world sliding ever closer towards fascism, the proliferation of misinformation, and the erosion of institutions of democracy, and decided to make that the core element around which the entire plot revolves around. Again, in a fucking children's film series. And then it gets worse when this horrifyingly close to real life situation is resolved in the most agonizingly liberal, patronizingly childish, "trust the process" way where the truth and facts win, and the populist fascist is stripped of all his support in a matter of seconds because a magical baby goat says he's a bad guy (BTW I am not making that up). It is truly magnificent to see someone's privilege and sheltering from the real world displayed in such grandiosity through a work of fiction. No, facts don't win out because a magical baby goat says you're a bad guy. The supporters of the fascist don't just stop supporting him when the facts are revealed, quite the opposite in fact. And that's why this is not just a bad film, but IMO a vile one.
And when you start to think about it it gets even worser. Because all this could have been avoided with the tiniest rewrites. Don't make Grindelwald a candidate, make him wizard Al Capone. Let him be the moustache-twirling gangster who's pulling strings in the background. Let the german minister be his stooge through whom Grindelwald gains power. That's familiar ground in children's entertainment, that's classic villain tropes 101. The rest of the plot could have stayed exactly the same. But no, Rowling felt she really had to make such an on the nose, 1 to 1 parallel to Trump, or Orban, or pick your poison really.
Whatever few merits this film has are overshadowed by how repulsive I personally found it to such a degree that they're barely worth mentioning. Jude Law and Mads Mikkelsen are great in their respective roles, even if Mikkelsen is doing a rather familiar shtick. But it's a shtick that works, and his character design is way better than Johnny Depp's was. The effects are great, even if the context in which they happen amounts to basically a theme park ride. And aside from those there's really... nothing.
Don't watch it. Or at the very least don't pay for it.