Court Gives Zombies Constitutional Rights

Tom Goldman

Crying on the inside.
Aug 17, 2009
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Court Gives Zombies Constitutional Rights



A Minneapolis appeals court has ruled wholeheartedly in favor of first amendment rights for zombies.

Back in 2006, a group of 7 "blind consumerism" protesters dressed up as the undead and traipsed around a Minneapolis mall. It's no surprise that someone called the cops on them, and that they were then arrested for disorderly conduct and put in jail for two nights. The group believed they were wrongfully arrested, and filed a federal lawsuit against the city of Minneapolis, which was at first struck down but has now been allowed to continue by an appeals court.

The zombie protesters were wearing fake blood, white powder, and had black circles around their eyes, so they definitely looked like some creepy-ass dudes. They were also carrying audio equipment and wireless phone handsets (cellphones?) that police described as "simulated weapons of mass destruction." Despite the protester's methods and carrying of these "weapons," the appeals court says that the police were unjustified in the arrest by a vote of two-to-one.

"An objectively reasonable person would not think probable cause exists under the Minnesota disorderly conduct statue to arrest a group of peaceful people for engaging in an artistic protest by playing music, broadcasting statements (and) dressing as zombies," the court ruled. The protesters' lawsuit seeks $50,000 in damages per arrest, claiming that their zombie constitutional rights were violated.

Depending on the level of behavior the zombie protesters were exhibiting, I may agree with the appeal court's decision. If the police told them to leave the mall, and they didn't, they deserve the arrest. If they were immediately arrested for walking around like zombies, and weren't touching or harming anyone around them, there may be some credence to the wrongful arrest lawsuit, though $50,000 in damages sounds like a bit much.

The big issue here is that we all just became a lot less safe as a society that will, without a doubt, eventually be overrun by zombies. How are we to know when the zombie apocalypse begins if the undead have the right to walk the streets by law? My rule of thumb has been and always will be to kill any zombie I see and worry about if it was someone in a costume later. I'm not going to get eaten just because some college kids hate the mall.

(Via: Sci-Fi Wire [http://scifiwire.com/2010/02/zombies-have-first-amendm.php])


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Dec 14, 2009
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What! This is terrible! If we start giving zombies rights then eventually we'll get a PETA-esque group trying to give them more!
 

Hurr Durr Derp

New member
Apr 8, 2009
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As long as they weren't snacking on people's brains, I don't see why they should be arrested.

Zombies are humans too!
 

iggyus

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Apr 18, 2009
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The Zombies are taking over the government!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!
 

AvsJoe

Elite Member
May 28, 2009
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Hehehe... I read this on Fark yesterday. I can only hope that zombies never become aware of the fact that they're constitutionally protected. Otherwise they'll be ever-so-slightly more dangerous (they'll have the option of suing you as well as eating you, scary...).
 

Asturiel

the God of Pants
Nov 24, 2009
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They were likely arrested on the spot, but 50k is harsh man...

And who cares if zombies have rights? I dont think the government would stick to that policy in 12 days the zombie apocalypse.
 

Blatherscythe

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Oct 14, 2009
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Alright good for them, as long as we can't be sued for shooting real zombies in the face than I'm fine with this.
 

SnowCold

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Oct 1, 2008
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hURR dURR dERP said:
As long as they weren't snacking on people's brains, I don't see why they should be arrested.

Zombies are humans too!
Used to be humans.
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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Tom Goldman said:
Back in 2006, a group of 7 "blind consumerism" protesters dressed up as the undead and traipsed around a Minneapolis mall.
The protesters' lawsuit seeks $50,000 in damages per arrest, claiming that their zombie constitutional rights were violated.
If they were immediately arrested for walking around like zombies, and weren't touching or harming anyone around them, there may be some credence to the wrongful arrest lawsuit, though $50,000 in damages sounds like a bit much.
You know, the irony here is that the protestors are after $50,000 in damages and yet they are apparently anti-consumerism. Which begs the question, what will they do with all that money if they win? I'm pretty certain that any other teenager would be straight back to that mall if they had that much money...
 

jasoncyrus

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Sep 11, 2008
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In all honesty if they were protesting they are supposed to notify the authorities before hand so this doesn't happen.

Since it was INSIDE a private shopping structure theyre definately supposed to notify the authorities.