Stop Camping Your Girlfriend for Sex
If he'd rather game than talk, there might be a problem.
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If he'd rather game than talk, there might be a problem.
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Stop Camping Your Girlfriend for Sex
- Thread starter Lara Crigger
- Start date
I feel real bad for the second person who wrote in, I hope that she managed to resolve the situation.
Sound advice from my complete lack of experience, and there's no way in hell I'd invite a gal I liked over to dinner; my stepdad would scare'em off before they realized I'm an asshole.
But yeah, I've made a remarkable discovery all by myself! I've been interested in two girls, one a Jessica, the other a Jessie. My name is Jesse...
But yeah, I've made a remarkable discovery all by myself! I've been interested in two girls, one a Jessica, the other a Jessie. My name is Jesse...
Yeesh. There's direct, and then there's... well... a little hateful.Lara Crigger said:
You gave pretty good advice to Answer, I think. The other reason to go somewhere neutral is so that both parties have the opportunity to leave if things aren't up to snuff. Otherwise, the "host" might feel a bit jerkish if it isn't working, because that means asking the other person to leave.
But then you urge Camped immediately into confrontation. That's the absolute best way to guarantee dialogue never happens, because you open the conversation with a metaphorical slap in the face. No matter how well-reasoned your side, the other person is on the adrenaline-fueled defensive.
We heard one side. She feels (justifiably) taken for granted. And he may very well be doing so... but perhaps not intentionally. We're not programmed to be automatically empathetic, and this sounds like a young couple. It probably is just a case of immaturity that will eventually lead to a break up... but isn't it better for her to practice the communication skills she would use in a later, healthier relationship?
Don't suffer in silence and be upset that he doesn't "hear" you. Express your feelings, explain what he does that makes you feel that way, and then let him respond. Remember, you've had time to think about this issue, and he is potentially just now hearing about it (or at least understanding how big a deal it is). It might be that both of you have some unclear expectations, or are missing some details, and that these color how you perceive the situation (and how you describe it to others).
Above all, focus on good communication. Not necessarily to "save the relationship," because at this point it might not be worth it. But so that you become a better communicator because of it, wherever you end up going.
Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.
But there's no need to go after the guy's parents like that. Different people have different values. It doesn't mean his parents want to have "approval rights," or that he needs their validation. I find it a bit weird, too, and I would recommend to him that he get to know the girl himself before bringing her home (which also gives her time to adjust before more people are involved)... but there's no reason to belittle the guy because his parents are friendly.
Camped is needy, but perhaps justifiably. Honestly, it seems her bf needs to get a second tv/console in the house. Am left wondering how deep the relationship is; eg if you can't communicate, your relationship is probably doomed. The advice is mostly solid; sometimes you need to make it through an awkward talk in order to change for the better, but leave the posturing threats out of it.
I am often left wondering what to do in the same situation, but if nothing else comes up, I have usually learned to stop myself from playing games until after a reasonable time or she has gone off to do something else. Also, does the guy not enjoy watching someone else play?
And what's necessarily wrong with camping your gf for sex? Seems like it's the other way around in this situation.
Third guy: Need to move on. I'm sorry. I've been there before; it's horrible if you let your emotion create some sort of desired fantasy, and are subsequently let down.
I am often left wondering what to do in the same situation, but if nothing else comes up, I have usually learned to stop myself from playing games until after a reasonable time or she has gone off to do something else. Also, does the guy not enjoy watching someone else play?
And what's necessarily wrong with camping your gf for sex? Seems like it's the other way around in this situation.
Third guy: Need to move on. I'm sorry. I've been there before; it's horrible if you let your emotion create some sort of desired fantasy, and are subsequently let down.
I think the writer is being a bit hard on "nice guys" I used to be one of those. I just didn't have any experience or confidence for awhile. After awhile I found the confidence to be more direct and didn't have to be anyone's friend. But still I was a "nice guy" and I wasn't a dick >.< just took me a bit to build up the courage to ask someone out is all.
Last guy needs to move on. I had a girl that I find absolutely gorgeous do similar to me. When I was with my wife she seemed VERY into me. We even had a "first date" after I divorced.
I was just hanging out with her at her house. We ate some fast food, watched a movie, and shared a $3 bottle of wine (Not romantically, just as cheap alcohol. Beer & wine is all you can get in her city due to religiously influenced laws.). After the movie, she says "Good first date..." I was under no impression we were having once since I was originally only there have some food with her since she was depressed she broke up with her boyfriend the night before and wasn't eating.
I asked her out (officially) a couple times after that. She said "I can't this weekend" or something similar, every time. We have hung out maybe 3 or 4 times since then, all in public places as non-dates with friends. After a few times you just have to give up. Later she even mentioned to me that she didn't want to date me.
I'm still friends with this girl. One of the times we went out as friends was after I gave up on her as a romantic interest. I still have some feelings for her, but they do fade. He just needs the time to get over it.
I was just hanging out with her at her house. We ate some fast food, watched a movie, and shared a $3 bottle of wine (Not romantically, just as cheap alcohol. Beer & wine is all you can get in her city due to religiously influenced laws.). After the movie, she says "Good first date..." I was under no impression we were having once since I was originally only there have some food with her since she was depressed she broke up with her boyfriend the night before and wasn't eating.
I asked her out (officially) a couple times after that. She said "I can't this weekend" or something similar, every time. We have hung out maybe 3 or 4 times since then, all in public places as non-dates with friends. After a few times you just have to give up. Later she even mentioned to me that she didn't want to date me.
I'm still friends with this girl. One of the times we went out as friends was after I gave up on her as a romantic interest. I still have some feelings for her, but they do fade. He just needs the time to get over it.
THe nice guys she is refering to are the guys that aren't nice because that's their personality, they are nice because they believe that being nice is all they need to do to get girls to sleep with them.Sandytimeman said:
A word of advice to the author: Not everything is exactly as it appears, and I think it would behoove you to show a bit of restraint in your judgment and gender stereotype pigeonholing. It's not easy being a naive young man in love with a girl who doesn't feel the same way. Try being more gentle when you let him down.
And regarding the second question, not every woman who feels she isn't getting enough attention deserves the equivalent of "you go girl! drop that zero and get yourself a hero". Relationships involve compromise, and this seems like a young couple who might not be well practiced at that yet. Maybe he's a great guy and they could come to some understanding without her confronting him and delivering an ultimatum. Honestly, "Spend more time with me!" pretty much always makes a person want to do the opposite. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Imagine that your boyfriend is disappointed in the attention he gets, so he writes in to an advice column. The advice essentially amounts to "Confront her. Demand more attention, because you deserve it, and if she isn't willing to give it, dump her."
How would you feel if your boyfriend then followed that advice? I could be off base, but I have the sense there'd be a big dose of resentment all around, and *someone* would do the dumping. You can't make a relationship work if you put your needs ahead of your partner's. It's quite possible that that's exactly what he's doing. But it's also possible that we're not getting the whole story, or that we're getting a biased version, and you counseled her to put her needs ahead of his.
And regarding the second question, not every woman who feels she isn't getting enough attention deserves the equivalent of "you go girl! drop that zero and get yourself a hero". Relationships involve compromise, and this seems like a young couple who might not be well practiced at that yet. Maybe he's a great guy and they could come to some understanding without her confronting him and delivering an ultimatum. Honestly, "Spend more time with me!" pretty much always makes a person want to do the opposite. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Imagine that your boyfriend is disappointed in the attention he gets, so he writes in to an advice column. The advice essentially amounts to "Confront her. Demand more attention, because you deserve it, and if she isn't willing to give it, dump her."
How would you feel if your boyfriend then followed that advice? I could be off base, but I have the sense there'd be a big dose of resentment all around, and *someone* would do the dumping. You can't make a relationship work if you put your needs ahead of your partner's. It's quite possible that that's exactly what he's doing. But it's also possible that we're not getting the whole story, or that we're getting a biased version, and you counseled her to put her needs ahead of his.
Her job isn't to search for information, it's to give her advice one the situation given the information (of which she does not share all of it with us) that is included in the emails.Labcoat Samurai said:
Ha. All these people with these problems. Lucky I don't have any problems like this!
OT: Common sense seems to fly out of the window when the brain pumps those sex hormones.
#1: Like I said, common sense. I've met a couple of people from the intertubes, neither for sex, and it wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be.
#2: Common courtesy this time. Anyone to goes off to play singleplayer games when other people are around, sexy time notwithstanding, is rude.
#3: Don't you think your parents are encroaching on your life? And, dude, girls are people too. They have likes and dislikes. They aren't this thing you woo and level up. She said no thank you and you're still friends. Friends count for a lot.
How'd you get into this job? Is it, for the lack of a better word, fun?
[image height=90]http://s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/entries/icons/original/000/003/619/Untitled-1.jpg?1288903617[/IMG]
OT: Common sense seems to fly out of the window when the brain pumps those sex hormones.
#1: Like I said, common sense. I've met a couple of people from the intertubes, neither for sex, and it wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be.
#2: Common courtesy this time. Anyone to goes off to play singleplayer games when other people are around, sexy time notwithstanding, is rude.
#3: Don't you think your parents are encroaching on your life? And, dude, girls are people too. They have likes and dislikes. They aren't this thing you woo and level up. She said no thank you and you're still friends. Friends count for a lot.
Ha! Your avatar made me laugh.Lara Crigger said:
How'd you get into this job? Is it, for the lack of a better word, fun?
#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".
I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".
I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.
You hit the nail on the head, my only problem with this advice column is the seeming perpetuation of the "friend zone", but I'm willing to overlook it because the rest of the advice is good.Alexnader said: