Stop Camping Your Girlfriend for Sex

[antipunt]

#3
True he does need to move on but harsh much? I mean I didn't get much of a "nice guy" vibe from his letter, he had a friend who he started feeling attracted to. Not "he liked this girl but couldn't ask her out so he became friends with her".

I've heard a couple of people claim that attraction can grow with familiarity, if they're in any way correct then I think Lara was too harsh on this one.

"Nice guys" are the great punching bags of our time, everyone gets to feel tough by slamming someone in the gut for not being an alpha male. You must never feel any sympathy for them either. It is utterly inconceivable that a person could start out friends with a woman, then discover in them characteristic they are attracted to, and then want to try to change the relationship. Anyone man who ever expresses any sexual interest in a female friend must be a conniving coward whose entire friendship was just a clever ruse to trick some helpless woman into bed. Hate them, and savor your hate. It will make you feel cool.

Yes ... nice guys are 'dicks'. God forbid they ever develop feelings or cannot find the courage to be more direct. And yes, don't forget the preplanned insidious acts to get into a girl's pants!!

I used to be a 'nice guy' and it's funny how women can be so clueless with these issues sometimes. I suppose you'd prefer alpha-males playing push pull, 'negging' you, and manipulating your every emotion. Real advice for guy # 3? Be MORE of a dick. In reality, you're -way too nice-. And honestly; that's the real problem. The author is right in that you are doing things wrong, but her explanations are far off. Women justify their attraction post-event, and I assure you plenty of males that women find 'attractive' are surprisingly 'jerky' without their swooning-googles.

 

[robert01]

#1
Up here in Canada it is common to have to drive an hour to just get to a restaurant, so driving three hours for nookie seems alright with me. But Lara is right, first time meets are better off somewhere public. And yes I am implying that all potential mates to be met online want to murder you and bathe in your fresh warm blood.

#2
You feel used because you are being used. If you could have your cake and eat it too would you turn down the opportunity? Probably not, by not saying ANYTHING about it you are enabling the behavior to continue. While the authors advice may walk you straight into conflict, a more subtle approach my not.

It may be because he doesn't know about this aspect of a relationship, give him the benefit of the doubt the first time you bring it up.

#3
While it may be possible to have the friendship grow into something more, I wouldn't place any bets on it. She seems pretty solid in her stance based on her wording. Does that mean you should give up hope for something more? Probably, but I am a pessimist in the worst way. Be her friend but don't push for anything more, if it happens it happens.

 

[Thaluikhain]

People seem to be mistaking "nice guys" with "Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup]".

Yes, you can find yourself attracted to women you are friends with. That's different to being, or pretending to be, friends with women in the hope they'll have sex with you, and crying foul when they don't.

If a woman tells you she's not interested in you, that she just wants to be friends, a nice guy will accept that she is a person too, and can make her own decisions. It's the Nice Guy[sup]TM[/sup] who needs to find a way to convince her otherwise, because she's chosen something he doesn't want.

 

[artanis_neravar]

I remember on reddit someone said that they never believe someone's "my partner/ex is horrible" stories, without getting the other person's take on them.

I now think they have the right idea.

Perhaps no one should be giving advice on "my partner sucks" stories without hearing from the partner. Well maybe small steps like "find out their excuse/reason for it".

That's not what advice columns are for thought, they are intended to give advice to someone and the columnist uses the information given to them in the letter to formulate that advice. It is up to the writer to determine whether or not they should follow it.

"Pressed, she's not into you. She's never been into you. She will never be into you."

Look I know it's important that he move on but seriously, she's not psychic, she doesn't know that part.

I've seen friendships become relationships and I doubt they both wanted to be "more than friends" at the same time.

The girl already said once, and recently from the sound of it, that she wasn't interested in anything more, so Lara does kind of know that, because while feelings do change it's not something you should put all of your hopes on. Also if friendships became relationships then they would both had to have wanted to be more than friends at the same time, otherwise they wouldn't be more then friends

 

[artanis_neravar]

I remember on reddit someone said that they never believe someone's "my partner/ex is horrible" stories, without getting the other person's take on them.

I now think they have the right idea.

Perhaps no one should be giving advice on "my partner sucks" stories without hearing from the partner. Well maybe small steps like "find out their excuse/reason for it".

That's not what advice columns are for thought, they are intended to give advice to someone and the columnist uses the information given to them in the letter to formulate that advice. It is up to the writer to determine whether or not they should follow it.

"Pressed, she's not into you. She's never been into you. She will never be into you."

Look I know it's important that he move on but seriously, she's not psychic, she doesn't know that part.

I've seen friendships become relationships and I doubt they both wanted to be "more than friends" at the same time.

The girl already said once, and recently from the sound of it, that she wasn't interested in anything more, so Lara does kind of know that, because while feelings do change it's not something you should put all of your hopes on.

Yeah I know, they are very rare but they do happen so saying it will never happen is just wrong.

Also if friendships became relationships then they would both had to have wanted to be more than friends at the same time, otherwise they wouldn't be more then friends

Not what I meant. What I meant was one of them probably wanted to be in a relationship before the other one. Of course they both had to come around, but probably not simultaneously (although I never asked so maybe they did).

Got it, it didn't start with them both wanting it.

And for the first part it's not wrong, this is her advice to him (granted I don't necessarily agree with it, the "friend zone" is complete bullshit) but her advice can't be "wrong" it can be bad advice, but it's hardly bad advice, it may not be the best, but it's not bad.

 

[Taunta]

I don't know why everyone is defending single-player bf. Whether she's your girlfriend or not, that's terrible host behavior, period. Shutting them out to do something solo while they sit there and do nothing is bad manners. Entertain your guests.

 

[Dastardly]

Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.

So I take it you either didn't read the article or you think he's lying based on some bullshit.

I don't think the guy was lying to her. I think he was lying to himself about his intentions. He was interested in her from the word "Go," but he wasn't confident enough to go for it. Happens all the time, to everyone, and it's perfectly normal. It's also something we should strive to overcome.

So, I take it you're projecting because you believe yourself to be in this same situation, and are perhaps similarly being dishonest with yourself, causing you to overreact to disagreement. Or, as it is with the above situation, that's at least what it surely looks like.

 

[Clockwork Scarecrow.]

Huh, I forgot that nerd men can be dicks too.

 

[Alar]

People seem to be mistaking "nice guys" with "Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup]".

Yes, you can find yourself attracted to women you are friends with. That's different to being, or pretending to be, friends with women in the hope they'll have sex with you, and crying foul when they don't.

If a woman tells you she's not interested in you, that she just wants to be friends, a nice guy will accept that she is a person too, and can make her own decisions. It's the Nice Guy[sup]TM[/sup] who needs to find a way to convince her otherwise, because she's chosen something he doesn't want.

Exactly. I think of myself as a nice guy. I became friends with one of my friend's girlfriend simply because she was around all the time and we all had the same interests. She's cute, kinda funny, and insecure. Just because of who I am, I sort of orbited towards her to provide support and confidence boosts when I could, but the more I hung out with her, the more I realized I was attracted to her.

After she broke up with my friend/her boyfriend, I considered for (perhaps too long) asking her out. She got another boyfriend before I could, and not long after I found out that she thinks of me like 'an older brother'.

It was at that point that I gave up on anything ever happening between us, aside from our friendship. We're still good friends, and hang out when we can. We even have a yearly Rocky Horror Picture Show tradition now.

 

[Kyrinn]

Pressed does, indeed, need to be more honest with himself. He was looking for a girlfriend, but was trying the classic "flanking" maneuver of "not looking for a girlfriend" while testing the waters. She saw it coming a mile away, because we're never as sneaky as we think we are.

So I take it you either didn't read the article or you think he's lying based on some bullshit.

I don't think the guy was lying to her. I think he was lying to himself about his intentions. He was interested in her from the word "Go," but he wasn't confident enough to go for it. Happens all the time, to everyone, and it's perfectly normal. It's also something we should strive to overcome.

So, I take it you're projecting because you believe yourself to be in this same situation, and are perhaps similarly being dishonest with yourself, causing you to overreact to disagreement. Or, as it is with the above situation, that's at least what it surely looks like.

He may have been intrested in her from the beginning, he may not have, but that doesn't mean he was dishonest with anyone. If he was intrested in the beginning yes he should have made his intentions known. He went about the deal the wrong way.

What many guys make the mistake of doing when they meet a nice girl (I'm guilty of this too) is they go into "friend mode" to see if they will actually like the person. The problem here is we stay in "friend mode" just a little (or a lot) too long. This can be confusing to women, who file the guy under "just friends", when he tries to ask them out or gets all Nice GuyTM on them.

If you think you might like a girl, ask her on a date as soon as possible. No need to get romantic right away, but she needs to know you see her as a possible more-than-a-friend. Now if this guy truly only saw her as a friend at first then developed feelings for her.... It's not unheard of for the girl to eventually like the guy back but don't count on it.

Also first post

 

[hexFrank202]

I'm the fellow who wrote letter #1. While I greatly admire Ms. Crigger's bluntness, toughness directness and honesty, she misunderstood my question. But it's my fault; I didn't elaborate.

The question wasn't 'is it safe?', but rather, 'does it not make me look like a loser, desperate for sex?' I mean it sounds really clingy and lame, am I wrong?

Tell you what: I'll explain why I've thought about this for so long. Let me set the scene for you...

I have a certain sexual and emotional kink; all I'll say is that it's very uncommon and it's not furry fandom. Suffice it to say, people with this kink tend to be extremely attracted to one another, and if not we at least like to hang out and talk about its emotional side.
So some time ago, I was chatting online with a guy who also had this kink. After realizing how much he plays WoW, and in general how fat and boring he probably is, he told me about this girl online he met who also had the kink, and the brief physical relationship they had together. And he said,

"I drove three hours to get to her house."

See what I mean? This has nothing to do with rape, lies or STDs, just the pathetic implications of the act. It's basically saying "I don't have anything better to do than go across the country for someone I barely know."

If the drive were only like 20 minutes, or if both members of the relationship agreed to travel a relatively equal length of time, it'd be fine. I actually know a girl online (with that kink, yes) who I may at some point have the opportunity to meet up with, and I think she lives a pretty steep distance from me, so this is getting pretty relevant to me personally.



Now, of course, the disclaimers:

1: Yes, I know going to great lengths to be with someone can have a positive effect and demonstrate one's selflessness and passion.

2: Yes, I AM very aware of wanting to appear 'cool' to potential mates and/or friends, and want to avoid looking 'lame'. It's just that those words don't mean to me what you possibly think they do.

3: I don't have anything against playing WoW for any length of time; I'm fine with obesity; not everybody needs a bunch of friends. People just shouldn't be selfish assholes and let their life waste away, is all.

4: I'm aware Laura did get into other things like 'meeting in a neutral location', but they still weren't quite the topic I was hoping to bring up.

 

[el_kabong]

I'm fine with obesity; not everybody needs a bunch of friends. People just shouldn't be selfish assholes and let their life waste away, is all.

That is the shallowest thing I've ever heard. Congratulations for making me lose faith in humanity.

 

[FluxCapacitor]

I'm fine with obesity; not everybody needs a bunch of friends. People just shouldn't be selfish assholes and let their life waste away, is all.

That is the shallowest thing I've ever heard. Congratulations for making me lose faith in humanity.

You're taking this waaaay out of context - he's not connecting the obesity to the having no friends, he's trying to say that he doesn't want to sound like he's judging the WoW player in his story. Semicolons separate items in a list, and he's listing off prejudices (he says) he doesn't have. Although he does seem like he's judging the dude, at least a little bit, by not wanting to take on the same associations he's clearly got for this other dude.

On-topic: this thread is probably now gonna become a "What's UltraHammer's secret fetish?" thread... Still, my advice to you, Ultrahammer, is do what you want. If you wanna drive 3 hours to see this girl, do it. If you're worried about what people will think if you tell them the story, don't tell them.

Look at it this way - if driving 3 hours to get some makes you seem desperate for sex, then NOT driving 3 hours to get some purely because you're worried what people will think makes you seem desperate for approval. As long as we're looking desperate for something, you might as well do the one that allows you to get some lovin'...