An Apology to Jon Finkel

[GunboatDiplomat]

It's amusing to see how political one bad date gets, isn't it? I suppose there are always going to be people on both sides of the battlefield, which is what makes a healthy debate.

Gunboat, I'm not the dating police, nor do I agree with your viewpoint, but I respect your right to have it. I don't think my rage at this article is even really connected with the fact that I knew who Jon Finkel was prior to reading the article. It was just a demonstration of behaviour that I personally find reprehensible. To dismiss someone based on the fact that they are different reminds me of schoolyard bullying... and I can't stomach it.

I do, however, agree with you that everyone is entitled to be with the partner of their choice. I just don't believe that you should reject a person just because they do something different to you. That's my opinion. It is neither right nor wrong. But I support the idea of an apology - does everyone remember the little girl who was bullied for having a Star Wars lunch box? Good.

But I heartily congratulate you on the ability to inspire a healthy debate over gender roles. Good work!

Well its certainly dificult for the bad date to stay apolitical when it unleashes so much misogyny. And despite Susan Arendt's belated appeal for knocking off that crap it just keeps on coming:

It'd be different if she wasn't such a fkn munter herself. It's almost like she has this list of traits that she needs in a man, but she's dating online because men who see her face to face, know her, and who 'tick all the boxes' are out of her league. Like that Carrie in Sex in the City with the face shaped like a pork chop - is that who she thinks she is!

Too many chick flicks have convinced too many average women that Hugh Grant or some other tosser is waiting for them. What is wrong with a honest bloke with a harmless hobby, moreover when you make $300,000 a year from it... it's ok Gawker, I'm sure Mr.Right is right around the corner, hitting on your better looking friends.

But of course it keeps on coming. The anger about Alyssa's article is driven by her daring to reject a man.

Consider if Alyssa was a male journalist and "he" wrote an article about a date with a woman who although she seemed pleasant enough and wasn't bad looking had the biggest doll collection in the world. Does she still play with dolls? Yes (Strike 1). How often? This coming weekend, all weekend (strike 2). Who does she hang out with? She met all of her friends through doll collecting activities (Strike 3). yada yada yada not going to date this woman and will google the hell out of the next one!

Could you imagine a shitstorm of abuse hitting such a journalist? Hardly. Doll enthusiasts know their hobby is not respected unless its very casual indeed. Hardcore doll collectors are creepy. Ok my analogy is imperfect. Not everyone shares my perspective of dolls being inherently creepy. Some sick bastards probably find it a turn-on. Brrrr!(whereas my foot fetish on the other hand is a perfectly reasonable turn on). Likewise with gaming, our hobby is not respected unless its casual. Otherwise, many, even most people find it creepy.

She could have been nasty about this. She could have called him a loser, living in moms basement at 40, small willy, socially inept, smelly, dirty, no dress sense - in other words she could have used a fraction of the vitriol directed at her.

Instead she called herself shallow for not getting over this and made a couple of mild jokes. Alyssa made NOT A SINGLE derogatory comment about Jon other than she was creeped out by his gaming.

 

[Slycne]

Instead she called herself shallow for not getting over this and made a couple of mild jokes. Alyssa made NOT A SINGLE derogatory comment about Jon other than she was creeped out by his gaming.

No she did, it's just been mostly edited out of the .com version. Here's most of what's been edited or omitted.

I actually think there's an interesting article to be had in this experience about what are the modern societal expectations of disclosure, but this really is simply unprofessional.

This is what happens, I thought, when you lie in your online profile. I was lured on a date thinking I?d met a normal finance guy, only to realise he was a champion dweeb in hedge funder?s clothing.

I later found out that he infiltrated his way into OKCupid dates with at least two other people I sort of know, including one of my co-workers. Mothers, warn your daughters! This could happen to you. You?ll think you?ve found a normal bearded guy with a job, only to end up sharing goat cheese with a world champion of nerds.

But if everyone stopped lying in their profiles, maybe there also wouldn?t be quite as many OKCupid horror stories to tell.

So what did I learn? Google the shit out of your next online date. Like, hardcore. Also, for all you world famous nerds out there: Don?t go after two Gawker Media employees and not expect to have a post written about you. We live for this kind of stuff.

http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2011/08/my-okcupid-affair-with-a-world-champion-magic-the-gathering-player

 

[LilithSlave]

I agree GunboatDiplomat, that people on the internet are too prone to using any excuse to saying misogynist things.

And no matter how stupid and typical "nerd suppression" of society at large this is, it doesn't excuse misogynist responses. On the other hand, the negative backlash is because of just that, people getting sick of stereotypical "nerd bashing" in 2011. People, nerds in particular, aren't going to allow for something like playing a card game that just happens to be about fantasy to tear down someone and shame and stigmatize them in front of the world anymore. This might have slid in 90s TV, but not on the 2011 internet.

 

[Yureina]

Narf

If you please, add me to that list as well. Twitter is @Yureina

 

[GunboatDiplomat]

Instead she called herself shallow for not getting over this and made a couple of mild jokes. Alyssa made NOT A SINGLE derogatory comment about Jon other than she was creeped out by his gaming.

No she did, it's just been mostly edited out of the .com version. Here's most of what's been edited or omitted.

I actually think there's an interesting article to be had in this experience about what are the modern societal expectations of disclosure, but this really is simply unprofessional.

This is what happens, I thought, when you lie in your online profile. I was lured on a date thinking I?d met a normal finance guy, only to realise he was a champion dweeb in hedge funder?s clothing.

I later found out that he infiltrated his way into OKCupid dates with at least two other people I sort of know, including one of my co-workers. Mothers, warn your daughters! This could happen to you. You?ll think you?ve found a normal bearded guy with a job, only to end up sharing goat cheese with a world champion of nerds.

But if everyone stopped lying in their profiles, maybe there also wouldn?t be quite as many OKCupid horror stories to tell.

So what did I learn? Google the shit out of your next online date. Like, hardcore. Also, for all you world famous nerds out there: Don?t go after two Gawker Media employees and not expect to have a post written about you. We live for this kind of stuff.

http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2011/08/my-okcupid-affair-with-a-world-champion-magic-the-gathering-player

I stand corrected, she did make a derogatory remark (dweeb) I doubt champion nerd is disputed bty anyone as an accurate description. Still pretty mild imo but thats not nice and should be considered unprofessional. What I think is MORE unprofessisonal is her attempting to cover up her original comments, which borders on being unethical.

Thanks for that, this makes more sense to me now, I stand by my general points about misogyny but I'll stop defending Alyssas article.

I'll also edit all more previous posts to make myself look better (kidding).

 

[Shifty Tortoise]

Alyssa... You silly *****

That about covers my thoughts on this, a man shouldn't be judged on his hobbies. Especially if he's the best in the frickin world at said hobby.

 

[Mr. 47]

At least he probably knows now that she's a mean shallow *****, and won't take it so hard! ^.^

It's a hobby. That makes him MONEY, and FAME, and she mocks him for it. Very, very foolish.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

while i feel bad for the guy that he was publicly humiliated, especially after the matter of fact, this is...not surprising behavior at all, yeah it's shallow and true, but this "level" of it happens all the time, quite honestly.

but still, good on you for bringing attention to it and spinning it.

 

[zarathustra2k1]

She's now a 'contributor' to the 'Park Slope Patch'.

Deservedly so, IMO...

 

[ckam]

Aw, that was a good message. I liked it.

 

[RaikuFA]

I agree GunboatDiplomat, that people on the internet are too prone to using any excuse to saying misogynist things.

And no matter how stupid and typical "nerd suppression" of society at large this is, it doesn't excuse misogynist responses. On the other hand, the negative backlash is because of just that, people getting sick of stereotypical "nerd bashing" in 2011. People, nerds in particular, aren't going to allow for something like playing a card game that just happens to be about fantasy to tear down someone and shame and stigmatize them in front of the world anymore. This might have slid in 90s TV, but not on the 2011 internet.

i dont need a excuse to be gynophobic. well i do have one but people call me an idiot for it

 

[Samurai Goomba]

Honestly though, is anyone surprised by this type of behaviour? I don't want to incite a flame war here but this isn't news to me... most women behave in this way, in my experience.

Consider if Alyssa was a male journalist and "he" wrote an article about a date with a woman who although she seemed pleasant enough and wasn't bad looking had the biggest doll collection in the world. Does she still play with dolls? Yes (Strike 1). How often? This coming weekend, all weekend (strike 2). Who does she hang out with? She met all of her friends through doll collecting activities (Strike 3). yada yada yada not going to date this woman and will google the hell out of the next one!

Wouldn't happen. Certainly wouldn't be posted on the internet with names intact.

Keeping the insult train rolling against women, I see. "In your experience" doesn't excuse your allegation that you believe "most" women act like a "morally bankrupt" individual who slanders others and apparently is so awful as to require a public apology from people who perceive themselves as the "good" women.

Also, YES IT WOULD. AND IT HAS. There's a whole internet blog series about a guy who has sexual encounters with women, describes them in great detail and often gives gross and disgusting accounts of ways these encounters go wrong. Also he comes off as somebody who sees women as objects to have sex with. I can't remember the name of the guy or articles, and I can't describe the sorts of situations in the articles without breaking the decency rules here, but he ABSOLUTELY writes about bad dates with women (and much more than the "date" part) and often paints them in a negative light.

I THINK this is the guy, but I'm not sure. There are probably more like him. Don't read the articles unless you want to be disgusted.

http://www.tuckermax.com/stories/