Anyone got any funny D&D stories?

[targren]

I've got a player who reads too many crappy books by crappy writers, playing a bog-standard Dwarven Axe-Fighter. (Note: We have a house rule that combines "Open Lock" and "Disable Device" into one skill so as not to gimp rogues beyond level like...4. The logic being that a lock is a device, and a disabled lock is open).

Rogue: Ah, crap. Rolled a 1 on my disable device check
DM (me): /rolls. "Ouch. Take the MW tools off your sheet."
Rogue: /scratches them off. "You suck."
Fighter: "I'm going to try to break the door down."
DM: With your axe?
Fighter: Screw that. With my fists. I yell my battle cry and hit the door.
DM: Roll it.
Fighter: /rolls. "Uh... I don't think a 2 is going to make it."
DM: Not quite.
Fighter: I'll do it again. I didn't yell loud enough.
(Repeat four times, with the last time being a head-butt instead of a punch).
DM: Roll fortitude to see if you knocked your dumb ass out. (he passes)
Fighter: I'm going to do it again.
DM: As you're lining up your charge, the rogue taps you on the shoulder and points out that all the noise you've been making has brought two patrols of goblins. The party is flanked.
All: (to me) "You suck!"

 

[gostchiken]

Cleric: "You killed an old man for his boat!?"
Barbarian: "It was Barbarian assisted suicide! and we couldn't afford a boat."

 

[Mr. In-between]

One time my old group and I were fighting a half-elf named John the Baptist. John the Baptist was standing at the top of a flight of stairs using a magic missile wand against us. I did a called shot for the head, hit, and John the Baptist hit each stair on the way down for a combined total of 367 damage.

Why and how? Because every single stair was booby trapped.

 

[sjarri]

-snip-

 

[StBishop]

Player 1: "I'm doing a trap check here." /roll
DM: "You uncover a hidden spike trap in the floor right in front of you."
Player 2: "I push player 1 into the hole."
Player 1: "NO YOU FUCKING DON'T"
DM: "Okay, player 1 got pushed into the trap."
Player 1: "What the- seriously?!"
DM: /rolls "Oh my."


Player 2 now grins like an idiot and player 1 starts raging.

These situations are always covered by rolls in our party, they happen too often.

I started rolling human fighters with feats that increased by saves and defences as much as possible. Monks who were really good at grappling were also decent in these scenarios.

 

[StBishop]

In my game, we've got this guy who is incapable of keeping his mouth shut. He plays a lawful good cleric in a party of chaotic or neutral characters, so that's annoying enough, but he likes yelling a lot. As in, every single time he takes a swing, he'll come out with some long-winded and dramatic speech denouncing their ways and shouting about how awesome he is. This isn't every fight, it's every damn turn, and some of them are long. This got really old really fast, so the DM decided to put hints in the game that he could maybe tone it down a bit...

The first time included placing archers out of sight. When our paladin raised his sword to yell at the bandits they were fighting, both promptly shot him, knocking him down to zero hit points and taking him out for the rest of the fight.

The second time, since he didn't learn a thing the first time, we were in a dungeon that was pitch dark, and we could hear something moving. Enter paladin. He started screeching about 'vile fiends' and telling them to 'come and face me with honour' at which point he was immediately blindsided by something we couldn't see. The rest of us worked out quite quickly that the monsters were big cats that tracked us by sound, so while we kept our mouths shut and never got hit (apart from the cleric, who clanked a lot) he kept on yelling and ended up at zero hit points again. We call them the STFU Cats now.

I guess we'll find out next session whether or not he learned his lesson.

Rules wise, he's only allowed to say 6 seconds worth of dialogue per round.

Maybe this needs to be incorporated more fully.

 

[Dark1Elder]

Well the first time i played D&D i was a druid, and my party was in town trying to find information, and well long story short ended up ***** slapping a high level arch-mage at level 1.
also my animal companion was pretty much useless, always trying to bite rock creatures. and our rogue, every, and i mean EVERY trap that would go off ALWAYS went straight at him, no matter where he was.

 

[Harkonnen64]

Player 1: "I'm doing a trap check here." /roll
DM: "You uncover a hidden spike trap in the floor right in front of you."
Player 2: "I push player 1 into the hole."
Player 1: "NO YOU FUCKING DON'T"
DM: "Okay, player 1 got pushed into the trap."
Player 1: "What the- seriously?!"
DM: /rolls "Oh my."


Player 2 now grins like an idiot and player 1 starts raging.

Lol, that reminds me of a game I ran once.

Me(DM): The floor of the next room is filled with water. The water is so still, it's like a mirror.
Brandon(wizard): So how deep is the water?
Me: As I said, it's extremely reflective and still, so you can't tell.
Brandon: I push Noah in.
Noah(rogue): WTF man!
Me: Roll.
Brandon: *roll* 19.
Me: You push Noah in, make a fortitude save.
Noah: This is fucking bullshit!
Me: Just roll.
Noah: *roll* Natural 20!
Me: You successfully hold your breath and avoid drowning in the inch of water.
Noah: I fucking hate all of you...

Also I've run a couple of "any alignment" campaigns, so naturally the first thing that happens is one player wants to make an assassin. For fun, I like to make my assassins' guild masters to be eccentric and never give a straight answer to any question. Twice my players have gotten so aggravated while trying to proposition the guild masters into giving them membership that they attacked and crit them in the neck with a dagger, impressing them so much that they instantly grant them membership. To discourage further assassins in my games, I have made it a house rule that the ONLY way to join the assassins' guild is to critically stab the guild master in the neck. My players are surprisingly okay with this.

 

[Gamblerjoe]

Having played Dungeons & Dragons could be considered funny in itself, albeit in a slightly embarrassing, virgin-ey way.

Im not sure I take your meaning, sir. I for one had sex before I ever played DnD. Everyone I play DnD with has a family and a career, are students in a serious relationship with very attractive women, or at very least play the field with a decent amount of success. But I digress...

...

So heres another funny story my buddy reminded me of. This is probably the best one I have.

Im DMing and the party makes it to the boss fight: a mind flayer sorcerer. He casts deep slumber on the party and the wizard falls asleep. My friend who was playing the wizard, who tends to fall asleep in random places like a cat, puts his head down and nods off. The battle rages on, and it turns out to be a prolonged battle, with an invisible flying spell caster with tons of magic defenses. Eventually the sleep spell wears off. On his turn, without being roused at all, he lifts his head, rubs his eyes, and is informed that his character just woke up as well.

 

[doomspore98]

one time, my friend decided to make an all orc character, who didn't have any armor but a loincloth. The reason was because he had replaced his arms with triple headed flails. He had a 4 intelligence and a 22 strength at level 1. The kicker was when he decided to jump into a river to save a drowning guardsmen, but since he had no arms he drowned. Meanwhile me and my party were fighting a drake rider and all got our faces eaten off. It was not my best dnd experience. But it was hysterical

 

[kikon9]

I don't have any funny ones, but I do have one that a friend told me about:

The party were going to attack a camp of enemies (Can't remember what they were exactly). Just before everyone goes rushing in, my friend (A wizard) decides that he will instead light his horse on fire, and aim it at the enemy camp. The horse lit up all the tents in the camp and killed half the enemies.

 

[MixedWithMadness]

well i can till you the story of how my dnd group got its name.

Me(a wizard), a barb, a cleric and a rouge walks into a crypt underground a house, we walk carefully through a small hall and after some halarius traps and natrual 1's on healing (more like pushing is into the spikes...) we push forward. We then se a strange zombie/mutant "thing" walking towards us with a chain and ball on its foot and we get ready for battle, one second later 3 paper thing saw blades swing out from the walls and cut the "thing" into a bloody mess. We smash the blades that are stuck in the "thing", The barb thinks the ball and chains looks cool and fun so he takes it along on his back. Later we find a great hall with 7 zombies rushing towards us. The barb get a bright idé, lets play bowling! he screams "HEY HO!" and rolls the ball with all his might, i, that stands infront of him, se this and thinks "hey, i have a shocking grasp ready" i make the spell, touch the ball and it slams though 5 of the zombies leaving a big mess and knocking down 2 of them in a big, ligthingy, bloody mess.

AND from that day, we where named "Electric Zombie Bowling" ^^
(im not sure if this is "correct" or "done properly" but our gm thought it was so badass that he allowed it)

 

[Fightgarr]

I have plenty of funny D&D stories, but I'm afraid they're much less funny when you aren't part of the D&D group. The thing I find about jokes regarding the game, is that it generates so many in-jokes simply through play, that to tell someone outside your group about that story loses much of the humor. Not because what happened isn't really funny, but because the context in which it is funny is so extensive.

I suppose I shouldn't just come in and not drop off any anecdotes, though. That would be rather obnoxious. Allow me to tell you the tale the Chryling tradition:
I've been running the same campaign for nearly 3 years, now. 3 of the original players still play with us, and three have come and gone and we are currently sitting steady with our party of 5 for about a year now. We play a module of 3.X created by me which is meant to allow characters to build their characters without many class restrictions, is meant to give a more freeform playstyle to magic and is meant to make it far, far more difficult to advance your characters. While the game started out with only Humans as a playable race, I've slowly introduced 4 more races. A year or so ago, when I introduced two of those races (one of them, a small forest-dwelling species called Chrylings) we also acquired a new player, who decided to be the first to play a character from that race. The player was with the party on and off for a few months, over the course of which the Chryling was established as a little bit touched in the head. The player who played that Chryling left our group, and in another tradition of my campaign, his character was brutally murdered the session after the player left. At the same time, one of our current group members joined the campaign, choosing to play a Chryling as well. Now this player is particularly good at playing very slimy, untrustworthy characters, and this was one in that tradition. Since then it has become a very regular occurrence for his characters to die horrible deaths. After every death, he resolves that this next Chryling will the one that survives. Shortly after, it will die. Now because of the precedent set by the first Chryling in the party, and the slimy way of playing Chryling's our current player has, the rest of the party has now decided (partially RP and partially out of forgetfulness) that their characters can no longer discern which Chryling they are currently traveling with, oft times calling them the wrong name, be it out of forgetfulness, or because their character actually believes that they are still traveling with the same slimeball, lying Chryling that died a couple characters ago. The characters have died so frequently that I've actually had to come up with a canonical reason why the fates kill any Chryling that joins the party.

Note: I do not kill these characters purposefully, it is almost always an act of pure terrible luck, or blind stupidity on the players' part that kills them.

 

[cthulhuspawn82]

There was the time that I "supposedly" asked a guard where the thieves guild was located.

Some background, I was young (junior high) and this was one of my first D&D games. I was playing a thief and I thought all thieves had a special way of knowing where the thieves guild in a town was located. The conversation went like this.

DM: What are you all doing in town?

Me: Where is the thieves guild?

DM: I don't know, why don't you ask that guard.

Me: (thinking that was a joke) Where is the thieves guild?

DM: The guard says "Right this way sir."

Me: But I didn't ask him.

DM: Yes you did.

The guards then arrest me until the party shows up and informs them that I am not a thief, just stupid. Then they let me go.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Official D&D:

-
DM: ...You teleport into a room full of treasure...
Everyone: YESSS!! *fispump*
DM: ...So full that there's no air.
Everyone: ...*various "dammit"s and "FUUUUUUU!!!"s*
-

DM: Suddenly, an orc and 6 goblins burst into the clearing!
Me: ...I got this! FIREBALL ON THE ORC!
DM: ...............you kill all the goblins. But the forest catches on fire.
Other player: ......Dammit, Aegix!
Me: ...I thought we were in a clearing!! Aren't we far enough away from the trees?!
DM: ...Didn't I mention that the forest is overgrown and you can barely see the sky due to the leaves?
Me: ...Oh riiiiiiight....

Fortunately, my buddy was half celestial, and flew us both out.
-

*at my birthday, with most of my friends playing*
DM: ...The Orc attacks Marc!
Marc: ...WHAT THE HELL! You've only been making the enemies attack ME this whole time!
DM: ...umm...This tribe of orcs in this mine are racist against elves!
Marc: BUT I'M ONLY A HALF ELF! *points at another friend* THIS GUY IS A FULL ELF!!
DM: ...He attacks you anyway.

-

It's also worth noting that this is the DM that forced my character into a marriage with a Succubus, who was the daughter of a king that hated my guts. I'm pretty sure he did this to bug me, since at the time I was SUPER SUPER prudish and Catholic and got esaily worked up (I'm not like that anymore, thank goodness). I eventually acknowledged it, and made my already unbalanced Mage into a lunatic who loved to burn things. Hence my addiction for fireballs and explosive runes. The latter of which I cast on a bunch of coins and stuffed into a guy's face one time. >: P
-

===
Unofficial D&D (my friend Marc, from one of the above stories was the DM here)

We made our own rules, and characters and abilities. I was controlling a team of about 7-ish characters, since it was just the two of us. Oh, and he made up most of the story on the fly, and aside from a lot of references to anime and games he'd seen/played, it was pretty freakin good.

-
DM: Ok, you reach this cavernous room at the center of the ruins. The boss opens its eyes, and you see it is a giant spider!
Me: ...How big are we talking?
DM: ...See that D6? that's you. The spider is as big as me.
Me: .........I attack the bigass spider!
*and from that moment on, the boss was known as "the bigass spider" *

-
*in the underworld, which I had tried using as a shortcut to get back to an ally in trouble*
*context*: Team A somehow got inside a dragon...FROM THE REAR END and was fighting in its mouth.
DM: TEAM B comes into the chambers of the guy who's been stalking you the whole time you were in here (a vampire).
*cue fight*
DM: The vampire then transforms into a Dragon!
*cue fight, eventually, Team A injures the dragon they're inside of so badly that it opens its jaw wide so that they can see Team B, thus showing that we're both fighting the same dragon.*
Me: ..WAIT A SECOND! They were inside the dragon LONG before the guy turned into one!! How the hell does that make sense?!
DM: ...Uh....Umm.......DAMMIT! ...fine. Your whole team gets a free level for being so damn smart.

-
DM: A minion flings a snowball, which rolls down the hill at you, getting bigger and bigger!
Me: I need to finish this boss fight (against 2 guys) fast, then.
*3 turns later*
DM: The snowball is now massive, and is about to hit your party!
ME: ...Wait a minute...we're fighting on a cliff, right?
DM: ....Yeeeah?
ME: I activate *skill that lets me counter projectiles and magic and stuff*. I have the character (who's really strong BTW), counter the snowball, and return it to The physical fighter of the boss team, and thus knock him off the cliff! *rolls for success, and gets an 18*
DM: ...........Holy crap. ...The boss, so shocked at what just happened that he literally just stands there, gets hit by the snowball and falls off the cliff. Good job.
-

I'd give more, but this was YEARS AND YEARS ago, so I'm kinda fuzzy on these.

 

[Gamblerjoe]

Wow, I hate to take the jam out of anyone's doughnut, but far too many of these stories involve the DM not having a clue how the rules to DnD work.

Iv seen some stuff like this in my day. When it happens I just walk away from the game. I saw a DM who refused to use a battle map. He liked to sneak attack characters constantly.

DM: a rogue pops out of the bush and sneak attacks you!
Player: what bush?
DM: the bush you are standing next to.
Player: Im not standing next to a bush!
DM: yes you are. Im the DM and I say you're standing next to a bush.

I had another DM who liked to make up rules on the fly. He would miss someone's AC by one then immediately give the monster a +1 weapon so that he hits. That same DM decided on the spot that you can no longer d-door with your party members, because he wanted to kill my cohort and I was about to save him. Another time, he refused to give a player a +4 to his will save against charm person because he insisted that the player didnt consider the beholder in the dungeon we were storming to be hostile.

Here are some tips:

if you want to break an item, it gets a fort save.

if a player attacks or steals from another player, a bridge falls from the sky, and they are told they are no longer welcome in my DnD game.

there are these handy skills called spot and listen (or perception of youre playing pathfinder)

dont kill or maim players without giving them a save.

...

sorry this isnt a funny post. I did post some pretty funny stuff though. Hopefully that makes up for it. I just really cant abide someone DMing who doesnt know the basic rules of the game. A lot of DMs cry "Rule 0!" but there is a big difference between adjudication and being too lazy to learn the rules.

 

[Gamblerjoe]

Oh yeah, naming stuff. That's always a hoot. I think we've all seen tons of nameless characters earn their monikers on the fly. I remember the pale master's skeleton minion "skully." In another game the party was sailing away from dreadhold, an island prison, and their ship got lit up with arcane ballista bolts and was sinking. they got saved by a dread pirate, while the ship they could have cared less about got speed-plundered by the crew. they chose to befriend the dread pirate who turned out to be chaotic good and an enemy of an enemy. He went on to be refered to as "DP" or "D to the P."

One guy named his PC "Jalapeno Peppers." This ended up spawning a whole family of characters who tend to be swarthy types. My other buddy make "Chilli Peppers" who was a rog/swa/duelist daring outlaw type. Eventually the "Peppers Family" became more of a figurative term, kind of like a chaotic good mob family, after some non-human ones got made. My contribution was a halfling duelist named "Cayenne Peppers."

Oh! I remember when Rilgar the human ranger fought Relgor the bugbear barbarian. total coincidence. the player rolled his character at level 1, and the battle happened at level 3. The bugbear was from a module I got online.

Theres one that got made into a custom munchkin card. He was a mystic theurge DMPC named Marko. the name of the card was "Marko! Fireball those bastards!" because thats what we would always say to him.

If there was ever an MMO that had a dervish class, I would name mine Slashdance.

Some DDO names Iv come up with are: Tinnn Wizzy the warforged wizard (you're probably too young to get the reference). Murdertrain A'Comin the warforged barbarian. Ronzette Ojen Etals the male drow rogue (get it? get it? think about it!) Noghud Namesleft the elf bow ranger (that only makes sense in context. At the time bow rangers were considered totally gimped, so when the character joins your party you just see the first name Noghud [the closest thing I could get to Nogood] and that she is a ranger. then you see the actual character and see the first and last name over her head.) Then theres the Drow cleric "Drrokso The Rock'n'roll Drow" and his guild . My buddy made the best name of all. A drow rogue named "Chickenbone Shiv." He also named his barbarian "Cleavon" which I though was pretty clever. He named his cleric "Macedturkey Tastes Stingy" which pretty much just boggled everyone. Awesome. I made a sorcerer named "Radstone Mage" which is a spoonerism of Madstone Rage, something specific to the game. Some honorable mentions include Szass Blammymatazz, Cashmoney Hundredaire, Opposites Werewolves, and Manhattan Sidewinder.

A lot of those referenced are from Metalocalypse.

 

[docSpitfire]

A friend of mine related a story to me of one of his adventures.

DM: You enter the room and see a gazebo sitting in the center.
Player: Does it notice us?
DM: No...it's a gazebo.
Player: I walk up a bit closer. Does it notice me?
DM: No, it's a gazebo.
Player: I move up next to it. Does it notice me?
DM: No, it's a ****ing gazebo!
Player: I stab it with my sword, does it notice me?
DM: *facepalm* Yes, it notices you. The Great Gazebo Gods bring it to life and it crushes you. Roll a level one character.

Either this is a well known story or you know my DM cuz thats pretty much what he told me happened to a friend of his.

This is a very popular internet story.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_and_the_Gazebo

so popular in fact it is the origin of the Gazebo enemy in Munchkin that gamblerjoe mentioned.

and this url is for the full story including the "but that was a +3 arrow" line that both you left out of yours versions
http://www.dndadventure.com/html/articles/gaming_stories.html

as for a story of my own, our group had gotten ambushed by an invisible attacker, I realize now we were playing the invisibility rules slightly wrong now but didn't know that at the time, nor would it have had a significant effect on the outcome other than I would probably have killed the thing before this happened.

Anyway, ninja reduces me to negative and I bleed out until I'm at -7 or so, group member zaps me with clw wand and rolls max health so I'm up with +2hp and it's my turn and I have no idea where the ninja is... "oooooh eff that, i'm getting out of here... I run away down the street yelling for guards!"
...
...
...
(I move my mini one square on the map in the direction I'm fleeing)
"You provoke an attack of opportunity you take 10 damage..." (those playing along at home that puts me at -8) fortunately with the clw wand they only needed one more round to kill the enemy and they wanded me at -9 to stabilize.

 

[DOOMGUY '93]

I was playing and we had three rich guys (2 npcs, 1 player) who were the biggest A-holes this side of jupiter, and me and my mates pissed this wizard off who cast some spell or another that no lie made the tree richies a human centipede. and all that was left was a Spike armor clad warrior/engineer smartass (me) a archatect/wizard with an ego, and a rogue, all staring at a rich people centipede.

 

[Amondren]

I have a few.

The party sorcerer being the genius he is walked into a room filled with potions and drank them all then soon after died due to the potions. The DM was kind and let him come back to life, when he did he drank 1 because he though it was all the conflicting potions that killed him...he stayed dead.

Again the sorcerer takes a sock and makes it into a sock puppet due to his high bluff and the parties low sense motive score we ended up believing him when he said "This is Tyrone he knows everything in the world" I ended up flying off with it to put it on a roof never to be seen again.

Our Cleric being the shining example of what it means to be a support class suddenly left during a dungeon to go knit...I'm not talking about real life I'm talking about in game.

Again with the cleric, she thought that this pendulum she had IRL was magic and told her what she should do when we dangled it and said yes or no depending on how it moved while she held it mid-air. she thought "HEY THIS WILL WORK IN GAME" it didn't she tried to make it and the DM told her "This pendulum is not magic and never will be." she still followed it's advice (She's kicked out now so I'm glad about that.)