'Be a man'!

[Naheal]

I don't cry anymore. I devote that energy to more useful endeavors.

We shall see. I will melt your heart yet!

Perhaps. We shall see. You done cleaning up there, by the way?

 

[Anarchemitis]

Like many things in life, such a term to be taken seriously or scherzo is entirely contextual.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

I don't agree with it first of all on feminist grounds. "Be a man" is one of the most sexist statements I hear in common use. Not only does it imply that being a non-man, ie. female, is something that makes one emotional and unstable, it also shoehorns all men everywhere into an emotional iron maiden. The idea that "a man" is stoic and relatively emotionless causes all kinds of untold damage due to repressed issues that need to be dealt with. Let me take rural Australia for example. There's been a drought here for the past decade or so. Out in rural areas that takes its toll. Men who ascribe to the Stoic and Manly ideal find it difficult to seek help for the problems, such as depression, that arise out of having a failing farm when it's been in the family for generations. Stereotype, but you get the idea. The suicide rate in those areas and in this situation shoots right up.

The other reason it irks me is because it demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding about mental illness. I differentiate here between medical depression and "I'm down, need someone to talk to." While the latter is valid as a request, the former runs far deeper. For someone with depression it is impossible to "be a man" and cheer up because of chemical imbalances and other physiological factors upon which no amount of stoicism can have an effect. Stephen Fry related an anecdote during an interview about a fellow bi-polar man in the depressive swing of his illness. This guy had walked in front of a truck and wound up spending six months having the bones in his legs re-broken and re-set repeatedly in an effort to enable him to walk again. The guy said that while yes, the pain of having his legs mended was truly terrible, "it was nothing compared to the pain that made me step onto the highway."

Manic depressives do have the manic part of that cycle to reassure them. It will get better for them because that's a part of their illness. People with depression don't, and it's not fair to burden them with masculinity crap atop everything else. It won't make them better, it could well make them worse. The most likely result is that they just stop talking about their troubles.

You saved me the trouble of typing my response. I couldn't have said it better.

 

[SinisterGehe]

Its right.

Stop crying and man up, god damn it.

So to be a man you need to ignore you feelings?
Sorry, but if thats what you think it is poor way to think and you are enforcing male position as a brutish and abusive.

"Be a man" is stupid thing to say, it is like saying "Only red apples are apples". It is trying to say that there is only one way to be a man, that you need to be something specific.
Saying "be a man" to a depressed man is bad thing and should be avoided. This can damage hes feelings even more and make him question hes behavior and self value. In worst case questioning you self worth too much can lead to suicide.q

 

[Magicman10893]

I don't agree with it first of all on feminist grounds. "Be a man" is one of the most sexist statements I hear in common use. Not only does it imply that being a non-man, ie. female, is something that makes one emotional and unstable, it also shoehorns all men everywhere into an emotional iron maiden. The idea that "a man" is stoic and relatively emotionless causes all kinds of untold damage due to repressed issues that need to be dealt with. Let me take rural Australia for example. There's been a drought here for the past decade or so. Out in rural areas that takes its toll. Men who ascribe to the Stoic and Manly ideal find it difficult to seek help for the problems, such as depression, that arise out of having a failing farm when it's been in the family for generations. Stereotype, but you get the idea. The suicide rate in those areas and in this situation shoots right up.

The other reason it irks me is because it demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding about mental illness. I differentiate here between medical depression and "I'm down, need someone to talk to." While the latter is valid as a request, the former runs far deeper. For someone with depression it is impossible to "be a man" and cheer up because of chemical imbalances and other physiological factors upon which no amount of stoicism can have an effect. Stephen Fry related an anecdote during an interview about a fellow bi-polar man in the depressive swing of his illness. This guy had walked in front of a truck and wound up spending six months having the bones in his legs re-broken and re-set repeatedly in an effort to enable him to walk again. The guy said that while yes, the pain of having his legs mended was truly terrible, "it was nothing compared to the pain that made me step onto the highway."

Manic depressives do have the manic part of that cycle to reassure them. It will get better for them because that's a part of their illness. People with depression don't, and it's not fair to burden them with masculinity crap atop everything else. It won't make them better, it could well make them worse. The most likely result is that they just stop talking about their troubles.

But being emotionless and stoic is great! I went through a fit of depression and had suicidal thoughts to prevent the pain from my imminent and unavoidable bad heart condition/disease and prevent the stress and emotional trauma to those around me (especially the ones that would have to take care of me like I have to for my dad), but after literally telling myself to "Be a man" I've never even given a second glance to sad or bad news. "Grandma's dead? Grandpa killed her? We're filing for bankruptcy? Mom has cancer? Dad's being rushed to the hospital?" All this in the last year and not one tear. The only tears in my eyes anymore are my eyes watering from pulling a nose hair, yawning or vomiting.

Being a cold, emotionless prick is great! Girl turns you down for a douche bag? No problem. Get into a car accident that leaves your arm scarred to hell and back and results in a completely ruined summer and months of pain and surgery? No big deal. The whole car ride to the hospital consisted of making jokes about what I was going to do when I got into the waiting room. And then actually pulling those jokes while I waited for the incompetent doctors at the city hospital to wheel me into the emergency room.

Hell, being emotionally numb has also started to make me physically numb! I had a cigar put out on my arm and didn't feel a thing or have any reaction what so ever. And then I put out another one on the other arm to beat my friend in a manliness contest!

 

[6SteW6]

There have being a few threads reactly about men being sad and depressed, which have being met with the crys of 'be a man and grow a pair', which persnaly think is one of the most stupid things to say to a depressed person.

But what do you think about the 'be a man' saying? Is it right or is it wrong?

I think it's pretty healthy for a grown man to cry. I was raised in a household where I was taught crying is for wimps and I have become borderline Sociopathic in my emotions. I simply cannot cry anymore, if someone close to me dies or I am genuinly upset over something I either make a joke about it or I just become numb to it and don't react at all.

I am never angry or sad and I am sure that is way more unhealthy than someone weeping over burnt brownies. I am sure one day my wife will come in and I will be having a mental breakdown because I lost the remote control and she will find it. In the postman.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

I hate that phrase. Should men be lobotomized so they no longer have feelings other than hunger and horniness? Should males have their tear ducts soldered shut at birth so they can no longer cry?

 

[Ascarus]

Of course this is no excuse for blubbing at a wimpy film ...

bite me. i have teared up at a film or two and i am not ashamed of that. for example if you feel nothing while watching wall-e i assert that you are a cold, dispassionate robot.

 

[Ace of Spades]

When I'm told to 'man up' it's because multiple sources of stress are compounding and starting to affect me. And if I try to talk about it, then I'm told to stop being 'whiny'. Essentially they're telling me that I should either repress my emotions and be either stoic or falsely cheerful even when in emotional turmoil, or that I should simply not be affected by stress, and complete all of my duties with rigid professionalism and not burden others with my problems. And then people would tell me that I need to lighten up and stop being so stiff and emotionally jaded. So in conclusion, you just can't win when it comes to people. Be who you are. Deal with stress and problems however you need to to keep yourself healthy. Unless you suffer from clinical depression. In which case, I'm not equipped to comment on that.

 

[6unn3r]

Of course this is no excuse for blubbing at a wimpy film ...

bite me. i have teared up at a film or two and i am not ashamed of that. for example if you feel nothing while watching wall-e i assert that you are a cold, dispassionate robot.

I had to actually go back through this entire thread to find what id posted (several months ago iirc) and point out that you should probably quote my post more accurately before asserting things.

Last time i checked men can cry. Yes belive it or not its true we do have tear ducts and feelings! Of course this is no excuse for blubbing at a wimpy film or crying because you lost in the cup final...i cried the day my daughter was born and im not ashamed to admit that.

 

[HardkorSB]

There have being a few threads reactly about men being sad and depressed, which have being met with the crys of 'be a man and grow a pair', which persnaly think is one of the most stupid things to say to a depressed person.

But what do you think about the 'be a man' saying? Is it right or is it wrong?

In my opinion, it's like this:

Be a man = take shit from others and don't complain

 

[Togs]

As has been reiterated time and time again in this thread sitting around moaning and feeling sorry yourself is not healthy- when people say "be a man" they mean show some backbone and act like an adult.
And yes it is unfortunate that the phrase is "be a man" but saying thats sexist is ridiculous- its turn of phrase left over from old gender stereotypes- it in no way excludes women or children or any other poor put upon minority.
Saying "it isnt very nice to say" is true but sometimes tough love is necessary- getting het up about it just further demonstrates how apt a piece of advice it is.
And another thing that really gets my goat is constantly whinging to your friends and family how miserable you are is pathetic and more then a little selfish- they're there to be relied on but you shouldnt take the piss by constantly unloading your problems on to them- take responsibility for your own life and your own problems- its fundamental part of growing up.

 

[winginson]

If its actual depression I won't say it.

If they are just being a bit mopey then I will as a joke or a "Worse things are happening to me right now and I'm not being annoying about it. Shut up."

Although my definition of serious problems are different to other people as I actually do not feel strong emotions.

 

[Powereaver]

its totally wrong.. all men are different therefore there is no such thing as a "man" this "man" they speak of has no emotions and is tough and can eat steel and stuff.. its an utter pile of steaming crap imo