Being cheated on

[remnant_phoenix]

So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I'm glad that he confessed. It will hopefully make this a lot easier to get through emotionally for you.

I spent a year in a relationship with a person who cheated on me a lot. Only two occasions I actually found out about while we were dating, and those came to my attention because the two guys (friends of mine) came clean with me out of respect for me, respect that she obviously didn't have. And I stayed with her because I thought that we had "true love" and that she was "the one."

It was only after our relationship was over that I found out about all the other things that she did. The whole relationship ordeal left me emotionally scarred and stunted for a long while and I'm still not completely alright in the head because of it.

I just realized that this reply may have sounded like me trying to "one-up" you, but I promise that's not the case. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel for you. Being cheated on sucks worse than anything else I've experienced in my life, physical pains included, and I hope that you're able to get through it in a better state than I did.

And since I'm not afraid to hug strangers, (hugs). Unless you're made uneasy by touchy-feely expressions of solidarity, in which case, (subtle head nod).

 

[DanielBrown]

Hm, haven't ever been cheated on(never been in a relationship long enough for it to happen), but I've been "the other guy" many, many times.
I regret every time, but when I was younger it was kind of my hobby to go after taken girls...

 

[Relish in Chaos]

If cheaters really love their partners, they wouldn?t have cheated on them in the first place. Simple as. And staying in a relationship with them might give them the wrong impression that they can do it again without consequences.

There?s something called self-control. Man up and pick someone. If you love both of them, then tough shit. You can't have everything.

 

[loc978]

Thankfully, I'm not looking for a long-haul relationship, and I doubt I ever will. in the past 13 years since I started being sexually active, I've had one woman try to "be my girlfriend", and a whole bunch of friends with benefits. Infidelity is kind of my way of life, I suppose. I make sure any woman who has mutual interest in me knows that the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

 

[Qmonster]

I did the "I forgive you because I'm so nice and understanding" thing once, and I really don't think it was the right idea. Now, that doesn't mean there is no possibility of a relationship recovering after someone cheats, but I think it's pretty slim. In my own experience, everything about the relationship after that point was tainted.

 

[ElPatron]

Can't really decide what I would do in the OP's situation because I have never been cheated on. Just a severe broke of trust that I still haven't forgiven. Now I feel bad for remembering it.


Anyway, the dude will probably do it again. If infidelity is a big deal to you (I suppose it is) then you should consider it a deal-breaker and balance your options immediately.

For the love of everything don't pretend everything is fine. He might have been an ass but it takes a really cold heart to pretend that it isn't a big deal and that "you rather think about it".

Just explain what you are going trough, and end it quickly afterwards. No point in dragging it out, no point in keeping him oblivious.

I had a girlfriend cheat on me with 2 guys at once. While she was sober.

While drunk? Complete nightmare. Sober? That's "pull gun in mouth depressing" and the prescription is playing God of War until your fingers bleed.

Had a few girls cheat on their boyfriends with me because as far as I'm concerned no one's twisting their arm, if they choose to cheat on their boyfriend they're the ones breaking someone's trust, not me.

I like that. To me the best option is "don't ask don't tell".

 

[ElPatron]

I like that. To me the best option is "don't ask don't tell".

It did get weird this one time when a girl kept telling me how much like her boyfriend I was. I was tempted to say "You do know that's not an excuse, right?"[/quote]

Girls cheat a lot while they are deployed in the army. 4chan even had the meme "SHE IS GOING TO FUCK A LOT OF DUDES".

Some of them actually convinced themselves that being thousands of miles away isn't considered cheating...

Nah, you're just encouraging them to.

Passive encouragement is still encouragement, but does that mean that every man should sue Orlando Bloom for giving their girlfriends a standard on what to look for in a man?

They were going to cheat anyway. Just saying.

 

[Irridium]

Been cheated on once. Got insanely pissed, hatched a plan to humiliate the girl, succeed.

On one hand, in hindsight it was a bit much, but on the other hand, she was a cruel, manipulative, goddamn horrible person, so I don't feel much regret.

What would I do if I was cheated on again? I don't know. I'd like to say I'd just up and dump the person, but that's what I thought I would do the first time, too. I just don't know.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

I always thought that, if you were going to be in an actual relationship with someone beyond mere sex, it would be hard to become emotionally invested in them if you're basically sharing it between a bunch of other people, making none of them particularly special.

And I mean, I couldn't blame anyone for feeling unnerved if they found out they were just their partner's "bit on the side" or just another plaything. I mean, it works for casual sex, but not for mature relationships.

I don't want to be "that guy", but after a while, if you're just moving from one girl to the next without any real connection beyond genitalia-juggling, you'd start to get bored, wouldn't you?

 

[game-lover]

My life has been affected by infidelity on all sides.

As a result, I have a very evil, vengeful and usually unforgivable view on the whole deal. Not just those who cheat on their significant others. But to those who play the other man/woman.

I'm sure cheating is forgivable. I'm just not sure I could do it. I get so angry and upset at the thought of it that sometimes I come close to angry tears. Just... it drives me insane. Part of me is afraid of being cheated on. I don't know how I'd react but I believe I'd probably go nuts if I found out.

Matter of fact, reading some things here just on this thread piss me off so much. It's probably only restraint that's keeping me from turning this into a flame war. Because oh the murderous fires that burn in my soul.

Yeah... I have issues.

 

[Berithil]

Never cheated, never been cheated on. Of course that very well might be due to...

Spoiler

Nah, I don't really care. Never been interested in the emotional rollercoaster that is the relationship. But, who knows, maybe that will change someday.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owned by another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

I always thought that, if you were going to be in an actual relationship with someone beyond mere sex, it would be hard to become emotionally invested in them if you're basically sharing it between a bunch of other people, making none of them particularly special.

And I mean, I couldn't blame anyone for feeling unnerved if they found out they were just their partner's "bit on the side" or just another plaything. I mean, it works for casual sex, but not for mature relationships.

I don't want to be "that guy", but after a while, if you're just moving from one girl to the next without any real connection beyond genitalia-juggling, you'd start to get bored, wouldn't you?

I suppose I'm just incapable of seeing that point of view. I become emotionally invested in plenty of people. I say unhesitatingly and without reservation that I love my friends and family... but sex is not part of love, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's about as emotional as a game of ping-pong.

The bits where you throw around terms such as "mature relationships" and "real connection" as though any relationship worth the name has to involve romance and possible sex shows that you and I could never see eye-to-eye on this matter. I would see you as brainwashed, you would see me as either an alien or a liar.

Suffice to say, our culture says you're correct in your assessment, and I say our culture is very, very wrong... that we've warped human relations into something completely unnatural. That disgusts me.

Non-captcha solve thingy: "one way".
indeed.

 

[Altorin]

my relationships tend to overlap. it's shameful, but that's just the way it is. I'm not strong enough to end it when I need to. I don't tend to linger with my soon to be ex after it starts it's just an excuse to get out of a bad relationship.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

Well if they couldn't leave that would be problematic, I agree. But pretty sure most people have more than a single relationship in their lives nowadays, not a single one they're stuck in forever. 50 years ago, idk, probably harder to deal with. But it makes more sense to look at how it is now.

It certainly makes a little bit more sense now, but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid. I avoided becoming one of the latter types by just being honest about it. I'd say in that respect, my personality type is common but my approach is uncommonly ethical.

 

[Oro44]

I had a thing with a girl who was with another guy. It never got to actual sex, but stuff did happen. Thing is, he found out and was ok with it. Not entirely sure what to make of that. I've always had a flirtatious attitude towards the girls I know, but that's the only time I actually caved when the attitude was reciprocated. I don't necessarily feel bad about what happened, but it's still something I wouldn't do again.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid.

Unhealthy obsession?

Something we're trained for from a young age. The common thread of "true love" in stories being shoved down our throats until we absolutely expect our lives to turn out the way the story does. It essentially causes people to construct an ideal mate, and then project that construct onto a person (who may have a few surface similarities to the ideal, but of course isn't that made-up ideal). To see this in action, you pretty much just have to look at almost any hard break-up.

 

[Oro44]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid.

Unhealthy obsession?

Something we're trained for from a young age. The common thread of "true love" in stories being shoved down our throats until we absolutely expect our lives to turn out the way the story does. It essentially causes people to construct an ideal mate, and then project that construct onto a person (who may have a few surface similarities to the ideal, but of course isn't that made-up ideal. To see this in action, you pretty much just have to look at almost any hard break-up.

I'll agree with this. I know a girl who is a hopeless romantic in the extreme. She dives head first into relationships, always thinking that it's "the one". Being an idealist can be poison to a relationship. Hell, I could even forgive minor "transgressions", I've been there, I know how things can snowball out of control. I think an "ideal" relationship is just the opposite of that word. Seeing your partner as human and not an "ideal" is how to make a relationship last.

 

[Jinxzy]

I've been cheated on about two times, the first was an on/off relationship. I don't really know if you can call it cheating but it's still kind of messed up. He came back to me saying that I was the one for him. After a few month or so his friend told me about his plan. He was actually getting married to another girl and needed more money for the wedding, he was basically trying to get my money and leave. When confronted he called me plenty of names and didn't leave with a dime.

The second time was....different. We were friends that turned into a relationship. Everything was going smooth for a few month till sexual activities were brought up. I wasn't interested in the things he wanted so there really wasn't any sexual content going on between us. After about a month I stop by his apartment and let myself in with the key he gave me. He just moved in a few weeks ago and I offered to stop by and help clean and unpack. When I walked into the bedroom he was, lets just say he packing another dude. I dropped the key on the floor turned around and left.

OT: Cheaters will always be cheaters, if you forgive them most take advantage of it and keep cheating. They really don't deserve a second chance if they can't respect you.

 

[Saviordd1]

I'll be honest, I cheated on a girl before. Yeah, I'm that kinda Dbag.

None the less it was sure as hell an eye opener, and she never forgave me fully (still hasn't)

I have never cheated on anyone like that again.