Boyfriend?

[Divine Miss Bee]

i find myself halfway jealous of you. i've barely been single since i was 13 (i'll be 23 next week), and i regret almost all of those relationships. i didn't know myself well enough to choose well, and when i finally got to that point, i had so many bad experiences i spectacularly messed up some good chances to be happy.

my first kiss was at age 11, my first date at age 13, and first serious girlfriend at age 14 ("serious" meaning the girl i lost my virginity with). it was definitely too soon for all of it, and i would have waited if i could do it over again.

being in a happy, mutually respectful relationship now, i'm of the mindset that i want everyone else to be as hapy as i am now, but without suffering through all the bullshit i have up to this point. so you now want a boyfriend and you seem to have a good idea of what you want your life to look like with one, so just do it. talk to people you're interested in and see if you hit it off with them (this will probably require going out more). though if you're not interested in a specific person, don't just "get a boyfriend." it sucks watching everyone in your family get married and being pitied by your relatives, but loving badly can fuck you up for a bit. :/

 

[Hazy]

It's the same notion as losing your virginity. You think it will radically change your life, but really, you're the same person who managed to sword-fight with their genitals.

It sounds like you're trying to validate yourself when compared to the rest of your family. Don't stress over finding the right person - that will make you reckless, and in desperation, you'll most certainly end up with the wrong person. Don't be pressured by anyone.

 

[Tanakh]

snip

Humm... since you ask, 29 yo male here.

I think I had my first (romantic) kiss at 26, my first sexual relationship shortly after (was a complete mess btw), most of my cousins round my age had kids before that. Met some people I liked before that, just didn't worked out.

I actually find it almost impossible to believe you have never met someone that you liked or that liked you, that would almost always indicate a neurological or endocrine unbalance, but yeah... I had a similar feeling at 24. Studied math, was always over thinking and making stupid choices regarding emotions, when in fact it's kinda easy for me now.

As for caring? I used to care as a teenager, then got focused and didn't cared that much. "The one" is quite a dangerous concept btw, well, at least the way it's used on the western culture; as for youth, SQUEEZE THE HECK OUT OF IT, but again, don't follow preconceived ideas, go do stuff you like, go take risk and do things that scare you but you desire, learn, but if you don't want to club or party then don't IMO.

For insight I would repeat what I told you, learn to follow your desires more and allow yourself to make mistakes both in relationships and especially outside of them, just be ready for it if shit hits the fan. In my experience when you follow your heart and do stuff you are passionate about good girls just come to you.

The GF question is a bit more complicated, I think my first GF was a skype relationship at 27 which had little to do with sex (by then I had some sexual experience, but I really like this skype girl), outside that I was the BF of a girl last year, not many "oficial" GFs in my life. Did it mattered? Yeah, but it wasn't the concept of GF, but because I really like this girl and spend good times sharing with her.

Nowadays I kind of regret not getting closer to some cute girls I had something going on when younger, but... you see I needed that time to grow, at the moment I am VERY pleased with my love life, having an open relationship with a girl I love (which incidentally was the first girl I was ever with) but seeing her way too little, around once a week, which makes things more special BTW, I am also in intermittent relationships with some other girls, which know that I am just their lover. But more than anything I am finally mature enough to handle sex and love towards what I want, to be honest, caring when needed but detached when called for, and especially to finally be able to see with which girls there is a wonderful surprise in wait and build it together and which ones I shouldn't go for.

It has been long, sometimes painful, heck lonely at moments, road but I am actually happy with the man I turned out to be.

Anyway, GL! If you want a conversation, just quote me or pm me

PD. I would disagree with most of the post round, having relationships (sexual and emotional) does radically change your life, for the better if you are lucky or know your way around.

 

[DanielBrown]

Shouldn't matter when you have sex for your first time. I rushed it like crazy and lost it to some girl I hardly knew when I was 13 or 14. Can't say I care that much about it, but it would've been better if I waited for a girl I actually liked.
Haven't bothered at all with relationships since I was 17(pushing 24 myself atm) since I don't feel it's my thing, but I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure too.

 

[Tanakh]

gay men are waaaaaay different than straight men.

Really? I find gay and straight man way more alike than lets say men and women, in their mental structures of course.

At present I'm on a course to being a real life 40 year old virgin.

Chillax brah! 31 is WAAAY away from 40.

Edit: Just forgot to tell... the social pressure for you settling down or having conventional relationships does go up as you get older, especially if you are a woman, on the other hand the work environment pressure to settle down I think it's higher for men.

 

[RandV80]

I really really want to play badminton. I become ambidextrous when I play badminton. Going to ask some people if they know a away.

I'm in my early 30's now and been with my missus for 7 years so I'm long past these sorts of worries. But like Hagi's suggestion of joining a sports club and your fondness of badminton my sage elder advice is to totally follow up and look into this, especially if it's a co-ed league. Same thing with anyone else who has another interest, or if you're not into sports at all there's gotta be some other hobby out there. If you're in a city and especially if there's a big university you'd be surprised at what you could find. For us introverts that don't like drinking/partying and are perfectly happy staying at home to read a book or play games it's easy to let a social life completely slip away and become a recluse.

Not that joining a club of some sort guarantees you're going to find someone but it will certainly increase your chances and win or lose at least your out there doing something you enjoy, as opposed to forcing yourself to go out drinking at some club or bar. The latter can also be bloody expensive. Also 24 is an age where you can still take your youth for granted, that's a good time as any to start ensuring you have regular exercise so you can age more gracefully when things start to go downhill.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

19, with a barely remembered drunken first kiss here. Still never had a girlfriend. I'm not too worried.

 

[NightHavoc]

My first real girlfriend (I had previous relationships but they dumped me within 2 weeks yay!) was at age 19, which I jumped into without really thinking things through. We dated for almost a year before we really hit trouble. She wanted me to open up more and I withdrew ending the relationship (I do have a reason for this which I can explain if asked)

My point is I don't think you should worry too much, dating is pretty overrated at a young age in my opinion. If I could do the whole thing again I would wait till I'm older and had a better understanding of what I wanted in a relationship. I'm 23 now, I'm still a virgin, and I am feeling the pressure to date again, not to mention feeling a little lonely. Regardless I would prefer to wait until I've sorted a few thing out before I enter a committed relationship.

Everyone is different when it comes to dating but I would strongly recommend that don't get into a relationship simply because of the pressure you're feeling it will never end well. In the meantime I suggest enjoying single life to it's fullest! Especially since GTA V is coming out tomorrow...... imagine trying to tell your SO you'll be spending the next 4 months devoting your time to a game!

 

[Headdrivehardscrew]

Just live your life and strive to actually want to be happy. Focus on the things that matter. Most people find it easier and more natural to act and decide from a position of relative stability.

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist, but you also can't dance when you're constantly afraid of falling over. Life is not necessarily a *****; it's no beach either. Do what you have to do, choose what you want to do.

On here, I am an amorphous mass of pompous words and attitude. In meatspace, I am a lump of meat. My ideas and notions and dreams and worries are less... evident. The people I work and live and laugh with tend to be compartmentalized into groups that would not get along with each other... at all. That is how I came to live my life, and it grew naturally, organically even. I never had this grand master plan, but now that I am at least halfway through life, I'd say it worked out alright so far. I just think it's important to settle on how you want to do things. If there is a problem, you can choose to ignore it or you can attempt to solve it, if there's not anything more pressing or urgent that requires your attention.

Yes, I think the first time doing anything matters; at least to me it does. The first kiss, the first intercourse, the first rape, the first therapy session, the first marriage, the first breakup - it all matters, for it all adds up to the sum that is you, or me or anyone else. If you don't feel like going out, heck, don't go out. Go out! Get them, tiger! No, don't go out. Use protection! Use dating sites! No, dating sites are evil!

There's so many choices and if there is one thing I tend to perceive as being quite a problem these days, it's this: There's too many choices. There's too much of everything to get, it's quite overwhelming. So, people in the last ten to twenty years have resorted to a new strategy: They're happy with getting and having and being nothing much at all. Large portions of their lives are lived in the Matrix. Their emotions are but exercises in mimicking the motions and faces they see on TV. This is the Escapist; we might all be guilty of that to some extent.

I think it's important to escape back to reality every now and then; make it adventurous, make it exciting, make it worthwhile. In the end, dying on here is almost as shitty and final as it is in the real world, which is not an infuriatingly crap show on what used to be MTV.

Dream your dreams,
live your life,
dream your life,
live your dreams.

It's a short and bumpy ride as is.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

At present I'm on a course to being a real life 40 year old virgin.

Chillax brah! 31 is WAAAY away from 40.

Yeah? 31 seemed "waaay away" when I was 19 and yet here I am.

 

[Asuka Soryu]

Ha, same. I'm 23, turning 24 in October, I've never had a relationship, I've never fallen in love with someone and vice versa. My parents are often on my back about not dating/getting married, when my brother and sister have already married their love interest.

I used to want a relationship, but I'm starting to see no appeal to it, as I'm finding both genders to be a complete turn off.

 

[Tanakh]

Yeah? 31 seemed "waaay away" when I was 19 and yet here I am.

I know! It's fucking scary how time accelerates as you grow old!! Still, it has been my experience that as long as you make more than the average wage for your area, getting someone, a good someone at that, is fairly easy. Now getting a great one? My policy is just go fishing and see what you get.

 

[Naeras]

Never think that there's something weird about "never having had a boyfriend", or that that's somehow a problem. It's not, and thinking that it is isn't healthy.

I know several people who've never really had any interest in anyone before.. well, ever, and that's fine. There's absolutely no sense rushing into things just because you imagine that you should be with someone. I've seen that happen, and that generally goes pretty bad for both parts in that relationship.

That being said, if you're worried about "living like an old lady", do something about that. It doesn't have to mean getting drunk at some random bar, because there are way better things to do than that. Just do stuff with your friends, that's how you usually get to know people(because they tend to have friends, who have friends, who have friends etc). Join a club of some sort. Start doing sports of some kind. Whatever. Do something that you haven't done before that involves you getting to know people. At worst, you'll expand your social circle.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Yeah? 31 seemed "waaay away" when I was 19 and yet here I am.

I know! It's fucking scary how time accelerates as you grow old!! Still, it has been my experience that as long as you make more than the average wage for your area, getting someone, a good someone at that, is fairly easy. Now getting a great one? My policy is just go fishing and see what you get.

Yeah, that's another problem. Working 2 part time jobs doesn't really help my chances any.

 

[James Joseph Emerald]

I hate to say it, but if your biggest worry in life is not having a boyfriend/girlfriend by a certain age, you should count yourself incredibly lucky.

My younger brother had a schizophrenic break recently and is currently locked up in a padded cell in a psychiatric hospital. My lack of a girlfriend is so far in the back of my mind, that I would pay a lot of money just to have the capacity to worry about something so comparatively trivial.

And even then, my problems are trivial compared to people living on diseased water in Sudan, or Syrians being gassed by their own government.

Point being, don't ruin your own happiness by worrying about silly shit like peer pressure. Happiness -- even just contentedness -- is a rarer and more valuable commodity than a mountain of gold.

 

[FrozenCones]

I'm in the same situation. I feel more pressured now that I ever have. I hit the big 30 at the end of the week and my relationship experience has been weighed, measured and found wanting.
Mental illness has played a huge part in not going out and dating/meeting the right person and as a result feel partly emotionally unattached and partly fucking terrified at the notion of a relationship.

Furthermore, i'm the oldest of my current circle of friends (whom I dont really see anymore after moving interstate) and they have all settled down, gotten married, had or are having kids.

Ive tried online dating and thats been......an interesting experience to say the least.

Its comforting to know i'm not alone in this situation.

 

[Tanakh]

Yeah, that's another problem. Working 2 part time jobs doesn't really help my chances any.

Here I thought Canada was the land of milk and honey. Tough luck brah, hang in there

And get money of course, in my experience it is hard not to be in a relationship and wanting one if you have money and just a bit of time.

 

[Casual Shinji]

Hey, atleast you're not 30 without ever having done any of that.

I mean... heh... that would be fucking pathetic, ey.

Ey?

...

:'(

 

[Xangba]

My question is, do you WANT a relationship or do you feel you just should have one? Only have a relationship if you want one. Otherwise you'll be miserable. And don't feel like you're supposed to put out or anything, I can never wrap my head around the concept of casual sex with someone you don't love. It is the closest you can be with someone else, and if you're lucky enough to only be with that one special person your entire life then congratulations. Thought I loved the girl my first time was with, but some things happened, and the only other woman I've been with is the one I'm engaged to. Just only start getting involved with someone if you actually want to. A healthy relationship, even if it's not the person you spend your life with, can bring a lot to your life. Just watch for any sleazes out there, and if you ever get your heart broken it doesn't mean the next person will do the same. Closing yourself off out of fear doesn't help.

 

[Tanakh]

Hey, atleast you're not 30 without ever having done any of that.

I mean... heh... that would be fucking pathetic, ey.

Ey?

...

:'(

Mhee... I think was a heartbeat of getting there. It's something you can change if you want.