Boyfriend?

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

I had 'girlfriends' when I was a kid, because I was a cute kid.

Then I grew up. Went through an awkward phase. No women wanted anything to do with me.

By my early twenties, I guess I grew into my looks. Now, how women reacted to me told me that I was unattractive. My friends told me that wasn't the case. By the very reason of how I was actually attractive in their eyes, I should have someone.

Now, either they didn't believe me when I said women turn me down all the time (maybe because they never saw it and I never actively hit on women out in public), or because of ancient stereotypes... most people thought I was gay. So in between trying to figure out what girl would be a good match for me, most tried to accept the fact that I liked men instead of women.

After a while, I stopped wanting a girlfriend for the love and companionship. I started to want one so people would get off of my back.

Sidebar, both are horrible reasons to want a boyfriend or girlfriend. Both are not about meeting that person that makes you want to spend a lot of time with them, both are about fulfilling a need. A person isn't a pizza when you're craving italian food. They have their own needs, own desires, and own wants. Even if you have the best of intentions, finding out you were just the one who said yes when the other was actively looking for someone to fill the void is the best way to make that person NOT feel special. Or even cared about truly.

 

[JoeGlory]

I know for me I have had two relationships. My first one started when I was 18 and lasted 3 1/2 years. She fell out of love with me and we went our seperate ways. I had another relationship when I was 22 and lasted just over a year. She turned manipulative and I had to get out.

Being in a relationship is pretty cool, but not too life changing. I still feel that I am who I am being in or out of a relationship. That being said, relationships do change you. You absorb some things that the other person did or said or what have you. For example, I now crochet as a result of my second relationship

I understand the feeling of not getting out very often. I go to work, come home, play on my computer, go to sleep, and go to work again. With school in between all that I don't have much of a life, but I like it like that. It is hard to meet the right person under those conditions but it will happen. I would suggest maybe online dating if you have a good eye for the good honest people on it.

Your virginity will not matter to the right guy. If a guy makes any sort of slight at your virginity or lack of sexual history, RUN! A good guy will not care and will love being with you, no matter what. A good guy will wait for the time that is right for you and him and be together in a relationship Do not use negative words or connotations for yourself. You are perfect the way you are and the right guy will see that as well. You are going through life at the pace which is perfectly fine and normal.

Badminton is fun. I used to play at the provincial level up here in western Canada. Super awesome sport that I reaaaaaaally wished was televised more than it is. If you lived up here in western Canada I would totally suggest we should play together since I really want to get back into it.

 

[BlumiereBleck]

Less whinging and moping about on the internet, more hanging out with co-workers, joining clubs or sport teams, and going to the bar on weekends.

This isn't really rocket science, friend.

If you're really that lost and/or allergic to real life, even the internet has these things called dating sites that'll match you with potential romantic partners. Go through four or five of those and one of 'em will probably stick for at least a few months.

Man's got a point people.



I was 17 when I got my first kiss and my first girlfriend. I've even gotten a girlfriend after that. People, don't shove off love or neglect it, go outside your comfort zone. You'll be less of a beta if you do.

 

[Story]

I feel you OP, I'm pretty much in the same position. Though I'm a few years younger then you so, that might be why I'm not as bothered as you might be. My family structure is also different, I have five aunts, but only one of them had kids and got married and I seem to be falling on the same path as the other four.

Live life at your own pace I'd say.

Yes I agree with this. It's probably the best advice you can get. Just do something you want to do, not something you feel like you must do.

 

[Headsprouter]

Ah, well I'm 18 years old and have had no sexual or intimate experience of any kind. I've known girls who have liked me, but I'm far too...well...not shy, but...let's just say I tend to write off my ability to uphold a relationship as well as barely even wanting to seriously consider asking somebody out. I'm not a risk-taker and when you think about it, trying to initiate a relationship is a massive gamble. If you succeed, you get a date, which may or may not go well. If you fail you get awkwardness. Lots of awkwardness.

And I think I have enough awkwardness.

Similar to the OP, my cousins are in contrast. Both of my male cousins of sexual maturity are experimenting and having relationships all over the place, or have done. But you have to leave some room for male ego, don't you? How much of this is true and how much is showing off?

The whole thing is kind of scary. So many things that could go horribly wrong. And I don't think I could do breakups. And I have a great love for being alone, but I can't help but think I'd be happy to make an exception for a girl that I love equally as much.

 

[Vegosiux]

Am nearly 31, single for 2 years after coming out of a rather badly-ended relationship that lasted for 7 years. I'm having a much better time than I was having 2-3 years ago, even if I might not be engaging in intimate stuff.

You know, 30 is a scary number, but once you get to it, you see that life ain't all that bad on the other side of it, nor have you turned old and ugly and stuff.

Also, "me-time" is very, very, very underrated. Honestly. It's a great time. People should enjoy that time. Not feel bad about having a lot of it.

 

[ShipofFools]

If you want my advice, here it is:
Live your life, go with the flow. Things happen when they happen, and forcing them only hurts yourself in the long run.

Good luck fellow traveller, I hope you find what you where looking for

 

[rasputin0009]

I am 24 years old. My cousins around my age are married and have children by now. But I have never had a boyfriend or had my first kiss (if that was ever important) yet. I have never met someone I like, or someone who like me.

I used to not care about this because I think doing it as a teenager is rushed, but now that I am 24 I am starting to feel the pressure. Even if I don't expect to find the one yet I wish I had at least some experience with dating. Maybe I'm rushing but it feels like I am living the life of a retired old lady sometimes, I never "go out" or anything. I want to experience youth.

I'm just wondering if anyone here have ideas or insights about people who didn't lose their virginity as a teenager. When did you get your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Did it matter to you when it happened?

captcha: groundhog day. I've been getting that one a lot lately.

You can start by hanging out casually with more guys. Just as friends. No pressure involved with that. Or if you do want to date someone you just met, bring some friends along for the first date. Takes the pressure off the both of you and actually leads to better relationships, I think.

 

[CriticalMiss]

I am 24 years old. My cousins around my age are married and have children by now. But I have never had a boyfriend or had my first kiss (if that was ever important) yet. I have never met someone I like, or someone who like me.

I used to not care about this because I think doing it as a teenager is rushed, but now that I am 24 I am starting to feel the pressure. Even if I don't expect to find the one yet I wish I had at least some experience with dating. Maybe I'm rushing but it feels like I am living the life of a retired old lady sometimes, I never "go out" or anything. I want to experience youth.

I'm just wondering if anyone here have ideas or insights about people who didn't lose their virginity as a teenager. When did you get your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Did it matter to you when it happened?

captcha: groundhog day. I've been getting that one a lot lately.

I really don't see the big deal about people who haven't lost their virginity and are past their teens, it's not weird and it doesn't make you a loser so don't feel like you are the only one because (as with most things) you're never the only one.

If you want to 'experience youth' then get out and do stuff. You don't need a partner to have hobbies and you might actually meet someone through a mutual hobby, so maybe find some sports or activity clubs near where you live and give them a go. You'll have something to occupy your time, you'll meet new people and there is a chance you might find someone you like.

And remember that being a cat lady is always a valid option. The world needs cat ladies.

 

[The Bread is Delicious]

Have you considered that what you're feeling now is influenced by cultural factors and not truly "who you are"?

Absolutely. But there is also the notion that there is just something wrong with me. I can be pretty closed off to other people and I have had to work with that problem this year. And I got out with two new friends that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

This caught my attention and I thought I'd say, how do I put this gingerly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL AND WILL DO GREAT THINGS IN LIFE. Sorry, coming from a history of self confidence issues and all that crap, I hate seeing others in the same position I was/still am in. It is amazing the difference in perspective you can have when you see yourself as complete first (I say complete because the word I always used to describe myself was broken). However, getting there is a bunch of positive thinking crap and this is all not something I think you wanted to get into with this thread, so I apologize for the tangent, especially if I took that the wrong way, and I'll get to the point.

For actually looking for a boyfriend, just as practically everyone else has said on here, look for something you like to do and find someone through those interests. If actually going to an event or a club (not the partying kind) or something is not something that you see yourself doing. Take a leap of faith, it is amazing how responsive people are when they find out you share an interest of some sort. The same actually goes for opening up. I know it is hard, believe me, I've been through a lot of crap and helped others through a lot more, and whether it is about something specific or just you as a person opening up is hard. However, opening up makes others want to open up and that is how you get closer to people, make friends, and start relationships.

Where I'm going with all of this I guess is, if what you are doing now where you are comfortable isn't working toward your goal, then you are going to have to go out on a limb and try something new outside your comfort zone to meet people and find someone worth starting a relationship with. The funny thing is that it is always more frightening to think about it then going out and doing it. Oh and persistence, my sister swears that the only reason her and her boyfriend are together is that he wouldn't stop bugging her when they first met and now they've been together for a year and a half with no end in sight. I'm sure it works the other way around too.

Lastly I would just like to leave this here, http://pewsocialtrends.org/files/2010/10/millennials-confident-connected-open-to-change.pdf .
Talks about trends for our generation (Millennials) and past generations, it is a bit long but the graphs are fun to look at. Somewhere in there I'm pretty sure it points out that there are around 5 main goals that people (huge generalization here) have in common. Getting married, having kids, moving out of parent's home, becoming financially independent, and finding a lifelong career. Back in the 30's around 3/4 of people completed all of these goals by the time they turned 30, now it is just under 10%. On the opposite side of the spectrum, more than 10% probably don't even accomplish one of those goals by the time they are 30. This is also for America specifically, so other nations probably vary a bit, but just for an idea.

Hope there was something in here you can find useful, and have a great day while you are at it!

 

[Kuilui]

I'm 24, just turned it a few weeks ago. Same thing no dates, no nothing. It used to bother me but as I get older I find myself giving a lot less of a crap to be honest. Why would I care about something I've never experienced ever. Its like when people tell you "Dude you have to check out this show its amazing!", you've never watched it and probably never will because you have no emotion attached to it like they do. Girls used to chase me through school but I had severe anxiety and other issues that kept me from ever either recognizing a girl was head hunting me or I just didn't care because I was to busy just trying to keep myself together emotionally. Ugly childhood messed me up bad for a long time. Figured another girl would just be around the corner as they always seemed to be if I ever got myself together enough to do date...nope hah. I don't really care though personally. If i did I'd just join a dating website or something. That "let it happen naturally" crap is for people with social lives. You have to make your own magic sometimes when your the only one you can depend on.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

I recommend going out to do nerdy things, specifically the kind that benefits from teamwork and comradery, it worked for me.
Say for example, find a DnD group, join LARP event, or reenactment events if you're a fair bit tougher.

The key is finding people, interacting with people, in a face-to-face manner, don't go there JUST to find someone you'll like, but it will greatly enhance your chances.

Besides that, I think it is important to remember that you should never feel pressured into a relationship, no relationship is better than a bad, bit a good relationship is so much more worth the adventure of finding it.

Fortune favours the audacious.

 

[Vegosiux]

I would encourage the O.P. to take advice from those who have never crossed with a grain of salt.

Hm, interesting. Why? I wonder how you can explain this one without making it sound as if "not crossing" is somehow "inferior".

On the other hand, any advice ever is best taken with a grain of salt, truly, so technically, you're right. (and technically correct is the best kind of correct)

Captcha: the cat lady
NOW THEN.

Fortune favours the audacious.

Fortune favors the fortunate, really. Chance is a funky thing >.>

 

[Grach]

I'm 20 now and I haven't had sex or my first kiss, something that bothers me a lot since I'm kind of shy and a recluse so socializing is not one of my strengths. Even then I can't seem to get girls to notice me that way, even when I ask them out.

Anyway, something I found useful is focusing on work/study if you start to get kind of desperate.

 

[JDLY]

snip

I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet, as I didn't go through all 4 pages, but I'll say it anyway as it's not a direct answer to your question, but related.

Don't worry about a lack of experience when it comes to certain "things."

I'm a 20 year-old male and currently in a relationship, which is going great. I had two girlfriends prior, one of which I never did anything with, and the other I kissed once.

So I had basically no experience with any of the physical aspects of a relationship. But I was completely honest about that with my current girlfriend, and she understood, so we're taking it relatively slow. I've learned as we go, little by little.

My main point is, if you're in a good relationship where you both care about each other, a lack of experience on your part will be no barrier. The main thing to remember is honesty though. If you wind up with someone, and he doesn't know you've never been with anyone before, he might have expectations that you know what to do. If you're honest with him, and he is a good guy, he'll be patient with you. And if he's not, I'd question whether or not you should keep dating him.