Boyfriend?

[Headsprouter]

Ah, well I'm 18 years old and have had no sexual or intimate experience of any kind. I've known girls who have liked me, but I'm far too...well...not shy, but...let's just say I tend to write off my ability to uphold a relationship as well as barely even wanting to seriously consider asking somebody out. I'm not a risk-taker and when you think about it, trying to initiate a relationship is a massive gamble. If you succeed, you get a date, which may or may not go well. If you fail you get awkwardness. Lots of awkwardness.

And I think I have enough awkwardness.

Similar to the OP, my cousins are in contrast. Both of my male cousins of sexual maturity are experimenting and having relationships all over the place, or have done. But you have to leave some room for male ego, don't you? How much of this is true and how much is showing off?

The whole thing is kind of scary. So many things that could go horribly wrong. And I don't think I could do breakups. And I have a great love for being alone, but I can't help but think I'd be happy to make an exception for a girl that I love equally as much.

 

[Vegosiux]

Am nearly 31, single for 2 years after coming out of a rather badly-ended relationship that lasted for 7 years. I'm having a much better time than I was having 2-3 years ago, even if I might not be engaging in intimate stuff.

You know, 30 is a scary number, but once you get to it, you see that life ain't all that bad on the other side of it, nor have you turned old and ugly and stuff.

Also, "me-time" is very, very, very underrated. Honestly. It's a great time. People should enjoy that time. Not feel bad about having a lot of it.

 

[ShipofFools]

If you want my advice, here it is:
Live your life, go with the flow. Things happen when they happen, and forcing them only hurts yourself in the long run.

Good luck fellow traveller, I hope you find what you where looking for

 

[rasputin0009]

I am 24 years old. My cousins around my age are married and have children by now. But I have never had a boyfriend or had my first kiss (if that was ever important) yet. I have never met someone I like, or someone who like me.

I used to not care about this because I think doing it as a teenager is rushed, but now that I am 24 I am starting to feel the pressure. Even if I don't expect to find the one yet I wish I had at least some experience with dating. Maybe I'm rushing but it feels like I am living the life of a retired old lady sometimes, I never "go out" or anything. I want to experience youth.

I'm just wondering if anyone here have ideas or insights about people who didn't lose their virginity as a teenager. When did you get your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Did it matter to you when it happened?

captcha: groundhog day. I've been getting that one a lot lately.

You can start by hanging out casually with more guys. Just as friends. No pressure involved with that. Or if you do want to date someone you just met, bring some friends along for the first date. Takes the pressure off the both of you and actually leads to better relationships, I think.

 

[CriticalMiss]

I am 24 years old. My cousins around my age are married and have children by now. But I have never had a boyfriend or had my first kiss (if that was ever important) yet. I have never met someone I like, or someone who like me.

I used to not care about this because I think doing it as a teenager is rushed, but now that I am 24 I am starting to feel the pressure. Even if I don't expect to find the one yet I wish I had at least some experience with dating. Maybe I'm rushing but it feels like I am living the life of a retired old lady sometimes, I never "go out" or anything. I want to experience youth.

I'm just wondering if anyone here have ideas or insights about people who didn't lose their virginity as a teenager. When did you get your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Did it matter to you when it happened?

captcha: groundhog day. I've been getting that one a lot lately.

I really don't see the big deal about people who haven't lost their virginity and are past their teens, it's not weird and it doesn't make you a loser so don't feel like you are the only one because (as with most things) you're never the only one.

If you want to 'experience youth' then get out and do stuff. You don't need a partner to have hobbies and you might actually meet someone through a mutual hobby, so maybe find some sports or activity clubs near where you live and give them a go. You'll have something to occupy your time, you'll meet new people and there is a chance you might find someone you like.

And remember that being a cat lady is always a valid option. The world needs cat ladies.

 

[The Bread is Delicious]

Have you considered that what you're feeling now is influenced by cultural factors and not truly "who you are"?

Absolutely. But there is also the notion that there is just something wrong with me. I can be pretty closed off to other people and I have had to work with that problem this year. And I got out with two new friends that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

This caught my attention and I thought I'd say, how do I put this gingerly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL AND WILL DO GREAT THINGS IN LIFE. Sorry, coming from a history of self confidence issues and all that crap, I hate seeing others in the same position I was/still am in. It is amazing the difference in perspective you can have when you see yourself as complete first (I say complete because the word I always used to describe myself was broken). However, getting there is a bunch of positive thinking crap and this is all not something I think you wanted to get into with this thread, so I apologize for the tangent, especially if I took that the wrong way, and I'll get to the point.

For actually looking for a boyfriend, just as practically everyone else has said on here, look for something you like to do and find someone through those interests. If actually going to an event or a club (not the partying kind) or something is not something that you see yourself doing. Take a leap of faith, it is amazing how responsive people are when they find out you share an interest of some sort. The same actually goes for opening up. I know it is hard, believe me, I've been through a lot of crap and helped others through a lot more, and whether it is about something specific or just you as a person opening up is hard. However, opening up makes others want to open up and that is how you get closer to people, make friends, and start relationships.

Where I'm going with all of this I guess is, if what you are doing now where you are comfortable isn't working toward your goal, then you are going to have to go out on a limb and try something new outside your comfort zone to meet people and find someone worth starting a relationship with. The funny thing is that it is always more frightening to think about it then going out and doing it. Oh and persistence, my sister swears that the only reason her and her boyfriend are together is that he wouldn't stop bugging her when they first met and now they've been together for a year and a half with no end in sight. I'm sure it works the other way around too.

Lastly I would just like to leave this here, http://pewsocialtrends.org/files/2010/10/millennials-confident-connected-open-to-change.pdf .
Talks about trends for our generation (Millennials) and past generations, it is a bit long but the graphs are fun to look at. Somewhere in there I'm pretty sure it points out that there are around 5 main goals that people (huge generalization here) have in common. Getting married, having kids, moving out of parent's home, becoming financially independent, and finding a lifelong career. Back in the 30's around 3/4 of people completed all of these goals by the time they turned 30, now it is just under 10%. On the opposite side of the spectrum, more than 10% probably don't even accomplish one of those goals by the time they are 30. This is also for America specifically, so other nations probably vary a bit, but just for an idea.

Hope there was something in here you can find useful, and have a great day while you are at it!

 

[Kuilui]

I'm 24, just turned it a few weeks ago. Same thing no dates, no nothing. It used to bother me but as I get older I find myself giving a lot less of a crap to be honest. Why would I care about something I've never experienced ever. Its like when people tell you "Dude you have to check out this show its amazing!", you've never watched it and probably never will because you have no emotion attached to it like they do. Girls used to chase me through school but I had severe anxiety and other issues that kept me from ever either recognizing a girl was head hunting me or I just didn't care because I was to busy just trying to keep myself together emotionally. Ugly childhood messed me up bad for a long time. Figured another girl would just be around the corner as they always seemed to be if I ever got myself together enough to do date...nope hah. I don't really care though personally. If i did I'd just join a dating website or something. That "let it happen naturally" crap is for people with social lives. You have to make your own magic sometimes when your the only one you can depend on.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

I recommend going out to do nerdy things, specifically the kind that benefits from teamwork and comradery, it worked for me.
Say for example, find a DnD group, join LARP event, or reenactment events if you're a fair bit tougher.

The key is finding people, interacting with people, in a face-to-face manner, don't go there JUST to find someone you'll like, but it will greatly enhance your chances.

Besides that, I think it is important to remember that you should never feel pressured into a relationship, no relationship is better than a bad, bit a good relationship is so much more worth the adventure of finding it.

Fortune favours the audacious.

 

[Vegosiux]

I would encourage the O.P. to take advice from those who have never crossed with a grain of salt.

Hm, interesting. Why? I wonder how you can explain this one without making it sound as if "not crossing" is somehow "inferior".

On the other hand, any advice ever is best taken with a grain of salt, truly, so technically, you're right. (and technically correct is the best kind of correct)

Captcha: the cat lady
NOW THEN.

Fortune favours the audacious.

Fortune favors the fortunate, really. Chance is a funky thing >.>

 

[Grach]

I'm 20 now and I haven't had sex or my first kiss, something that bothers me a lot since I'm kind of shy and a recluse so socializing is not one of my strengths. Even then I can't seem to get girls to notice me that way, even when I ask them out.

Anyway, something I found useful is focusing on work/study if you start to get kind of desperate.

 

[JDLY]

snip

I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet, as I didn't go through all 4 pages, but I'll say it anyway as it's not a direct answer to your question, but related.

Don't worry about a lack of experience when it comes to certain "things."

I'm a 20 year-old male and currently in a relationship, which is going great. I had two girlfriends prior, one of which I never did anything with, and the other I kissed once.

So I had basically no experience with any of the physical aspects of a relationship. But I was completely honest about that with my current girlfriend, and she understood, so we're taking it relatively slow. I've learned as we go, little by little.

My main point is, if you're in a good relationship where you both care about each other, a lack of experience on your part will be no barrier. The main thing to remember is honesty though. If you wind up with someone, and he doesn't know you've never been with anyone before, he might have expectations that you know what to do. If you're honest with him, and he is a good guy, he'll be patient with you. And if he's not, I'd question whether or not you should keep dating him.

 

[Vegosiux]

If your baiting me, I will gleefully jump forward sir. One of my normal forums i go to entails Mixed Martial Arts or mma.

Nah, not baiting, but regardless glad you're jumping forward.

I do not practice it. But I could sit up here and debate, and or lecture the topic at you till the second coming.
should a prospective fighter listen to anything I have to say? Lets suppose this was a thread about such a topic where the OP asked about getting into the sport, i said something, and a real fighter straight up told me what i stated above.

He'd be right. I could tell someone the pay sucks, the life style is difficult, but I really couldn't tell them the perks. Not really. I could assume, but i really wouldn't know.

That would depend on what the question was. I mean, if it's about how to get into sports, naturally, you'd want an opinion of someone who's in sports. But if it's more like a "I'm not really into sports, is that weird? Should I want to be in sports, is my life going to be better if I get into sports?" thing, which this thread seems to be, opinions from both sides are valid as opinions, because no two individuals are the same.

Just because your life is better after you got into sports doesn't mean it's a general rule and you're more qualified to give an opinion on it than someone who's not in sports on whether or not it's a life-improvement.

And there are enough things in the world that it's literally impossible not to miss out on any of them as it is...

I think the polite thing here would be for me to tell you "oh sure your opinion is every bit as good as one that's actually ventured into the subject."

Again, that would depend on what question was actually asked.

In the exact same way your suppose to lie to remain polite on certain topics. I don't, and i'm not.

Nobody's asking you to lie. There's another implied statement in there, but I might just be reading into it too much, so...that's it for now.

 

[Church185]

snip

*Reads through the first couple pages* Seems I'm in the minority here. I dated girls regularly throughout my teens, but looking back I feel like it may have been for social standing more than anything else. See, I live in kind of a backwoods area and there was a rumor going around that I was gay starting I think in the 7th grade. Due to the negative reaction a lot of gay people get in my small community I had to go above and beyond to "score" so that I wasn't singled out and picked on. I ended up involved with a lot of girls that I wouldn't even have associated with had the circumstances been different, and I regret everything that happened. It wasn't until my junior and senior year of high school that I was able to express myself and be who I wanted to be without ridicule. I met a girl that I genuinely love and have a good time with when I was 19 and we've been together for the past two years.

Moral of the story is, don't let yourself be pressured into search for a significant other by outside forces.

 

[EmperorZoltan]

OP: 24 is a great age to get started dating. I'm curious, is there any particular reason you've yet to be in a relationship? Active choice, lack of opportunity, shyness, super high standards? I'm not judging, but it's important to understand more about you before providing any kind of advice. What works for one person does not necessarily work for another, and some context would assist.

Before we get into anything like that, you should know there's nothing wrong with waiting till after your teenage years to experience relationships. You don't need to feel pressured or ashamed at being a little older before experiencing it, and there's no magic switch that flicks when it happens that changes who you are. You're the same person before and after, and putting it on a pedistal isn't the right way to look at it.

Thanks.

Shyness, lack of opportunity. Some personal issues that I don't want to talk about that in this thread.

Sounds like you need to start making your own opportunities. We grow exposed to so many fairy tales from TV, movies, comics, etc, we often forget that fiction is not the same as reality, especially when it comes to relationships. In fiction, life happens to the characters, they react and 9/10 times everything works out like magic for them. This is not how the real world works. Everyone has their own skills and weaknesses, and everyone has to work hard at one thing or another when it comes to life. What comes naturally to one does not apply to another, and relationships are no exception.

If I could offer some advice, don't go out there looking to get into a relationship, get out there and work on your confidence. When dealing with relationships, you need to go with Baby steps and you want to be careful to avoid bad experiences. Manage your expectations and set smaller goals to start with, for example I'd recommend you start by just expanding your social circle and pushing your comfort zone a bit. Try some new activities that interest you, like a sport or something creative that you've always meant to do (like art or music), and get involved in a community around this new hobby with same age people and make some new friends. The reason for this is simple: you want to become more confident in showing new people whom you are. It doesn't matter if you're awkward or shy or a bit weird, the goal of this isn't to change your personality to suit some arbitrary expectation society has. It's to become more comfortable with showing new people who you are. This is KEY to getting involved in a relationship in the real world, and once you have the confidence to share whom you are you'll find that others will start reacting to you.

This is you happening to life. You're creating opportunities to meet new people, form new relationships and redefine yourself as you want. Give that a shot and take it from there, get your confidence up and you will get a result!

 

[Strazdas]

You know with all these lonely & looking people, does the Escapist need it's own dating section? Or would that be an absolutely horrible idea?

Forum posts go like a viruse - in uncontroller bursts. couple weeks ago somone posted a post about relationship and now they spring like mushrooms after a rain. it will get fatigued and forgotten in a couple weeks when the next big topic sprouts out.
A escapist dating site wouldnt be that bad of an idea, after all we already all got one thing in common - games. however the vast demographic dispersity may create some problems, as in people would end up finding thier partners across the globe.
You know what they said, your perfect partner exists somewhere, but its likely so far away youll never meet him in your life.

Less whinging and moping about on the internet, more hanging out with co-workers, joining clubs or sport teams, and going to the bar on weekends.

Coworkers suck or are way above my level, not itnerested in any clubs or sports, avoid bar like plague, especially when there are drunks in the weekend. your theory only works for stereotype "brodude" pretty much.

However, opening up makes others want to open up and that is how you get closer to people, make friends, and start relationships.

First of all i love your nickname.
Opening up can also break friends and end relationship. Whenever i opened up people ran away from me. once - litteraly. In fact, she quickly left country. that was... odd.
And no, its harder doing it than thinking about it, because when your thinking you imagine the responses, nothing like they are in real world.
And yes, some people, for example me, are broken.

Hm, interesting. Why? I wonder how you can explain this one without making it sound as if "not crossing" is somehow "inferior".

I think it was more in a perspective of those who have never crossed wouldn't know what the road is like.

 

[not_you]

21... And I am in the same shoes as you... (except I'm male)
never had a date, never gone out with a girl... etc, etc...

Not due to a lack of trying, but I assume because I'm not doing it right...
Whatever the "right" way to do so is, is beyond me...

So, I can't say that I can answer either of your questions...
Although I DO find it rather helpful to know that I'm not the only one who has gone nowhere and achieved nothing...

Now let's get back to playing Outlast...

 

[ShipofFools]

21... And I am in the same shoes as you... (except I'm male)
never had a date, never gone out with a girl... etc, etc...

Not due to a lack of trying, but I assume because I'm not doing it right...
Whatever the "right" way to do so is, is beyond me...

So, I can't say that I can answer either of your questions...
Although I DO find it rather helpful to know that I'm not the only one who has gone nowhere and achieved nothing...

Now let's get back to playing Outlast...

Lots of lonely hearts on the Escapist...
Just so you know, I love you all.
Yes I do.

And I hope all of you find that special someone that will finally complete you. You know what I'm talking about.

If you guys and galz ever want to talk with a non judgmental stranger about these issues, just give me a PM. I'll be happy to listen.

*Hugs for everyone*.

 

[Multi-Hobbyist]

My god, the amount of coddling ITT is off the charts.

OP, I don't think I can really add anything to the conversation that hasn't been said already, so I'll off my own subjective view. I'm 22 as of last week, just came out of a 4 year relationship with the love of my life whom I drove away by being a selfish child and atrocious abomination of a person. After realizing what I lost, I can only say don't get sucked into a serious relationship before you're 25. Give yourself time to get out there and explore people/life while you're young. Because you may regret it when you hit 30+. And let me say, no one likes the older people in clubs/social fests trying to catch up to their youth that they missed out on. Just ... don't live in regret, it makes it harder to laugh at who you are and the world around you. And if you can't do that, you're gonna go off the deep end. I almost did.

 

[SuperUberBob]

I am 24 years old. My cousins around my age are married and have children by now. But I have never had a boyfriend or had my first kiss (if that was ever important) yet. I have never met someone I like, or someone who like me.

I used to not care about this because I think doing it as a teenager is rushed, but now that I am 24 I am starting to feel the pressure. Even if I don't expect to find the one yet I wish I had at least some experience with dating. Maybe I'm rushing but it feels like I am living the life of a retired old lady sometimes, I never "go out" or anything. I want to experience youth.

I'm just wondering if anyone here have ideas or insights about people who didn't lose their virginity as a teenager. When did you get your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Did it matter to you when it happened?

captcha: groundhog day. I've been getting that one a lot lately.

Lost mine to a girl who worked at a ping-pong club in Thailand. She was crazy. I won't go into details as they would only be appealing to single guys in their 20's.

As you can imagine, I didn't hold the experience as particularly important.

You're your own person. Don't force yourself to have sex because society says you should.

Lots of lonely hearts on the Escapist...
Just so you know, I love you all.
Yes I do.

And I hope all of you find that special someone that will finally complete you. You know what I'm talking about.

If you guys and galz ever want to talk with a non judgmental stranger about these issues, just give me a PM. I'll be happy to listen.

*Hugs for everyone*.

If you really want to help, then take Louis CK's advice:

 

[Johnny Impact]

(I hate children, always have)

That's because they ain't yours

Heard that before. You're confusing hate with mild dislike. What most people feel for the children of others is mild dislike. What I feel is true hatred -- frothing shoulder-hunching fist-clenching psychotic rage that lasts as long as the child is near. I mean the kind of hatred that would scare Palpatine.

My one consolation when listening to some brat go thermonuclear at the grocery store is knowing I personally do not have to take that screaming snot-drenched sack of uselessness home with me, that if I make it through the next two minutes without kicking its miserable skull in, the parent will take it away.

When they're yours, they never go away. There is no force in this universe or any other which could compel me to become a parent. I would kill my children, there is no doubt in my mind. I'm actually kind of surprised I've never killed anyone else's. Go ahead and label me an unfeeling monster or whatever, I will wear the badge with pride.