"...but we're just friends"

[ComicsAreWeird]

Riiiiight intooooo tha Friend Zawn! Sorry...needless Top Gun reference.

I had this happen to me a few times too. After i became friends with a few girls, they wouldnt want to be more than friends. So, i decided to become proactive when i met someone i was attracted to. It has worked well for me ever since. I made a move on my current girlfriend as soon as i understood there was some chemistry between us. It´s been going on pretty well so far...we´ve been dating for 2 years. I guess it´s a matter of timing.

But of course, this doesnt apply to every girl. Some may tell you you dont want to move things "too fast". That´s bound to happen a couple of times. But as some people say: "No pain, no gain".

 

[katsumoto03]

I don't think I've ever been rejected when asking a girl out.

Sure, they might break up with me a few weeks later, (or more likely I'll get sick of them and dump them 6 months later) but I don't think I've ever been denied straight up.

Sorry, didn't mean to rub that in anyone's face. Just saying that there's hope. If I can do it, so can you.

Oops, you dropped your purple hat.

 

[p3t3r]

here is a tip kids don't try and be their friends if you don't want to be their friends. if you want to be their boyfriends then try and be their boyfriends. ask them out after a week or two not after a month or two and not after a year or two.

 

[Fetzenfisch]

Your post above just seemed like all the "lets be friends" girls are in constant fear every man around might spontanously grow fur, teeth and a boner, hunting everything that looks remotely female. I think in most cases its just a polite rejection.

I've giving you one main reason why rejection is made as polite as possible, instead of "What? Get lost, you little wimp." But yeah, most guys aren't threatening, but it takes only obssessive or forceful asshole to get dangerous.

I've seen one of my female pals get in such a situation, the guy just wouldn't understand and he would threaten her by saying that if he can't have her, nobody wouldn't. She really had to word her rejection carefully, and even feigned being his friend until the semester was over and she could move away.

While the "little wimp/ugly nerd/ laughable excuse for a real man" thing is way more probable.
But i am not saying you are wrong. But its not usually the kind of people OP mentioned. Your motivation here is of course utilized in a lot of cases like the drunk bulky idiot in a bar or people like that. Usually not the nerdy niceguy goodfriend kind of boy.

 

[WingedIncubus]

But i am not saying you are wrong. But its not usually the kind of people OP mentioned. Your motivation here is of course utilized in a lot of cases like the drunk bulky idiot in a bar or people like that. Usually not the nerdy niceguy goodfriend kind of boy.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BewareTheNiceOnes

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Ptitleutvwuc2h?from=Main.BitchInSheepsClothing

These boys tend to accumulate grievances and frustrations because they don't want to get beat up by jocks, get grounded by their parents, or fuss anyone, and when they reach the breaking point, they can get very angry and upset. Women know that, and that is why they attempt to spare their feelings as much as possible.

I'm not saying that women act like sociopaths just for the sake of it and that they don't care at all about their feelings. I am sure the vast majority of women are genuinely touched and pained. That said, their primary objective is to defuse the situation and get things under control to preserve their own safety first.

 

[Thaliur]

...Just wondering

Being a site of nerds (I mean that in a good way) I'm wondering if any of you have had this situation

Being the cuddly, shy, kindhearted souls we are (well some of us are *cough*)

Why is it that EVERY girl I have ever talked to... goes like this...

"I like you, you're nice, funny, kind, and anyone would be very lucky to have you"
(quickly followed up by)
"...but we're JUST friends, okay?"
(2/3 of the time)
"You're like a brother to me..."

...soo am I the only one that wonders "well if all that is true why doesn't anyone try to give me a chance instead of pulling the 'friend' card every time?"

sorry starting to rant

In Short: Has anyone else had this situation?

(and yeah it ticks me off that after all that stuff they say they go out with a total dick saying "I can change him, he's nice deep down")

EDIT: Crap... did this become a "Hot Thread" while I was asleep? because I had 12 quotes here when I woke up... *grumbles*

It's not like that all the time. I used to think the same way, but I started a relationship with a girl on campus after a year of really good friendship. It started slow (cuddling, kissing) and after a week she broke up because she thought I might love her too much and she didn't want to break my heart if we stayed together and it didn't work out, because she would not be able to forgive herself for that. We stayed friends though, and after a week she changed her mind. Now we've been together for more than two years, almost constantly seeing each other (we lived almost next door for a year and then moved in together).
Apparently, the best friends/lovers mix does indeed work in some cases, so it can't be a universal truth.

Somehow that way of thinking must have started though. It might have gone the same way with us if she hadn't shown some initiative herself.

 

[RanD00M]

I haven't gotten really close to anyone as a friend for a bout a year, or two even. Which means that I am pretty unlikely to have had this problem.

 

[Rachel317]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

Speaking from a female perspective (of course, this won't work with ALL girls), I prefer to be friends first, because then I can judge what taking the next step would be like. I really believe that the "I want to be friends" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuses are absolutely rubbish.
To put it bluntly, if a girl says this, she's just not interested in a romantic relationship, whether that's because you're not her type, she doesn't find you attractive, whatever.

I don't know one girl who has gotten into a relationship with a guy who is a mere acquaintance, because a certain degree of trust usually needs to be established for a girl to commit.
If you're friends with a girl and you both like each other, it WILL happen. There won't be any of this "we're friends" rubbish, because the next logical step from a platonic friendship is a romantic relationship. Love usually comes from compatibility, so if you're friends, you're able to forge a deep connection from the off.

It's just like...how "the spark" is a term made up by guys so they can have sex with someone. It's all a charade!

OP: All that's happening is that you just haven't found a good enough girl yet.
I'm sorry if it upsets you or whatever, but "we're just friends" is a lame excuse so that she can duck out of having to say "not interested" and avoid hurting your feelings so that she doesn't look like the bad guy.

How much easier would it be if girls were forthright and honest? If I like or don't like someone (in general or romantically), they damn well know about it. I get so sick of mind games, and I think girls play them to their full effect. At least you know if a guy just wants sex. Women can play games to expand their own egos, out of resentment, out of pure malice...

Not saying only girls act this way, and only guys act that way, there are exceptions to every rule, so I don't mean to offend anyone who's not like this, I'm just generalising to make a point.

 

[WingedIncubus]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

I don't remember saying "don't be friends". I remember saying "don't be a wimp", assume your desires, and don't use friendship as a way to supplicate for a relationship from a girl or a woman.

 

[Direwolf750]

its due to a general sense that psychologically, women tend to be more attracted to people who they see as dangerous, or mysterious.

Not necessarily, they are attracted to men who are sexual threats, yeah, but who can also fulfill their needs of protection and support. They want men who can assure their safety and take care of their emotional needs.


"Nice guys" can only provide support, but generally fail to elicit sexual stimuli and feelings of protection and security, and so they make excellent providers to raise kids - and sometimes other guys' kids.

If you quote me, don't cut off my quote half way. I said that this is not always the case, merely that it has been observed that it is a trend.

In addition, there are other ways the women view men, not necessarily sexually. Where this trend was observed with was viewing pictures. Men that ranked high in sexual desirability tended to be ranked lower in long term relationship desirability. These men tended to be in darker lighting, more deviant clothing, and as a general rule, a more dangerous atmosphere in the picture.

Nicer looking men in nicer pictures tended to be ranked lower in sexual desirability, and higher in long term relationship desirability.

 

[WingedIncubus]

If you quote me, don't cut off my quote half way. I said that this is not always the case, merely that it has been observed that it is a trend.

I'll quote whatever I feel like quoting, when I feel it's relevant to the point I want to make.

 

[Direwolf750]

If you quote me, don't cut off my quote half way. I said that this is not always the case, merely that it has been observed that it is a trend.

I'll quote whatever I feel like quoting, when I feel it's relevant to the point I want to make.

Then your post has little to no validation. You cut what I said in half, then proceeded to say that I was wrong, where I explained what I was saying was not always the case later in the the post. Don't bother contradicting something already that has already been explained. You're just wasting time.

 

[WingedIncubus]

Then your post has little to no validation. You cut what I said in half, then proceeded to say that I was wrong, where I explained what I was saying was not always the case later in the the post. Don't bother contradicting something already that has already been explained. You're just wasting time.

Read above.

That you find it a waste of your time is the least of my concern, really. Don't like it, don't read it.

 

[WOPR]

I wonder if this thread is what caused the female rant next door...

I was just wondering the same thing.

The female rant next door came first

but I didn't see it until after I posted this

 

[Flare Phoenix]

Any girl who lists reasons why they would so obviously want you, and then follows it with a declaration that they don't want you even though you never asked them if they did want you is a presumptious *****.

I did tell them I like them
then they go into that long rant
and it has happened EVERY time
...friends or not
and if we weren't friends we become friends from it

so what have I learned?

Tell the girl you like here and you're friends for life

Well then maybe the problem is with you. I don't know, but bitching to a group of strangers on the internet isn't going to help matters. Why do people think there is some magical solution out there to get girls that they just were never taught... like there was a "How to get Girls 101" lesson in school they somehow missed?

Asking for advice can come from any median, and why not from a place where he feels he can speak to people of like mind? So calm the fuck down.

However, I do agree with you on one thing, it probably is him.

OP: You just need to stop being so buddy buddy with them. Women have a tendancy to categorize guys into two groups pretty quick... dudes they will be intimate with, and dudes they won't. And jumping from the won't category into the will category is a tough one. You just need to change the way you interact with them from the beginning, and there are tons and tons of places online you can get an example from, there are even quite a few threads on this site that discuss these things. Just do some research.

I got no problem with people asking for advice. It's just his general whining of "It's impossible for me to get a girlfriend because every girl will make me her friend the instant I tell her I like her". Unless he's actually asked out every girl on the planet, he really cannot say that.

 

[Blitzwarp]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

I don't remember saying "don't be friends". I remember saying "don't be a wimp", assume your desires, and don't use friendship as a way to supplicate for a relationship from a girl or a woman.

So what you're saying is, you can't be friends with someone you're attracted to? Nonsense. Not in all cases of course, but in the majority. Attraction is what begins a relationship, friendship and camaraderie is what makes it last.

 

[MelziGurl]

I have plenty of male friends (nerds included) who I see having the best personalities, but nothing that attracts me to them past the point of being their friend. I can think about it, try to convince myself to see more but it just doesn't happen. Also, being that I have not long come out of a relationship with a gamer, I'm just not attracted to anyone who might value their console more than a relationship.

 

[KissofKetchup]

Too many fucking times....way too many times has that happened to me

 

[WingedIncubus]

So what you're saying is, you can't be friends with someone you're attracted to? Nonsense. Not in all cases of course, but in the majority. Attraction is what begins a relationship, friendship and camaraderie is what makes it last.

If I am attracted to a woman and I aim to date/sleep/have a relationship with her, then no I do not want to be her friend. I don't sex up my friends, unless she's a f-buddy or we are clear that we are friends with benefits. I'm direct that way.

 

[HellspawnCandy]

Snip

Listen, those women are different. They like the group of guys talking to them, once you find one that specifically talks to you(and I mean texts you late at night talking about stuff,wants to hang out with JUST you,etc) then it's legit. Atleast from my standpoint, being in a relationship rocks!