Can men and women be just friends? - proof within

[White_Lama]

I have a friend that's a girl, she's been a real good friend to me for the past... 6-7 years and I wouldn't have sex with her even tough she looks good.

I've also been one of the few guys that can keep friendship going after a breakup in a relationsship and not feel jealous.

 

[Adellebella]

This thread is actually kind of interesting. I, a girl, personally had the misfortune of picking the worst possible interests and career paths for acquiring other female friends. Being one who plays an obsessive amount of video games (like, more than my fiance; to the point where he tells me he doesn't want to play games, he just wants to snuggle), tries to play competitive Magic the Gathering, and took a Computer Science major (I had classes where I was *the only girl there*), I tended to run into less women to befriend than men. In my mind, 90% of the women I meet won't have anything in common with me (and thus won't have much to talk about with me), so I tend to favor platonic relationships with men (you know, so I don't have to pretend to be completely into no-geeky things).

I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM.

I can only hide my geeky so long, and then FUS RO DAH OH GOD.

Please be my friend. D:

OT:

I think guys and girls can be "just friends"...But apparently all girls do, and we're oblivious.

- I've had "friends" just be my "friend" because they want to boink me.

- I've had long-term friends begin to love me more then a friend should, and it hurts our friendship.

- I've also had friends who I suspect have feelings for me, but they don't let it get in the way of our friendship.

- Then there's the guys who think I'm cool, and we're friends.

- Oh, and my gay friend, Jon.

I have also been guilty of the above situations (except the gay part). I think it depends on how you initially meet. If the only reason you talked to the girl is because you were attracted in a sexual way, then it'll probably end up with "more then friends" feelings...

 

[necromanzer52]

Well, I don't think I have any female friends, that I wouldn't rather be dating.

That's just how it is, really. 99% of the time, when I meet a woman, and start getting to know her, I'm trying to get into a relationship with her. Unfortunately, women don't seem to think the same way.

 

[Gmans uncle]

I'm a dude, and 80% of my real life friends are girls, most of whom are single, none of whom I've ever hit on.
But then again I'm bisexual with a strong male preference, so perhaps I'm a bad example...

 

[Mallefunction]

I think that it is just immature college students. I have had plenty of friends of the opposite sex and never once has there been an issue where one person secretly wants to have sex with the other. Then again that may be because very few of my friends are actually single.

Currently living with three guys. One is gay and the other two have their own crushes. They see me as more of their, "PLZ EXPLAIN TO ME THIS STRANGE FEMALE BEHAVIOR EXHIBITED BY MY COWORKERS AND CRUSHES" person of the household.

So yeah, totally possible.

 

[plugav]

What they're saying in the video is that if I find a female friend attractive, it automatically makes me a creep who acts friendly because he secretly wants sex. And that's just insulting.

Plus, they're operating on the assumption that all men are attracted to women, which, if you think about it (and they probably haven't), is very homophobic.

 

[Rutskarn]

Will the male have sexual thoughts about his friend? Hell yes.

Hell, no. I mean, if they're particularly attractive, maybe, but the fact is I haven't the fainetst interest in having sex with many women on this planet, some of whom are my friends.

If you were friends with Rosie O'Donnell, how often would you secretly fantasize about nailing her?

 

[SnakeoilSage]

I've been "just friends" with a woman for ten years, and we've stayed friends even through some bitter fights and even as I've pursued romantic relationships with other women. We're not interested in each other in anything but a platonic way.

 

[Firia]

So, the age old question of "can Men and Women be just friends" needs an asterisk, because yes- they can be. That asterisk would read "Heterosexual men and heterosexual women." If you get people of opposition sexual interest in one room, they can be friends. A gay man and a straight woman? Totally yes! A gay woman and a straight man? Urges or not, friends is as far as that goes.

 

[Dogstile]

I just love the denial of the women in the video and the people in this Thread.

Out of curiosity, even if I were to deny it with an argument, would you just chalk it up to denial or would you actually consider my point? Because starting out with a statement like that say's that you've already made your mind up, so I thought you'd <that should have said i'd instead of you'd, damn ask.

Anyway OP: Sexual thoughts does not mean that you can't just be friends, so long as you don't act on them.

Yes, as most everyone I am very sure that my oppinion could just aswell be a fact. But if you do have some kind of reasonable line of thought, not just anecdotic ''proof'' be my guest to prove me wrong, I've noticed you around and you seem like a cool person, so go ahead.

But, regarding your statement to the OP:

That's the thing though, that isn't being JUST Friends. That's being Friends where one wouldn't object to sex if they weren't superficial reasons against it. I don't tend to ever have any sexual thoughts about my same-sex friends. THAT is the actual point that atleast I am trying to make, it's a different thing and people shouldn't pretend like it's no ''big'' deal. That is pretty much asking for a love triangle.

Eh, the only points I have are anecdotal evidence as I actually can't recall any studies on the subject and i'm assuming this study doesn't count either due to the way it's presented. But thanks anyway, you answered my question

 

[Frankster]

Oh come the bloody hell on! Being friends with the opposite gender isn't an exceptional feat nor does there have to be anything sexual (though if it happens, it happens, but thats not the point).

I'm glad I had a period of my life in France, guys and gals have a more relaxed relationship there then in other countries it seems, and boy/girl friendships aren't something that unusual.

I mean heck, out of my best friends, 3 are female and 1 of them i consider practically my sister. In one case, my female friend is incredibly attractive, yet for some reason i never fancied her (nor her me, but thats more easily explained: im an ugly barstard), i mean damn, we even MASSAGE each other (its one of the things we have in common, we are both amateur masseuses ^^) and though other ppl sometimes look at us funny, we dont give a damn.

 

[Embz]

-snip-

I totally agree! I also did a degree in computer science and would often be the only girl in the class. Id have been pretty lonely and miserable for the past three years if girls and guys couldn't be *just* friends. I was also with my boy friend all through university and he had no problem with me having other male friends. We even all meet up now to have lan parties and movie nights.
I have the same problem with girl friends also. The only girl friends I have is my sister and two friends from when I was in school. Not many girls share my interests and I have also often wondered who would be my bridesmaids if I got married XD

 

[BrionJames]

First off, kudos on having the confidence on being so open an honest about your own life on the webspace, its not something a lot of people are comfortable with and feel the need to emphasise my appreciation when people do.

I have only to say that your feelings for the other girl may on some level been influenced by the risk involved in said situation, making it more interesting than it may otherwise may of been. Add in the grass is always greener side of things and i entirely think you made the right decision.

None of that matters because i know what its like to make a call like that and keep second guessing it, nothing anybody says will be able to stop you wondering.

Im rambling, hope this made a modicum of sense though.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I would go into my other relationship woes but fear that it would be long in the tooth. You may be right about the risk, but I always felt in inexplicable connection with her even before we revealed our feelings to each other. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

 

[cora mcstrap]

I'd be pretty lonely if they couldn't. most of my friends r men

 

[lumenadducere]

Immature/horny college students. Some of my closest friends have been women, with no romantic feelings on either side - hell, one of 'em was my ex, and after we broke up she was my best friend before we moved apart. And no, I wasn't interested in her.

Plus, we have no way of knowing whether or not the guys who made that video edited out the guys who answered with a "yes" when asked. It's very specifically aimed at stating their opinion.

In my not-so-humble opinion anyone who answers "no" to that question has a very shallow view of sexuality - particularly male sexuality - and needs to grow up and meet more people.

 

[derbt]

Most of my friends are male. There have been instances where they've gotten crushes on me, but they all appear to have moved on (I can only assume so, of course, but they've had or still have girlfriends after their crushes on me). My best friend in the world is, in fact, a heterosexual male, and he's always been up front with me about his emotions, and did in fact tell me when he had feelings for me.

I'm not saying I'm particularly amazing, for the record, just that I met most of my friends at high school. Emotions run pretty high, and everyone seems to be in love with everyone...

Really, though, I am capable of enjoying the company of men in both platonic and romantic settings. In fact, I usually prefer male company, because I tend to have more in common with guys, and there's far less competition. With my female friends, there tend to be more arguments.

As to all the guys who are saying that sexual attraction is normal and healthy... Yes it is, but it's not just you. I can happily be 'just friends' with men I think are sexually attractive; I can admire their physique without ever wanting to pursue anything more than friendship. I can think about them in a blatantly sexual way, but still not actually want a romantic relationship with them. To be completely honest, I can think of *any* man in a sexual context (excluding close relatives - not because I physically couldn't, but because the notion disgusts me). Girls get sexual urges too. ;P

 

[Catrixa]

This thread is actually kind of interesting. I, a girl, personally had the misfortune of picking the worst possible interests and career paths for acquiring other female friends. Being one who plays an obsessive amount of video games (like, more than my fiance; to the point where he tells me he doesn't want to play games, he just wants to snuggle), tries to play competitive Magic the Gathering, and took a Computer Science major (I had classes where I was *the only girl there*), I tended to run into less women to befriend than men. In my mind, 90% of the women I meet won't have anything in common with me (and thus won't have much to talk about with me), so I tend to favor platonic relationships with men (you know, so I don't have to pretend to be completely into no-geeky things).

NO, we can't be ''just'' friends, it's always going to be in that wierd place where it generally shouldn't be, those feelings will be too strong and rather inappropriate for a ''friendship'' between men and women. That is precisely the reason why, as a Boyfriend, you have to make those male ''friends'' fuck right off

And, because of where I am in life right now (just left college and am trying to piece together some kind of career), were I dating you, I would have 0 friends outside a small number I know over the internet (i.e. no one to hang out with, because none of them live in the same area). Hell, I'm having trouble trying to come up with a list of just a few women to be my bridesmaids, and my 'maid of honor' is actually a man of honor. I personally cannot physically imagine not having male friends. Even if I found a good group of only female friends with similar interests, I imagine some of their friends would be male. And people usually like hanging out in large groups.

As for sexual thoughts? Anyone can have sexual thoughts. Women can have sexual thoughts (really, it's not that uncommon). Hell, people have violent and masochistic thoughts (those aren't uncommon either), we just don't talk about them. The question is: would you ever act on those thoughts?

I'm going to abuse your post as a jumping off point. K?

So, hypothetical situation, I'm your boyfriend, I know, you've already come to the conclussion that I am in fact a asshole, but actually I'm not, I'm just not blind to the world.

So, you said the following about yourself:

You majored in Computer Sciences - I'm a Coder, not the same, but atleast you'll know what I'm talking about when I ***** about not being able to get that new SALTing Method I've been working on to work (or atleast I assume you'd get it, if not, with a little further explanation you certainly would).

You play sooooo many Video Games - I sincerly doubt you'd be able to top my possible Video Game intake, however, even so, aslong as you don't ignore all the time, I'd be fine with that.

You play Magic - What a coincidence, I used to play Magic too, it's been a long time, so you would even get to teach me how to play it again, infact, even if I initially didn't give the slightest shit about Magic, I'd give it a shot, because afterall we are talking about my hypothetical girlfriend that I hypothetically love.

Now, to what I probably should have mentioned. Male friends aren't generally taboo or something, all I would accomplish with that would be pushing you away from me and closer to said friends. No, whats taboo are male friends that I don't know, ergo, that I haven't been able to evaluate. But, considering all the things above, your friends would rather likely also end up being my friends.

Now get this, my Girlfriend has pretty much nothing in common with you. She isn't really into gaming, she isn't a computer buff and she doesn't like card games. Despite being such a asshole, I apply myself to her nonetheless. I'm not really interested in what she is studying, but I still try to understand it so that we can talk about it and I can give her feedback. I find the sole game she plays, the sims, boring. But hey, she loves showing off the houses she builds so I take a look at them...and in general, hard to believe, I know, I actually give a shit. Thus, my girlfriend doesn't need to look for male best friends, she get's what she needs from me and I encourage her to tell me if she doesn't.

Another thing that I've noticed that women don't seem to get. It would really be stupid to just let you hang out with any other guy and just not give a fuck. Why? Less because of you, more because of him and the fact that we know, or atleast should know, that he's actually a slimey bastard who will jump at the first chance to get in your pants.

''Oh, but he isn't like that!''

Well duh, it would rather severly hurt his chances if he would let you notice it. And even if he really is just a stand up guy. You don't blindly trust someone of your sex to get so close to your partner. Letting someone get too close gives them opportunity to torpedo the relationship if they want and further their own means. Simply allowing that to happen means that you either didn't care enough for your partner in the first place...or you're just really fucking stupid.

And here I had this lovely reply all typed and everything, then my laptop decided that it was too good for its wireless card. Gonna try again, I guess.

To start off: it's hard for me to make a determination of whether or not you're an asshole from just one post. Yeah, I had some strong feelings about the contents of that post, but given your reply, I don't actually think you're an asshole.

I do share a lot of male friends with my fiance. Some of my friends are from high school, though, and he doesn't know them very well. He has some female friends from his high school days and some work friends that I don't know very well, or at all. We both think it's healthy to have our own personal relationships outside the ones we share, although neither of us are against hanging out with each other's friends or something.

Now, I'll be the first to admit: I don't have a lot of experience with relationships. I haven't had tons of them, and I've never really had any with too many trust issues. As far as I know, my fiance hasn't either, so we're both sort of naive about it. But I do believe that trust is the absolute most important thing, hands down. I don't think I have any right to preach to you, but I guess... just be careful before accusing someone (be it the male friend or your girlfriend). It takes two to cheat.