Comedian Quotes
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Mitch Hedberg-
My fake plant died because I did not pretend to water it.
I was here in 1998 and I performed here and I had a pretty good set, people laughed a lot. But they didn't bring me back for three years now. So tonight I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe that will get me back next year.
When it comes to racism, people say "I dont care if theyre black, white, purple or green." Hold on now, purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people, unless theyre suffocating. Then help them.
My fake plant died because I did not pretend to water it.
I was here in 1998 and I performed here and I had a pretty good set, people laughed a lot. But they didn't bring me back for three years now. So tonight I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe that will get me back next year.
When it comes to racism, people say "I dont care if theyre black, white, purple or green." Hold on now, purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people, unless theyre suffocating. Then help them.
"It's hard to be a stud. It's fuckin' easy, to be a slut"
-Jim Jefferies
another good one is "Panda's are goin fuckin extinct because they won't fuck each other! Put me in a cage with anything, and after a week I'll fuck it".
-Jim Jefferies
another good one is "Panda's are goin fuckin extinct because they won't fuck each other! Put me in a cage with anything, and after a week I'll fuck it".
"Our president is a Texas oil man we're paying 3 dollars a gallon for it. We're fucking retarded"
"Always got the drunk driving lecture, the drunk driving lecture...probably because I fell into a bonfire."
"Women in general SUCK at raising children. Yeah I said it who wants some!?"
*after his dad explained his mother committed suicide and hung up the phone, and then called right back*
"Hey dad did she take anyone else with her?"
"You know that's the same thing I asked!"
all by Chris Tidus
"Always got the drunk driving lecture, the drunk driving lecture...probably because I fell into a bonfire."
"Women in general SUCK at raising children. Yeah I said it who wants some!?"
*after his dad explained his mother committed suicide and hung up the phone, and then called right back*
"Hey dad did she take anyone else with her?"
"You know that's the same thing I asked!"
all by Chris Tidus
Anything by George Carlin.
This one popped into my mind first: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
This one popped into my mind first: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty."-Mitch Hedburg.
And damn near anything that comes out of Titus' mouth.
And damn near anything that comes out of Titus' mouth.
Yea, I met him in person back when my mom's family had their reunion a few years ago. You know the Irish- they've got gigantic families!sharks9 said:
Lol. George Carlin- "Isn't it ironic that the pro-abortionists are the ones you wouldn't want to do in the first place?"
Or my favorite "Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things."
Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'
~ Jim Gaffigan
I do feel guilty at checkout when they?re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy. 'Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I?ll just watch. I?m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat ?em? I?m lookin? for a buddy.'
~ Jim Gaffigan
~ Jim Gaffigan
I do feel guilty at checkout when they?re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy. 'Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I?ll just watch. I?m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat ?em? I?m lookin? for a buddy.'
~ Jim Gaffigan
I have so many stand-up DVD's I can't even remember any of the lines. Stephen K Amos is hilarious though. Or Dara O'Briain.
Daniel Tosh:
"Midgets can vote, but they have no clue who they picked. They're jumping up grabbing levers. And that's the story of how Bush won the election."
"Midgets can vote, but they have no clue who they picked. They're jumping up grabbing levers. And that's the story of how Bush won the election."
Dara O' Briain on proposals:
If I'm ever the father of a girl, and some gonk comes to my house looking for permission, I'm gonna set the fucker tasks! He'll be collecting a fleece by the end of the week."
If I'm ever the father of a girl, and some gonk comes to my house looking for permission, I'm gonna set the fucker tasks! He'll be collecting a fleece by the end of the week."
steve K Amos's "Its a joke...Tell your face" is brilliant if you can adapt it.
Example:
A few months back me & a group of about 7 friends went bowling. So we split over two lanes, The two couples on one side and the singles on the other (read: Nerds (im in this group)). Anyways we arrived @ 22:00, and we thought the alley shut at 00:00...it shut at 23:00...we only JUST got on.
Anyways, Thats the back story.
it gets too about 22:40, and we had finished our game, And the couples were taking longer.
it came up too one of the womens turns, and she was dicking about. After being asked several times by all of us too take her shot as we were running out of time, her bf took the shot for her (him being the best bowler) and got a strike. She threw a strop.
Its a typical rule of thumb that if a couple has a strop with a large (3+) group of friends then whoever in the couple is offended throws an evil glare, Then drops a bollock when theyre alone. Unfortunately she decided that this format wasnt good enough and stropped off down the now empty adgacent lanes, And sat that like you would see a stropping child.
5 mins past and her bf went over too her, said something (lost interest and was in and red mist had decended at her rudeness) and she come back over, Sporting a face like a smacked arse. At which point i uttered the (now immortal amoungst my friends) line
"Hey *name*...Its a happy day, Tell your face" in the same accent that Amos does the beggining of his act.
oh it was funny.
Example:
A few months back me & a group of about 7 friends went bowling. So we split over two lanes, The two couples on one side and the singles on the other (read: Nerds (im in this group)). Anyways we arrived @ 22:00, and we thought the alley shut at 00:00...it shut at 23:00...we only JUST got on.
Anyways, Thats the back story.
it gets too about 22:40, and we had finished our game, And the couples were taking longer.
it came up too one of the womens turns, and she was dicking about. After being asked several times by all of us too take her shot as we were running out of time, her bf took the shot for her (him being the best bowler) and got a strike. She threw a strop.
Its a typical rule of thumb that if a couple has a strop with a large (3+) group of friends then whoever in the couple is offended throws an evil glare, Then drops a bollock when theyre alone. Unfortunately she decided that this format wasnt good enough and stropped off down the now empty adgacent lanes, And sat that like you would see a stropping child.
5 mins past and her bf went over too her, said something (lost interest and was in and red mist had decended at her rudeness) and she come back over, Sporting a face like a smacked arse. At which point i uttered the (now immortal amoungst my friends) line
"Hey *name*...Its a happy day, Tell your face" in the same accent that Amos does the beggining of his act.
oh it was funny.
"Do I look like Pierce Brosnan with a mouth full of sweets?" Michael Mcintyre.Time Travelling Toaster said:This thread was based on a small conversation between me and Insanum on another thread. This is a thread to quote your favourite comedian on whatever topic gets pulled up by someone else and hopefully it actually makes sense about any current situations
I'll start off with a Frankie quote:
No I'm going to see how many fruit pastels it takes to choke a herring.
This is about scientists apparently doing nothing all the time. Feel free to share your quotes as long as there within the guidlines and no search turned up with this subject just favourite comedians.
Great comedian.
"I'd hate to get rug burn during a fire. You mean I have to put up with two kinds of burns now?...and then if someone were to say something sassy to you, that's a triple-burn right there."
"I wanna make an actual tourist trap. 'Oh look, honey, there's donuts.' 'No, don't go in there!'"
"I believe the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades."
-Demetri Martin (my favorite comedian.)
"I wanna make an actual tourist trap. 'Oh look, honey, there's donuts.' 'No, don't go in there!'"
"I believe the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades."
-Demetri Martin (my favorite comedian.)
"There's a message to my stand up. It's subtle, but it's there. That message is to bring the troops home. Bring them home tomorrow, and continue the war here. Let the soldiers sleep in their own beds, with their families, have a good breakfast. Drive to war. We could hold it in Nebraska. We don't need that horrible state. Ever been to Omaha? 15 minutes there and I'm praying for a tornado to pick my ass up out of there. No wonder there are storm-chasers. That's why everyone is so fat there, they need to be, or else they would get picked up off the ground. And yes, I tell that joke in Nebraska. I look right at them while I do it. They get mad, but their so fat it's like "I'm gonna get you, but not right now. Waitress, get me another bucket of fried mayonnaise, this stuff is deeee-licious."
-Daniel Tosh
-Daniel Tosh
Here's a few of my favourite from Stewart Lee
"Anyone involved in football, or who supports a team, or who watches it on the telly is VILE REACTIONARY SCUM"
"Gary Linkerer is sexual aroused by obese children dying"
"Gaelic: lic meaning language or tounge, so it is literaly language of the gays" (note he said this in Scotland, after a 5 minute rant about how William Wallace is gay.)
"It's funny how Osama Bin Laden is more popular than Ben Elton, probably because he lives his life to a consistent set of principles"
"Anyone involved in football, or who supports a team, or who watches it on the telly is VILE REACTIONARY SCUM"
"Gary Linkerer is sexual aroused by obese children dying"
"Gaelic: lic meaning language or tounge, so it is literaly language of the gays" (note he said this in Scotland, after a 5 minute rant about how William Wallace is gay.)
"It's funny how Osama Bin Laden is more popular than Ben Elton, probably because he lives his life to a consistent set of principles"
A Jason Manford quote just since I forgot about this thread 
I can't remember it exaclty so bare with me.
I went into Liverpool while wearing a Manchester City top and couldn't find the Liver building (not sure if this was it ?), so I asked the first guy I saw and he *pulls a strange face* which in Liverpool is a word and then says "Ae, what you doin' here? Your scum ain't welcome in Liverpoooooooooooooooooool." To which I replyed "I'm sorry officer but thats just not right."
That sounds shit in text form :|
I can't remember it exaclty so bare with me.
I went into Liverpool while wearing a Manchester City top and couldn't find the Liver building (not sure if this was it ?), so I asked the first guy I saw and he *pulls a strange face* which in Liverpool is a word
and then says "Ae, what you doin' here? Your scum ain't welcome in Liverpoooooooooooooooooool." To which I replyed "I'm sorry officer but thats just not right." That sounds shit in text form :|