Darkly funny quotes

[mikeli4194]

Speaks for itself. What are some quotes or sayings you've heard (or even come up with, you clever person, you!) that are not only funny, but also carry the hint of dark comedy?
I'll give some examples

"Why yes...a bulletproof vest." - James Rodges, murderer, on his final request before the firing squad

"Erotic is using the feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken"

 

[Cabisco]

Any word ever uttered by Malcolm Tucker from the tv series The Thick of it. For example, this is Tuckers law:

"If some **** can fuck something up, that **** will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up cause that ****'s a ****."

Now i've reread your post, I see you put 'hint' of dark not napalm the shit outta it.

 

[Ed130 The Vanguard]

Light a fire and you keep a man warm for a day, SET a man on fire and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life.

 

[Geo Da Sponge]

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me."

"Some times it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness."

"If there is a God running the Universe, I think it is the duty of every sentient being to become his moral better."[footnote]Or words to that effect, I can't remember the quotation perfectly.[/footnote]

I think Terry Pratchett is going to get quoted a lot in this thread...

 

[Death Carr]

Spoiler: may trigger some people

"Dark humour just isn't some peoples cup of liquified dead baby"

 

[Aris Khandr]

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Both by George Carlin.

 

[chaosbedlam]

"When god gives you lemons you... find a new god."

 

[LadyRhian]

"Erotic is using the feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken"

"Perverted- Dinner afterwards."

 

[LordMithril]

"Incest? They should keep it a family affair."

 

[Estranged180]

"Incest? They should keep it a family affair."

Also: Incest, by Milton Bradley. The game the whole family can play.

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

When life gives you melon's you're probably dyslexic

 

[Headdrivehardscrew]

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

Frank Zappa

 

[rwllay]

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them"

 

[PsychicTaco115]

"I would've gotten away with it too, but it wasn't because of those meddling kids...

I made sure to kill them first!"

 

[Relish in Chaos]

When life gives you lemons, kill yourself because lemons are shit and you wanted chocolate.

 

[Arfonious]

Spoiler: may trigger some people

"Dark humour just isn't some peoples cup of liquified dead baby"

That quote goes quite good with your avatar

 

[BlueKenja]

Any word ever uttered by Malcolm Tucker from the tv series The Thick of it. For example, this is Tuckers law:

"If some **** can fuck something up, that **** will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up cause that ****'s a ****."

Now i've reread your post, I see you put 'hint' of dark not napalm the shit outta it.

Yeah gotta add some more;

"I'll be there in two shakes of a crying baby."

"He's about as much use as a marzipan dildo."

"All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work."

 

[Vegosiux]

"Oh, he got better. His life, on the other hand..."

And of course, the now discredited "I'm sorry, Alice can't answer the phone, she's tied up at the moment." Remember to twirl your handlebar mustache when you say that.

 

[Kungfu_Teddybear]

"The more intelligent the victim, the more delicious the brains"