Dating Blindness

[thespyisdead]

mt social anxiety is one stemming from culture shock, and the bulling i went through, when i moved to finland, and maybe the finnish culture itself.

but if i force myself to start a conversation, and if my partner shares that interest, i find that the conversation just flows...

what it all boils down, is the fear of those awkward silences which kinda inhibit me... even more so with women.

 

[Aurgelmir]

No, the idea is absurd.

Women aren't mysterious alien creatures it's difficult to communicate with. If their signals aren't being received, they can always try different signals.

I suggest changing bands, maybe she is broadcasting on FM and you are AM...
/nerd jokes


But of course you can be "blind" to the signals. Hell two people observing a conversation will end up with two different thoughts on what was going on.

Heck I know people that view ANY reaction from a girl as "she is totally into me" so the opposite must also exist.

 

[Thaluikhain]

But of course you can be "blind" to the signals. Hell two people observing a conversation will end up with two different thoughts on what was going on.

Heck I know people that view ANY reaction from a girl as "she is totally into me" so the opposite must also exist.

That's true, but only up to a point. Spelling things out is generally a good idea anyway.

 

[Suicidejim]

I used to be a bit like that. There was one girl, who I was pretty good friends with, who would regularly flirt with me, hang out with me all the time, constantly tease and compliment me, and we'd hug for about 5 minutes whenever we met up. As far as I was concerned, I liked her, but we were just friends. Then, after maybe two years of this, we met up one day, hugged, and she kissed me, then looked shy and embarrassed, and ran off.

I spent the rest of the week trying to work out if that meant she liked me, or I was just imagining things.

OT: No. If you don't have any experience or practice, just start practicing. Besides, bitches be crazy, I'm sure at least one in the world could fall for said guy and express it in some unmistakable way.

 

[StriderShinryu]

I wouldn't say it's an innate thing that some people can do and some people can't but, that said, there is probably a level to which this sort of thing is true. From a psychological standpoint, this is the sort of situation that's ripe for cotinual self doubt and self sabotage. If you have a date and screw it up horribly, or if you totally misread the signals someone is giving you and you keep dwelling on it, you're just going to get even more nervous about it and and even more convinced that you can't do it. Then, if you end up in that situation again you are more likely to "do it wrong" simply because you're so preoccupied with the thought that you can't do it right. This sort of process can certainly snowball and get even worse with every failure that you partially bring on by your own actions.

It's never a case of literally not being able to do it, but mentally it could certainly seem that way if you let it.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

I sure as hell hope not, because if that's the case then that's pretty much the scenario I'm facing.

EDIT:

To be fair, we are talking about people who wouldn't get the hint if the woman wore a giant neon sign around their neck; they'd ask why she would wear something so uncomfortable and then probably go back about their day.

Oh... never mind. forget what I just said.

 

[senordesol]

Hopeless? I don't think so. A late bloomer, maybe.

I remember there was a girl I liked in High School (who, upon reflection, showed a considerable amount of... something toward me. I don't know, it just seemed she would constantly pop out of nowhere to say 'Hi' to me.), homecoming was coming up (but I had no real interest in going) but just as small talk I asked if she was going and this was her response verbatim: "Probably not, unless someone asks me."

Now I don't know how...'normal' people learn how to read signals but I must have been sick that day because when home coming came and went, suddenly she stopped popping up to say Hi. And my dumb ass never figured out what the problem was...until my Sophomore year of college.

Still, I did manage to learn from my mistakes, I did learn to eventually become a bit more aggressive and BOOM: been with the same girl for 5 years -even somehow tricked her into marrying me if you can believe it.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Hmm well I went to the store with my sister one day and I guess the poor guy behind the counter was trying everything to get my attention and I was just so out of it, I couldn't even fathom why a guy would even want to speak to me. When we left,

my sister said "You know he was trying to flirt with you right?"

To which I replied "WHAT he was!?"

I felt so horrible about it. I'm sorry but I can't hear you from the moon.

 

[The_Waspman]

I'm not talking about someone who socially isolated as in no human contact; this is a person who is able to function normally and everything in everyday life, but they simply don't "get" or unable to respond to any kind of romantic interaction. They like women, and even think about romantic relationships and the like but the actual forming of one and carrying one out appears beyond their ability.

Less "disability" and more along the lines of a cultural/social disconnect, like if you just dumped an American person into Russia, etc.

I'm going to assume you're not talking about yourself here, unless you always talk about yourself in the third person.

I was going to be flippant and contrary to everyone else and say yes, it certainly is, but then I thought I might as well just curl up in a corner and stop breathing, because thats exactly what I'm like. I suck at reading people, but then I suck at giving out signs myself.

On the plus side, there is a woman I've been interested in for like, six years, and I recently figured out that you can just ask them out. OK, so it blew up in my face, but thats what Evanescence and razor blades are for, right?

 

[lumenadducere]

Many of our social interactions are learned things. So if you go a long time without learning those things you're definitely behind the curve, but you are by no means a lost cause. It'll be more awkward to learn and catch up to where others are, but if you just go out and practice then eventually you will gain the knowledge needed.

And yes, I know it's significantly easier said than done, but the general principle applies. And note that I use "you" in the general sense, not referring to any specific person like the OP. It's incredibly hard to make those first initial steps, and continuing afterwards depends on whether or not your first few attempts are successful, but if you stick with it then you'll be okay. Assuming no disorders, there's no such thing as being a "lost cause" unless the person completely gives up and absolutely refuses to engage with other people.

 

[Erana]

I'm not talking about someone who socially isolated as in no human contact; this is a person who is able to function normally and everything in everyday life, but they simply don't "get" or unable to respond to any kind of romantic interaction. They like women, and even think about romantic relationships and the like but the actual forming of one and carrying one out appears beyond their ability.

Less "disability" and more along the lines of a cultural/social disconnect, like if you just dumped an American person into Russia, etc.

I don't get flirting at all, either. Unlike you, I don't crave sex or relatinships, though, so I haven't really put too much effort into trying.

Still, if you're bad with flirting and hints, just approach dating in another way: find someone who you have a mutual appreciation of as people, and ask them out. You know, make friends and have that escalate to a relationship.
Flirting is a tool, but you don't need it.

 

[Ragsnstitches]

There is no depth to flirting. Its the (non rape-y) courting equivalent of a blunt instrument. Though without experience its easy to overlook (due to not being able to identify it in use). The only remedy to inexperience is to go out and experience.

Also, note that recognising flirtation is not something that is 100% accurate ... or even half that. Unless they are all over you and being particularly blatant about their advances, there is always a chance you could be misinterpreting communication. Those advise sites you see on the web and in papers? Yeah, again people aren't made to specifications... there is no perfect way of swooning the ladies (or enrapturing the fellas) that is fail-safe. Put simply, the dating game is a mess of risks, with hope that it will have a fulfilling pay off (which isn't 100% either).

If fulfilment to you is doing the vertical tango or finding your soul partner, does not matter as long as the person you are warming up to shares a similar point of view (otherwise things get messy).

But more importantly... flirting is actually NOT necessary in forging a relationship. If you are not an upfront kind of fellow, flirting might be quite disastrous. Personally I've had more success courting in my day to day life, then actively going out on the prowl, like some love starved predator.

 

[Realitycrash]

If you are used to being rejected or in general not getting hit on by women that often, you might ignore certain otherwise obvious signs, because you just aren't used to reading those signs. But if that is not the case..No, I don't think so.

 

[aestu]

Is it possible for someone, in this case a guy, because of years of no experience/interaction or even significant contact with women, to become so inept and incapable of detecting, responding to flirtation/romantic and/or intimate advances or interacting with women on a non-surface level that you could essentially call them a lost cause or that they'll never be good enough at it to accomplish anything meaningful?

Who knows. Odds are you're just dating women who don't care about you.

Just to note, there are a few caveats: The question is excluding people with actual, diagnosable social or interaction disorders like Aspergers and the like. This question is framed more around the "normal" person who through lack of ability/availability/situation is simply so unpracticed, inhibited etc. that nothing meaningful can be accomplished in any acceptable timeframe.

Aspbergers is grossly overdiagnosed. Legitimate cases are extremely rare.

Stop blaming yourself for other people (the women you're dating) being shallow tools. They're interested, or they're not. And if they are interested and you aren't picking up on it so what?

 

[Xeraxis]

No one can be a "lost cause" just because one has troubles in this type of scenario. It's just that kind of person will struggle more than usual to understand social interaction the right way.

Also...

If you are used to being rejected or in general not getting hit on by women that often, you might ignore certain otherwise obvious signs, because you just aren't used to reading those signs.

I agree with this. Mainly because that describes the way I am when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

[Vault101]

[small/]oh for fucks sake[/small]

stop over thinking it..here's a revolutionary thought

[b/]women are just like you[/b]

Last time I checked I didn't have boobs and a vagina, nor the brain-chemistry altering hormones required to maintain said organs. I wouldn't say women are Just like me.

OP, if there's a girl you like, and you're having trouble interpreting if the feeling is mutual, just suck it up and be direct. The longer you beat around the bush the more stress it causes.

well duuuuuhh

my point was its a much better way to veiw women instead of Alien creatures....because waside from those things are all human/complex induviduals

 

[Paragon Fury]

To answer the question people keeping asking, or more accurately assuming, no, this is not directly about me. I have my own laundry list of problems relating to women, and this really isn't one of them.

This question came up more as one of those "Well, what if....." things.

 

[Bat Vader]

So I've been thinking about something a lot lately ad I'm not sure I can reason out an answer all by myself. I'll save you the story behind the it right now (I'm too tired to type it now), but the question is this:

Is it possible for someone, in this case a guy, because of years of no experience/interaction or even significant contact with women, to become so inept and incapable of detecting, responding to flirtation/romantic and/or intimate advances or interacting with women on a non-surface level that you could essentially call them a lost cause or that they'll never be good enough at it to accomplish anything meaningful?

Just to note, there are a few caveats: The question is excluding people with actual, diagnosable social or interaction disorders like Aspergers and the like. This question is framed more around the "normal" person who through lack of ability/availability/situation is simply so unpracticed, inhibited etc. that nothing meaningful can be accomplished in any acceptable timeframe.

I think that this may apply to me. If someone was to try and flirt with me I would most likely not even know they were flirting with me. One of my fellow college classmates was apparently interested in me but I didn't know it until she told me directly. I don't understand how she could have been interested in me considering she hardly knew me.

 

[Paragon Fury]

I don't think it's possible, I'm proof of this to myself. I had virtually no contact with any women aside from my family for like five years, I eventually started working again, got my life back on track, and then recently I decided to start playing the dating game. I had an awkward start, but after a short while, it became apparent to me that I'm naturally gifted when it comes to socializing with people(not online, online people aren't real, except for me). I can shoot past a lot of barriers in no time.

I'm not saying everybody should be inherently amazing like I am, but it's just a matter of instinct more than anything. Do you have the drive or don't you?

Oh, I've got the drive. But I lost the keys, and the car is currently sitting in my next door neighbor's front hall with a noticeable chunk of their front wall missing.

I think I think the raccoon with the tread marks on it may be related to this somehow.....

 

[Hawk of Battle]

Is it possible for someone, in this case a guy, because of years of no experience/interaction or even significant contact with women, to become so inept and incapable of detecting, responding to flirtation/romantic and/or intimate advances or interacting with women on a non-surface level that you could essentially call them a lost cause or that they'll never be good enough at it to accomplish anything meaningful?

Well, that certainly seems to describe me, aye.

Pretty sure he was describing me too there.