Do you think relationships between close friends can work (and am I in the friend-zone)?

[krazykidd]

a friend that wouldn't want to have sex with you is no true friend .

Go for it ! Best case scenerio , you end up in a relationship , worst case you stop being friends . Pros outweight the cons .

 

[theparsonski]

Well, then I propose you learn a lesson from this: The next time a girl you like feels guilty for "leading you on" when they haven't done so, you can know to be assertive and assure them that was not the case. That way you can be confident of your feelings and own them instead of feeling you need to hide them to protect someone from yourself.

You're probably right, but I still felt at the time that to both continue our friendship (which I wanted to) and protect her feelings, I needed to convince her that a) she didn't lead me on, and b) that it didn't matter anyway because I no longer had a crush on her. Perhaps it ruined everything, and if I'd had some balls in the first place and been honest about my feelings then I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now, but what can I say? Emotions lead to actions, and my emotions led me to those actions.

I didn't say you blamed her for your feelings. I said you blamed her for her feelings. That's what claiming to have been "friend-zoned" is. It's blaming a woman for not being attracted to you. "She friend-zoned me." The very grammar of the expression turns something a person doesn't have control over into an active, volitional verb.

Okay, well when I say friendzone - I don't mean that. I don't for a second blame her for not liking me. If she turned round and told me that she could never ever like me in that way, then sure I would be distraught, and angry, but not with her. Not in a million years. I would be angry at myself for not being the kind of guy who could make her happy in that way, as irrational as that is. I may not be being logical about this, but I'm trying to be honest, and I know that is how I would feel. When I say friendzone, I mean it in the sense that it is a place where people who had the potential to be together with someone end up by their own fault. I'm not saying "How dare she put me in the friendzone?", I'm just asking if I've put myself in there.

Then you're using "love" in it's more trivial sense, in the same way that I might say, "I love spinach curry." Which isn't bad, in and of itself. But you probably shouldn't expect anyone to change their behavior, feelings, or needs as result of you declaring it. I can go into the curry shop and plead, "But I love spinach curry!" but that won't make the owner give me a free dinner. That's why when I say to show your attraction, I say to leave out the "love" declaration.

I firmly believe love (in contrast to attraction) is not a feeling. It's an action. It's a choice. And it should be shown first not by saying it, but by doing it. By putting other people's happiness above your own without expecting a reward. Because when you truly love, you don't need a reward. When you truly love, contributing to another person's happiness makes you happy in and of itself. You don't have to be in a relationship to love her- you could easily love her as a friend. So that's why I say to leave your perceived feelings of love out when you show your attraction to her. Because if you make this big declaration of love, the subtext of what you'd be saying would be: "I used strong words to describe how I feel about you therefore please be attracted to me!" At best this will make you look pitiful and at worst will look like an attempt to guilt her into a relationship she's not comfortable with.

Okay, so I have to disagree with you there. I love the girl that I know in a romantic sense. If a girl is romantically involved with a someone, and she loves him, but it then turns out he is actually nothing like who she thought he was, does that nullify the love she felt for him in the first place? No. It was still love, but for a different person, one that didn't really exist. So sure, this girl could turn out to be a nutter, and completely the opposite of what I know her to be, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love her. Just my opinion.

And I don't know how you got the idea that I'm going to confess my undying love to her! I'm certainly not expecting to go "Hey, I love you to the ends of the earth" and she'll be so dumbstruck that she'll make love to me there and then. And believe me, making her happy does make me happy, especially if she appreciates it, but I'm not doing it for the sole purpose of getting her to like me back. While I want that, obviously, I'm not expecting it to happen or anything; it's more of a dim flickering hope, more than outweighed by a lot of crushing reality.

 

[5ilver]

Can they work? No.
Are you in the friend-zone? If you're asking that question, almost certainly yes.

 

[Terminal Blue]

snip

Can relationships between close friends work

Seriously, this is not the opposition statement you're trying to make it.

The answer is "yes, if you know what it is you actually want from the situation". What do you expect will be different if this girl gets into a relationship with you?

Do you imagine she'll love you more because you socially sanction her feelings with a label? She won't. She'll feel exactly the same way she does now.

Do you want to have sex with her? Well, be honest with yourself that that's what you want. There's nothing wrong with having sex with your friends, it's not going to magically be any less of a loving experience because you're not in a relationship.

Do you find the idea of her being with other people makes you unhappy? Well, that's something you're going to have to work out a solution to whether you're in a relationship or not. Slapping a label on her isn't going to magically stop her ever looking at anyone else again. Take this seriously now and ask yourself if you can really handle it, because otherwise it might creep up on you and kill a perfectly good friendship.

I guess this is the fundamental problem from my perspective. I don't see what you imagine will change if you can talk this girl into a relationship, and I can tell you even if you manage it it probably won't be the catch-all solution you expect it to be. You need to face up to that and be honest about what exactly it is you really want.

Are you in the friend zone?

You answered this question yourself. Your friend is complicated, she is not a fruit machine who you keep pumping kindness coins into until you win her undying love. Real people don't work like that.

It's up to you whether you can deal with this situation, it's not her job to second guess you. What I can say is that if someone not wanting a relationship with you would invalidate your friendship with them, then it wasn't a terribly sincere friendship and you should maybe look at how it got to that stage, but hey.. at the end of the day it's not like you can help how you feel any more than she does, and making mistakes is all part of growing up.

Besides, I don't think that's the case here. Prove me right.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Ride forth valiantly, Brother, or doubt and and thoughts of what could have been shall consume your very thoughts!

/cough

If she really is your friend, then she trusts you to be honest with her, even about yourself, and even IF she'd reject you you'll still have closure about the whole situation.
take it easy, but tear yourself up over it.

as for the friendzone thing, I don't think human emotions are that binary, best not to dwell on it.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

Relationships between close friends absolutely work, but only when both are looking for the same thing, when you may not be.
It doesn't sound to me like she is into you, or she'd probably have said something when she found out that you were crushing on her.
You have a few options, really, you can ask her out, stop being friends with her or just commit to being her friend.
She probably wont change her mind if you've told her you're no longer crushing on her and are just being her friend (you kinda friendzoned yourself there).
Still, go for it. Let her know how you feel.
If she feels the same, cool, if not, at least you were honest about it.

boom this. Either way you get everything out on the table and know how all the parties feel in the situation, and if she doesn't feel the same, well, you can move on to being just friends and finding someone new, or cut that tie.


Bottom line, just be open and mature about it, nothing more awkward then when someone is whiny or trying to corner you into saying something you don't mean/feel.

 

[Woodsey]

"I don't want to ruin our friendship" is just a nice way of saying "I don't want to go out with you". If she is actually interested then she'll go for it.

So yeah, go nuts.

 

[Azure23]

Well op, some good news first, there is no such thing as the friend zone. It's just some stupid term made up by "nice guys" who confuse friendship with a prelude to sex. In a good friendship you learn all sorts of things about a person, in that respect its almost like dating without the pressure, since dating is all about finding out whether you have fun with this person while trying to learn about them at the same time. A relationship built on an existing friendship can be wonderful, It's how me and my girlfriend of three years happened, although its worth noting that we were attracted to each other from pretty much the word go. This is really a matter of how she feels, obviously we all know how you feel. From the sound of it it doesn't really sound like she wants that kind of relationship with you, at least right now, although you can always try to change that. So you have to ask yourself whether you can shelve your feelings in favor of a good friendship, one in which you place absolutely no expectations upon her, because thats the definition of unfair. Or, option 2, you could always ask her out on a date, and make sure she know's its a date. Make it low pressure though, and not too romantic, you don't want your feelings to be cloying. You already have fun together, or else you wouldn't be such good friends, so if you choose this option then just try to let things build naturally. It'll either work or it won't. Now for option 3, if you can't shelve your feelings and can't help but put pressure on her (which will be tremendously uncomfortable and unfair to her) then you're probably better off cutting ties and getting over it. Also, if you can't get over your feelings for her then you'll be lying to yourself constantly, telling yourself that its enough to just be around her when its clearly not, something to think about. My sympathies, i've been in this position before and I pretty much ended up acting like a whiny little ***** and lying to myself every day. In the end I just said fuck it and found someone else, who (surprise) turned out to be the perfect girl for me, and we fell deeply in love, it took some time though.

Sorry if that was rambling, anyway, good luck. Really try to think this through and see what you actually want out of this friendship, don't act rashly, or you'll lose a friend

 

[Thyunda]

Can they work? No.
Are you in the friend-zone? If you're asking that question, almost certainly yes.

They CAN work! They can work better than any others! Who has a lasting, amazing relationship without knowing the person first? That's INSANITY.

There's a difference between being friends and being in the friendzone. Being friends has potential to go somewhere closer. Being in the friendzone is when you stop being seen as a member of the opposite sex and get viewed purely non-sexually. Or romantically. Like a puppy.

Not all the girls you befriend will friendzone you, and you will only find out if you're friendzoned or not by trying your luck.

Unless she says "You're like a brother to me."

Then it's time to go home.

 

[Hagi]

Yes, they can work. It's proven millions of times already.

No, they don't always work. It's also been proven millions of times already.

Just ask her out on a date. Take her to the movies or whatever. Some activity that clearly conveys that you've a romantic interest in her but without all the horrendous awkwardness of outright declarations.

She'll either say yes in which case you've got a chance or she'll say no in which case it's time to move on. No in this case means anything that isn't her going on a date with you. "I can't but you're such a great guy" means "No, I don't want to date you". "I'm sorry but any girl would be lucky to have you" also means "No, I don't want to date you". It's pretty simple.

 

[axlryder]

If this is redundant, sorry, I don't feel like reading the whole thread.

First of all, are you unattractive? To you have any obnoxious personality quirks? Are you dependable but boring? If you're above the age of 21 or so, are you going somewhere with your life? Is there anything you can think of that would make her not interested in you? These are important factors to consider. I'm not saying having a shortcoming is an automatic deal breakers, but girls have standards and expectations just like anybody else would. They vary from person to person, but they'll always be there.

Secondly, you don't know her THAT well. It's been two months, dude. Some of my best female friends and I have known each other for years and we're still discovering things about one another. Some things never come up or the person may not entirely reveal who they are to you. You might THINK she's "amazing", but she has flaws like anyone else. Sometimes those flaws are irreconcilable depending on the person. On top of that, some of her traits might influence whether or not you even have a chance. Maybe she has daddy issues and is attracted to guys who are clearly jerks. Maybe she isn't all that mature and would prefer something exciting over something stable. Maybe she's far more world weary and jaded than she's letting on, and is already well aware of where this is headed and how she feels about the whole thing. Maybe she really just only likes guys who have x and y traits.

Overall, it sounds like you are in the "friend zone". You're a stable aspect of her life right now. She either isn't interested in you or doesn't want to be interested in you (I'm assuming). Instead of talking to her about it, I'd try and do something exciting with her. Figure out what she likes (be subtle). Stir things up. Do something to try and make her see you in a different light, then see where you stand with her. If things are still the same, then I guess you should "talk" to her, but I doubt it will end favorably. Just my advice.

Oh yeah, and relationships can completely work between friends, but I think it really comes down to the individuals themselves over what their previous "friendship status" was. Personally I prefer to develop a friendship first because at least it gives me an idea of what I'm getting myself into and allows me to establish a basis on which to build instead of just jumping in and trying to juggle getting to know the person on top of romantic interaction. I suppose a lot of people might consider that more "boring" though. Like dating your pillow or something.

 

[Darken12]

Whether you're in the friend-zone is up to you, as it's a purely intellectual construct you use as a way to avoid dealing with gentle rejection. If you know, deep down, that she doesn't want to go out with you (because you are subconsciously picking up her body language cues that indicate a lack of attraction; or not picking up on any body language cues of attraction), you can choose to either accept that and move on to someone else, or keep deluding yourself and imagine things like the friend-zone to avoid dealing with rejection.

A relationship can evolve from friendship, yes, but it requires both parties to want it to happen. If one of the parties has no interest in it, the other one is just putting their love life on hold for something that's not going to happen (though they can be doing this to avoid dealing with the anxiety that putting oneself out there and mingling with strangers/acquaintances might bring).

In short: shake off the infatuation-induced blinders, please. And don't take this the wrong way, but the reason so many people vilify the 'nice guys' who befriend girls is precisely because they pull shit like lying and emotionally manipulating her to get into her pants. It's predatory and your feelings don't excuse dishonesty or hidden agendas.

 

[Murais]

THE FRIEND ZONE DOES NOT EXIST.

If you're patient enough, and tenacious enough, you will break through. I promise. Just bear a few things in mind. Like, that she's a person with her own thoughts and feelings. And if she says back off, back off. Simple, common sense things.

However, if you don't pull the trigger, you'll regret it for a really long time and if you're not being honest with her, then you feel like she in some way doesn't deserve your honesty (whether you're afraid of what she'll do with it, or otherwise). That's not a great relationship foundation. Say something, be honest, and even if she says no, she'll respect you more.

Use your gut, and a little empathy, and you'll be golden.

 

[Lilani]

She has only been in two relationships before, and they were both with guys she didn't know very well. They also both ended badly after a month. She seems to go through phases where she believes that a relationship with a close friend would be amazing, and then also phases where she finds the concept really weird. I'm not even going to try to understand her, she's far too complex, and doesn't fit the stereotypes that many girls do.

Do you think she could change her mind for the better? She agreed that relationships with friends last the longest, and are the best. Is this a good sign? I definitely don't think she likes me at the minute, but I don't think she likes anyone at the minute. Do you think I've been friendzoned? And do you think that relationships between good friends can work?

If you want more details, just ask.

First of all, stop talking about the friend zone. Just stop. The "friend zone" is for guys who have feelings for a friend and have either been rejected or can't muster up the courage to say something, so rather than getting their sorry asses out of the situation they sit there and mope and whine about how it's all her fault. That isn't anywhere near the case with you, so just stop.

Anyway, I think you should just ask her to get lunch or coffee or see a movie or something and see what happens. Just try to arrange some time where you can be alone together and see what happens. But alone in a public place, not like alone at your house or hers. That's the best way I've found to feel out relationships and figure out if you want to "go steady," as they used to put it.

 

[zumbledum]

Do you think she could change her mind for the better? She agreed that relationships with friends last the longest, and are the best. Is this a good sign? I definitely don't think she likes me at the minute, but I don't think she likes anyone at the minute. Do you think I've been friendzoned? And do you think that relationships between good friends can work?

If you want more details, just ask.

relationships between friends can totally work..

Facts on the ground though lets not spend a life hoping for something that isnt to become what is.

You frendzoned yourself, i suspect your stuffed but its time to grow a pair and tell her. then you have to decide if you can handle being just her friend or if you need to smack this one over the head with a shovel.


Maybe your a luckier man that I but ive never seen this end well.

 

[theparsonski]

In short: shake off the infatuation-induced blinders, please. And don't take this the wrong way, but the reason so many people vilify the 'nice guys' who befriend girls is precisely because they pull shit like lying and emotionally manipulating her to get into her pants. It's predatory and your feelings don't excuse dishonesty or hidden agendas.

Whoa, 'lying and emotionally manipulating her to get into her pants'?! I lied to her when I told her I didn't have feelings for her, yes. The reason, however, was NOT to get her into bed. It was a) to spare her feeling bad because she thought she had led me on, and b) because I valued our friendship and thought I could maintain it and forget about my feelings for her. The only reason things have changed is because my feelings have become a lot stronger. Calling me a 'predator' is just ridiculous.

THE FRIEND ZONE DOES NOT EXIST.

If you're patient enough, and tenacious enough, you will break through. I promise. Just bear a few things in mind. Like, that she's a person with her own thoughts and feelings. And if she says back off, back off. Simple, common sense things.

However, if you don't pull the trigger, you'll regret it for a really long time and if you're not being honest with her, then you feel like she in some way doesn't deserve your honesty (whether you're afraid of what she'll do with it, or otherwise). That's not a great relationship foundation. Say something, be honest, and even if she says no, she'll respect you more.

Use your gut, and a little empathy, and you'll be golden.

I'm kinda getting contradictory messages from this post. You tell me to be patient, but you also tell me to let her know how I feel. What exactly do you mean? It's not that I'm not being honest with her. If she asked me straight up if I had feelings for her, I would tell her that I do. I just don't want to appear really forward or (God forbid) even weird by telling her that I like her. And it's not just that I'd ruin my friendship with her if I told her, she's also part of a really good group of friends I have, and I don't know how much that dynamic would be affected. So sure, going all-or-nothing has the best positive outcome, but it also has a really shit negative outcome.

look ionno wat grade ur in but it probably isnt 7, meaning youre way too old to be pulling this kind of stuff.

stop feeling the need to over-apologize. if you had asked her the same question bout leading her on, would you feel entitled to the absolute truth, in which she'd be rendered "dishonest" if she gave anything less than tht?


and in what way did she tell u tht u were attractive? if she's sincere about that, then such a feeling shouldve been accompanied by numerous displays of affection, and judging by this thread, that isnt the case (unless ofc she's rly shy or just inept at conveying emotions)

if you're still curious, hang around other girls next week and check to see if she reacts to that at all (and cuz it's something u shud do anyways), but dont send your friend in to do a survey, this isnt ocean's eleven.

Look, I meant attractive as in physically attractive. You don't automatically want to date every good looking girl you see, do you? I know she finds me funny, and sweet, and at least a little good-looking, mainly because she's told me (and not out of obligation either). So she has displayed affection quite a lot, but I (mainly because I'm a relationship retard) would have trouble picking out romantic attraction unless it punched me in the face, so I have no idea whether she feels anything for me in that way at all.

 

[Zen Bard]

Yes, a relationship between friends CAN work.

My wife and I are proof.

We had a totally sitcom relationship where we couldn't stand each other first, then became friends, then got hot 'n' heavy.

Now we're coming up on our four year anniversary.

Here's my advice: Hang out with her as friends. Be yourself. Be authentic. Act how you normally would...don't play games, don't try to win her, don't try to woo her...just do your thing.

If she has those feelings, she'll come around.

And if not, well...you gave it a shot.

 

[Schadrach]

Relationships between close friends absolutely work, but only when both are looking for the same thing, when you may not be.
It doesn't sound to me like she is into you, or she'd probably have said something when she found out that you were crushing on her.
You have a few options, really, you can ask her out, stop being friends with her or just commit to being her friend.
She probably wont change her mind if you've told her you're no longer crushing on her and are just being her friend (you kinda friendzoned yourself there).
Still, go for it. Let her know how you feel.
If she feels the same, cool, if not, at least you were honest about it.

Just be prepared that if she rejects you and you feel like you need some time away from her as a result, that there's a good chance you'll be deemed a Nice Guy (tm) that only ever just wanted in her pants and was faking the whole friendship thing.

Sorry, that's just the way this goes...

 

[Zombie Sodomy]

Of course relationships with friends can work. Of all the stupid ideas our society has, almost none annoys me more than the idea that friends can't date. The idea of going out and finding a stranger and making them the person you're supposed to trust and confide in more than anyone else makes absolutely no sense. I already have people I know way better, and already trust, so why should I make someone I don't even know more important than them. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

However, if I new anything about relationships I wouldn't be here all day.

 

[Phasmal]

Just be prepared that if she rejects you and you feel like you need some time away from her as a result, that there's a good chance you'll be deemed a Nice Guy (tm) that only ever just wanted in her pants and was faking the whole friendship thing.

Sorry, that's just the way this goes...

Needing space from her while you get over it= not a Nice Guy.

Telling everyone how that mean ***** totally wouldn't invite you to her pants-party just because you were friends= Nice Guy

Still, OP, wishing you luck and the dignity to hold your head high and say you tried even if you get rejected.