There are varying degrees of how much one desires to socialise and how much they can effectively take part in that they're comfortable with. It all depends on human desire and ability to fulfill that desire, along with a cocktail of other complications that may help or hinder these goals, often self-esteem being a common hurdle to overcome. Ultimately it comes down to; are you happy or at least content? And what can you do to improve your situation if not? The tinterwebs contains growing access to information and help from professionals and people in similar positions that can provide an understanding point of view. Moreso necessary in any place where funding for mental healthcare or even access at all is restricted unless one happens to be in possession of that all-important wealth.
Personally speaking, having moved around a lot during the all important growing-up years, friendship has always been fleeting and difficult. Making connections doesn't come easy, with people or places. Broken, dysfunctional family etc etc. Long-term friendship and childhood memories feel mostly like a thing I am incapable of. Close relationships are the best friendships I've had. Concentrated moreso since a few bad experiences later on with people I thought I could maybe consider close enough friends. After some sort of messy, confusing breakdown, even the thought of a friendship starting, automatically brings a lot of negative thoughts. There are many acquaintances, but I'm very distant with people now emotionally. Thought that going online would circumvent such problems, but the instant I converse with someone, a lot of those negative thoughts come flowing back and the only thing I can think of is it's going to go wrong, it's just a matter of time, it always is. The initial moment of socialising is the easiest, before those thoughts return. Brief moments before the doubting of the self convinces that it's not worth the loss, not capable of dealing with that yet, or ever as it certainly feels at mo. Maybe it will prove to be a useful issue in future, it is not preferable though. Maybe that explains something to do with my often rude demeanor, there is usually a lingering guilt but acceptance that it's probably the better option all round.
