Epic fail flirting stories
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My friend once tried to hit on a chick at a concert and things were going pretty well until he offered to buy her a shirt and accidently pulled out a condom instead of his money. So fucking funny though
I've made that mistake so many times.george144 said:
I remember once I was at a large as party at Smugglars notch Ski resort. (I mean crazy expensive shit) I'm dancing in the crowd and this explosive redhead comes up to me and asks to dance, we start and she asks my name,"Cody! Your's?" "Christina!" "Nice to meet you CHRIS."
Fucked that up all shades of Awkward...
I haven't really failed, but I find it intensely amusing how many NOT drunk girls will try to flirt with me when I'm cashier on graveyard for Taco Bell. I give them something funny but don't really consider it.
best one so far, although this one wasn't initiated by the girl:
-I move quickly with a soda in each hand-
"woah, be careful with that."
-she proceeds to nearly drop both of them, the second one only being saved by me being quick. I stare at her for a second, then grin-
"ma'am, I'm the professional here. methinks you need to be more careful than I do."
HOWEVER, it's not always the cute young ones who flirt. I have had the ugliest looking fifty year old, drunk, smoking women try to flirt with me and then insinuate that I'm not actually annoyed, I really like it. That one made me almost kick them out of the drive thru.
And a drunk gay guy hit on me once. I couldn't get rid of him, so my coworker who's an impressive 280 pounds and looks like a troll comes up right behind me and and says in his deepest voice, "He's mine."
Watching the gay guy attempt to mentally picture that while I just grin was worth every second.
best one so far, although this one wasn't initiated by the girl:
-I move quickly with a soda in each hand-
"woah, be careful with that."
-she proceeds to nearly drop both of them, the second one only being saved by me being quick. I stare at her for a second, then grin-
"ma'am, I'm the professional here. methinks you need to be more careful than I do."
HOWEVER, it's not always the cute young ones who flirt. I have had the ugliest looking fifty year old, drunk, smoking women try to flirt with me and then insinuate that I'm not actually annoyed, I really like it. That one made me almost kick them out of the drive thru.
And a drunk gay guy hit on me once. I couldn't get rid of him, so my coworker who's an impressive 280 pounds and looks like a troll comes up right behind me and and says in his deepest voice, "He's mine."
Watching the gay guy attempt to mentally picture that while I just grin was worth every second.
I once went out with a girl called Jackie. It was my first date so I wanted it to be perfect. I bought dinner and lit candles and what not. So it started pretty awkward but soon we broke the ice and were laughing and joking about all kinds of stuff. However i still wasnt satisfied so in an effort to impress her I started playing with the fire on the candle, Jackie freaked ou
Why thank you, kind sir. I shall munch them with milk and epic lulz.MasterSqueak said:Akai Shizuku said:
Cookies for you.
My friend was chatting up this girl, so as a joke a brought my friend into the other room and told her my plan, I then walked over to my friend and asked him for a condom, he gave me one which impressed the girl (she was already into him and i guess him being prepared almost sealed the deal, I then went in, waited a minute, walked out and said 'Dude, do you have anything in a men's size?' needless to say he got nothing that night (but she followed me around a bit lol)
My brothers best friend randomly coming into the study and asking to make out with me.
Fantastic, I know >.>
Fantastic, I know >.>
My biggest 'fail' of a pick up attempt was, well, being an asshole to a girl I wasn't interested in (nothing wrong with her, I just wasn't in the mood having fucked up a relationship beyond all saving a few days before). I pretty much shot her down in front of all her friends, in no unclear terms. Later on that night, when I was very, very (visably) intoxicated she kissed me out of nowhere, and I ended up spending a fair portion of the night with her.TaborMallory said:
...I honestly thought that girls grew out of the "I like assholes" thing when they got out of highschool, apparently not.
I've, on a few occasions, alluded to a point in my life where I just got fed up with not being able to understand what girls were about (mind you this was midway through high school, so I should have figured that rationale was kind of a lost cause on either sex).
You know it's funny, but I've never actually told this story to anyone before. Not because I'm ashamed of it (clearly, seeing as I'm telling it to a bunch of random people), I just never really felt a need. So yeah, you should feel privileged.
I was sixteen. I wasn't shy so to speak, but I was really ignorant. I was the type that broke things down into facts, and thus formed syllogisms based on said facts.
Fact: My friends, most especially my best friend, were getting girls.
Fact: I was (and still am) a big guy, and other big guys I knew were also getting girls.
Fact: I was much more intelligent than most of my friends (I can mark this down as fact, because most of them at some point attempted to pay me to do their homework).
Fact: I was not getting ANY girls, nor had I ever kissed, or even held hands with a female that wasn't a family member.
Based on all these facts, I felt it was reasonable to assume that there was some X-factor that I wasn't aware of, that allowed guys to attract girls.
I relayed all of this to my best friend, who was, and pretty much still is, kind of my living antithesis. He was very much a jock, and I was very much an academic (mind you I was very social. I have always been good with people, which is why I could make friends with a Zach Morris clone). He was fit, and cut, with abs of which I was incredibly envious. I was not fit...at all. He was what you'd expect out of an Ambercrombie and Fitch model, I couldn't make the cut for a JCPenney Big and Tall section. And he was, again, getting girls by the truckload. I told him of my woes and he offered to help me out.
He started calling up girls when we'd hang out, and he told me to observe what he did as best I could, and try to replicate. So I watched him. Suffice to say, he's never been much a witty chap, but it seemed to be his lack of subtlety that was working for him. He'd drop the most thinly veiled sexual innuendos, and these girls would eat it up. I just didn't get it. But again, who was I to argue with results?
I went to school the very next day, and found a girl that I knew of, but we'd never really talked, and I dropped this bomb: "I know we've never really talked before, but how about you come over to my place tonight, and we can shake things up?" I can remember very few conversations in my life word for word. I can remember very few sentences that I've used with such clarity, but this one. I don't know that it will ever leave me. It's the very definition of a turning point.
You know how when you get those awkward silences, those seconds feel like hours? Well I felt like I was standing there for a few days, when the silence was interrupted by roaring laughter. I thought she was having a seizure. She had to sit down to keep balance. This was in our school foyer, full of people. Almost nobody heard me talk to her, but by the time she was done laughing, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a person in my school who couldn't guess.
My best friend, who was well incredibly popular, lived up to his role, and did a fair amount of damage control for my reputation. It was at that point though, that I had one of those "Batman-esque" epiphanies. I vowed that THAT was never going to happen again. I was going to learn the in's and out's of the male and female romantic psyches and I wasn't going to get caught off guard again.
I spent the better part of a decade figuring the whole "love" thing out. It turned me into an asshole for a while, but I'm finally to the point where I've found a nice balance. And it all happened thanks to one sentence, and a lot of humiliation.
You know it's funny, but I've never actually told this story to anyone before. Not because I'm ashamed of it (clearly, seeing as I'm telling it to a bunch of random people), I just never really felt a need. So yeah, you should feel privileged.
I was sixteen. I wasn't shy so to speak, but I was really ignorant. I was the type that broke things down into facts, and thus formed syllogisms based on said facts.
Fact: My friends, most especially my best friend, were getting girls.
Fact: I was (and still am) a big guy, and other big guys I knew were also getting girls.
Fact: I was much more intelligent than most of my friends (I can mark this down as fact, because most of them at some point attempted to pay me to do their homework).
Fact: I was not getting ANY girls, nor had I ever kissed, or even held hands with a female that wasn't a family member.
Based on all these facts, I felt it was reasonable to assume that there was some X-factor that I wasn't aware of, that allowed guys to attract girls.
I relayed all of this to my best friend, who was, and pretty much still is, kind of my living antithesis. He was very much a jock, and I was very much an academic (mind you I was very social. I have always been good with people, which is why I could make friends with a Zach Morris clone). He was fit, and cut, with abs of which I was incredibly envious. I was not fit...at all. He was what you'd expect out of an Ambercrombie and Fitch model, I couldn't make the cut for a JCPenney Big and Tall section. And he was, again, getting girls by the truckload. I told him of my woes and he offered to help me out.
He started calling up girls when we'd hang out, and he told me to observe what he did as best I could, and try to replicate. So I watched him. Suffice to say, he's never been much a witty chap, but it seemed to be his lack of subtlety that was working for him. He'd drop the most thinly veiled sexual innuendos, and these girls would eat it up. I just didn't get it. But again, who was I to argue with results?
I went to school the very next day, and found a girl that I knew of, but we'd never really talked, and I dropped this bomb: "I know we've never really talked before, but how about you come over to my place tonight, and we can shake things up?" I can remember very few conversations in my life word for word. I can remember very few sentences that I've used with such clarity, but this one. I don't know that it will ever leave me. It's the very definition of a turning point.
You know how when you get those awkward silences, those seconds feel like hours? Well I felt like I was standing there for a few days, when the silence was interrupted by roaring laughter. I thought she was having a seizure. She had to sit down to keep balance. This was in our school foyer, full of people. Almost nobody heard me talk to her, but by the time she was done laughing, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a person in my school who couldn't guess.
My best friend, who was well incredibly popular, lived up to his role, and did a fair amount of damage control for my reputation. It was at that point though, that I had one of those "Batman-esque" epiphanies. I vowed that THAT was never going to happen again. I was going to learn the in's and out's of the male and female romantic psyches and I wasn't going to get caught off guard again.
I spent the better part of a decade figuring the whole "love" thing out. It turned me into an asshole for a while, but I'm finally to the point where I've found a nice balance. And it all happened thanks to one sentence, and a lot of humiliation.
Two occasions spring to mind.
The first has been mentioned before, I got turned down for being too nice. The only "nice" thing I did was lend her my lighter...
The second happened about a year ago. I'd been talking to a girl for a while, when she had to go home with her friend. I was a bit late with the exchanging numbers thing so I only gave her mine and didn't get hers. I discovered 2 days later I gave her the wrong number...
The first has been mentioned before, I got turned down for being too nice. The only "nice" thing I did was lend her my lighter...
The second happened about a year ago. I'd been talking to a girl for a while, when she had to go home with her friend. I was a bit late with the exchanging numbers thing so I only gave her mine and didn't get hers. I discovered 2 days later I gave her the wrong number...
Me, my friend, his sister, and her boyfriend were all at a club. My friend told his sister's boyfriend that I had been single for quite a while, so all of a sudden, he's chatting up this girl, telling her about me and whatnot. Whatever, cool, I can work with that, even though I wasn't planning on it going very far. But because I had had too much to drink that night, when she asked "What brought you guys downtown tonight", I immediately piped up and said "We came to watch my friend's ex-girlfriend strip". There was a strange awkward silence and she walked away. Funny thing is, it was 100% true. I thought women appreciated the truth. haha
But all in all, she wasn't my type, at least from the description my friend's sister's boyfriend gave me. I could tell she was a bookworm and far too intellectual for me. Not saying I'm not intellectual, I just prefer my women to put the smarts on the backburner and let loose (not as loose as my friend's ex). Besides, when I'm sober, I do a million times better picking up women. Liquid courage doesn't work for me.
But all in all, she wasn't my type, at least from the description my friend's sister's boyfriend gave me. I could tell she was a bookworm and far too intellectual for me. Not saying I'm not intellectual, I just prefer my women to put the smarts on the backburner and let loose (not as loose as my friend's ex). Besides, when I'm sober, I do a million times better picking up women. Liquid courage doesn't work for me.
I'm oblivious to flirting. One time I was in a pub with my friends and went to go to the toilet and said "excuse me please" to these girls who were in my way. Went back to my table, carried on getting drunk. When we were outside I was joking around with my friends and one of the girls was there too and she said "move your hair away from your face so I can see what you look like..." and I completely ignored her :S Still feel really bad about it. She must have felt stupid 
I got one that'll make you gringe.
It was the 4th of July. There was an open fireworks show at this large beach where i live. I went with some friends and this girl i didnt know but they were friends with. Needless to say she took a shine to me and i was quite fond of her. The night progressed and i made jokes, she giggles and we cuddled watching the fire works. It was all going swimingly, then while we were walking back to the car i decided, instead of leaving now, why not wait for the sea of people to subside. So we did and me and this girl continued flirting however. I lost my suave. we were talking and "play" arguing id guess you call it and we pressed out foreheads together. I was considerably taller than her so i had to bend down quite a bit. Well from my angle it looked like she had a old 1970's porn star stash because the way my hair was in my eyes in correlation with her face. So i actually blurted out "You know, from this angle, you have a mustache.." She just sat there mouth agape then walked away with my friend who drove us there laughing his ass off at me............i think a little of me died that day
It was the 4th of July. There was an open fireworks show at this large beach where i live. I went with some friends and this girl i didnt know but they were friends with. Needless to say she took a shine to me and i was quite fond of her. The night progressed and i made jokes, she giggles and we cuddled watching the fire works. It was all going swimingly, then while we were walking back to the car i decided, instead of leaving now, why not wait for the sea of people to subside. So we did and me and this girl continued flirting however. I lost my suave. we were talking and "play" arguing id guess you call it and we pressed out foreheads together. I was considerably taller than her so i had to bend down quite a bit. Well from my angle it looked like she had a old 1970's porn star stash because the way my hair was in my eyes in correlation with her face. So i actually blurted out "You know, from this angle, you have a mustache.." She just sat there mouth agape then walked away with my friend who drove us there laughing his ass off at me............i think a little of me died that day
Hmm, mine feels kind of timid compared to some of the more embarrasing ones posted.
About a month back I was visiting my half sister who lives in Turkey and only speaks Turkish, the language which I've basically completely forgotten thanks to living in Ireland for 8 years.
Since she was graduating the week I spent with her there was a lot of drinking everynight and I started to really like her best friend, whom I eventually confessed to after many beers. At which point everyone we were with at the bar (7 friends of my sister who also speak very little English) broke into laughter, it was still going on after a whole minute and I excused myself to take a piss.
To this day I have no idea what I said.
About a month back I was visiting my half sister who lives in Turkey and only speaks Turkish, the language which I've basically completely forgotten thanks to living in Ireland for 8 years.
Since she was graduating the week I spent with her there was a lot of drinking everynight and I started to really like her best friend, whom I eventually confessed to after many beers. At which point everyone we were with at the bar (7 friends of my sister who also speak very little English) broke into laughter, it was still going on after a whole minute and I excused myself to take a piss.
To this day I have no idea what I said.