Escape to the Movies: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Kids Deserved Better Than This

[ThunderCavalier]

*sigh* Well, let's be honest here... no one is really surprised here. New TMNT movie is horrible? Well, people seem to want to take things like TMNT or Transformers and say "What if we made them uber realistic?"

When the Japanese adaptation that turns the mutants to great super turtles that turn into a giant mecha is more believable and fun than this, we really need to take a long look back and ask ourselves where things went wrong.

 

[Saltyk]

Yeah, I can't get past the designs of the Turtles. They are overly complicated, ugly, and God awful. Whoever designed them should be fired.

You know, I've found that the original movie holds up pretty well. It's funny, the Turtles are fun, have good character, and the costumes look good. The fights are pretty good, especially considering those costumes have to be difficult to move in. And it's faithful to the source material, both the comic and the cartoon. All in all, a great adaption and a good movie.

Think I'll go watch that if the mood to watch a Turtles movie hits me.

 

[scorptatious]

Yeah, not really surprised this didn't turn out well. Michael Bay's name was essentially a death sentence.

Speaking of which, what's the general consensus here on the current TMNT cartoon?

The current cartoon is pure unadulterated nerd porn. It gets pretty much everything right. Snappily written. Witty yet dark and a bit disturbing at times. A complete and total reboot, with massive changes, that works.

Well that's good to hear. Might have to check it out sometime in the future.

 

[Cecilthedarkknight_234]

I always like to expand "kids deserved better" to include "the public deserved better".
Great kids films are engrossing and entertaining enough to appeal to any age.

However, that's setting the bar high; too high for Hackywood. And why set the bar higher when leaving it on the ground can make megabucks?

From what Mr. Chipman described of the plot, it's the usual Hackywood slop. A stone-serious plot that seems intriguing as long as you don't actually think about it. (oh and surrounded by goofy antics, but that's Michael Bay for you)

And oh my the cosmic coincidences for April O'Neal. Normally when a Hackywood plot surrounds its main characters with extraordinary coincidental ties, it's planned redundancy to get more out of their existing actors/actresses, to avoid paying the SAG for more roles.

But here, I have a feeling based on the description, that Megan Fox wanted to be the absolute center of attention and THE star of the movie. I mean, damn near everything centers around April O'Neal. (which explains Fox's overly defensive unprofessional outburst this last week; TNMT is HER big movie, HER big chance to prove her worth to Hackywood beyond a walking softcore TNA display)

This is why I loved the original tmnt as a kid, It actually made me think!!

 

[Metalrocks]

not surprised that it sucks. saw the trailer of it when i watched galaxy and i just had to roll up my eyes several times during the trailer. think i would just rent it on dvd and thats it. im rather more exited for sin city.

 

[EyeReaper]

So, I just got outta the theaters, so here's my opinion. (also, haven't seen Bob's opinion yet, just saying)

Pros:
I think they got the turtle's personalities down pretty well, besides Mikey being a major perv for some reason
Most of the fights without shakeycam looked kinda nice.

uhh.. that's about it.

Cons (watch out, this is gonna be the brunt)

A mad scientist, but not Baxter Stockman for some reason
They brought back Vernon, but not Irma.
Shredder looks like Lord Zedd's and a Predator's love child.
Shredder is literally coated in knifes, but would rather punch and kick the defenseless heroes
the foot clan are just thugs and gangsters with guns
Karai is completely useless
Splinter just found "How to be a ninja for Dummies" in the sewer, or something?
Having to forcibly connect April to the origin story
The turtles look like live action Shreks
Everything about Donnie's design, pretty much
Megan Fox didn't even wear a redhead wig.
Splinter grossed me out, and every other shot of him was a very extreme close up.
Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)
How the hell do the turtles sliding down a hill on their shells consistently faster than the cars?
Ralph's character arc is literally the same every movie.
and finally No Casey Jones, Rocksteady, Bebob, Krang, Hun, Stockman, or Bishop

whew. that's about it. I'm sure there were others, but that's just off the top of my head.

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)

As far as I am aware (although my best source is second hand, so don't take what I say as absolute truth) but New Yorkers don't really prize pizza more than any other city.

TMNT included it because A. the ninjas always liked pizza and B. they had a big promotional deal with some pizza joint. I think it was Pizza Hut, but I zoned those commercials out whenever they came on.

 

[Dandres]

So, I just got outta the theaters, so here's my opinion.

Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)

Yes New York Pizzas are really big, that is why they are able to sell them by the slice. Never by pizza in New York from a place that does not sell them by the slice.

And also "Yah" you helped fund the sequel.

 

[JimB]

Vaguely related to the review: I just saw a commercial of a voice-over guy reading single-word snippets from reviews for the movie, and maybe I'm just projecting here, but I swear I can actually hear the guy's eyes rolling as he reads words he doesn't believe a word of. I'm exaggerating a bit, but seriously, the guy sounds like he doesn't believe any of it and is a little pissed off he's contractually obligated to perpetuate these lies.

 

[darthdenim]

I thought the guy who played Mr.Trick in Buffy was cast as Baxter Stockman.

Did they cut him out of the movie or something?

 

[Blood Brain Barrier]

Why is the movie so dark? I can't even see the turtles because every scene with them covered them with shadows and darkness. Actually, I know why they did that - they think it improves the 3D animation and makes the film more gritty. But kids like color and light, so they're essentially sacrificing what people like for 'production quality', which on its own means nothing. Except for Michael Bay, for whom it means everything.

 

[Kuth]

You know, I was willing to let this TMMNT movie pass if it was at least better than TMNT 3. To say it sucks even more than Venus.... wow, man. I may have to see it anyway, just to know how bad this is.

 

[Flunk]

Bob, there have NEVER been any good Ninja Turtles movies. Go back and watch them, I dare you. The first one is somewhat passable and the other two are terrible.

P.S. I'm going to avoid watching this, but we all knew how stupid these was going to be. Didn't we?

 

[Laughingboy]

I would like to start with a couple of off topic questions and an answer. Does every know why movie critics exists and why people listen to them? Answer, because you either agree with their critique of the movie or you respect their opinion enough to allow it to help you decide if something is worth it. Never not once has Bob put out a review that after I've seen the movie haven't thought was justified. So every one can take any complaints they have and go find another reviewer please. Specially people that didn't even watch the review.

Now on to the movie. I have to wonder if Bay making them aliens wouldn't have actually made this movie better. I mean wow the origin story, what a turd of an idea. I mean "After rumors of a bio enhanced ninja army called the Foot Clan surface. April O'Neil discovers her fathers lost research and uses it to find her lost pet turtles her father created and she released as a child." Well already got a better front half of the movie."Discovers her 'pets' are not only humanoid but vigilante ninjas now, decides to use this as a chance to be taken more seriously as a reporter." They ripped that from the first movie though. They don't even need to touch on splinter and shredder being enemies previously. Just make Aprils boss the Shredder like they wanted and a bad guy that killed her father. Or if stuck on making splinter and shredder enemies. "Splinter raised the turtles ninjas because he was a lab tech exposed to the same ooze they were and already was a part time martial arts instructor focused on Ninjitsu, or a special forces operative that Eric Sacks experimented on." There solved the origin story. Now the rest of the movie. "After meeting April and finding out what Eric Sacks was doing they decide to stop him, and keep him from making any more bio enhanced soldiers." End with a Baxter Stockman reviving Eric Sacks and we have sequel fodder and a half way decent movie premise.

I don't understand why they couldn't do that instead of the pile that this movie is. I even give them and excuse to make April half the movie. I just don't get why they tried to reinvent the hero saves the world story with "Boom, off color joke, lewd joke, punch something".

 

[EyeReaper]

Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)

As far as I am aware (although my best source is second hand, so don't take what I say as absolute truth) but New Yorkers don't really prize pizza more than any other city.

TMNT included it because A. the ninjas always liked pizza and B. they had a big promotional deal with some pizza joint. I think it was Pizza Hut, but I zoned those commercials out whenever they came on.

I uh, meant the size. the slices were wider than the turtles heads.

snip

I know, and I really didn't want to, but...
A: I try not to judge books by their covers, so to speak, and
B: All my friends I was with wanted to see it, even after I said I didn't want to. (If it was up to me, we would've seen Lucy) and, well, I'd rather watch a stinker with friends than be a killjoy alone, you know?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)

As far as I am aware (although my best source is second hand, so don't take what I say as absolute truth) but New Yorkers don't really prize pizza more than any other city.

TMNT included it because A. the ninjas always liked pizza and B. they had a big promotional deal with some pizza joint. I think it was Pizza Hut, but I zoned those commercials out whenever they came on.

I uh, meant the size. the slices were wider than the turtles heads.

...

OH.

X_X

I thought you meant in the figuritity sense... No idea if they offer the size that big, although I am sure someone in New York offers delivery of a pizza that size.

 

[Logience]

Jeez, Bob sounded really reserved in this review. I'm guessing it's because of the "If I have emotions, then everyone will call me biased" train of thought.

They call him biased already.

Implying I didn't already know that.

 

[Something Amyss]

You mean you haven't seen Transformers 2?

I stopped trying to measure Bay's vileness after that, but I can't imagine anything being worse. That movie literally inserted shit into my brain.

TBH, I have only seen the first and a few minutes of 2 and 3.

I thought Bayformers would be just what I wanted. Big stompy robots, epic battles, and explosions. It seemed like a decent fit. I wouldn't trust Bay to do a serious movie (especially after Pearl Harbour), but I thought at least I could get a fun summer movie. And instead, I got...a nap.

So I just didn't bother with 2 or 3 or 4. I wish more of the people who hated the movies had done the same. I mean, I'm not knocking Bob, who has an actual reason to go see films he won't like (being, you know, a movie reviewer/critic), but God, it was amazing how many of the same voices chimed in to hate TF 3 and 4 on their respective opening nights.

I'm also a little bothered here because it looks like a lot of the same haters are the ones who saw this at opening and are giving it what's being reported as a "strong" mid-week opening. That's the sort of thing that guarantees sequels. Bob's calling for a reboot even as early indicators say this will be a hit. I'm kind of hoping those indicators are wrong, but....

Can't we go back to the 2007 version? It was flawed, but...I enjoyed it. Even if April was voiced by a robot and Casey was Captain America. And the whole thing was kind of a Gargoyles ripoff.

I'm genuinely sorry this happened, Bob. Here, allow the Warp Zone to blind you to this with nostalgia:

And it has Andre in it. Win/win.

Why is hating on that awful Catwoman movie "smug and self righteous", but it's okay for you to constantly talk about how much you hate the Amazing Spiderman movies?

Those movies aren't even as bad as Catwoman.

It's always different when we do it.

 

[Dandres]

Agreed, I always tell my friends they can not complain about a sequel being made if they saw the first movie during opening weekend.

 

[Something Amyss]

I uh, meant the size. the slices were wider than the turtles heads.

I thought you meant in the figuritity sense... No idea if they offer the size that big, although I am sure someone in New York offers delivery of a pizza that size.

Authentic itallian-style (YMMV) pizza is often served in large slices, but given the size of these turtles, I'm skeptical that they make slices large enough. Though maybe. I just question the demand for 50" pizzas.