Escape to the Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Two

[RJ 17]

Until watching this review,

Spoiler: This

had been the only thing Twilight-related that I enjoyed. But I couldn't help but chuckle as Bob described the war with an almost childish glee and giddiness.

I mean seriously guys, FRICKIN' LAVA!

Edit: You still couldn't pay me enough to go see this movie, though. No matter how "so bad it's good" it is, that still doesn't change the fact that 1: it's bad, and 2: it's frickin' Twilight.

 

[idodo35]

you wanna tell me that fucking TWILIGHT is enjoyable but THE GREEN FUCKING LANTERN MOVIE was one of the most ball cringing movie expiriances ive ever had the misfortune to sit through?

 

[deleted+75193]

DELETED

 

[Canadamus Prime]

That's nice, I'm still not going to see it.

EDIT: Although I do have to wonder, if Stephanie Meyer is such a bad writer, how the hell did she ever get published?

Nobody ever starved when choosing to feed of other people's lack of taste.

That said, if you have to give the Twilight books credit for one thing (and this is a dubious cookie at best), it's the fact that it taps into the tropes of "really plain girl is special underneath" and "dream guy falls for really plain girl" rather effectively, at least enough to overcome the undercurrent of absolute awfulness of the subtext (e.g., A 100-year-old guy - who hangs out in a HIGH SCHOOL - falls for a teenage girl, not because he's an emotionally underdeveloped asshole*, but because said girl is super-duper special, right? RIGHT?!?!), and that kind of self-insert fantasy is exactly the kind of escapism that appeals to teenage girls and women who didn't quite emotionally leave high school.

Sorry if that sounds like a high horse, but if a guy could live forever but can't come up with anything better to do than go to high school, and you're the (adult) chick who can't see anything wrong with that, YOU are the one with the problem. Teenage girls could be excused, at least to some extent, since most adults have no idea how to talk to teenage girls about this sort of thing. And since they have disposable income...here we are. A successful series that is full of fail, but it's appealing fail.

That still doesn't account for how she got published in the first place. Like if she's such a terrible writer then how is it that her publisher didn't slap her with a big fat rejection slip? I don't know, I haven't read it, I'm just going on everyone else's word here.

 

[MonkeyPunch]

So it's got a decent action part. Still not ever going to watch this turgid pile of crap.

Will look out for the final fight on YouTube in some time to check if it really as good as Bob is trying to make it out to be.
There is literally nothing I would go watch this movie for, bar being paid or the guaranteed promise of post-movie(or per) boob fondling.

Also: it was all a dream? Really? I can remember my English teacher marking an essay down because it ended like that. When I was 14. And I got it then.

 

[millertime059]

Oh boy. Well I saw it with my wife yesterday. Now to unpack the experience.

I laughed several times, mostly at the film. The flying suplex on the cougar is but one moment of hilariously awful. Much of that revolves around how bad much of the CGI is. I'm sorry, any time they did their super fast run it was the worst kind of green screening effect.

They almost attempted to do some interesting thematic things. The idea behind the uncomfortable alliance of the 'good vampire' Cullens (good because they don't eat humans) with some 'good only because they associate with the Cullens" could have had some meat. Instead it is resolved off camera, with the simple declaration 'they agree not to hunt here'.

The learning her own strength could have been interesting, but loses it for two reasons. One, Kristen Stewart can NOT act. She is far better in this film though. Given a role where she is allowed to show actual emotion beyond 'mopey, needy, sulking, emo girl' she is tolerable. But not good. Laughing and smiling do make her almost human though. The second reason it fails is, for some reason, she is magically now the strongest vampire. Period. For no reason other than because. WTF? It's absurd and makes 0 sense (other than as a Mary Sue insert).

The whole Jacob Renesme thing is just. so. creepy. No amount of explanation makes it less so. Also Renesme? Who would name their kid that? It's terrible.

Michael Sheen is entertaining, and does put on a good performance. Meanwhile Dakota Fanning will try to kill you by starring at you with those Anime eyes.

The whole Bella's father subplot? They bring it up, and sweep it under with 'I'll tell you what you need to know'. It didn't work. Why would him knowing the truth make him a target? It doesn't make sense.

The final battle is endemic of the whole thing, they almost tried to do something awesome (or at least interesting in other cases) but ultimately lacked the courage to actually do what was needed to make it work.

Oh and the whole 'it was just a vision' final battle. That's first rate bullshit. It's enough to ruin a good movie, and this was not an otherwise good movie.

 

[Machine Man 1992]

Well... Didn't see that coming.

 

[1337mokro]

The rifftrax for this one shall be GLORIOUS!!!

 

[6unn3r]

Bob you arn't allowed to make any more reviews.

Seriously this one could not be topped by anything else you might do in the future...ever. Everything about this review was correct and i loved every second of it

 

[disgruntledgamer]

Wow Bob actually managed to watch all the Twilight movies? After the first 20 mins of the first one I was thinking of ways to hurt myself.

I don't need to watch Breaking Dawn Part Two to laugh at Twilight.

 

[SAMAS]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the black hole of movies. Its star burned brightly and swiftly; then it collapsed under it's own weight and took everyone involved with it.

Spoiler

My hopes got so high when Bob was describing that action sequence. I could just imagine all the wailing screams of the fan girls as Hollywood said "No more, we will redeem this shit at all costs". It was a delicious moment, then he told us it was all a dream, and much like the described reaction of the audience at the screening I exclaimed "Bullshit." Oh they were so close to giving Myers the finger and salvaging the finale. I almost can't blame them though; I know I wouldn't want to face the ire of its psychotic fan base.

I think that was the point. They knew they couldn't end the movie any differently than the book did, but as Bob pointed out, the ending was a tremendous disappointment. So the least they could think to do was to actually give us the fight, even if it couldn't actually happen.

 

[GeorgW]

This is one of the greatest reviews of all time! It's hilarious and brilliant!
Well, I never thought I'd even think about watching a Twilight movie, but now I am. Well done, Bob, well done.

 

[WhiteFangofWhoa]

I knew you'd have to find some way of making this more entertaining than just 'this sucks and I'm only reviewing it 'cause it's in the schedule but YAY I'm finally free of Twilight'. Fortunately it looks like the movie actually provided you with that, being actually a pretty amusing-looking battle sequence surrounded by all the wank. Are all the crazy action sequences in Sucker Punch made any less awesome by most of it being the dreams of a madwoman? Thank you Alice!

Strangely, the 'Mark Reads' blog trashing the book didn't really mention Mr. Deus Ex Machina much, instead focusing on Bella suddenly gaining some kind of force field powers to protect people and prevent any combat from taking place between the two sides. So do both of these Deus Ex Machina(e?) happen in the book within moments of each other? Machinaception?

Ah well, it's all over now. I can't help but wonder what could have been made of this if the director(s) were permitted full creative range to minimize the flaws they would surely recognize and develop more interesting vampires. Or maybe not. Let's never talk about this series again.

 

[MrBaskerville]

Hmm, so there´s a big overblown and loud action sequence, and it´s supposed to be a good thing? As a guy who nearly feel asleep during the last 50 minutes of Avengers, this doesn´t sound too promising . Though it does sound pretty damn stupid, didn´t know that the ending to this series was this daft.

 

[OneOfTheMichael's]

In my opinion. The New james bond was soooo much better.
Funny review though.

 

[maidenm]

That still doesn't account for how she got published in the first place. Like if she's such a terrible writer then how is it that her publisher didn't slap her with a big fat rejection slip? I don't know, I haven't read it, I'm just going on everyone else's word here.

She did get a rejection letter, or rather she got 9 of them (!!). Five letters she sent to publishers went unanswered. Then she sent the script to Little, Brown, the company that accepted her crap. A company that back then had a... bad reputation. Suprised? She also refused to let a proof-reader edit her "work" because they might "ruin" it.

 

[zacharyk88]

I really hope it's not too awful. Hopefully I'll get a good laugh at it and won't get stabbed by everyone else in the theater.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

That still doesn't account for how she got published in the first place. Like if she's such a terrible writer then how is it that her publisher didn't slap her with a big fat rejection slip? I don't know, I haven't read it, I'm just going on everyone else's word here.

She did get a rejection letter, or rather she got 9 of them (!!). Five letters she sent to publishers went unanswered. Then she sent the script to Little, Brown, the company that accepted her crap. A company that back then had a... bad reputation. Suprised? She also refused to let a proof-reader edit her "work" because they might "ruin" it.

Yeah, that's a mistake. You have to be pretty damn arrogant to assume your work is perfect without the need for outside input.

Then again considering how huge this bloody thing has become I guess she knew what she was doing, for better or for worse. There's no accounting for taste though.

 

[SecondmateFlint]

I was cleaning around my room while watching this video and I stopped dead in my tracks when Bob said the twist ending.

I've actually been trying to think when doing something like that is ever all right. I think the audience is always going to feel gypped in some way. I've seen a lot of student films that have that ending and I feel like that always discounts the rest of the film. How can I trust anything that you've already told me if you've just proven it a lie?

Maybe I'm way over thinking it, but I almost get offended when I see it. Is there a movie anyone can think of when it works? I'm actually really curious.

 

[ThunderCavalier]

...Ladies and gentelemen, I think we've finally found the movie equivalent to Sonic 06.

See, the problem with that is that Sonic 06 was just all-around mediocre. Score aside (because Solaris Phase 2 is officially one of the greatest Final Boss Music scores ever), there was nothing "fun" about it. The plot was mediocre or boring or... weird, and the gameplay... sucked fun right out of it.

This sucks so bad it's downright hilarious. Plus, we aren't trying to control a godawful camera.