Europeans and small talk

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

One of the biggest culture shocks to many Europeans coming to the US is how everyone talks to each other when they are complete strangers in the US. It doesn't matter if you know someone here or not, most people just casually talk to those standing near them here when out in public. So why is it most Europeans do not do the same? You would think with how much closer the communities are in Europe, the people would be just as close and friendly when near each other, but they are not. They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

In the US, it is rude not to talk to people and acknowledge them around you and ignore them and keep to yourself. It is frequently taken as thinking you are "too good" or "stuck up" or " snobbish" if you fail to acknowledge those around you and treat them as family, where in much of Europe, if you treat strangers as family they look at you like you are an alien. Why is it so weird to talk to each other in much of Europe?

 

[fenrizz]

I don't know why, it just is.

Here (Norway) it is considered rude to strike up a conversation with a stranger at, say, a bus stop. Unless you are drunk.
We expect that others will not bother us unless absolutely necessary, and in return we will not bother them.

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

If I've already inconvenienced you by bumping in to you, then why would I inconvenience you further by delaying you with idle talk?
A quick nod of the head will do just fine, thank you.

 

[Breakdown]

Maybe if Americans stopped talking to each other so much there would be fewer murders in America?

 

[Satinavian]

It is just the way it is. Why should i talk to all those moving obstacles i have no interest in and who presumably don't have any interest in me. Everyone can be lost in thought and be busy with whatever is important to them and has only to pay enough attention to avoid any accidents.

If someone talks to someone else, he/she is expected to have a reason worthy the required attention. And is expected to get to the point in reasonable time. Starting a conversation is always taken as a sign that there exists something important to discuss. If Americans start random conversations here and then there is no point ... well, that is taken as a bit rude.

It is not even that much different with friends and aquaintances, people that do matter on a personal basis. It is completely fine to sit 2 hours together with friends in a cafe and not say a single word if there is nothing worthy to be said.

Also : When someone asks "How are you", he should expect to be taken serious and get a honest, detailed answer. Why would he/she ask, if not actually interested in the circumstances?

 

[bartholen_v1legacy]

Well I can't speak for the entirety of Europe, but here in Finland small talk is practically nonexistent in any form whatsoever. Like the above poster from Norway said, the social culture here assumes everyone wants to keep their privacy and peace while out in public, so starting to chat up complete strangers out of nowhere is seen as rude and invasive unless you have something to ask like what the time is or asking for advice. And yes, we do apologize for bumping into each other, and it's usually resolved with a single word, sometimes a mumble, sometimes just a wave of the hand signifying that nothing of importance transpired.

The lack of small talk also helps separate your formal and informal self, and is a better way of building trust: if you say "I'll give you a call" to someone here, you're expected to give that call. It's considered a promise, not a statement of what you might do.

But here's the potentially unpleasant part (forgive my bluntness): it's seen as a vapid and hollow practice. Here chatting with someone is seen as an expression of interest, that whoever you're talking to holds your attention and you genuinely care about what they have to say. It relates to another cultural difference between here and the US: it's considered polite to let another person finish before answering and keep quiet when they're talking. That way you express that you're listening to every word they're saying, and want to hear their whole argument/story/whatever. If you ask a Finn how they are, chances are you'll get an answer that can include sick grandmas, trying to find a job, diseases, bills etc. It's not that we only talk about the negative in life, but that we are open about it, and will mention it. If all you're going to say is "Fine and dandy!" or something similar, why waste your breath in the first place? Chatting with someone should be something you do because you want to, not because you're expected to.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

See now the idea that someone is "worthy" to talk to is confirming that people think they are " too good" to talk to another, so yes that should be considered actually rude and terribly judgmental. Why would it ever be considered an inconvenience or a burden to speak to those around you? That idea is what is odd. Are Europeans just more introverted to think that it is an inconvenience to talk to someone? The idea that it is an inconvenience or a burden just to speak to someone is what is rude.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Well I can't speak for the entirety of Europe, but here in Finland small talk is practically nonexistent in any form whatsoever. Like the above poster from Norway said, the social culture here assumes everyone wants to keep their privacy and peace while out in public, so starting to chat up complete strangers out of nowhere is seen as rude and invasive unless you have something to ask like what the time is or asking for advice. And yes, we do apologize for bumping into each other, and it's usually resolved with a single word, sometimes a mumble, sometimes just a wave of the hand signifying that nothing of importance transpired.

The lack of small talk also helps separate your formal and informal self, and is a better way of building trust: if you say "I'll give you a call" to someone here, you're expected to give that call. It's considered a promise, not a statement of what you might do.

But here's the potentially unpleasant part (forgive my bluntness): it's seen as a vapid and hollow practice. Here chatting with someone is seen as an expression of interest, that whoever you're talking to holds your attention and you genuinely care about what they have to say. It relates to another cultural difference between here and the US: it's considered polite to let another person finish before answering and keep quiet when they're talking. That way you express that you're listening to every word they're saying, and want to hear their whole argument/story/whatever. If you ask a Finn how they are, chances are you'll get an answer that can include sick grandmas, trying to find a job, diseases, bills etc. It's not that we only talk about the negative in life, but that we are open about it, and will mention it. If all you're going to say is "Fine and dandy!" or something similar, why waste your breath in the first place? Chatting with someone should be something you do because you want to, not because you're expected to.

It is normal for you to ask how someone is here and they tell you about sick grandma as well, and it is common to do so, even in public to people in the neighborhood. When people move into the neighborhood, it is common to bake them something home made and bring it to them as a welcoming gift and genuinely get to know about them. Then when you see people about town, and ask "how are you?" ALSO to expect a genuine answer. It isn't actually meant to be hollow. People are just that way all the time here. Privacy is what you do in your own home with the blinds closed, outside of that, there isn't much that is private, and people will know you by name around town and talk to you.

 

[Jux]

I'd say it changes based on where you are in the US too. It's not uncommon to exchange hellos or good morning/afternoon/evenings with people while walking my dog (from new orleans here), but when I was in new york for a week, I saw absolutely none of that on the street.

 

[Zhukov]

Huh, that's interesting.

I'm trying to figure out where Australians would sit on that scale. I've had strangers strike up conversations with me before and it didn't seem rude. However it's not something I'm inclined to do because I'm rather shy and it's like I'm going to have much to say to some random person at a bus stop. It's normal to briefly acknowledge strangers on the street with a nod or a "hey" or "good morning" or whatever.

Are you saying that, as an American if a stranger was standing near you at a bus stop and didn't say anything to you you'd think they were being rude?

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I'd say it changes based on where you are in the US too. It's not uncommon to exchange hellos or good morning/afternoon/evenings with people while walking my dog (from new orleans here), but when I was in new york for a week, I saw absolutely none of that on the street.

I think it is called "southern hospitality". New York is known for being exceptionally " cold" in terms of how neighbors interact with one another. In the south though, they bring you baked goods, offer to help you when they see you doing something that could use a hand and also start up conversation when standing in line shopping.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Huh, that's interesting.

I'm trying to figure out where Australians would sit on that scale. I've had strangers strike up conversations with me before and it didn't seem rude. However it's not something I'm inclined to do because I'm rather shy and it's like I'm going to have much to say to some random person at a bus stop. It's normal to briefly acknowledge strangers on the street with a nod or a "hey" or "good morning" or whatever.

Are you saying that, as an American if a stranger was standing near you at a bus stop and didn't say anything to you you'd think they were being rude?

Depending on the situation, and where you were at in the US, yes it would be seen as rude.

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

Why would I bother someone with my bullshit, you probably have your own shit you're thinking about.

I don't know where you get the idea that communities are closer together in Europe (unless you mean physically, and to be fair I have no idea what it's like in the US. All relative I suppose). Of course as I'm sure you didn't mean to imply, Europe is not homogeneous, neither are any of it's countries. You'll have a lot better time talking to people outside of big cities I find.

Relevant:

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Why would I bother someone with my bullshit, you probably have your own shit you're thinking about.

I don't know where you get the idea that communities are closer together in Europe (unless you mean physically). Of course as I'm sure you didn't mean to imply, Europe is not homogeneous, neither are any of it's countries. You'll have a lot better time talking to people outside of big cities I find.

Relevant:

I meant the way communities are physically laid out that they are closer, and not so spread out like in the US. Of course they are not homogeneous, as I also stated " some" but I have not actually seen any myself that were anywhere near as extroverted as it is in the southern US.

Even funnier is the idea that you would say " excuse me" when going to talk to someone like they did in the video. Like somehow they are interrupting people sitting there doing nothing. LOL!

People just start talking casually to those sitting around them about all sorts of things without saying anything awkward like "excuse me", instead they just start up normal conversation the same you would do with a family member, and not treat them like a stranger at all. For example, when people are out shopping it is common to discuss the local sales for that week, the produce selection, recipes ect.. When you are at the park or walking around people often discuss all sorts of things randomly like current events, pets, family ect.. This is considered normal and friendly.

That look on that guys face in the video is too funny and so accurate! WHY do people do that? LMAO

 

[fenrizz]

See now the idea that someone is "worthy" to talk to is confirming that people think they are " too good" to talk to another, so yes that should be considered actually rude and terribly judgmental.

It's not about someones worth, but rather not wasting time talking about unimportant trivial matters with people you will not talk to again. Also, I find that smalltalk often come across as shallow and insincere.

Why would it ever be considered an inconvenience or a burden to speak to those around you? That idea is what is odd.

Because I'd rather be left alone.
I have no interest in 5 minute awkward conversations about nothing.
It's not odd, it's perfectly normal.

Are Europeans just more introverted to think that it is an inconvenience to talk to someone? The idea that it is an inconvenience or a burden just to speak to someone is what is rude.

Perhaps we are, yes.
Well, you might find it rude, but I find the idea of bothering random strangers to be rude.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

See now the idea that someone is "worthy" to talk to is confirming that people think they are " too good" to talk to another, so yes that should be considered actually rude and terribly judgmental.

It's not about someones worth, but rather not wasting time talking about unimportant trivial matters with people you will not talk to again. Also, I find that smalltalk often come across as shallow and insincere.

Why would it ever be considered an inconvenience or a burden to speak to those around you? That idea is what is odd.

Because I'd rather be left alone.
I have no interest in 5 minute awkward conversations about nothing.
It's not odd, it's perfectly normal.

Are Europeans just more introverted to think that it is an inconvenience to talk to someone? The idea that it is an inconvenience or a burden just to speak to someone is what is rude.

Perhaps we are, yes.
Well, you might find it rude, but I find the idea of bothering random strangers to be rude.

I am not bothered by people talking to me though. Not everyone is actually bothered by people talking. It is just everyone is very relaxed and not awkward at all, just the same as hanging out with good friends. Some people are just comfortable around everyone and not weird about it at all. Why would it be awkward and about nothing? People openly discuss all sorts of things here. It is treated the same as talking to friends or family here, no different at all really. I keep trying to think of why I would be bothered by someone just talking to me and cannot think of why that should actually bother me. I mean if they were trying to be obnoxious, rude or annoying, yes, but not if they were just talking to me normally.

 

[Bob_McMillan]

Where I live, small talk exists but you are hardly obliged to.

Public transport is essentially pressing your body are close to another person without being weird. Kinda hard to talk to someone if turning your head would result in you breaking the other person's nose.

If you are in a line, maybe there would be some complaining about how long it's taking or how incompetent the government is, but nothing more than that.

Anywhere else, say a restaurant or a store, small talk is non-existent. It would't really be seen as rude, but the person you are talking to would be a bit surprised.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Where I live, small talk exists but you are hardly obliged to.

Public transport is essentially pressing your body are close to another person without being weird. Kinda hard to talk to someone if turning your head would result in you breaking the other person's nose.

If you are in a line, maybe there would be some complaining about how long it's taking or how incompetent the government is, but nothing more than that.

Anywhere else, say a restaurant or a store, small talk is non-existent. It would't really be seen as rude, but the person you are talking to would be a bit surprised.

At a pub it's normal though right? Like for everyone sitting around talking even when they don't know each other?

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

I meant the way communities are physically laid out that they are closer, and not so spread out like in the US. Of course they are not homogeneous, as I also stated " some" but I have not actually seen any myself that were anywhere near as extroverted as it is in the southern US.

That might be part of it. When you're packed closer together you don't have the mental energy to deal with all those people. If you struck up a conversation with everyone you met you'd never stop talking. The ever present crush of humanity etc. See New York, London etc

Also, what Fenrizz said.

 

[Bob_McMillan]

Where I live, small talk exists but you are hardly obliged to.

Public transport is essentially pressing your body are close to another person without being weird. Kinda hard to talk to someone if turning your head would result in you breaking the other person's nose.

If you are in a line, maybe there would be some complaining about how long it's taking or how incompetent the government is, but nothing more than that.

Anywhere else, say a restaurant or a store, small talk is non-existent. It would't really be seen as rude, but the person you are talking to would be a bit surprised.

At a pub it's normal though right? Like for everyone sitting around talking even when they don't know each other?

Yeah, I suppose. But you won't see groups of people that are made up of more than one clique.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Where I live, small talk exists but you are hardly obliged to.

Public transport is essentially pressing your body are close to another person without being weird. Kinda hard to talk to someone if turning your head would result in you breaking the other person's nose.

If you are in a line, maybe there would be some complaining about how long it's taking or how incompetent the government is, but nothing more than that.

Anywhere else, say a restaurant or a store, small talk is non-existent. It would't really be seen as rude, but the person you are talking to would be a bit surprised.

At a pub it's normal though right? Like for everyone sitting around talking even when they don't know each other?

Yeah, I suppose. But you won't see groups of people that are made up of more than one clique.

Huh? They have to be in a clique to just talk randomly? These ideas are so weird. It would be very weird for me to think that people were uncomfortable just talking to me normally. I am accustomed to people just talking to me everywhere I go, so I can't imagine trying to think they have to be in a certain clique just to talk to me.