Europeans and small talk

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

So I have to wonder, how do couples meet each other if people don't talk in public to people they don't know? If guys never walked up and started talking to me, I would have never met them to date them.

Work? Social places like pubs? The internet? Friends? Friends of friends?
I mean, I know it might be a bit of a culture shock that we don't talk to strangers much, but we obviously manage to pair up anyway.

Couldn't imagine going out with some rando who just came up to me in the street.

In my experience, the random people who start talking to me tend to be racists. Especially on the bus.

Mostly because of this. It's either this or they're trying to sell me some Jesus.

No, you don't just go out with some random you met on the street. With everyone talking in public, you talk to people in groups and after you talk to them more often, they find out more about you and it eventually leads to meeting up somewhere, often in groups at first then leads to dates. But meeting new people is how you become friends in the first place to be able to have it lead to more once you get to know them better. Most of the time " randoms" on the street are there routinely due to work, errands, where they live and such so most of the people there are usually there frequently and are not just "randoms" after all, they are the people who live, work and play in that community and see them quite often.

It is scary to think that the only people talking there are either racists or missionaries. I am surrounded by racists and missionaries too, but luckily they are not the only ones talking. LOL

EDIT: Also dating people from work is considered a terrible idea here, pubs not so great either and friends of friends was the absolute worst idea in the history of bad ideas. HAHAH!

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Australians are a pretty talkatve bunch.

I don't know, I've met some quiet Americans. One of them I used to have common dealings with in Japan. He taught me how to play chess. I thought I knew how to play before, but when we first met he removed one of his rooks from the game and still kicked my butt. He also taught me how to throw a curve ball. Smart guy. Not especially loud. Preferred playing games like checkers, chess and backgammon over talking. He was ex-military ... came from a pretty poor community in Louisiana, and he was a phenomenal cook. He told me the secret to cooking was growing up with a black mother in the 70s ... they can turn basic staples into magic, and if he was the norm he was was right.

But yeah, fairly quiet. Friendly, but quiet. He only really spoke when he wanted to say something. And I kind of like that in others. I hate awkward silences, because I usually only talk at length about subjects when I feel like it. I'm not good at small talk. So we kind of clicked, because there were no small talk ... he'd comment, say something insightful due to his intellect, and I'd get interested ... pipe in ... and back and forwards ... and then no awkward pauses because we distracted ourselves in the natural pause otherwise filled with the usual dribble and exchanged it with strategic moves on the chessboard.

I can also say he was the first American I really knew. I've had passive dealings with Americans before them ... but this was kind of before current social networks. Plus I don't really feel I know someone know until I play some sort of tabletop game with them. I wasn't a huge fan of chess before I met him. But I loved it afterwards. Though I doubt I'll ever be as good. Which is fine ... it would be boring to be the best at something you love.

 

[Phasmal]

No, you don't just go out with some random you met on the street. With everyone talking in public, you talk to people in groups and after you talk to them more often, they find out more about you and it eventually leads to meeting up somewhere, often in groups at first then leads to dates. But meeting new people is how you become friends in the first place to be able to have it lead to more once you get to know them better. Most of the time " randoms" on the street are there routinely due to work, errands, where they live and such so most of the people there are usually there frequently and are not just "randoms" after all, they are the people who live, work and play in that community and see them quite often.

It is scary to think that the only people talking there are either racists or missionaries. I am surrounded by racists and missionaries too, but luckily they are not the only ones talking. LOL

I think it's just because the culture is so different here. We don't talk on the street because it's not being polite, so people who do are usually the kind of people who don't really care for being polite, or they're trying to pitch something to you.

I can't say I know people in the community very much either.
Hell, I only know what one of my neighbours looks like, and we've never said more than a polite "Hello" when we're both in the building hallway at the same time.
But the thing is, that here that is being polite. I'm sure my neighbour wouldn't be too put off if I made a bit more conversation, but she should be able to come and go from her house without feeling like she has to talk to me every single time we see each other.

I think a lot of us in Europe just get a bit tired out from social activity more than Americans do.

 

[Bobular]

The only time you'll hear a stranger speak where I live is either to their friends or to say thanks to the bus driver.

It is one of the biggest thing I have to overcome now that I'm trying to sell things on a market, I'll talk to people who come into my stall and I still deep down think I'm being rude, especially if there is two or more of them as I'll feel like I'm interrupting.

I also have seen kids arguing among themselves over who should be the one to interrupt me, despite I close the laptop when customers come in as I think its rude for me to keep working[footnote]Or posting[/footnote] when I have people in. Its a complex balance of different kinds of rudeness that eventually result in them walking out with a new book.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

I would guess its a result of the language barrier. Put a German next to a French, and they don't share a language or culture. Take a Texan put him next to a New Yorker and they at least both hate California and speak something approaching English.

And yes, many Europeans are bilingual, but not all of them, and that's a recent development. Go back 150 years, I doubt everyone spoke more than their home language.

 

[Parasondox]

It just depends on where in Europe you go. Remember most European nations still have bad blood towards each other from centuries of conflict.

I was born and grew up on a small island of 12,000 people. Not saying hello or acknowledging people around you would be very very strange. If it were our parents friends we'd call them Aunty or Uncle and to anyone we see in the area, we say hello or morning.

When I came to the UK, people just kept their heads down and just ignored each other. When I say hello to the mailman or cleaners or anyone nearby, they think I am some weirdo. Hell, I remember I was on the train with a mate passing through central London and I was smiling cause I was a happy person. He ask how I could smile and I just said, "I dunno, its natural". If some random guy wanted a random convo, I would engage. Just getting to know my fellow humans. I know it the city its easy to be to blend in and no one will notice you but sometimes its good for the heart and mind to just interact with those around you. Then again, thats the city. Rural areas are often different unless your purposely hide away.

Its my island attitude and adapting it to city life is what keeps me going.

Yes, I have had people comment on me smiling all the time as well. I just normally smile and would be weird for me not to. I have people just talk to me all the time whether I am in the city or the country, but I grew up and live outside of city limits as well so that may be a part of it too. Also, I think me being a girl though doesn't have the same " creep" factor as a guy smiling at another guy would. HAHA

Yeah, it's weirder if you are a guy. People think you are being a creep, perve or about to murder them. I know why some people would rather have their heads down and have a "moody" face on. The city life can be stressful as hell and sadly, and often dangerously, brings our mental and emotional state right down to the ground. Honestly, small talk can be very pleasing for some. Seeing as so many people in the world feel alone, a simple hello or acknowledge might brighten up their day.

Never look down on anyone no matter their status in society.

 

[sageoftruth]

I'm from the New England area, in the city where talking is pretty much like in parts of Europe. I'm pretty shy about approaching strangers, so I fit in pretty well with the culture, but I think we would be better off if we were more open. As Bobular pointed out, this kind of culture makes it hell when your job requires you to approach strangers in the street. Also, our personally insular culture just makes commuting awkward, since I always feel crushed by everyone's personal boundaries.

I don't blame anyone for being like that, since I act the same way myself, and our culture dictates that we act this way or violate our code of courtesy, but it would be nice if we were all more comfortable with each other.

 

[Saetha]

One of the biggest culture shocks to many Europeans coming to the US is how everyone talks to each other when they are complete strangers in the US. It doesn't matter if you know someone here or not, most people just casually talk to those standing near them here when out in public. So why is it most Europeans do not do the same? You would think with how much closer the communities are in Europe, the people would be just as close and friendly when near each other, but they are not. They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

In the US, it is rude not to talk to people and acknowledge them around you and ignore them and keep to yourself. It is frequently taken as thinking you are "too good" or "stuck up" or " snobbish" if you fail to acknowledge those around you and treat them as family, where in much of Europe, if you treat strangers as family they look at you like you are an alien. Why is it so weird to talk to each other in much of Europe?

I don't know, I live in Texas too and I consider it rude for people to just come up and talk to me. Or if not rude, at least awkward. Even when I'm just waiting around for the bus, I'd be annoyed by random strangers trying to make pointless small talk. I was on a three hour bus ride and got annoyed with the old man next to me who insisted on talking when I just wanted to sink into music and let the hours pass.

To me small talk is something to be endured, and preferably avoided. It is not the same as having a conversation with family and friends, and I would not casually disclose private information to someone I've never met simply because we're sitting next to each other on the tram. I do agree that in America there is an expectation to talk to people if you're in close-quarters and not engaged in something else - but personally it's an expectation that I hate. I'm not good at small talk, I'm not comfortable with strangers, I'd rather sit in thought than strike up conversation, and if our culture collectively decided to ditch the need to fill silence with empty noise, I'd be much happier for it. It's such a bother as it is now.

Really, American culture in general needs to stop assuming everyone's a extroverted social butterfly. There are a lot of things in this society that being quiet or introverted will get lock you out of.

 

[Saelune]

I don't know why, it just is.

Here (Norway) it is considered rude to strike up a conversation with a stranger at, say, a bus stop. Unless you are drunk.
We expect that others will not bother us unless absolutely necessary, and in return we will not bother them.

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

If I've already inconvenienced you by bumping in to you, then why would I inconvenience you further by delaying you with idle talk?
A quick nod of the head will do just fine, thank you.

Seconded. Danish guy here, pushing my company on people when i have no idea if they want to talk seems like the rude thing to do. Most small talk from Americans comes of as shallow and insincere to me. I talk with strangers when there is actually something to talk about.

While I do believe it's rude to start idle conversation with a stranger, not saying "Sorry" should you bump into someone is near goddamn criminal from where I stand.

My thought reading this "What are you, Canadian?" *checks* Well then.

That said, I also always apologize immediately if I even think I bumped someone, or hell, when they bumped me.

 

[fenrizz]

I don't know why, it just is.

Here (Norway) it is considered rude to strike up a conversation with a stranger at, say, a bus stop. Unless you are drunk.
We expect that others will not bother us unless absolutely necessary, and in return we will not bother them.

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

If I've already inconvenienced you by bumping in to you, then why would I inconvenience you further by delaying you with idle talk?
A quick nod of the head will do just fine, thank you.

So I have to wonder, how do couples meet each other if people don't talk in public to people they don't know? If guys never walked up and started talking to me, I would have never met them to date them.

Neighbors, friends of friends, the pub, the internet and so on.
I mean, people do get chatty when they drink.

As Bobular pointed out, this kind of culture makes it hell when your job requires you to approach strangers in the street.

If it were up to me it'd be a crime to approach people on the street to sell stuff.
I mean, here I am, going along and minding my own business and some random dude/dudette not only delay me, but tries to push me to buy stuff that I don't really want.

 

[Sonmi]

My thought reading this "What are you, Canadian?" *checks* Well then.

That said, I also always apologize immediately if I even think I bumped someone, or hell, when they bumped me.

As you should.

Apologizing is also expected when you are standing in the way of someone and you move out of the way (they should apologize to you as well), when ordering something at a bar or when asking for specific information at a restaurant, and before pretty much any social interaction with a stranger.

It's very basic politeness.

 

[Calyx_v1legacy]

Yeah I live in the UK and no one speaks to each other here, at least in the South of England. It's a little friendlier up North but probably not US level even then - in the countryside people can be friendlier though - but in towns and cities nope. I've heard our customer service is also very cold compared to other countries too.

 

[Frankster]

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

This is just BS of the highest order, in england at least if 2 people bump into each other, usually both parties will apologize by reflex regardless of whether they were at fault or not. People here apologize for everything.

But otherwise yeah, in my experience people don't usually randomly chat to each other about random trivial crap. I guess it's because it's seen as respecting each other's privacy and not wanting to invade their personal space by suddenly accosting them with dribble.

From your perspective it's rude to not greet and engage in superficial conversation with everyone you meet, but from ours it's rude to randomly accost people and corner them into an automated chat with only a limited range of socially acceptable responses (to not appear rude ironically).

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

This is just BS of the highest order, in england at least if 2 people bump into each other, usually both parties will apologize by reflex regardless of whether they were at fault or not. People here apologize for everything.

But otherwise yeah, in my experience people don't usually randomly chat to each other about random trivial crap. I guess it's because it's seen as respecting each other's privacy and not wanting to invade their personal space by suddenly accosting them with dribble.

From your perspective it's rude to not greet and engage in superficial conversation with everyone you meet, but from ours it's rude to randomly accost people and corner them into an automated chat with only a limited range of socially acceptable responses (to not appear rude ironically).

I was speaking of the Netherlands and Denmark specifically where I have seen this and people have told me it was common in much of Europe. The UK kinda does things a bit different than most other European nations as it is though, not just in their overly apologetic manner.

That is the thing, in the south, I don't think it is as superficial as people seem to think the small talk is. People genuinely know and care about members of their community here. When I moved in I had more than 20 people I did not know come to my door to welcome me to the neighborhood and bring me welcoming gifts. They actually are interested in getting to know each other here.

 

[Calyx_v1legacy]

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

This is just BS of the highest order, in england at least if 2 people bump into each other, usually both parties will apologize by reflex regardless of whether they were at fault or not. People here apologize for everything.

But otherwise yeah, in my experience people don't usually randomly chat to each other about random trivial crap. I guess it's because it's seen as respecting each other's privacy and not wanting to invade their personal space by suddenly accosting them with dribble.

From your perspective it's rude to not greet and engage in superficial conversation with everyone you meet, but from ours it's rude to randomly accost people and corner them into an automated chat with only a limited range of socially acceptable responses (to not appear rude ironically).

I was speaking of the Netherlands and Denmark specifically where I have seen this and people have told me it was common in much of Europe. The UK kinda does things a bit different than most other European nations as it is though, not just in their overly apologetic manner.

Every country is different in Europe. The differences between the UK and any other European nation are not greater than say the differences between Romania and Sweden. American's just tend to think the UK is more different, or more similar to the US, because of the language thing (even though almost every European nation speaks a different language.)

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

This is just BS of the highest order, in england at least if 2 people bump into each other, usually both parties will apologize by reflex regardless of whether they were at fault or not. People here apologize for everything.

But otherwise yeah, in my experience people don't usually randomly chat to each other about random trivial crap. I guess it's because it's seen as respecting each other's privacy and not wanting to invade their personal space by suddenly accosting them with dribble.

From your perspective it's rude to not greet and engage in superficial conversation with everyone you meet, but from ours it's rude to randomly accost people and corner them into an automated chat with only a limited range of socially acceptable responses (to not appear rude ironically).

I was speaking of the Netherlands and Denmark specifically where I have seen this and people have told me it was common in much of Europe. The UK kinda does things a bit different than most other European nations as it is though, not just in their overly apologetic manner.

Every country is different in Europe. The differences between the UK and any other European nation are not greater than say the differences between Romania and Sweden. American's just tend to think the UK is more different, or more similar to the US, because of the language thing (even though almost every European nation speaks a different language.)

Romania and Sweden is very different, but many of the Scandinavian nations are not as different in many of their social norms. Actually the language was not what is different. Them being apologetic and actually answering back at all when spoken to and not just look at you blankly and walk away is ALSO something different that they do. There are numerous differences among the UK than many other nations in terms of how people interact, everything from how shops interact to waitstaff. It is actually very different than say France or Germany as well.

 

[Calyx_v1legacy]

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

This is just BS of the highest order, in england at least if 2 people bump into each other, usually both parties will apologize by reflex regardless of whether they were at fault or not. People here apologize for everything.

But otherwise yeah, in my experience people don't usually randomly chat to each other about random trivial crap. I guess it's because it's seen as respecting each other's privacy and not wanting to invade their personal space by suddenly accosting them with dribble.

From your perspective it's rude to not greet and engage in superficial conversation with everyone you meet, but from ours it's rude to randomly accost people and corner them into an automated chat with only a limited range of socially acceptable responses (to not appear rude ironically).

I was speaking of the Netherlands and Denmark specifically where I have seen this and people have told me it was common in much of Europe. The UK kinda does things a bit different than most other European nations as it is though, not just in their overly apologetic manner.

Every country is different in Europe. The differences between the UK and any other European nation are not greater than say the differences between Romania and Sweden. American's just tend to think the UK is more different, or more similar to the US, because of the language thing (even though almost every European nation speaks a different language.)

Romania and Sweden is very different, but many of the Scandinavian nations are not as different in many of their social norms.

The Scandinavian countries have things in common because of closer historical/cultural ties, but Europe is not a homogeneous group. Much of Southern Europe is probably more 'extroverted' than Northern Europe.

OK you edited your post. I've been to a few European countries, and honestly I don't think the UK is exceptionally different. I felt Germany was more similar to the UK than France when I visited, but both are different to the UK and to each other, but that's just my opinion.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

They often do not even apologize for bumping each other, where if you did that here that might start a fight for being so rude.

This is just BS of the highest order, in england at least if 2 people bump into each other, usually both parties will apologize by reflex regardless of whether they were at fault or not. People here apologize for everything.

But otherwise yeah, in my experience people don't usually randomly chat to each other about random trivial crap. I guess it's because it's seen as respecting each other's privacy and not wanting to invade their personal space by suddenly accosting them with dribble.

From your perspective it's rude to not greet and engage in superficial conversation with everyone you meet, but from ours it's rude to randomly accost people and corner them into an automated chat with only a limited range of socially acceptable responses (to not appear rude ironically).

I was speaking of the Netherlands and Denmark specifically where I have seen this and people have told me it was common in much of Europe. The UK kinda does things a bit different than most other European nations as it is though, not just in their overly apologetic manner.

Every country is different in Europe. The differences between the UK and any other European nation are not greater than say the differences between Romania and Sweden. American's just tend to think the UK is more different, or more similar to the US, because of the language thing (even though almost every European nation speaks a different language.)

Romania and Sweden is very different, but many of the Scandinavian nations are not as different in many of their social norms.

The Scandinavian countries have things in common because of closer historical/cultural ties, but Europe is not a homogeneous group. Much of Southern Europe is probably more 'extroverted' than Northern Europe.

Of course Europe is not a homogeneous group, that is why I stated " some" and not all in the OP. Yes, when you get into Italy and Greece they are much more extroverted.