Everything you know about a game you've never actually played

[Dalisclock]

Nanomachines. Nanomachines? NANOMACHINES! RETCON! RETCON!

Big Boss. Big Boss? Big BOSS!

Johnny poops his pants a bunch. Ocelot is hilariously hammy. Snake is old and feels old. Raiden goes full anime because it RAINED THE DAY HE WAS BORN!

Also, Some Metal Gears with chicken legs.

There, you're caught up. You're welcome.

Aw, now that seems like the kind of nonsense a few bottles of wine and a like-minded friend could transform into worthwhile entertainment. And Raiden always came off as the type of character who would channel seasonal affective disorder when it suits him.

Honestly, The gameplay is pretty good for a fair bit of the game and the boss fights aren't bad either, but the game is overloaded with cutscenes that last way too long and don't say enough for their running time. I sat through them patiently, most of the time waiting for something interesting or insightful, and was often disappointed.

The only real standouts were the times Ocelot was on sceen being the worlds largest ham, which was more then enough to keep me going. And of course, the final fight at the end where Snake and Ocelot have a no holds barred brawl which is truly amazing(it really helps that at each stage of the battle, an iconic piece of music from the previous MGS games plays and the moveset shifts to reflect that particular game).

Kojima really just needs a damn editor. Someone to tell him to rein it in every so often so the cutscenes don't drag on past the point they were trying to make.

No mans sky

It's super pretty and you can explore the entire galaxy however you want. You'll spend a majority of that time finding fuel, looking for resources, running back and forth between resource clusters and your ship, mostly because the amount of inventory space you have on both you and your ship is far too small so it becomes very grindy, new, vastly more expensive ships do not help the storage problem much and all the planets are fairly similar.

But now theres base building and freighters and such. So there's that.

Outer Wilds

It's like Majoras Mask but with a spaceship made of duct tape and lumber in a very small solar system that's apparently very interesting.

Blasphemous

It's not out yet so nobody has played it , but anyway. It looks like the creators said "What if Dark Souls but 2d? And then make it look spanish and insert about 500% more catholic symbolism?"

Also, the twist is probably "God is Evil". Because that's always the twist when a Catholic-style Religion is in a video game("God is Dead/Powerless" is the 2nd most common) I will be quite shocked if this isn't the case.

Resident Evil

Umbrella makes zombies for some reason that presumably is meant to make a profit but I have no clue how that works, and they keep doing it despite how poorly it keeps ending for them. Ada Wong is a spy. Albert Wesker is a bad guy(apparently this was a surprise in the first one). Jill is apparently thick as a brick. Apparently there's a weird midget napoleon dude in 4. 2, 4 and 7 are apparently pretty good, 6 is apparently awful and then there's some side games.

 

[Inazuma1]

American McGee's Alice: Alice is cuckoo for coco puffs and goes back to Wonderland which is now corrupted by her mental illness. Runs on Quake 3 and has weird weapons that look like toys.

Zelda Breath of the Wild: Sandbox Zelda with breakable weapons. Sandbox meaning the structured narrative that Zelda is known for is completely fucked and difficulty curve is nonexistent unless you go straight from the beginning to the final boss like a total tryhard.

Fortnite: Battle Royale with construction and cel shaded graphics. Also the source of several overdone dance memes that make me want to shoot everyone who does them in the scrotum.

Mario Odyssey: Something something something hats. All the hats.

Suikoden: Final Fantasy, Konami Style. Stars of Destiny. Also, a sociopathic anime weeb created an otherkin cult based around the first game.

 

[bluegate]

American McGee's Alice: Alice is cuckoo for coco puffs and goes back to Wonderland which is now corrupted by her mental illness. Runs on Quake 3 and has weird weapons that look like toys.

Zelda Breath of the Wild: Sandbox Zelda with breakable weapons. Sandbox meaning the structured narrative that Zelda is known for is completely fucked and difficulty curve is nonexistent unless you go straight from the beginning to the final boss like a total tryhard.

Fortnite: Battle Royale with construction and cel shaded graphics. Also the source of several overdone dance memes that make me want to shoot everyone who does them in the scrotum.

Mario Odyssey: Something something something hats. All the hats.

Suikoden: Final Fantasy, Konami Style. Stars of Destiny. Also, a sociopathic anime weeb created an otherkin cult based around the first game.

What?

 

[Inazuma1]

Also, a sociopathic anime weeb created an otherkin cult based around the first game.

What?

It's true. Look up the Final Fantasy House episode of Down the Rabbit Hole on youtube.

 

[Dalisclock]

Destiny/Destiny 2

It's a looter shooter with some sci-fi/fantasy lore stuff attached. Peter Dinklege was a drone robot thing and then got replaced by Nolan North. There are grey people which might be aliens or might not be. There are colored engrams and shaders. There was a grind cave for a while people used to grind quickly before it was patched out. It got really good with the Taken King, Apparently. Then they made Destiny 2 and reset everything, and now it's apparently getting good again. Bungie split from EA because reasons and somehow took the IP with them, avoiding getting murdered by Papa Ea in the big Studio mass grave.

Division/Division 2

It's a looter shooter about a post apocalyptic America because of some dollar flu. You kill looters because they're stealing, but you spend most of the time killing people to take their stuff. You work for a secret government/military thing which has sleeper agents everywhere and this is ok and NOT POLITICAL!

 

[Inazuma1]

Destiny/Destiny 2
Bungie split from EA because reasons and somehow took the IP with them, avoiding getting murdered by Papa Ea in the big Studio mass grave.

Activision, not EA.

Zelda Twilight Princess: Link becomes a furry and a deformed munchkin rides him like a pony. ***** speaks backwards because reasons.

Witcher 2: Geralt gets framed for a political assassination and must clear his name but still finds time in his busy schedule to bone the hottest women in the land. Man's gotta have his priorities.

Blood 2 - The Chosen: Caleb is hunted by a reformed Cabal and kills them in response because that's what he does. Also the Chosen come back for no explained reason. First game released on the Lithtech engine. Game is blatantly unfinished and unfair because Monolith had their heads in the clouds and GT Interactive refused to delay the game since they were being bought out by Infogrames. The end result is a barely functioning train wreck that killed the Blood series. Duke Nukem was forced to pick up the slack but couldn't because George Broussard is a fucking tool.

Halo 4: Master Chief gets called back into action to fight a new alien threat now that an Arbiter led splinter group are trying to reform the Covenant and cut out the corruption from within. Cortana goes Rampant as part of a callback to Bungie's Marathon series despite this game not being developed by Bungie.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

From my backlog:

Middle-earth: Shadow of War: It's Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor but with microtransactions.

The Evil Within 2: The protagonist now has a beard and the plot follows one random document from the first game about his wife and kid burning down in a house. The game also goes flat-out Inception with its technology, sapping the horror angle clean.

Batman: Arkham Knight: The final final time [for realsies] Hammill voices the Joker.

inFAMOUS: Second Son: We don't know how to make a sequel to inFAMOUS 2 so let's just ignore it.

Bloodborne: Like Dark Souls but in a Gothic setting.

Nioh: Like Dark Souls but in a Japanese setting.

 

[Dalisclock]

Activision, not EA.

You're right, my bad.

Bloodborne: Like Dark Souls but in a Gothic setting.

I'm personally fond of BLUUUUUDDDDDDD Souls.


What's that Smell? It's BLUUUUDDDDDDD.

 

[Xprimentyl]

Pokemon: you trap wild animals inside impossibly small balls, then unleash them to fight other wild animals trapped in impossibly small balls. It's basically dog fighting, except it's kid friendly.

 

[CaitSeith]

Cthulhu Saves The World: Apparently Cthulhu saves the World.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

Honestly, The gameplay is pretty good for a fair bit of the game and the boss fights aren't bad either, but the game is overloaded with cutscenes that last way too long and don't say enough for their running time. I sat through them patiently, most of the time waiting for something interesting or insightful, and was often disappointed.

The only real standouts were the times Ocelot was on sceen being the worlds largest ham, which was more then enough to keep me going. And of course, the final fight at the end where Snake and Ocelot have a no holds barred brawl which is truly amazing(it really helps that at each stage of the battle, an iconic piece of music from the previous MGS games plays and the moveset shifts to reflect that particular game).

Kojima really just needs a damn editor. Someone to tell him to rein it in every so often so the cutscenes don't drag on past the point they were trying to make.

Yeah, have been wanting to try it out for a long whiles now due to, well..it being the only Kojima metal gear that's passed me by, and that it is allegedly a far better ending to the series than MGSV. Unfortunately it's not even available on PS now; Sony's streaming "backwards compatibility" service. A service that is best avoided at all costs, but I'd bite the bullet if it was the only way. It's funny, with those extended cutscenes he deadly loves, I remember being really impressed by them during younger years when they felt more unique and weird. Now though, they're more tiring than anything when it's clearer how much nonsense is being dragged out. That said, the compulsion to see what has yet to be seen hasn't faded one bit. Not much hope held for Konami doing anything to help that though, spiteful bastards they are.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Pokemon: you trap wild animals inside impossibly small balls, then unleash them to fight other wild animals trapped in impossibly small balls. It's basically dog fighting, except it's kid friendly.

And this fantasy animal fighting is done by prepubescent children who are free to roam the entire world without supervision and capture creatures which are quite capable of killing them (though they never do, because apparently the creatures want to be captured and trained to fight each other).

 

[Xprimentyl]

Pokemon: you trap wild animals inside impossibly small balls, then unleash them to fight other wild animals trapped in impossibly small balls. It's basically dog fighting, except it's kid friendly.

And this fantasy animal fighting is done by prepubescent children who are free to roam the entire world without supervision and capture creatures which are quite capable of killing them (though they never do, because apparently the creatures want to be captured and trained to fight each other).

So, animal cruelty, child neglect, child endangerment and animal Stockholm syndrome. Wow, something for the whole damn family. Sounds ripe for a live-action film with gritty realism; I?d watch that.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

David Cage's Omnicron

Bowie's in it.

David Cage's Heavy Rain

Jason? Jason! JASOOOOOOON. Jason.

David Cage's Beyond Two Souls

Ellen Page.

 

[Inazuma1]

David Cage's Heavy Rain

Jason? Jason! JASOOOOOOON. Jason.

Press X to SHAWN

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Dark Souls:
Not your daddy's videogame.

Gears of War:
It's on Xbox.

Warhammer 40K:
There're a lot of books and figurines and the lore is kind of a big deal.

 

[Remus]

Detroit: Become Human
It's Kara, the Game! Emoshuns! And

Spoiler

you won't believe the thing about that girl you're rescuing!

Gears of War
All around me are familiar faces AWW SH-- SPIDER

Halo
It's Unreal Tournament, with a plot, and a naked blue android AI because reasons.

 

[BrawlMan]

FFXV - Was originally going to be Versus XIII, but the story kept constantly changing. The main character looks like Sasuke Uchiha. That is not a good thing.

The Last of Us - A pompous zombie game with surprisingly good stealth and survival horror mechanics when playing on the hardest difficulty. Too bad the characters and story are over hyped and not that interesting. Resident Evil has better female characters.

Horizon Zero Dawn - Robot Dinosaurs! A white chick with cornrolls is the main character.

Monster Hunter World - Mixed matched dinosaurs and co-op! There are also dragons to be hunted for meat, clothing/armor, and weapons!

Infamous Second Son - An unnecessary sequel the true ending of the duology.

Prototype 2 - A bad fan fic that derails Alex Mercer. Good thing it is not canon.

Saints Row 3 - No one man should have all that power!

Saints Row 4 - The unofficial sequel to Prototype. There is a Streets of Rage mini game mode in the campaign.

 

[Inazuma1]

FFXV - Was originally going to be Versus XIII, but the story kept constantly changing. The main character looks like Sasuke Uchiha. That is not a good thing.

Noctis Uchiha is also a guest character in Tekken 7 and his "Ora!" move (b 1+2 I believe,) drives noobie players batshit because it has long range, tracking, and launches. He also has a braindead spammable combo in 2,2,2,2,2,2. No I'm not joking.

 

[Xprimentyl]

Prototype 2 - A bad fan fic that derails Alex Mercer. Good thing it is not canon.

Huh?

I loved Prototype 1 and greatly anticipated 2, but it was ultimately underwhelming insofar as it did very little to advance the IP gameplay-wise and the switch from the antihero Mercer to a strict protagonist in Heller was extremely cognitively dissonant given they were both equally morally ambiguous, but ?not canon?? As far as I?m aware, the IP has been iced, so without a Prototype 3 in the wings to right the ship, how do you figure 50% of the ?franchise? isn?t canon?

And I?d also argue calling it ?bad fan fic? isn?t quite right; a true fan of everything the first game is wouldn?t dream of taking it in the direction the devs actually did. The devs took everything great about the first game (i.e.: amoral, frenetic, psychopathic, visceral, gooey, over-the-top power fantasy) and tried to wrap it in a hero?s skin; no one wanted that. Playing as Mercer was fun; playing as Heller, while still mechanically fun, made no sense; the man on a noble revenge quest in the cutscenes did NOT match the ruthless monster the player controlled during gameplay.