Female Friendzone?

[Devetta]

I don't like the term friendzoned, however it is the best word for it that I can think of.
I have been friendzoned in the past and I have done it myself to a few male friends, you just have to be open and honest to avoid hurting both parties feelings and their friendship, the longer it goes on un-adressed the worse it gets for whoever has the crush.

It can be a thin line with friendships when it comes to feelings, you can go through so much together and due to events in life depend on one another in tough times. Which we can misinterpret as being in love.

When I was very depressed and in a horrible situation my best mate and I both started to have stronger feelings for one another, when voiced how we felt we decided to give it a go and after one week realised our friendship was more important than a relationship together, it simply wouldn't work.
We both regret the impulse, however we both rejoice that we didn't cling on to those feelings in an effort to make life "perfect", in reality it wouldn't have been and it would of ruined a 12 year friendship beyond repair.


...

I apologize if this doesn't quite make sense, my brain didn't want to work with my fingers, also how many times can I say the word friend in one post.

 

[Comocat]

I was friend-zoned with my wife for about 3 years before we finally settled things and got together. It was basically a mesh of her being "a cockblock" (her words) and me not wanting to alienate someone who was probably my best friend at the time. I think "friend-zone" is just a loaded word for two people who like each other but are at different places in their lives.

 

[BlackFlyme]

or separate yourself from her until you can get over it.

Plus, if they already have a well-established friendship, making the assumption that he/her just wanted to get in her/his pants should be a very difficult one. If two people are long-time friends, one of them confesses feelings, and then stays away for a while after the rejection, and the other is just immediately willing to assume that all of their previous experiences as friends was a sham, then it seems the friendship wasn't too solid to begin with.

I've witnessed similar things to this before, among some friends in high-school who were rejected. In most cases the rejector would become self-conscious and the friendship would dissolve because of the asker avoiding them.

Specifically avoiding another person can have a marked negative effect on them, as they may feel guilty for doing something "wrong", even though there was nothing wrong with what they did, or they may feel that there is something wrong with themselves that is causing the person to avoid them.

 

[senordesol]

More like, both failed and one is just taking it harder. There's nothing different about the rejection except the reaction, at least in your statement of the difference. And perhaps frequency. But in neither case does the rejection itself change.

True. And I'm not suggesting that the rejection, in itself, is so incredibly different. But that the circumstances of its occurrence are different. Again, I have previously stated that the 'friendzone' is a self-imposed depressive state. One that stems from an inability to meet romantic needs with those of whom you have the most in common.

I further posit that those susceptible to this are not necessarily strangers to rejection -that, indeed, it is likely that they are quite used to rejection. The word that gets thrown around here too casually, however, is 'entitlement' used in the negative to suggest that people are expecting something that they never had the right to expect. I think that's inaccurate in this context.

Those who are truly 'friendzoned' do not go in to the relationship 'expecting' it to wind up in a romantic fashion. They hope for it, they work for it, they pine for it, and even obsess over it; but an 'entitlement' to it is generally not expected. The fact is: the one is simply more emotionally invested than the other. The fact that they would be considered unsuitable as a mate no matter what they do is a looming prospect (and, often, an outright fact) and that knowledge is painful.

It is one thing to be familiar with someone in passing and to then take a shot and to have that shot fall short. It is quite another to feel a deep emotional connection with someone, someone who brightens your day just for being in it, someone who occupies the fore-front of your mind, and to then attempt to share that connection with that person, and then to have those affections spurned, AND THEN to be left bereft, heartbroken, and so terribly alone with each passing day with them a loud and ever-present reminder that you will NEVER mean to them what they mean to you.

Yes, in both cases, a simple rejection is being issued, but the nature of that rejection with regard to the emotional, personal, and material investment to one of those parties is so completely and inescapably crushing that it deserves its own label.

 

[XMark]

Funny thing - the girl I'm currently dating, I've known her for a couple of years. She's quite attractive, but I never really considered her as a potential partner. Not because there was anything wrong with her, just that I never really gave it much thought. And I sort of assumed she was out of my league too, I guess.

A couple of months ago she kind of started acting differently around me, kind of subtly flirting and engineering situations in which we get some one-on-one time together. That's when I started really thinking about it and I eventually responded to her subtle advances with more overt advances of my own (which worked, yay!).

Now, I am not exactly a suave ladies man, I haven't dated in years. I'm quite shy and I've let myself fall into the old "waaaah girls don't like nice guys like me" kind of thinking, and I've certainly been friend-zoned before.

So it was quite an interesting revelation to me that I had been unwittingly been friend-zoning this very attractive woman for at least a few months, simply because I had never really considered the possibility until she began to send signals my way.

So yeah, the female friendzone is a thing.

I guess the big thing, whether you're male or female, is to let your feelings be known, or at least drop strong hints about it. I mean, you can't expect someone to read your mind!

 

[hooblabla6262]

I've had female friends who liked me, who I did not like back romantically. Mostly because I didn't find them attractive. So yes, woman can be "friendzoned". And some woman, like some men, get hung up about it and find people to complain about it too (on the internet, or otherwise).

I would assume that attractiveness (or lack of) is the main cause of the "friendzone", cause why the hell would you be friends with someone whose personality you didn't like.
If someone tells you otherwise, they're probably lying.

And remember, there is always someone out there who will find you attractive. Yes, even you.

 

[Lilani]

I've witnessed similar things to this before, among some friends in high-school who were rejected. In most cases the rejector would become self-conscious and the friendship would dissolve because of the asker avoiding them.

Specifically avoiding another person can have a marked negative effect on them, as they may feel guilty for doing something "wrong", even though there was nothing wrong with what they did, or they may feel that there is something wrong with themselves that is causing the person to avoid them.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid comparing that happened in gradeschool to how real, adults behave at all costs. Because from what I've seen in the four short years it's been since I graduated high school, the way people behave there and the way people actually behave are two completely different sets of behavior. Everybody's all crammed together and you can never get personal space or establish barriers...high school is nothing like real-life, and most often neither are the relationships that occur there ;-)

Anyway, I only listed the "avoid her until you get over it" thing because the only alternative is to stick it out and pretend nothing happened, which I understand is just impossible sometimes. And yes the friendship might disintegrate in the process, but you're out of the "friend zone" and if you really just can't stand to be around her anymore then it was pretty inevitable from the start. Again, the "friendzone" is just a point of transition. It shouldn't be a long-term state of being, and nor is it something that's inescapable. You can get out, you can always get out. You may not like what happens when you get out, in which case I can see why some might find wallowing there more appealing, but sitting there and trying to will someone else into liking you is just unhealthy.

 

[Lilani]

I would assume that attractiveness (or lack of) is the main cause of the "friendzone", cause why the hell would you be friends with someone whose personality you didn't like.
If someone tells you otherwise, they're probably lying.

Just because you like someone's personality doesn't mean you'll automatically like them romantically. I like my mom's personality but that doesn't mean I want to be romantically involved with her.

 

[Pink Gregory]

I don't think I've ever met a girl who had friend zoned themselves

I read this out of context at first, and was amused at the possibility.

 

[Phasmal]

I would assume that attractiveness (or lack of) is the main cause of the "friendzone", cause why the hell would you be friends with someone whose personality you didn't like.
If someone tells you otherwise, they're probably lying.

Just because you like someone's personality doesn't mean you'll automatically like them romantically. I like my mom's personality but that doesn't mean I want to be romantically involved with her.

Yeah, this, most of my friends are guys. And I like all of them, but I wouldn't date any of them*.
It can be due to not being attracted to them physically, but other times it will be you just have no attraction to them at all, no chemistry. Or you like most of their personality but disagree with them strongly on things you find important.
Lots of reasons really.

*Luckily for me, despite what many people say, males can be friends with women without fancying them.

 

[Lilani]

I would assume that attractiveness (or lack of) is the main cause of the "friendzone", cause why the hell would you be friends with someone whose personality you didn't like.
If someone tells you otherwise, they're probably lying.

Just because you like someone's personality doesn't mean you'll automatically like them romantically. I like my mom's personality but that doesn't mean I want to be romantically involved with her.

Yeah, this, most of my friends are guys. And I like all of them, but I wouldn't date any of them*.
It can be due to not being attracted to them physically, but other times it will be you just have no attraction to them at all, no chemistry. Or you like most of their personality but disagree with them strongly on things you find important.
Lots of reasons really.

*Luckily for me, despite what many people say, males can be friends with women without fancying them.

Exactly. There's a difference between loving someone as a friend and having romantic chemistry. While they aren't always mutually exclusive, they most often are. Otherwise everyone would be in the strange predicament of being in love with everybody they consider to be friends, which would just be really confusing, lol.

 

[Mutie]

The friendzone is something you do to yourself. Usually when you pretend to care about someone as a friend so you can get in their pants.

Hmmm... I think the trouble starts when you genuinely care about someone as a friend, but still want to get in their pants (for want of a better term). And you anxiety about ruining a friendship which makes you happy means taking too long and, whoops, fucking friendzone.

 

[senordesol]

More like, both failed and one is just taking it harder. There's nothing different about the rejection except the reaction, at least in your statement of the difference. And perhaps frequency. But in neither case does the rejection itself change.

True. And I'm not suggesting that the rejection, in itself, is so incredibly different. But that the circumstances of its occurrence are different. Again, I have previously stated that the 'friendzone' is a self-imposed depressive state. One that stems from an inability to meet romantic needs with those of whom you have the most in common.

I further posit that those susceptible to this are not necessarily strangers to rejection -that, indeed, it is likely that they are quite used to rejection. The word that gets thrown around here too casually, however, is 'entitlement' used in the negative to suggest that people are expecting something that they never had the right to expect. I think that's inaccurate in this context.

Those who are truly 'friendzoned' do not go in to the relationship 'expecting' it to wind up in a romantic fashion. They hope for it, they work for it, they pine for it, and even obsess over it; but an 'entitlement' to it is generally not expected. The fact is: the one is simply more emotionally invested than the other. The fact that they would be considered unsuitable as a mate no matter what they do is a looming prospect (and, often, an outright fact) and that knowledge is painful.

It is one thing to be familiar with someone in passing and to then take a shot and to have that shot fall short. It is quite another to feel a deep emotional connection with someone, someone who brightens your day just for being in it, someone who occupies the fore-front of your mind, and to then attempt to share that connection with that person, and then to have those affections spurned, AND THEN to be left bereft, heartbroken, and so terribly alone with each passing day with them a loud and ever-present reminder that you will NEVER mean to them what they mean to you.

Yes, in both cases, a simple rejection is being issued, but the nature of that rejection with regard to the emotional, personal, and material investment to one of those parties is so completely and inescapably crushing that it deserves its own label.

How is this a 'friendzone'? You're talking about someone being unhappy because of constant rejection, but I'm not seeing how this matches up with any other use of friendzone that I've seen. Hell, your description doesn't even require them to be or want to remain friends.

Perhaps you should read it again, or read my other posts on the topic.

For expediency, however, I'll try again: The 'friendzone' is a self-imposed depressive and obsessive state of mind that stems from either the knowledge or the belief that your romantic needs cannot be met compounded by the fact or notion that even those with whom you have the most in common and are the most personally invested in are not interested in meeting those needs and never will be.

So that's my definition of it. I think it's both concise and accurate. I go on, however, to illustrate a typical example: One who finds themselves in the 'friendzone' is often very unlucky in love, and finds it difficult to (or outright cannot) find mates outside his circle of friends. Turning to his circle of friends, he may develop feelings for a suitable mate in that circle and will often times invest a great deal of time, energy, and resources in attempts to prove himself a worthy mate for her before declaring his intentions (if he ever develops the courage to do so). It is important to remember here that he is doing these things not so much to 'win' her as it is to demonstrate that he truly cares about her. So these are not 'investments' in the traditional sense (i.e. financing with the expectation of return), but are rather exposures of the very soul of his affections. He is figuratively giving a 'piece' of himself to her in the hopes that she will accept 'all' of him. Again, this is a hope, not an expectation. This is not understood as a transaction, but -in a sense- a proposal. To reject this, as it is to destroy any object of emotional attachment to any person (like a pet or a child), is extremely painful. Frustration at this is compounded when the object of desire frequently complains that her dalliances continually fall short in areas our 'friendzoned' chum feels he is more than adequate and the obvious alternative. Again, it is important to remember here that he is unlikely to be able to pursue other romantic interests. It is with this and ONLY this person of affection that he feels any strong connection on the most personal level.

The frustration here, however, truly stems -not from her rejection itself- but the suspicion or knowledge that he simply cannot measure up, no matter how hard he tries. That, because of some immutable personal failing on his behalf, she will never feel the same about him as he does her. She enjoys his company, and actively seeks it out. She enjoys his interests and enjoys the sharing of those interests with him. But she is not interested in him, because somewhere -somehow- he falls short of what she's looking for in a mate -and he hates himself for it.

Better?

 

[Malty Milk Whistle]

I've known that girls have had feelings for me, but they weren't reciprocated. I gently said as such to them. No big deal. Emotions happen!

 

[ellieallegro]

People put themselves in the "friendzone" by not being honest with their feelings when it first comes up. Personally, I have given and received the "just friends" status with alot of people. It's really no big deal you just move on to someone else who you fancy. As a bonus, this also frees you up for putting energy in pursing someone who might return your affection.

It's really pretty simple: When you start to have feelings for a friend... just say hey I enjoy hanging out and spending time with you and I would love to go out officially on a date. They will either say yes or no. Then you can be all hey that's awesome or no big just thought I would ask... movin on.

 

[hooblabla6262]

I would assume that attractiveness (or lack of) is the main cause of the "friendzone", cause why the hell would you be friends with someone whose personality you didn't like.
If someone tells you otherwise, they're probably lying.

Just because you like someone's personality doesn't mean you'll automatically like them romantically. I like my mom's personality but that doesn't mean I want to be romantically involved with her.

Yeah, this, most of my friends are guys. And I like all of them, but I wouldn't date any of them*.
It can be due to not being attracted to them physically, but other times it will be you just have no attraction to them at all, no chemistry. Or you like most of their personality but disagree with them strongly on things you find important.
Lots of reasons really.

*Luckily for me, despite what many people say, males can be friends with women without fancying them.

Exactly. There's a difference between loving someone as a friend and having romantic chemistry. While they aren't always mutually exclusive, they most often are. Otherwise everyone would be in the strange predicament of being in love with everybody they consider to be friends, which would just be really confusing, lol.

Yes, there are many different reasons. I'd say the most common one is attraction. You can call it "romantic chemistry", but that's just fancy talk for "I'm not attracted to them, but don't know what to call it".
And the mom example is poor, cause (and I'm just assuming here) there is very little in this world that would cause you to be attracted to your mother.

Now I'm not saying that you can't be romantically reluctant with some friends for reasons other than attraction. I have plenty of female friends with whom I would not date, even if they are good looking girls.
But I feel as if levels of attraction play a greater role in most cases than you are willing to admit, but maybe I just have warped expectations of people.

 

[Theminimanx]

Goddamnit I hate this "friend zone" bullshit about it being about getting into someone's pants. FUCKING STOP ASSUMING THAT.

Yes, that is the case sometimes, but to just unequivocally make that statement is a gross misrepresentation of the entire issue. A friend zone can be anything and it is indeed a legit problem for some people.


As for the topic, yes. Girls get friend zoned all the time. Half the albums Taylor Swift puts out addresses that. It's just not as big of an issue for them normally because they don't have to go through the "first move" stuff. And there is always another guy waiting in reserve who would happily take her. So more often than not, they can settle instead of being outright rejected.

And I say this as a social psychology major.

Don't you think that's a bit of a generalization?

I will say, though, that I agree in that I don't understand the outright hostility taken toward people in the 'friendzone'. I've been in the friendzone. Alot. It sucks. And had nothing to do with sex.

Is it really so inconceivable that you'd like someone as a person so much, that you'd like to know them better as a potential mate? Is the frustration and angst that stems from the knowledge or the fear that making a move might push them away forever really so unrelatable? Is the notion that someone could be so socially awkward and lacking in confidence (or looks) that the idea of seeking out other prospects is too daunting really so foreign?

I can easily see (and have seen) both males and females in the 'friendzone'. Be it a problem with your looks, social graces, or confidence; it's real fucking easy to land yourself there and stick.

Perhaps this will help you understand why everyone thinks that "a guy bring your friend = backstabber son of a *****"

Aww, you ninja'd me.
Well then I shall just take my video elsewhere...

OT:
I think she is making a good point about "nice guys" and the "friend zone" etc., so her video is definitely worth a look.

I'm kinda supposed to be doing homework now, so I don't have the time to watch a 30 minute video. Can you summarise what's in it?

 

[Lilani]

Yes, there are many different reasons. I'd say the most common one is attraction. You can call it "romantic chemistry", but that's just fancy talk for "I'm not attracted to them, but don't know what to call it".
And the mom example is poor, cause (and I'm just assuming here) there is very little in this world that would cause you to be attracted to your mother.

Now I'm not saying that you can't be romantically reluctant with some friends for reasons other than attraction. I have plenty of female friends with whom I would not date, even if they are good looking girls.
But I feel as if levels of attraction play a greater role in most cases than you are willing to admit, but maybe I just have warped expectations of people.

I really don't like calling it "attraction" because I feel like that doesn't delineate between pure physical attraction and romantic chemistry. I don't like conflating the two because I think it's more complicated than that. One does not necessarily lead to the other, but sometimes it can. I don't see them as the same thing, because if physical attraction on its own is always the silver bullet when it comes to true love then that doesn't explain why old couples can remain in love long into their golden years. There is an element of physical attraction to love, to be sure, but if that's all you're going to base your relationships on then they aren't going to have much staying power, and you're going to have to rely upon you're going to hope both of your standards change as you get up in years.

Also, I think the definition you provided for "romantic chemistry" is exactly the opposite of what I meant. It's not "I'm not attracted to them and I don't know what to call it," having romantic chemistry is "I'm attracted to them and I don't know exactly why."