Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I've never been friends with a woman.

And nothing more need be said on the matter, really.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate women. I have excellent relations with my friends' girlfriends that seem exactly like frienship on the outside. It's just that I realize that once they part with my friends I probably won't see them much and that I'm not supposed to bother them with my shit. I know they won't run into a burning house to save me like my friends would (and I would for them).

While I feel that true friends, male or female WILL be there for you through the hangover, and much more, are you saying that if you are attracted to a girl, you wouldn't want her to be there trying to make sure you didn't swallow your tongue?

The hangover was a metaphor for bad times. I just can't shake off this feeling that "cool girls" (the type I'm (probably unfortunately) attracted to) are like Cartman followers in "You have 0 friends" episode of South Park: once your stocks go down, they'll dump you without hestitation. Besides what's the point of being friends instead of being lovers with an attractive girl and what's the point in hanging around ugly women (maybe I'm yet to see a woman with fascinating personality, which I don't want to have sex with).

I think that may be all in your head, maybe an insecurity issue around women you are attracted to.
What is the point of being friends with an ugly hairy dude if your not attracted to them either? It boils down to common interests and personalities.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

I am quite honestly appalled. This is one of the most sexist things I've seen in a while - and I hang out on the internet. "Things that women say they care about but don't"... and strangers who aren't in their heads and claim to speak for the entire female sex would know better than these silly deceitful women, would they? I cannot believe this absolute bile even exists.

I'm not sure I agree with calling this sexist. It has pretty terrible views on the entire human race not just woman. Do you honestly think guys like people saying that all we ever want from women is sex? It's pretty much just hateful to everyone.

No, no, I absolutely agree with you. I think it's horrible to say that about men, basically reduces them to a walking penis. It's still sexist though - just against both sexes. Misogynist and misandrist.

 

[Judgement101]

If that is your stance then I shall make my own. It is made by girls who claim it was made by guys who claim it was made bu girls so they have an excuse to not go out with someone.

+1 confusion

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

If that is your stance then I shall make my own. It is made by girls who claim it was made by guys who claim it was made bu girls so they have an excuse to not go out with someone.

+1 confusion

It's not you, It's me. =)

 

[agrajagthetesty]

I've never been friends with a woman. Of course some of them are tons of fun to be around and you might even think that you understand each other very well, but once you're ears-deep in shit and there is something else than "being there for you" that you need help with, forget about you female friends. They'll join you in drinking, but won't stick around for the hangover. [...] I am talking about about girls attractive enough to be consider a relationship with. I don't care that some beast is always there for (some of) you.

Nice job saying that girls who are too unattractive for you to consider having sex with them don't count as women.

 

[lordmardok]

The best way to remove yourself from the friend zone: Be a man, wrestle a walrus.

 

[gazumped]

I can't date someone who isn't my close friend first.

If a guy asks me out within a short while of me meeting him, I laugh and brush it off with no interest whatsoever. I may develop interest if he carries on trying to get to know me, but it'd take several months.
I'd rather risk ruining a friendship than be intimate with a semi-stranger.

I may be in the minority here, though.

I will say that the only situation I know where a girl told a guy she didn't want to go out with him because she only thought of him as a friend, she admitted to me that the truth was she just found him unattractive. He kept trying to convince her it didn't matter that they were friends and things could be so much more awesome between them. Was kind of heartbreaking to see him being so insistent when the truth was he literally had no chance.

 

[Elamdri]

TL;DR: The whole "friend zone" thing is just preposterous, when it comes to serious relationships.

There's a difference between what the friend zone is and how you get there. The Friend Zone is when a man is in love with a woman but she only considers him a friend. That situation most certainly DOES exist. Now, how you end up in a situation like that can vary.

Also, relationships can form from friendships

Which is why most guys tend to languish in the friend zone. There is a belief that you can make a woman grow to love you over time. Now, it's not impossible for people to grow attracted to each other over time, however, it's not a risk that normally pays off, which tends to be the big problem with the friend zone. You end up with a guy banking a LOT on a woman growing to love him over time, which just doesn't happen enough for the strategy to be worth it.

 

[Haydyn]

She has a boyfriend and it doesn't bother me because he treats her like gold.

(...) I guess girls just like guys that fuck them, treat them like shit, get them pregant, and leave.

Hmmmmmmm.

Rofl waffles, you haven't seen her exes or the guys other girls I know date.

 

[Arsen]

It comes down to one simple fact:

Women have more options than men typically due. Hence the "guy friend" will often want more than just a mere friendship, but overall I agree with the OP. The "Friend Zone" is male concept centered around making the female seem like the bad person, as if she is obligated to date you, have sex with you, etc...just because you don't have the options that she does.

And yeah, a good amount of people who view themselves as "confident, intelligent, humble human beings" aren't necessarily within their own league here and there. To make matters worse, they perceive themselves are higher than what they are... I used to do this quite a bit. Then I realized that ultimately, my views on the matter were shallow and self-catering.

Even then, a good portion of people view themselves as more good looking than they actually are.

Now I just don't give a shit about looks at all. If someone isn't going to give me consideration based upon my looks alone then I immediately conclude they aren't simply worth my time if they only skim the surface of the dating requirements. Some hold onto old mentalities and it never leaves because it empowers them, yet others truly do humble themselves as time goes on.

Shrug.
Make what you want of it.

 

[Micalas]

This is why I only have one female friend. I have enough friends, I don't need more. Especially not ones that expect from you the emotional support of a boyfriend without the benefits.

The reason you have only one female friend is because you see it as a chore. If you think that girls are too much effort 'cos they spend so much time crying, you're not gonna have many who bother with your time.

OT: The friend zone is, to me, when things would just be weird. I've never had to tell a guy that they're in the friend zone, cause it's usually mutual: I have a couple of guy friends who qualify, and we're more like brother and sister. Getting physical would be like trying to trying to get with my brother, y'know?

(captcha: riallase calmly)

I don't see having a female friend as a chore. I see having a girl that I like as a friend as a chore. I didn't ask a girl to dinner or the movies because I wanted to start a friendship. I wouldn't have asked her out on a date if I wanted a friendship. My one female friend was not one I asked out. As such she is and has always been seen as a friend. I'm more than willing to give her emotional support when she's having problems because that's what I do as a friend. I am not interested, however, in having a friendship with a girl who turns me down.

I'm not saying she had to say yes. That's her decision. But I had one reason for talk to her and she doesn't want that. As such, our business is concluded.

 

[Chemical Alia]

That's not what I'm talking about. I was talking about a situation where a guy was absolutely showering the girl with attention, and clearly wanted to be more than friends, and while the girl didn't want that, enjoyed the attention. I have actual female friends as well, and it's a very different relationship than what that post was talking about. It doesn't help that the guy I was quoting accidentally deleted his post; it makes more sense in context.

Edit: Actually, what I was talking about was a combination of what I described above, and what was actually going on in the post I quoted. Apparently, the poor guy was friends with this girl, and neither one of them wanted to be more than that. However, if she was going through a rough time, she would go over to his house, and they would cuddle. She even called him her "cuddle buddy." The first time he had a bad day and needed the same thing in return, she got upset, because she apparently considered it a one way deal. I wish I could remember the exact wording; it ended with a pun on the word "used."

Ah okay, gotcha. That context is definitely helpful.

 

[shitoutonme]

You're just a girl I want to bone silly.

Well, at least she'd know you never respected her in the first place and she was right to reject you. You're doing a service to the community by confirming that she made the right choice ;3

Youd rather guys continue lying to you?
Id take a honest asshole over a two faced, deceitful, game playing mother fucker any day of the week.
Like it or not, at least with those who admit to believing in the ladder theory, you know exactly where you stand. The others, are probably lying but you can't tell.

The ladder theory is completely bullshit I don't want to sleep with any of my female friends

Thing is, you're only talking about yourself. For all you know, you're part of a 5% statistic of guys who don't want to shag all their female friends and associates. As always, theories like these only attempt to reflect the majority of people, and frankly, there are many who will find merit in the ladder theory.

I, for one, am not looking for a serious relationship. As far as romance and women are concerned, I'm just trying to get some action. The whole concept of running around, trying to find a life partner is unappealing to me. Maybe it's just because I'm 21 (the official age on my profile might say differently, I was just filling out the sign up quickly), vibrant, and too concerned about having fun and living life to give a damn, but I really don't understand why/how cats fall so head-over-heels for some girls. I mean, there are so many women out there, so many different personalities, so many different interests - it just seems... self-denying to just limit yourself to only one girl. Now, I'm not encouraging infidelity here; I just currently believe relationships have expiration dates. As long as it's fun and refreshing to be around a certain girl, I stay with her and only her, but when the excitement and fun wanes, and I begin to find her annoying, insufferable, etc, I move on to the next girl. Upon hearing this, people usually tell me that my relationships are shallow and pointless, and yet, none of them have been able to convince me that their "long haul" relationships are any more substantial. All I usually see are two people who are forcing themselves to stay together after the spark has faded, and I'm sure as hell not down with that B.S.

But I guess that's a whole 'nother thread altogether...

Back to the topic: I suppose the majority of men and women will never see eye-to-eye on this issue, especially on where blame is due, but c'mon, you guys put yourselves in that position. False hope and denial isn't healthy, and if you see that a girl keeps going after douchebags, well, why not become one? What, your pride? Self-respect? Moral snobbery? None of those are getting you any ass, so...

 

[artanis_neravar]

Back to the topic: I suppose the majority of men and women will never see eye-to-eye on this issue, especially on where blame is due, but c'mon, you guys put yourselves in that position. False hope and denial isn't healthy, and if you see that a girl keeps going after douchebags, well, why not become one? What, your pride? Self-respect? Moral snobbery? None of those are getting you any ass, so...

You are all sorts of delusional, once you are past high school the majority of girls do not like douchebags, it's not about how much "ass" you get it's about how happy you are, those guys that sleep with every girl they can may think they are happy but in reality they aren't you can argue all you want but you will be incorrect. For all the people I have seen those in committed happy relationships are always happier then those just sleeping around.

 

[JMeganSnow]

"if a guy waits too long to ask you out, you will no longer consider him a possible romantic partner"

^This is what I am referring to when I say friend zone

In my personal experience, this is largely true. Granted, it may vary for different women, but it has to do with how (perhaps) a large number of women connect with their sexuality. For (perhaps) a large number of us, we interact with guys in one of two ways: mate, or mama. With (PERHAPS) most women, once you enter the "friend zone", you might as well be her brother or son. You're an obligation she has to take care of and groom--maybe not an unwelcome one, but that's what you are.

It's not hopeless, you *can* get back over to the "I'm actually male" side, but you're going to need to demonstrate some significant independence and even indifference in order to do so. You're going to have to stop being a needy hanger-on of the woman you like and start being a rock she can either lean on or pummel without affecting it much.

And if you prefer not to wind up in the friend zone accidentally, don't act like a girl. If a woman wants to talk to you about her feelings/problems/whatever, sure, go on and listen. But don't *empathize*. (And don't try to "fix" her problems by pointing out what she's doing wrong, that'll put you in the "jerk" zone.) You don't have to listen with interest (in fact, it's better that you don't), but do listen with PATIENCE. When she starts to wind down, make some comment that shows you were at least paying attention, but don't agree with her that Shirl is a ***** or her boss totally doesn't pay her enough or whatever. It feels good to know that someone who isn't particularly interested in your problems nevertheless is willing to listen and pay attention while you blither. And the indifference to the problems themselves (not to you) makes you feel even better, because they start feeling like little problems.

 

[Judgement101]

If that is your stance then I shall make my own. It is made by girls who claim it was made by guys who claim it was made bu girls so they have an excuse to not go out with someone.

+1 confusion

It's not you, It's me. =)

what?

+10 confusion

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Having thought about this issue some more, I'm really starting to wish that guys would just drop the whole "friends zone" thing and be honest with themselves. How about, instead of saying "I really liked this girl but she friend zoned me", you just say "I really liked this girl but she wasn't sexually interested in me, although she apparently didn't mind my personality despite my latent misogyny. I then found it very difficult to deal with and accept her unspoken or spoken rejection. I became angry and embittered, went into denial, and started blaming the girl for her heinous crime of not wanting to have sex with me"?

Less snappy, sure. But accurate.

Only if you ignore the fact that the guys who get friend zoned only stay there because of the mixed messages the girl is sending them. Guys who have been friend zoned have good reason to be bitter; the girl they're attracted to has been leading them on, potentially (read:frequently) for months. And yes, I do mean leading them on -- the put down that puts one in the friend zone always leaves just a sliver of hope. It's usually a variation of "it's not you, it's me," and if the "let's just be friends" speech is there, it's almost always tacked on at the end of something like "I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now, but we can be friends!" Instead of turning you down, the girl makes it look like she'd totally be dating you if there weren't other factors in her life. It's manipulative, and its very real.

 

[shitoutonme]

Back to the topic: I suppose the majority of men and women will never see eye-to-eye on this issue, especially on where blame is due, but c'mon, you guys put yourselves in that position. False hope and denial isn't healthy, and if you see that a girl keeps going after douchebags, well, why not become one? What, your pride? Self-respect? Moral snobbery? None of those are getting you any ass, so...

You are all sorts of delusional, once you are past high school the majority of girls do not like douchebags, it's not about how much "ass" you get it's about how happy you are, those guys that sleep with every girl they can may think they are happy but in reality they aren't you can argue all you want but you will be incorrect. For all the people I have seen those in committed happy relationships are always happier then those just sleeping around.

Look, I'm not gonna sit here and play the "you're wrong" game with you over something completely relative. You obviously have experience that is completely opposite of my own. The very fact that you claim "once you are past high school the majority of girls do not like douchebags" proves this. I'm not gonna say that that is a misconception, even though it goes against everything I see, hear, and experience personally, because this is the internet. I can't tell if you're some woman-worshiping sap, or if you're being genuine.

Plus, you have to consider the possible reasons why we have contrary experiences. A good one would be the environments we live in, and I have little doubt that that's probably the main reason. It might be entirely possible that, in your area, women get over that whole phase of dating douchebags after high school, but from where I'm from and the places I've been to, there's little difference in taste between a 35-year-old woman and a 16-year-old as far as I can see.

Hell, maybe my views are jaded, and maybe yours are too. Who's to tell? You'd have to be one arrogant little bastard to think that your own experience holds true 100% of the time for everyone else, but even so, one can only really live by what they see and hear with their own senses. That being said, acting accordingly by what I've experienced has done wonders for me, so why should I suddenly start doing different just because you claim I'm delusional? Apparently, my delusions extend to my reality and affect the people around me.

In the end, you can only go with what works for you...

 

[Bob Hoss]

Personally, the're a lot of people I've stuck in the Friend Zone. The most common reason being that I just plain wasn't attracted to them, nor did I want to be.If I'm perfectly content being just friends, why should we add sex to the whole deal?

Besides,if I enter into a romantic relationship with someone I'm just plain not interested in, that's just being cruel. Even more cruel, considering that we were friends.

But I see your point. The ideal dating relationship is between two people who are friends first and lovers second. The progression makes sense, but if that spark just isn't there...

 

[Daffy F]

As you saw in that other thread, OP, my opinion is that of whether it exists or not, if you care about the person, then it won't matter that she didn't choose you.

I may not be a girl, but the friends that I have agree with my opinion on this. The girl will appreciate you more if you stick around and don't just get hurt and give her up like a bad job when she turns you down.

Friends are more important than romantic relationships!

I would love to hear some female perspectives on this "phenomeneon" though!

I hear that. That's what I usually try to do, although one of my more recent girlfridnds had to go into hospital immediately after we broke up, and that ended up being VERY awkward after she got out a couple of months later :S Ah well...