Friends Zone (AKA why aren't we doing this?)

[ramboondiea]

i hate it when people talk about this friend zone crap, because the general implication is tat if you do the things you just described, then it must because im in an hopeless situation, and not because im just a nice guy who cares about my friends.

i also ate it when the lad who seems to think themselves in this situation always complain that the girl picks bastards and tat they are perfect for them, well your not some cross between Casanova and cyrano and its far to presumptuous to think otherwise.

 

[Doclector]

It's annoying, true, but I realise now "friend" is the only position I can ever gain, hell, I'm lucky for just that. I'm an abomination, disgusting, insane, barely qualifiable as human. The only purpose I may serve is as that problem dump. I reject that, then I truly am of no use to anyone.

So I understand. People like to talk about their s*** to me for some reason, but they would never want to look at me, not for too long, and definately not everyday.

 

[Arehexes]

Well to be fair what he described is someone who is self important and feels that he is not a dick so he should get the girl. Now I'm a nice guy, and I don't mind helping someone or doing something but I do put my foot down when I'm sick of something. My last girl friend claim I never talk to her even though she never picks up her phone, and she never responds to her IM's I send her and I told her multiple times I hate texting. Now I first tried to be rash with her, but I told her I'm sick of her crap and I am not in the mood to deal with her crap; I let her know that I called her and she had nothing but excuses for why she would never pick up and I'm done with it. And about the whole "the blame doesn't lie on the crush" it kinda does. You can have reason besides I don't want to date you rather then "it can ruin the friendship" because it wouldn't be fair to then turn around and whine about the guy you picked over him. I know dating has to be meet eye to eye with both parties, but it gets old when someone says "I don't wanna ruin the friendship". But then again since people don't know what they want (guys or girls) it's confusing on what someone should do.

Um, no. It's not the crush's fault if they don't want to be in a relationship with that person.

I agree that girls who whine about their boyfriends to their guy friends are annoying as hell...but that's when the message should be clear: DON'T BE THIS WOMAN'S FRIEND.

If you really are having issues like that, then why are you friends in the first place?

I know it's not the crush's fault I said both parties have to meet eye to eye if we are talking about dating.

I know dating has to be meet eye to eye with both parties

All I'm saying is the whole "I don't wanna date you because it will ruin the friendship" is crap because odds are good that same girl will turn around and complain about her boyfriend to you(Happened to me after one of my ex's dumped me, although she lied about why she dumped me and when I found out I cut her loose). Most guys need to learn that they are not bloody doormats, I mean I sure as hell don't put up with it. I don't understand why guys think they will "come around", they should ask and if no they should just stop. But for someone to respond "I don't wanna ruin the friendship" and think they will still be cool is crap and should stop with the pretense.

 

[Arehexes]

It's annoying, true, but I realise now "friend" is the only position I can ever gain, hell, I'm lucky for just that. I'm an abomination, disgusting, insane, barely qualifiable as human. The only purpose I may serve is as that problem dump. I reject that, then I truly am of no use to anyone.

So I understand. People like to talk about their s*** to me for some reason, but they would never want to look at me, not for too long, and definately not everyday.

Dude you gotta shape up, and man the hell up. You shouldn't settle for just a friend, you gotta take life by the BALLS and demand to get more respect then that from life.

 

[Mallefunction]

I know it's not the crush's fault I said both parties have to meet eye to eye if we are talking about dating.

I know dating has to be meet eye to eye with both parties

All I'm saying is the whole "I don't wanna date you because it will ruin the friendship" is crap because odds are good that same girl will turn around and complain about her boyfriend to you(Happened to me after one of my ex's dumped me, although she lied about why she dumped me and when I found out I cut her loose). Most guys need to learn that they are not bloody doormats, I mean I sure as hell don't put up with it. I don't understand why guys think they will "come around", they should ask and if no they should just stop. But for someone to respond "I don't wanna ruin the friendship" and think they will still be cool is crap and should stop with the pretense.

And as I said, you should not be friends with people who treat you like this in the first place.

 

[Arehexes]

I know it's not the crush's fault I said both parties have to meet eye to eye if we are talking about dating.

I know dating has to be meet eye to eye with both parties

All I'm saying is the whole "I don't wanna date you because it will ruin the friendship" is crap because odds are good that same girl will turn around and complain about her boyfriend to you(Happened to me after one of my ex's dumped me, although she lied about why she dumped me and when I found out I cut her loose). Most guys need to learn that they are not bloody doormats, I mean I sure as hell don't put up with it. I don't understand why guys think they will "come around", they should ask and if no they should just stop. But for someone to respond "I don't wanna ruin the friendship" and think they will still be cool is crap and should stop with the pretense.

And as I said, you should not be friends with people who treat you like this in the first place.

Well that falls with what I said about guys needed to stop being doormats, if they don't want to be "that guy who I can complain about my boyfriend to" he should stand up for himself and do something about it to stop it. I'm also saying the other person shouldn't keep the pretense of wanting to stay friends and then gush about why they hate their boyfriend. It's a crappy pretense to have and very rude to expect your friend to sit there and listen to your problems after you know you rejected him.

 

[Doclector]

It's annoying, true, but I realise now "friend" is the only position I can ever gain, hell, I'm lucky for just that. I'm an abomination, disgusting, insane, barely qualifiable as human. The only purpose I may serve is as that problem dump. I reject that, then I truly am of no use to anyone.

So I understand. People like to talk about their s*** to me for some reason, but they would never want to look at me, not for too long, and definately not everyday.

Dude you gotta shape up, and man the hell up. You shouldn't settle for just a friend, you gotta take life by the BALLS and demand to get more respect then that from life.

Oh I have other plans for my life, but it is impossible for me ever to be desirable. I was born wrong, I look wrong, I think wrong I talk wrong, everything I am is an insult to what a human is supposed to be. This unique outside view of the world as it is has an important purpose, but one that has nothing to do with love.

 

[Aedrial]

My current girlfriend and I were close friends for 3 years and now we've been dating for 2. We both gave each other a myriad of cliched lines whilst we tried to avoid what people were calling 'inevitable'. In hindsight we looked quite foolish.

 

[Kahunaburger]

Dear OP: a woman is not obligated to reciprocate your friendship with sex. Stop acting like she is.

 

[DigitalAtlas]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

A chick friend-zoned me and labeled me her 'gay friend' despite how she would invite to dinners, movies, random hang-outs, and even family vacations before I professed my feelings.

Then I eventually DID profess my feelings.

Spoiler warning: She rejected me, very kindly.

After a week of avoiding me, we decided to hang out again and as I was walking her home that evening I asked if I was friend-zoned

She said "Yeah, I'm not losing you because you had feelings you didn't think about"

Under the night sky, I said to her "I don't get it. We spend more time together than you have with all of your boyfriends combined! We have the same humor, the same interests, we're both independent and yet we're just different enough to be individuals. Hell, you've even told me you've found me attractive before. Why shouldn't we give this a shot?"

At that moment, she kissed me. Afterwards, she told me she didn't want us to try a relationship until we were older. That way, if it's truly meant to work out, we'll be ready for it. And then she kissed me again.

Talk to her every now and then, we're still really close.

Cheery enough?

 

[Vault Citizen]

I was best friends with a girl I really wanted to go out with but she was with this other guy, fast forward 4 years she has dumped him and we've been together for 19 months.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

A chick friend-zoned me and labeled me her 'gay friend' despite how she would invite to dinners, movies, random hang-outs, and even family vacations before I professed my feelings.

Then I eventually DID profess my feelings.

Spoiler warning: She rejected me, very kindly.

After a week of avoiding me, we decided to hang out again and as I was walking her home that evening I asked if I was friend-zoned

She said "Yeah, I'm not losing you because you had feelings you didn't think about"

Under the night sky, I said to her "I don't get it. We spend more time together than you have with all of your boyfriends combined! We have the same humor, the same interests, we're both independent and yet we're just different enough to be individuals. Hell, you've even told me you've found me attractive before. Why shouldn't we give this a shot?"

At that moment, she kissed me. Afterwards, she told me she didn't want us to try a relationship until we were older. That way, if it's truly meant to work out, we'll be ready for it. And then she kissed me again.

Talk to her every now and then, we're still really close.

Cheery enough?

Wow, that actually went rather well.

 

[Daniel Ferguson]

I've never had a girlfriend. I'm 25. It's been 7 or 8 years of "I just want to be friends" or "I'm not looking for anyone right now" (3 weeks later they're engaged), or if it's online, they are just what I want and/or they're looking for me but my messages don't even get read before being deleted, because of the 1000's of asshole/loser messages she's already gotten that HOUR.
/thread.

 

[Ian Caronia]

Speaking briefly from the female perspective: I've never used the FZ on a guy. Ever. It's a terrible excuse if you're lying, even worse if you're not, and in my opinion, a result of some very unhealthy female mindsets.

I hear it most often from my friends who have unreasonable expectations of men.

They want to fall in love with a guy they never really have to get to know. Friends are people we know and accept for being a fellow human being. I know far too many girls who date men without ever really acknowledging commonality. They want someone to take care of them, love them, be the man of their dreams, but they don't want to have to worry about being a sane, reasonable, loving woman in return. A friend could call them on their bullshit, and has a right to. A boyfriend is there for their self-esteem boost and vending machine of happy brain chemicals.

It's ridiculous, and I regularly fillet friends who display such attitudes. Then again, I'm the super pragmatic dater. I only date if I see long-term partner potential and compatibility. I don't let emotions lead the way, and I'm up-front about that, so I've never had to resort to any excuses but the truth.

You are something special and, so long as you aren't too sharp in how you relay your desire to someone who has a crush on you and you don't see a long-term thing with them, I hope you find a good man who deserves an eye-to-eye individual like yourself.

Me? I've been Friend Zoned a few times. At first I was convinced it was because they were genuinely afraid of ruining the friendship, since I've experienced such a thing and let me tell you it is something to be feared. But eventually I realized that not all of them really cared about the friendship and just wanted a human post to lean on after they've repeated their cycle of bad choices. You can imagine what I did then. You can also imagine how glad I was they rejected my feelings after I came to such a revelation.
_The problem with me is similar to the problem many have with finding a job: Inexperience. Due to a number of health issues growing up I was never in a position to really branch out. Sob story short- That [mostly] blank section on my relationship resume seems to deter anyone from taking a chance, no matter how much they might initially want to. Thing is, there's a lot of screw-ups and mistakes we make when we first get into a real relationship that requires either an equal amount of inexperience on her/his part too, or a somewhat more than normal amount of patience and understanding. Effort.
_A lot of women don't want to have to deal with that I suppose, as everyone I've come across, even in passing, tells me that experience is key. Experience is paramount. "Who has time for that kind of effort in a relationship?"
But yet, as inexperienced as she or he may be, who they are and how they act really makes you want to be with them.
...BUT ALL THAT EFFORT!!

And thus, we get the Friend Zone: the clever little crevasse people like me get stuck in. That is, until we realize where we are and why and climb out to try again with someone else.

 

[Kryzantine]

I will say that I do not believe in a friend zone. In fact, in most cases, it is simply used to describe what happens when a guy loves a girl who doesn't love him back as much. Rather than treat it as rejection, guys treat it as the FZ.

I know that sometimes, 2 people simply won't work out at any particular moment. My oldest friend is a girl. We had feelings for each other, definitely, we tried to make something work out about a year into our friendship. It broke down, but that was because she wasn't ready and I respected her distance, and we were still friends - more than friends, I'd say. I'd describe our relationship as similar to a brother/sister kind of love. She moved on, I moved on, we are the better off for it.

And another thing I will note. Almost every single long-lasting relationship I've seen, be it the case I just mentioned that resulted in a similar bonding, or the more conventional boyfriend/girlfriend thing that proves successful - almost every single one of those relationships kicks off about a year after the two of them first meet. And in fact, they know each other fairly well by the time that they decide to bring themselves together. So what I have seen completely contradicts the notion of a FZ, because these actual loves begin with friendship. And that 1 year mark seems to be the magic point - any less and you're starting to gamble, any more and it's not just about love. I'm willing to wager the vast majority of the FZ complaints involve relationships going below the 1 year mark.

 

[Arehexes]

It's annoying, true, but I realise now "friend" is the only position I can ever gain, hell, I'm lucky for just that. I'm an abomination, disgusting, insane, barely qualifiable as human. The only purpose I may serve is as that problem dump. I reject that, then I truly am of no use to anyone.

So I understand. People like to talk about their s*** to me for some reason, but they would never want to look at me, not for too long, and definately not everyday.

Dude you gotta shape up, and man the hell up. You shouldn't settle for just a friend, you gotta take life by the BALLS and demand to get more respect then that from life.

Oh I have other plans for my life, but it is impossible for me ever to be desirable. I was born wrong, I look wrong, I think wrong I talk wrong, everything I am is an insult to what a human is supposed to be. This unique outside view of the world as it is has an important purpose, but one that has nothing to do with love.

You need to be less passive about life. You think I let my issues stop me from doing what I do? I take my problems kick them to off a cliff and do what I wanna do, I don't let other people's "perceptions" control me. People see a fat guy wearing a donkey kong shirt and think I'm a nerd, I think I'm f'ing awesome cause I don't conform to what people want to see in a person. I listen to what I want, say what I want, and do what I want. I kick back and read my "The Sigh of Haruhi" book, blast video game/j-rock/chip-tune/what-ever-else-I-listen-to music, play my DS/PSP in public. And when I'm with my friends I will argue that most stupidest crap with them so loud everyone can hear us (Ever argue with a guy about what to do with a butterfly in public swearing included?).

People need to take life by the horns and kick that bull in the teeth, same goes for these friend zone whiners. She puts you in the friend zone then you say "Fine I don't need to deal with you then, I got better things to do right now" and go do something else. I let my stupid brain crush on a girl for 3 years before she would even give me a shot, after that I don't do anything like that. YOU need to take control of your self, I don't need other people controlling me or what I do.

 

[AzureRaven]

A chick friend-zoned me and labeled me her 'gay friend' despite how she would invite to dinners, movies, random hang-outs, and even family vacations before I professed my feelings.

Then I eventually DID profess my feelings.

Spoiler warning: She rejected me, very kindly.

After a week of avoiding me, we decided to hang out again and as I was walking her home that evening I asked if I was friend-zoned

She said "Yeah, I'm not losing you because you had feelings you didn't think about"

Under the night sky, I said to her "I don't get it. We spend more time together than you have with all of your boyfriends combined! We have the same humor, the same interests, we're both independent and yet we're just different enough to be individuals. Hell, you've even told me you've found me attractive before. Why shouldn't we give this a shot?"

At that moment, she kissed me. Afterwards, she told me she didn't want us to try a relationship until we were older. That way, if it's truly meant to work out, we'll be ready for it. And then she kissed me again.

Talk to her every now and then, we're still really close.

Cheery enough?

That's an awesome story. I hope everything works out great for you.

I've really only been friend zoned once or twice, the first time was a little...bizarre, and idk if it's exactly friend-zoning or being BSed. Basically I was broken up with for...being.."Too nice." And all I was doing was trying to follow the basic chivalry guidelines, but I think she just had a weird taste in guys anyway considering what happened down the line. But that's another story.

The second time was basically the typical experience. I had talked to this girl for a long time, and she was a really amazing person...who, as far as I understood it, was dating an absolute jerk who just took the whole relationship for granted. So I did what I could to be there for her, listened when she needed it, we drew cute pictures back and forth, and it was really...just something else. And while I respect her diligence, she just stuck with the guy who never did stop treating her like crap as far as I heard. I had told her I liked her and she just thought it was sweet...and that to some degree she felt the same...and that's it. She stuck with the guy, and eventually, we sadly just fell out of contact because of complications getting in the way. I still wonder how she's doing. :/

Edit: Just as a side note. I don't think I'm a phenomenal person or anything, or that I'm the nicest guy on earth. And I'm not some servant sort of nice guy. Heck, I enjoy debating topics quite a bit instead of blindly agreeing. Though I avoid it if a person feels abnormally strongly on an issue or if it offends. But discussions/debates are good.

 

[Tdc2182]

I have escaped the friend zone actually.

This last year of high school I watched a girl go through two "boyfriends" before reaching me.

I was always there for her, which really ended up being the catch for me. The first one she was with, I never really said anything. I was in fact the one to encourage her to make the move for her to take it to the next relationship with him.

It ended with him when her douchebag ex boyfriend got back into her life. On this one, I called her out on it. I chewed her out for dating a guy who had once cheated on her. She got offended by this, and told me that he had never done it, and me being a "friend", I was suppose to be there for her.

Backing up a little bit, we had both been getting extremely close. She was inviting me out to different places, holding my hand in public, at times she even made me rub her legs in the middle of class. I thought I had it made. Unfortunately for me, she was really just a whore.

A couple of weeks go by, we aren't talking to each other. Then, one day she comes into class crying. Turns out her douchebag boyfriend had cheated on her again.

A month goes by, I tell her how I feel. She leaves me hanging for a week or so.

And then we made out on valentines day. Never told anybody we were an item. It was secret and awesome.

To spare you guy the long story, she started ignoring me again. I got sick of it, called her and more or less broke it off. We had a big fight at school, but it ended up working out because I once again called her out on another giant thing.

We were friends again, then we had another big fight because of her general bitchiness, She then proceeded to steal my friends. Depression for a month or so, then I started smoking weed and hanging out with my other buddies.

Been good. Except now I have to take a drug test for a class I'm taking.

So it's been bad.

TLDR; Dated a friend and remained oblivious to her flaws. Didn't work out.

If you become emotionally invested in someone, make sure you tell them quick. Or else it becomes a retard rollercoaster.

Edit: I actually have been on the other side of the Friend Zone a fair few amount of times.

I consider myself friends with these girls, but they generally are just not my type. Believe it or not, that is a thing.

 

[Ritter315]

I never found the "friend zone" thing to make much sense. Its just one party not wanting to be in a relationship with the other. I've seen friendships become relationships, sure they usually fail because who you are to a friend is a very different person to who you are to a significant other but I personally have one currently that has lasted for quite a while now. Its just a matter of both people liking each other.
The friend zone problem comes from needy women (mostly women anyways) who will take advantage of a man's kind nature when she knows that that nature is what will keep him from stop talking to her when she relieves herself to be a bit of a user.
I tried to make hat as not sexist as possible but you ladies have to admit, you do take advantage of men (at least socially) more often than men take advantage of you.

 

[DigitalAtlas]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

A chick friend-zoned me and labeled me her 'gay friend' despite how she would invite to dinners, movies, random hang-outs, and even family vacations before I professed my feelings.

Then I eventually DID profess my feelings.

Spoiler warning: She rejected me, very kindly.

After a week of avoiding me, we decided to hang out again and as I was walking her home that evening I asked if I was friend-zoned

She said "Yeah, I'm not losing you because you had feelings you didn't think about"

Under the night sky, I said to her "I don't get it. We spend more time together than you have with all of your boyfriends combined! We have the same humor, the same interests, we're both independent and yet we're just different enough to be individuals. Hell, you've even told me you've found me attractive before. Why shouldn't we give this a shot?"

At that moment, she kissed me. Afterwards, she told me she didn't want us to try a relationship until we were older. That way, if it's truly meant to work out, we'll be ready for it. And then she kissed me again.

Talk to her every now and then, we're still really close.

Cheery enough?

Wow, that actually went rather well.

Yeah, in retrospect, that should've ended horribly. Also the first personal experience I've ever shared on this site. Do I get badge for that?

Honestly though, I'm glad it went the way it did. We both moved hours away from one another, so that gives us the chance to live our own lives. If we meet up again after our schooling is all said and done, it'll be great to see if we have those feelings. However, even if we never see each other again, I'm content.

That's an awesome story. I hope everything works out great for you.

Thanks, but, well read the reply I made to SL33T right above this. We haven't seen each other in awhile. We're now just living separate lives. I'm currently in a different, near-ending relationship. And she just got out of a bad one herself. So, we're experimenting with our love lives now. In a few years, we'll see if there was really chemistry. As far as I'm concerned though, I'm happy. If she's married by the time we meet up again, I'll know it wasn't meant to be.