I had a guy I had to FZ once. To me, he was just a friend and a classmate, but once I knew his feelings things got reeeaaally awkward. I am fundamentally uninterested in pursuing such relationships and always have been, so I instinctively built distance after that confession. In my defense, this confession came the summer before college and if a relationship was pursued, it would be a long distance one.
Friends Zone (AKA why aren't we doing this?)
- Thread starter barbzilla
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It's good that you're realistic about it and understand it though. Either way, while I'm sure it means bugger-all coming from me, I'm sure something good awaits you if you keep the same head on your shoulders. Best of luck!DigitalAtlas said:
Bullshit Misogynism is misogynistic and bullshit.Ritter315 said:
Most of the time the one in the FZ doesn't make his feelings known, and the one who put them in the FZ isn't a fucking mind reader and so isn't aware that he's pining for her. This is the FZee's fault.
The rest of the time, it's because the FZee has told the FZer, the FZer has rejected them, but made an offer to remain friends, and the FZee took the offer, hoping not to be friends for friends' sake, but to have an in and try to become attractive by attrition. This is also the FZee's fault.
Neither of these cases are the FZer leading the guy on. The FZer has never, at any point, indicated she is interested in a relationship, and in the latter case, has even indicated she does not.
So... the FZer is being honest and up front, and the FZee is refusing to respect that honesty, and continues to think that passive-aggressive bullshit will win her over to his 'nice guy' ways.
Yeah, most of the time, the FZee is in a position of his own creation, wallowing in pain he's caused himself because he's either too afraid of rejection, or worse, ignores rejection because he's too afraid of rejection.
I am a female and I have FZ'ed someone twice. First was a situation that is a lot like most people here are complaining about. We were friends most of our childhood and halfway grew up together. Talked about anything and hung out a lot. He was crazy about me and I just didn't feel the same way. I was up front and honest about it and told him that the attraction just wasn't there. He was more like a brother to me than anything else and I just was never attracted to him. I felt really bad about it but you can't force love/attraction on anyone, and believe me, I tried to feel for him what he did for me, but it just wasn't there. We remained good friends and now we live together with a few other people. Ironically enough, I help sneak his girls in and out of the house.
The second is a long painful story but they burned me pretty bad and I decided it would be best not to allow them any closer to me. Again I was pretty honest and upfront about it.
That said I've been FZ'ed myself so it does work both ways, not always girls doing it to guys. Granted I've been able to break out of that twice and had a very good relationship with the other person, so it is possible to do. The attraction was always there in both cases it was just a matter of "I don't want to ruin our friendship". That I think is the most important..that the attraction was already there, because as I said, you can not force someone to have feelings or be attracted to you.
I don't know why it happens for other girls, could be a lot of reasons. They aren't attracted to you, you work out better as friends than you would in a relationship (which is honest and is true for some people) or because they're young and stupid maybe. The best advice I can say is if it's been awhile and they aren't coming around, move on. I know that seems harsh but the longer you spend time on them and the more invested you get, the harder and more soul crushing it will be when you have to give up and move on anyway. Believe me, I know.
The second is a long painful story but they burned me pretty bad and I decided it would be best not to allow them any closer to me. Again I was pretty honest and upfront about it.
That said I've been FZ'ed myself so it does work both ways, not always girls doing it to guys. Granted I've been able to break out of that twice and had a very good relationship with the other person, so it is possible to do. The attraction was always there in both cases it was just a matter of "I don't want to ruin our friendship". That I think is the most important..that the attraction was already there, because as I said, you can not force someone to have feelings or be attracted to you.
I don't know why it happens for other girls, could be a lot of reasons. They aren't attracted to you, you work out better as friends than you would in a relationship (which is honest and is true for some people) or because they're young and stupid maybe. The best advice I can say is if it's been awhile and they aren't coming around, move on. I know that seems harsh but the longer you spend time on them and the more invested you get, the harder and more soul crushing it will be when you have to give up and move on anyway. Believe me, I know.
Thank you for that. Eye-to-Eye is what I aim for. To really run into someone who both wants what I want and is capable at that time in their life of pursuing it with me... Hasn't really happened yet. There have been a few close calls, but nothing that's really worked.Ian Caronia said:
That said, I actually look at a guy who's spent some stretches by himself, and can be zen about it, and see real potential. I know guys who have never gone longer than a month without a girlfriend in their entire dating history, and that sets off an immediate red flag for me. People who reach a certain age and maturity without too many strings of relationships under their belt are, in my experience, more comfortable being with themselves. If they can stand their own company, and not be driven crazy by it, that's a good sign I'll be able to do the same.
Experience with relationships is also nowhere near as useful as experience with women as friends. Sane women friends. Sadly, those are hard to come by even if you're female.
Cause and effect.chuckman1 said:
Fuck ladder theory, it's more misogynistic douchbag shit people tell themselves to make it seem like it's some cosmic power working against them, rather than manning up and moving on to find the girl that actually is right for them, while improving their glaring unattractive faults.
You want to stop being in the friends zone so much? It's really fucking simple.
Stop being friends in order to get close to girls. If you can't handle being their friend... don't fucking be their friend.
Real. Simple.
I have two things to say about the Friend Zone.
its usually not a good idea to date friends, usually the relationship will end badly and you lose that friend and potentially other friends who sided with the opposite friend.
second, about a year ago i started college having never been in a relationship before. I had met this girl and we instantly connected. We had started doing everything together. We saw movies, did homework together, i taught her how to play gears of war 2. I thought i ad fallen in love and i thought i was the luckiest bastard of all time. We would go shopping and i would buy her the occasional thing or whatever. I would pay for dinner. Then out of the blue she tells me she got into a relationship. Even though she now had a boyfriend, we were still spending so much time together, except she spent all that time talking about how great her boyfriend was.
I kept it together pretty well until i realized something. She was using me. She copied my homework. She had me pay for dinner and other things. Not only had i been friend zoned but she took advantage of me and my general novice knowledge of girls and dating. I couldn't face her any longer. I tried to call her to tell her why i was upset but she was not picking up her phone and she wasn't at her dorm room so i left a voicemail saying i did not want to be friends anymore in the politest way while trying to keep from getting emotional. What really pissed me is she did not call me back or acknowledge that she understood what i had felt. I had lost all confidence in myself in everything. Schoolwork, gaming, partying, general interaction with other people, i had let my depression take it away from me.
About two months had past, i had been flicking through channels and i decided to watch how i met your mother. It was the episode where it was the aftermath of Ted being left at the alter and that deep down he coulden't deal with his anger until he confronted his ex fiance. When he went to confront her he realized something. The show had only originally discussed two methods of dealing with anger. He could either bottle up his emotions or having an angry confrontation. Ted realized that there was a third oprion, he could let his anger go. I then did the same.
While it sucks that stuff happened to me, i dont hold it against her. Once i let that anger go, it was a breath of fresh air. Ferris Bueller said that "You don't respect someone if they kiss your ass" and he could not have been more right. I heard that She just got engaged to her boyfriend and i wish the best for them.
What i learned from it all is that if you have feelings for someone, let them know. If they reject you than move on. Also guys, just because she only sees you as a friend does not mean she is a ***** and a horrible human being. Grow up
EDIT: Also her boyfriend is a really nice guy, thought i should mention it
its usually not a good idea to date friends, usually the relationship will end badly and you lose that friend and potentially other friends who sided with the opposite friend.
second, about a year ago i started college having never been in a relationship before. I had met this girl and we instantly connected. We had started doing everything together. We saw movies, did homework together, i taught her how to play gears of war 2. I thought i ad fallen in love and i thought i was the luckiest bastard of all time. We would go shopping and i would buy her the occasional thing or whatever. I would pay for dinner. Then out of the blue she tells me she got into a relationship. Even though she now had a boyfriend, we were still spending so much time together, except she spent all that time talking about how great her boyfriend was.
I kept it together pretty well until i realized something. She was using me. She copied my homework. She had me pay for dinner and other things. Not only had i been friend zoned but she took advantage of me and my general novice knowledge of girls and dating. I couldn't face her any longer. I tried to call her to tell her why i was upset but she was not picking up her phone and she wasn't at her dorm room so i left a voicemail saying i did not want to be friends anymore in the politest way while trying to keep from getting emotional. What really pissed me is she did not call me back or acknowledge that she understood what i had felt. I had lost all confidence in myself in everything. Schoolwork, gaming, partying, general interaction with other people, i had let my depression take it away from me.
About two months had past, i had been flicking through channels and i decided to watch how i met your mother. It was the episode where it was the aftermath of Ted being left at the alter and that deep down he coulden't deal with his anger until he confronted his ex fiance. When he went to confront her he realized something. The show had only originally discussed two methods of dealing with anger. He could either bottle up his emotions or having an angry confrontation. Ted realized that there was a third oprion, he could let his anger go. I then did the same.
While it sucks that stuff happened to me, i dont hold it against her. Once i let that anger go, it was a breath of fresh air. Ferris Bueller said that "You don't respect someone if they kiss your ass" and he could not have been more right. I heard that She just got engaged to her boyfriend and i wish the best for them.
What i learned from it all is that if you have feelings for someone, let them know. If they reject you than move on. Also guys, just because she only sees you as a friend does not mean she is a ***** and a horrible human being. Grow up
EDIT: Also her boyfriend is a really nice guy, thought i should mention it
Dude, you are so right. I used to think about the unfairness of the Friend Zone and all that, but after some thinking, I realized that you are not there to please her, and if she doesn't want you, well, she doesn't want you.InterAirplay said:
It's though shit, and it's still a bit hard to remember it whenever a girl says no, but, well, a lot of us need to grow up and mature and all that.
HOW HEARTLESS!TheAztec said:
Anime and children's programming tells me you'da been together FOREVAR!!1!
You win, sir. You. Win. Sir.Chatato said:
Theres not much you can do besides move on the other person doesn't have romantic feeling for for whatever reason if a person can't recognize my value thats it I'm done then and there. No use pinning for somone who won't have you you'll end up ruining you friendship either through pushing too hard or resentment either way its not going to work. I've never had the trouble most people seem to in dealing with their feelings take my poor sap of a cousin who's fiance broke up with him and proceeded to whine about all the other guys she was dating while he still longed to get back together anc now that they have he dare not contradict her for fear that she'll leave again except now sheps pregnant to boot its his. How can you love somone that asks of you everything while giving nothing.
Yep, you hit the nail on the head.Lunar Shadow said:
Relationships are a two way street, both parties involved need to realize that they are going to have differences. Self esteem and confidence play a huge part in how people treat their partner. Not being able to stand up and simply bowing to the others will is just a recipe for disaster. However, if one is too firm and closed minded then it's just as bad as being a pushover. These sorts of differences usually lead to the person being labeled the "asshole" or "too nice", which leads to the "friend zone".
As for the "friend zone" thing; I've been there, it sucks, but that's life. You only have yourself to blame in the end.
oh here we go...
WAAAAHHH I cant get a girlfreind! its womens fault they are all the same!!!
for crying out loud if she doesnt wanna get with you she doesnt wanna get with you...move on, and whats so bad about being freinds with a girl anyway?
WAAAAHHH I cant get a girlfreind! its womens fault they are all the same!!!
for crying out loud if she doesnt wanna get with you she doesnt wanna get with you...move on, and whats so bad about being freinds with a girl anyway?
This has never happened to me. Maybe because I don't try talking to girls. I don't even know why, I just can't.
Have you actually read it?DracoSuave said:
Basically you're not one of the people she would like to date (probably) so she doesn't want to date you. Also CALM DOWN BRO just because I've been rejected doesn't make me a douchbag. Also where does cosmic power come in to anything I said?
You mean the theory that women have two ladders while men have only one, and that once on a friends ladder the only way to get across is THE ABYSS OF DISPAIR and so-on and so-forth and all that?chuckman1 said:
Yeah. Read it. It's misogynistic bullshit. Mate selection in humans is a lot more complex than it gives any credit for.
Been there done that too many times, simple answer I came to is "don't poke that bee hive", yes some honey may come out but the pain you are in for is not worth it.
Understand that you became someones friend and not progress further because the person didn't find you attractive in that way, so unless you drastically change you can't expect to get anywhere.
And a far better solution find someone who does like you, there are so many options out there, don't limit yourself to arms lenght.
Understand that you became someones friend and not progress further because the person didn't find you attractive in that way, so unless you drastically change you can't expect to get anywhere.
And a far better solution find someone who does like you, there are so many options out there, don't limit yourself to arms lenght.