A silence hung over them as neither seemed to find the words to talk. Sol leaned forward to take a sip of his milkshake and his eyes met Luke's, whose eyes were currently at the menu in Luke's hands. He'd been holding it for about five minutes, whatever difficult decision Luke was making, it certain wasn't about the food. The youth was troubled, a lot more than Sol had thought. He bit the inside of his cheek.
"Look, Luke, I'm sorry." Luke looked at him, surprised.
So he wasn't waiting for an apology.
"Uhm. Well, you should be, but... I have to admit I wasn't expecting that one to come this quickly." Luke rubbed at his eyes. "What exactly are you apologizing for? There's more than one thing, you know that."
"I don't know," Sol said, and as he saw a frown beginning to appear on Luke's face, he quickly continued. "No, I mean, well, I don't know what I did wrong to make you this upset, to make you cry, but I'm sorry. I never meant, or wanted, to make you feel bad or hurt you. I like you a lot, you know that."
"You even said you love me." Sol looked at Luke, feeling a bit solemn, and nodded.
"Yeah, I did. And I do. I do love you."
"Before all of this, I would've said I loved you, but I'm not sure anymore, I'm sorry. There's just so much on my mind."
Sol gave Luke a bright smile, even if the comment stung a lot, made his heart sink to the bottom of his chest.
He's still inexperienced, so he might just be confused. About all of this.
"That's fine, I understand it, it's been a mess. Don't worry, I wasn't expecting... What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like that?" Luke had a pitying look on his face.
"Can't you just knock that off? Seriously, Sol, it's too much. You're just too much."
"Excuse me?" Sol raised an eyebrow.
"Just stop it already."
"What are you---"
"You just told me you loved me, and I told you I don't know if I love you, so why are you smiling? Why can't you just," Luke reached out and put his hands on the sides of Sol's face, underneath his ears. "Be sad. Cry, Sol, it's fine. I know you're a big boy, but I mean, you're so confident, and bright, so I can't see why you would just shut it in like this. Are you really afraid people'll think less of you? Also, damn you're cold, normally your skin is warmer than mine. Have you been sleeping and eating? You haven't, have you? I swear, you're hopeless."
Luke sounded so sad. Sol having gotten a bit surprised by Luke's gesture, Sol had looked a bit confused for a while, but now he started smiling, a bit more forced this time. However, upon seeing Luke's eyes tearing up again, he stopped, and gave the other a playful wink instead.
"I'm fine Luke. I'm a little sad, of course, but I'm mostly just dealing with it. Thanks for the concern, though, you're a nice guy, even if I'm not sure if I've forgiven you either. You said a lot of hurtful things to me as well." He raised his hand and called the waitress over. She'd been paying attention to them from the corner, he was sure of that, considering that there were really no one around -he figured a lot of the students were busy goofing off or attending classs- and that she came the instant he raised his hand. Luke let go of his face, a little embarassed. He also took the chance to dry his eyes. Addressing the waitress, Sol spoke out of habit.
"He wants a double quarter pounder with extra bacon and cheese, no salad or tomatoes. And he probably feels like having a glass of iced coffee." Sol looked over at Luke, and the younger man nodded. "And you?" the waitress asked. Sol pointed to his milkshake.
"Well, I'm probably fine." He had planned on getting some food, but his appetite had disappeared. Not that it had been all that great. Yet, he felt a nudge at his foot under the table as Luke kicked him, ever so carefully.
Hey, what... right, he thinks I'm not eating well enough.
"Actually, give me the same, just with extra onions and tomatoes. And some soda, whichever is fine. Something orange." The waitress scribbled it down, muttered something about how long it would take, and left. There was another awkward silence, with Luke checking his phone and Solar simply staring at the sky outside the small western -themed cafe. It felt as if they had reached a point where both of them were afraid of proceeding.
"Don't worry about the bill, I ordered for you so I'll pay it," Sol said and stretched. "Although, I don't feel like I should keep avoiding the whole question of, you know, that. Did we break up? Or are we about to? I mean, I guess so, you did tell me you don't know if you love me, after all."
"What?" Luke looked at him, surprised. The look of shock on the other man's face made Sol both both feel hopeful and guilty for bringing it up. "We're breaking up? Why? Is it really that bad?"
"I dunno, you told me you don't love me, and we've been avoiding each other for a week, so I figured that we either already were over or are about to be."
"Well, sure, b-but love is a strong feeling, and I still really like you, and... I thought we were just having a fight. A bad fight, but I figured was just because of your... you know." Luke bit his lip, looking so damned cute when he got all worried.
"My what?" Sol asked, genuinely curious.
"You know. Your trust issues. Well, not just that, I'm not saying it's your fault either. I figured we were just taking time cooling off because you finally got mad, and I don't know how you deal with anger. You're normally just so sweet and considerate. I... well, you probably don't want to hear it, but the difference kinda made me cry pretty badly, I spent hours just sobbing and wishing you'd call me and tell me it was just a joke. I'm not a crybaby, but you really know how to push my buttons."
Sol rubbed his nose. "Well, you know, I wasn't angry, I just got drunk, and then what you said to me kept bugging me, because you just said a lot of hurtful things while I told you I didn't want to fight. I don't like arguing, and you know that, you just kept going. When I called you, I was just ranting, mostly because didn't feel fair for you to make me feel so shitty and then just walking out on me. I would've just apologized if you'd just told me to shut up. But then you hung up and sent me a message calling me an alcoholic asshole instead, and I'm not taking that. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not an alcoholic."
"I know, I'm sorry. I was just upset, partly because it seemed like you needed to drink to express yourself honestly. I mean, I'm not proud to admit it, but I was sort of trying to upset you into reacting. I was picking a fight on purpose."
Sol chuckled softly. "Yeah, I kind of figured. I mean, you kept going on about me not expressing myself honestly, and me not trusting you, so I knew. And you actually did get to me, I'm not an even remotely angry drunk."
"You're not an even remotely angry anything." Luke finally smiled, though his smile was still full of sadness and worry. "But you know, it feels like it's because you're keeping all the bad things to yourself. I don't want to break up Sol, and I really hope you don't either. We just have to---"
He stopped as the waitress came over with the burgers. They had already gotten their drinks, though neither had touched them. Sol because he still had to finish up his milkshake, and Luke because he had been too busy looking at Sol as Sol spoke, and then speaking himself. Sol looked at Luke.
"Of course I don't want to break up. But I don't think I can be the person you want me to be either." Luke frowned, and Sol looked away, not wanting to meet the other's eyes.
"I don't want you to be anything, honestly," Luke replied, his accent becoming clearer as he mispronounced the last word. "I just want to know you, every part of you. Even the sad and angry you, the past you and the you who can't trust as easily others, because they're all a part of the Sol I like so much."
"The past me isn't someone to know," Sol replied, distantly, and put away the burger he'd taken a couple of bites off. He didn't like this; he didn't understand why Luke couldn't just leave it be. "I am me, if you don't like that I smile so much then I'm sorry, but being around you makes me smile a lot, so it's kind of your fault either way. And believe me Luke, you're better off not knowing about my past, it's boring and tiresome." Luke sighed.
"I know you used to be a criminal, Sol."
Sol felt as if he had just gotten slapped across the face, but kept his expression neutral. "That's... I mean, why would you think that?"
"Sol, there's just so much about you that seems to point that way. You don't respond well to authorities, you can climb in and out a window on the third floor without getting seen or heard, and you're so quick and skilled with your hands. One night you got drunk and you stole someone's phone before I'd even noticed, and then you removed the sim card and started talking about selling it to someone in order to buy me dinner. And that was when I first realized you even had a phone in your hands. I mean, that part about buying me dinner was sweet, but Sol, it happened in less than 5 seconds. People don't just pickpocket stuff in 5 seconds."
"I could just be good with my hands, you know. And I was probably joking."
"I'm not done, there's more. Like the way you're super quick with making estimates based on prices and values, and how you once joked about selling that vampire sword or whatever to a supernatural collector in order to maximize the profit. And I heard you tell Sam the codes of the debit cards of the people in front of you when going to an ATM. Sam looked rather upset when you told him, so he definitely knows something too. It's just, all these small habits and traits. And it's fine, you're a nice person and I'm sure you had your reasons. But, you know. I said I don't know if I love you, but honestly, it's not that, because I feel like I do love you, it's more... that I'm not sure I know you that well."
"That sure is a hurtful thing to say," Sol huffed. "And, well, you are right. I'd rather not talk about it, but yes, I used to be a thief, and... I suppose 3 months is a lot of time for two guys like us, busy and still young. Impatient young men," he chuckled, feeling a bit hesitant, but continuing.
"Tonight. I mean, I don't know what I'll be able to tell you, but I'll try. Just, please, don't hate me. Or leave me, or, like, anything like that. Because it'd make me super bummed." Luke smiled at his choice of words, and Sol reached out to carefully caress the other's cheek, as he picked up his burger by the tissues. It was going to be a mess to carry home, but he wasn't particularly fond of leaving food he had paid for. "But if you really want to hear about it, come to my room tonight. At, I dunno, eight. And bring your laptop and some snacks, because I'm going to need some time to gather my thoughts when you get there."
"I'll be there, expecting some cuddles as well." Luke gave him a wink, on reminiscent of the ones Sol gave people. Perhaps he was learning from him.
"Done. See you, darling," he winked back, and started heading towards his room. Despite his happy-go-behaviour, Sol's head felt heavy and foggy. He had some serious thinking to do.