Solomon Thorn
"I'll give you the short version. Tell him, tell him the whole thing. Luke seems like a nice kid, but if he can't accept you because of what you've had to do to survive, then he's not worth your time."
"You're sort of correct and sort of completely wrong," Sol grinned. I mean, yeah, I know, I should tell him everything. Perhaps especially the difficult parts. But no matter how he reacts, he'd be worth my time. Even if he rejects me and starts considering me some sort of lowlife, I'd still feel like he's worth my time. That's why I'm, you know. A bit nervous."
He wasn't a bit nervous. However, Sol had a feeling Vik already understood that.
"Unless you've left something out, you never killed anyone during your thieving, and as for the fucking and drinking? You did what you felt was needed to be safe and to deal with the stress. It certainly wasn't the healthiest way to go about things, but I can't exactly condemn you for that without being a massive hypocrite, so I won't. Like you said it's not really my issue, but despite how...trying...you can be at times Sol, I like you, and I think you and Luke are good together, and I'd hate to see that fall apart any further."
"You're right. I don't want us to fall apart any further too." He didn't even want to think the thought.
"Don't know if that's what you were hoping to hear, but that's the best I've got."
"No, it's good. I didn't really know what to expect. I'd never have wasted your time if I knew what you would say. I'm not that kinda guy. Really, you helped me gather my thoughts a lot, thank you." He tipped his hat, jokingly, and then continued.
"Also, there was a second thing. I think I'll probably be ranting now, though." He chuckled.
"But, you know. I know I've been difficult to deal with. I'm hoping perhaps some of this might explain it. I mean... well, you know. When I think of trusting people, I think of my father, who was supposed to protect me, and my brother who dragged me onto the street. I think of all the people I felt like I had to tip-toe around, and make sure they knew about my worth, else they too would abandon me. I can trust myself, but everyone else is... I try to ignore it, but even if we're supposed to be a group, I think about how I could be abandoned and betrayed in the earliest convenient moment. And then you tell me you'll remove me from the group if I don't act as I should, and I just feel even more like I'm this insignificant pawn who's so disposable and small that you might just forget me when we're out on a mission. And I can't be that, you know. I can't lower my guard, I can't be weak, and I have add something unique to the table, because if not I'll be replaced."
He smiled a forced smile. "Well, more simply put; I can't be a soldier, Vik, I can't follow blindly. I can listen to instructions, I can be trusted, because I will always honor promises. As long as one can be expected to, of course, but I consider that further than most.
But you know, I can't be a pawn, because I also have to look out for myself. No one else will. I can't even trust Elizabeth, or Luke, not like that, not because they're bad people, but because they need to protect themselves too. Only Sol will look out for Sol, that's what years of experience has taught me. And I know my weaknesses and strengths, I know what I need to do in order to prepare myself for a situation, so it frustrates me when I don't have an input on that. It frustrates me when I have years of experience in planning missions, even if they're just my own, and I don't even have a say. Because it feels like I'll be screwed over. It doesn't need to take more than one person, or even one mistake, for me to be on my own again. And I need to be prepared for that."
Sol scratched his nose. "I'll do my utmost to fulfil whatever is expected of me, and I'll protect everyone on the team to the point where I stop considering what the consequences might be. But I need to protect myself too. I can't trust anyone else to do that, and I can't lower my guard, ever. I simply cannot afford to trust anyone, can't afford having them think I'm worthless so they can throw me away." He poked at Vik's ash-tray, a bit absentmindedly. He then looked directly at Vik, the expression on his face a mix of solemnity and embarrassment, as well as just plain sadness. Sol didn't like talking about his thoughts or emotions.
"Does that make any sense? If not, don't worry, I promised to be a good boy, and I'll do as you said from now. Without complaining. That's a good treat now, isn't it? Almost worth it?"
