*** PROFANITY-LADEN RANT AHEAD ***
So I?ve been playing Episodes from Liberty City recently, and it?s reminded me of one fact: I hate Grand Theft Auto IV. Short of Big Rigs Over the Road Racing, it is the single worst game I?ve ever played. I don?t mean to say that the game can?t be fun at times, but that the game is just so poorly designed in every way imaginable that it?s almost impossible to just play and have fun. It?s almost as if the game itself is trying to prevent you from playing it.
Here are some of my more memorable examples of what I mean:
- The missions have completely arbitrary failure states
Just now, I was playing the mission in The Ballad of Gay Tony where you have to fight off a motorcycle gang with sticky bombs while riding shotgun, then take the wheel and escape from the cops.
- Take one: the car caught fire as the police were chasing us. Tony and I both escaped the vehicle and ducked down a side alley, me planning to escape into the subway tunnels. At that point, a prompt informed me that the vehicle had been destroyed, and despite Tony and I being about to escape from the police, that I would have to do the whole fucking mission over again. Because apparently, it?s only possible to escape from the police in that one particular vehicle (which is strange, because I quite distinctly recall escaping a six-star wanted level on foot by using the tunnels).
- Take two: we were able to get the car into the subway tunnels and escape from our pursuers, but were struck by an oncoming train and the vehicle caught fire. I got the same prompt. Fair enough, you might say, but we were both still alive and could have easily escaped on foot.
- Take three: the vehicle flipped over attempting to enter the tunnels. Same bullshit message.
- Take four: the vehicle did THREE FUCKING BARREL ROLLS because I ran over - I shit you not - a CARDBOARD FUCKING BOX. And the best part of this? I HAD ALREADY LOST THE FUCKING POLICE. So what, does Tony suddenly die of a heart attack if he doesn?t arrive at his house in that particular car?
- Take five: fuck this game, I?m uninstalling it.
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT ABOUT THAT FUCKING CAR? In my 300+ hours of play time, the game has made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that you escape from the police by getting outside the circle on your minimap and staying away from cops for a long enough time. Never, in that whole time, has there been a requirement that you be in a specific vehicle while doing it. Rockstar, hire some actual fucking designers who have a clue what they?re doing. RULE NUMBER ONE OF DESIGN OF ANYTHING: Consistency.
*****
Here?s another example: In the original GTA IV, I was playing the mission where you have to cover one of your NPC buddies from a window with a sniper rifle as a deal goes down in a construction site.
-Take one: The first time everything went smoothly. I shot the first guy who stuck his gun out of the window and started shooting, then killed the rest of them, then we escaped by car. At some point (for a reason I don?t remember), we failed the mission.
- Take two: The deal begins to go down, and I have my gun trained on the window where I know the first gunman will appear. As soon as he pops up to shoot at my NPC ally, I shoot him. And then I failed the mission because I started a firefight. BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. So despite the fact that he was less than half a second from pulling the trigger on my ally, despite the fact that I was doing exactly what the game told me to by covering him, I get penalized because the firefight hadn?t ?officially? started. That?s horse shit, Rockstar. When I?m playing a game, I shouldn?t have to worry about breaking the game?s scripting unless I?m modding it. It is your fucking job to catch these mistakes.
- The physics and movement engine make the game nearly unplayable -
On one occasion, I was being chased by the police on a motorcycle, when I went careening into a concrete barrier at well over 100 miles per hour. I bounced gently off and didn?t lose any health. I began backing up so that I could speed away, when I rolled over a traffic cone going about half a mile per hour. I was promptly launched twenty feet from the bike into the path of an oncoming police cruiser, which killed me.
On another occasion, I was playing the mission where you have to choose to kill or help the guy on the crane. The cinematic puts you standing right at the edge of the crane - the GAME puts you standing there, I did not move there voluntarily. After making my choice, I turned to walk away, when King of the Dumbfucks Niko Bellic chose to walk FORWARD - the OPPOSITE direction from where I told him to walk - right off the edge of the crane to his death.
And I already mentioned my recent triple barrel roll by driving over a cardboard box.
- The game interferes with itself -
Have you ever noticed how many mechanics in the game interfere with other mechanics?
The best example I can think of was the time I was driving over one of the bridges, cruising down the space between the two lanes. I received a phone call, so I pressed the left mouse button to answer it. This click answered the phone. This click also caused the King of the Dumbfucks to drop a live grenade right under a police cruiser, which resulted in a three-star chase which killed me. Because I answered my fucking cell phone. And to top it all off, the call wasn?t about an important mission, it was Roman the Fat-ass calling me to con me into playing darts. CONTEXT. FUCKING. SENSITIVITY. ROCKSTAR.
*****
I could sit here and rant about this all day, honestly, but I?m going to cut it before I waste away my entire weekend. Suffice it to say, I?m glad I only payed seven dollars for this awful, awful game.
So I?ve been playing Episodes from Liberty City recently, and it?s reminded me of one fact: I hate Grand Theft Auto IV. Short of Big Rigs Over the Road Racing, it is the single worst game I?ve ever played. I don?t mean to say that the game can?t be fun at times, but that the game is just so poorly designed in every way imaginable that it?s almost impossible to just play and have fun. It?s almost as if the game itself is trying to prevent you from playing it.
Here are some of my more memorable examples of what I mean:
- The missions have completely arbitrary failure states
Just now, I was playing the mission in The Ballad of Gay Tony where you have to fight off a motorcycle gang with sticky bombs while riding shotgun, then take the wheel and escape from the cops.
- Take one: the car caught fire as the police were chasing us. Tony and I both escaped the vehicle and ducked down a side alley, me planning to escape into the subway tunnels. At that point, a prompt informed me that the vehicle had been destroyed, and despite Tony and I being about to escape from the police, that I would have to do the whole fucking mission over again. Because apparently, it?s only possible to escape from the police in that one particular vehicle (which is strange, because I quite distinctly recall escaping a six-star wanted level on foot by using the tunnels).
- Take two: we were able to get the car into the subway tunnels and escape from our pursuers, but were struck by an oncoming train and the vehicle caught fire. I got the same prompt. Fair enough, you might say, but we were both still alive and could have easily escaped on foot.
- Take three: the vehicle flipped over attempting to enter the tunnels. Same bullshit message.
- Take four: the vehicle did THREE FUCKING BARREL ROLLS because I ran over - I shit you not - a CARDBOARD FUCKING BOX. And the best part of this? I HAD ALREADY LOST THE FUCKING POLICE. So what, does Tony suddenly die of a heart attack if he doesn?t arrive at his house in that particular car?
- Take five: fuck this game, I?m uninstalling it.
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT ABOUT THAT FUCKING CAR? In my 300+ hours of play time, the game has made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that you escape from the police by getting outside the circle on your minimap and staying away from cops for a long enough time. Never, in that whole time, has there been a requirement that you be in a specific vehicle while doing it. Rockstar, hire some actual fucking designers who have a clue what they?re doing. RULE NUMBER ONE OF DESIGN OF ANYTHING: Consistency.
*****
Here?s another example: In the original GTA IV, I was playing the mission where you have to cover one of your NPC buddies from a window with a sniper rifle as a deal goes down in a construction site.
-Take one: The first time everything went smoothly. I shot the first guy who stuck his gun out of the window and started shooting, then killed the rest of them, then we escaped by car. At some point (for a reason I don?t remember), we failed the mission.
- Take two: The deal begins to go down, and I have my gun trained on the window where I know the first gunman will appear. As soon as he pops up to shoot at my NPC ally, I shoot him. And then I failed the mission because I started a firefight. BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. So despite the fact that he was less than half a second from pulling the trigger on my ally, despite the fact that I was doing exactly what the game told me to by covering him, I get penalized because the firefight hadn?t ?officially? started. That?s horse shit, Rockstar. When I?m playing a game, I shouldn?t have to worry about breaking the game?s scripting unless I?m modding it. It is your fucking job to catch these mistakes.
- The physics and movement engine make the game nearly unplayable -
On one occasion, I was being chased by the police on a motorcycle, when I went careening into a concrete barrier at well over 100 miles per hour. I bounced gently off and didn?t lose any health. I began backing up so that I could speed away, when I rolled over a traffic cone going about half a mile per hour. I was promptly launched twenty feet from the bike into the path of an oncoming police cruiser, which killed me.
On another occasion, I was playing the mission where you have to choose to kill or help the guy on the crane. The cinematic puts you standing right at the edge of the crane - the GAME puts you standing there, I did not move there voluntarily. After making my choice, I turned to walk away, when King of the Dumbfucks Niko Bellic chose to walk FORWARD - the OPPOSITE direction from where I told him to walk - right off the edge of the crane to his death.
And I already mentioned my recent triple barrel roll by driving over a cardboard box.
- The game interferes with itself -
Have you ever noticed how many mechanics in the game interfere with other mechanics?
The best example I can think of was the time I was driving over one of the bridges, cruising down the space between the two lanes. I received a phone call, so I pressed the left mouse button to answer it. This click answered the phone. This click also caused the King of the Dumbfucks to drop a live grenade right under a police cruiser, which resulted in a three-star chase which killed me. Because I answered my fucking cell phone. And to top it all off, the call wasn?t about an important mission, it was Roman the Fat-ass calling me to con me into playing darts. CONTEXT. FUCKING. SENSITIVITY. ROCKSTAR.
*****
I could sit here and rant about this all day, honestly, but I?m going to cut it before I waste away my entire weekend. Suffice it to say, I?m glad I only payed seven dollars for this awful, awful game.
