Hey, got any good jokes? Let's share them! ("Corny to the point of being funny" jokes welcome too!)

[Kolby Jack]

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[bobmus]

"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

Also the Longest Joke in the World, which I have actually read.

 

[Athol]

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses hits his ball and it lands in the water. He walks out to it, touches the water with his club and the water parts, allowing him to play through for a birdie.

Jesus hits his ball and it lands ON the water. He walks on the water to it and plays through for a birdie as well.

The old man hits his ball and it sails up into the air, hits a hawk then falls into a tree, hits a squirrel and ricochets into a neighboring yard where a dog catches it in his mouth, runs across the fairway and drops it on the green where it rolls into the hole for a "Hole in One".

Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your Dad".

 

[DoPo]

Also the Longest Joke in the World, which I have actually read.

Hey, me too. Somebody posted it in a thread here. After several screens I was getting intrigued but also slightly wierded out. When I scrolled down to check, I found out I wasn't even halfway (but still around 40% of the way) so I decided to just finish it.

Anyway,

A survivor from a ship wreck found himself on an unknown island. Away from home, family, friends and any help, he decided to walk around and hopefully find shelter and food.

But as he traversed the unknown land, he fell into a pit. Disguised and clearly man made - a trap. Finding that there was no way out, the man settled on waiting. And not long he was found by people - obviously a local tribe.

They offered him a choice "Death or makumba?" they said. The man didn't know what "makumba" was but obviously didn't like the other option, so "Makumba." he chose. "Makumba. Makumba." the savages started chanting. The largest and the most...well endowed tribesman then proceeded to make love to him. The survivor wasn't thrilled but reminded himself that it's better than death.

After the act, he was let out to roam the island again. Not long after, he fell into another trap. The savages found him again and gave him the same choice as before "Death or makumba?". Not happy about it, the man chose makumba again repeating to himself that it was better than dying. Again the chants "Makumba. Makumba." accompanied the act.

So set free upon the island for the third time, our protagonist decided to be very careful where he went. But alas, he fell into another trap. Getting desperate enough now, when presented with the familiar choice of "Death or makumba", he chose the former. Everybody started chanting "Death through makumba. Death through makumba."

 

[Diddy_Mao]

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says.

"Make me one with everything."

 

[DoPo]

Oh my god, this is getting so meta. I had found this online, quite some time ago. It claims to be true but I don't know. Haven't checked it and I have no desire to do so. Also, the comments in the brackets aren't mine:

A Maths textbook by publishing house "ЭКСМО-Пресс" (Russia) in 2002. These are some of the problems in the textbook. The text has NOT been changed - it is exactly copied from the book:
1. A corner is cut from a table. How many corners are left? How many corners would be left if two, three or four corners are cut?
[Answer: If the table square (which isn't obvious), then of course we'll have five. Or four. Depends how you cut them. And that is if we keep cutting in a straight line. If we cut another one then again it depends which one and how exactly are we cutting it. Generally, the problem is too badly worded - there are too many assumptions.]

2. We have 5 light bulbs working on the chandelier. Two of them burn out. How many light bulbs are left on the chandelier?
[Answer: Excellent problem. I hope it's clear there are 5 left (it doesn't say anywhere that the bulbs were removed after they burned out). Come to think about it there could have been only 5 working but in fact the there were 10.]

3. A mother has a daughter Dasha, a son Sasha, a dog Shaggy, and a cat Kitten. How many children did the mother have?
[Answer: Biologically - two. Legally - two, again. Whether or not she considers the animals for her children (even adopted) is another question.]

4. There are 8 shoes in the corridor. How many children are playing in the room?
[Answer: Hmm, yes... Without profound knowledge, the problem is hard. We could assume with high degree if accuracy that they are not more than 4, except if somebody came barefoot or entered with his shoes still on.
If we are going to delve deeper... who knows of these are children's shoes... it could turn out that there are no children in the room.]

5. There are 12 knives on several tables . How many tables are in the room?
[Answer: Obviously - none. Or many...
A killer problem!!!!!!]

6. The hen Mirka gave birth to some chickens: one red and two white. How many chickens does Mirka have?
[Answer: It goes without saying that the chickens are three but Mirka is a mutant hen - it gives birth.]

Two blackbirds, two swallows, two hedgehogs (might be a typing mistake in Russian) flew over a house. How many birds did fly over?
[Answer: Flew over a house? If the ability to fly does not make the hedgehog a bird (might have just been thrown very high with great force), then the birds are 4.]

8. Three sparrows were sitting on the water. One flew away. How many were left?
[Answer: One is left. The one that flew away. The other sank. Guaranteed!]

9. A multicoloured ring is rolling on a table: one part is red, the other green, and the third is yellow. When the ring gets to the end of the table, which colour would we see?
[Answer: If we assume that the table has corners. As for the multicoloured ring: how should I know?]

10. Children's books are sitting on the book shelf. A dog ran over and got one, then another one, then another two. How many books would it read?
[Answer: Who knows how many. Not more than four. After all it can't read everything. But however many books it reads, it would be of use - the dog is obviously smart.]

11. Mother dropped a tray which had two cups decorated with pictures of flowers, two decorated with pictures of peaches, and two decorated with pictures of strawberries. How many cups are left?
[Answer: Depends on the softness of the floor (or wherever else she dropped them) and the fragility of the cups...]

12. The oak tree has three branches each of which has three apples. How many apples are there?
[Answer: How many in the world or on the oak? On the oak there are nine. All the apples - ma-a-any... (actually an oak with apples - somebody could have nailed three apple branches or grafted them?)]

13. How many chickens did the rooster take out, if he laid 5 eggs?
[Answer: Take them out where? On a walk? Perhaps many. But since the eggs were just laid (by the rooster...) we're not counting them.]

14. A banana falls from the Christmas Tree every 5 minutes. How many would fall in an hour?
[Answer: Clearly - 12. Unless the guy with the bag of bananas runs out earlier.]

15. Masha's skirt has got three cherries embroidered and two apples. A cherry and two apples were eaten. How many fruits were left?
[Answer: On the skirt - there were 5 images of fruits (if the cherry is a fruit) embroidered. And the fruit are three less than before.]

 

[Launcelot111]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Spoiler

"See you next month"

...I'll see myself out

 

[Auron225]

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says.

"Make me one with everything."

Lmao! I actually love this one! =D

OT:

Two men are drinking in a bar, which is on the 80th floor of a particular building. One of them, who was very drunk, says to the other "I bet you I can jump out that window and live". The bartender is shaking his head and sighing. The other man, who is a little drunk, replies "Not a chance", so the very drunk man says "Alright then, watch me". He walks up to the window, opens it and jumps out without hesitation. The other man runs to the window to see him glide around the side of the building and disappear from sight. Way further down, he appears around the other side of the building and swoops in through an open window. 2 minutes later, he comes through the elevator doors. The slightly drunk man can only stare in astonishment. "How did you do that? I can't believe it!". "Alright then, I'll do it again!" says the very drunk man. So again he jumps out, as the other man watches him glide around the building and through a window. Again he comes through the elevator doors. "See?" says the very drunk man. "Alright then, I wanna try this" says the other. The slightly drunk man walks up to the window and jumps out. He falls straight down to the ground and hits the concrete with nothing to stop him.

The bartender says to the very drunk man "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk Superman".

 

[Spambot 3000]

How about some offensive jokes yeah?

How do you get your dishwasher to work?

Spoiler

Slap her in the face

How many Jews is it possible to fit into a car?

Spoiler

105 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 100 in the ashtray.

 

[DoPo]

How about some offensive jokes yeah?

OK...

Spoiler: racial humour - don't open if you're easily offended

What runs through the walls and kills Jews?

Spoiler

Gas pipes.

What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Spoiler

The pizza knows to stay quiet in the gas oven.

What is one Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

Problem

What are all the Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

The solution

Alternatively: What is one Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

A good start

 

[TheVioletBandit]

How about some offensive jokes yeah?

OK...

Spoiler: racial humour - don't open if you're easily offended

What runs through the walls and kills Jews?

Spoiler

Gas pipes.

What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Spoiler

The pizza knows to stay quiet in the gas oven.

What is one Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

Problem

What are all the Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

The solution

Alternatively: What is one Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

A good start

I assume you meant bottom of the sea?

 

[The Night Angel]

Corny jokes??? I got one for you:

I walked into the room, the curtains were drawn... the rest of the furniture was real.

 

[Zhadramekel]

A few of my personal favourites, don't worry they're pretty short.

Billy was a chemists son, but now he is no more,
What he though was H20 was H2SO4.

Mickey Mouse is in divorce court. The Judge says to him: "So Mr. Mouse, you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey replies: "Um no, I think what you heard me say is that she's fuckin' Goofy."

What are the two dirtiest animals in the farm yard?
Brown chick and brown cow (think about it)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nuther
Nuther who?
'Nuther ether bunny

Knock knock
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella 'nuther ether bunny

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep, and run over all of those ether bunnies

Knock knock
Who's there?
Too
Too who?
No no, to whom.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

What do you call a man from New Zealand with 500 girlfriends?

A shepard. XD

 

[Supertegwyn]

How about some offensive jokes yeah?

OK...

Spoiler: racial humour - don't open if you're easily offended

What runs through the walls and kills Jews?

Spoiler

Gas pipes.

What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Spoiler

The pizza knows to stay quiet in the gas oven.

What is one Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

Problem

What are all the Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

The solution

Alternatively: What is one Gypsy at the bottom of the see?

Spoiler

A good start

Oh those are so mean. You little scoundrels you.....

Uhhh....... I don't really know jokes. Not my forte.

 

[RustlessPotato]

How do 5 gay men walk together ?

In One Direction

ZING

 

[Aptus]

Why did the mathematician build a railgun?
So he could perform Gauss Elimination.
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Why is that ALU so ridiculous?
Because it was designed in Xili(nx)
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What did the engineer put on the barbie?
Some 11011110101011011011111011101111.
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Why did everyone turn up to the wedding in gimp suits?
Because the invitations were created in Latex.

 

[Gentleman Adventurer]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What the fuck is this, some kind of joke?!"

 

[Rai^3]

Scientology!

Daikatana!

 

[Chairman Miaow]

Why is a maths book so sad? Because it has so many problems.