Hey, got any good jokes? Let's share them! ("Corny to the point of being funny" jokes welcome too!)

[Fallere825]

how many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none, hippies screw in a dirty sleeping bag.

Why does Mexico do so poorly in the olympics?
because anyone who can run, jump or swim is over the border.

(edit) also, I read about 1/4 of that worlds longest joke then skipped to the end, a choice I would rather make again, if your going to read that joke read the whole thing.

 

[TheFunPolice]

A baby Seal walked into a club





HE DIED

 

[Kaytastrophe]

Two of my favourites:

Guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender: "If I show you something amazing can I get a free drink?". The bartender agrees and the man pulls out a tiny Hamster who begins singing and dancing for the entire bar. Amazed the bartender reluctantly gives the man his free drink. The man then says: "If I show you another amazing thing can I get another fee beer?", "Sure replies the bartender. The man then pulls out the hamster, a frog, and a tiny piano. The hamster sits at the piano, cracks his knuckles. The Frog instantly begins singing for the entire bar; and the man gets his drink. A gentleman sitting next to the man with his talented frog says: "Wow that's is amazing. I will give you 250,000 for that frog". "He's not for sale" responds the other guy. "500,000!" the gentleman offers. "Alright" responds the guy and they conduct the sale. "You're a fool. You could have made millions with that frog". "Not really" says the man."Can you keep a secret? The hamster is a ventriloquist!"

Three men get stranded on an island; a Brit, a Frenchman, and an idiot. They get captured by the indigenous cannibals who explain that they are going to kill these three men, eat their flesh and use their skin to make canoes. The British man manages to convince the tribe to grant them each one final wish, which the tribes reluctantly agrees. The Brit explaining how they love great beers asks for a glass of the tribes best beer which he gets. The Frenchman says that his people love nothing more than women and asks to sleep with the most beautiful tribeswomen and they bring him a beautiful woman. The idiot steps forward and after thinking about it asks if for his last wish he could have a fork. He gets the fork. The other two guys ask what he intends to do with a fork? The idiot begins quickly stabbing himself throughout his entire body screaming: "They ain't making no canoe out of my skin"

Hope you enjoyed them

 

[Lenin211]

life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last as long for fat people.

 

[Arkvoodle]

"This tale is set in Gold Rush days, when the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable. One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea."

"Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn't rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath. This didn't sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldnt detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F. She agreed, and they went to work. Lovedaws drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name). The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldnt detect a thing. The it was Loff's turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail. Do you know why?"

Because....

Spoiler

"If Yukoned Bea whiffed Dew on Hugh Loff, Lovedaw won Ewe F."

 

[Rai^3]

OH OH OH

So while ol' George W was president, three Brazilian soldiers had been killed. When this news reached him, he absolutely PANICKED, pacing back and forth, wondering "What to do, what to do...?"

So after a couple of hours of this, he calls over one of his aides, and asks him:

"How many is a brazillion?"

 

[Amaror]

God and Petrus stand at the gate of heaven.
God says:" Petrus, it just gets too crowded in there. Listen, from now on, you only let people in, who died a really special death, ok?"
Petrus agrees and takes his position in front of the gate again.
After five minutes a soul wants to pass and Petrus says:
"Only if you died a special death."
"No Problem", replies the soul "So i just got home a little early from work and what do i see? There's my wife naked in the bed. Of course i think 'She had a lover'. I search for him everywhere. Under the bed, in the bathroom, in the kitchen. Now i go look on my balcony and that bastard is still hanging on balustrade. I hit him on the hand, he falls down, but is still able to crawl away. I run into the kitchen, take the fridge, and throw it at him. sadly the fridge was too heavy, so while throwing it, i fell from the balcony myself and broke my neck."
"Ok you can come in".
5 minutes later another soul wants to pass the gate.
"Only if you had a special death"
"Well, listen then. I ordered this beatiful flower, a few days ago and it finally arived. I wanted to place it on my balcony, but i triped over something and fell off. Luckily i could grab the balustrade a few stores down. But then some mad man hits on my hand,i survive the fall and try to get away and that bastard throws a fridge on me."
"Ok you can pass"
Another 5 minutes pass and another soul comes by.
"Only if you died a special death."
"Ok, so i was just visiting my girlfriend, to get some action and then her husband comes home. I hide myself in the fridge..."
"Ok, you can come in."

 

[Jazoni89]

A Englishman, A Scottishman, and A Irishman.

They go to the Vatican to see the pope. When they got to his room they find the Pope lying there, dead from a heart attack. They both panic, and they hide the body under the bed. They then all go to Ladbrokes and place a bet that the pope was going to die today. A few days later, they win the bet and go to collect their winnings The Englishmen says "oh man, were in the dosh, I'm going to spend it all on coke and women" the Scottishman says " Yahoo, I'm going to have a Haggis bath party with all these winnings" and then the English, and Scottishman turn to the Irishmen, and says "so what are you going to do with you're winnings" Then the Irishman sighs and says "I haven't got any money" then the Englishman and Scottishman goes "why's that?", then the irishman replies "I made a double on the arch bishop of Canterbury".

I've got another one...

A Englishman, A Scottishman, and A Irishman.

All three of them have a orgy with this prostitute. Nine months later the Prostitute has a baby, so she goes round their houses to find out the father of the baby. The prostitute knocks on the Englishman door and says "when you made love to me did you use a condom?" the Englishman reply "I sure did little miss" then the Prostitute knocks on the scottishman's door "when you made love to me did you use a condom" "I sure did me wee lass" then finally the prostitute knocks on the Irishman's door "when you made love to me did you use a condom?" "I did girl, but it was too long, so I snipped a piece off"

 

[Dethenger]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Spoiler

"See you next month"

...I'll see myself out

What do black lesbians eat for breakfast?

Spoiler

Cocoa Muffs!

Can you get my coat?

 

[The_Waspman]

Why do elephants have big ears?

Spoiler

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the Ransom

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

Spoiler

About eight pints

Thats all I've got.

 

[A Random Reader]

Spoiler: Jokes!

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data and... Uh, I dunno.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "Well, not really but I can tell you exactly where I was."
The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, "Do you guys know that there's a dead cat in your trunk?"
And Schrodinger says, "Well, I do now!"
(I know that Schrodinger has an accent, but it portrays that accent like this: ö) )

Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know, that the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge.
Physicists, well they know that you can never know whether the glass is half full or half empty because by measuring it you've changed the outcome.

Knock knock?
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom!

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve Noble gases here!"
Argon doesn't react.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Whoa, whoa, that's a hardware problem."

 

[bobmus]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Spoiler

"See you next month"

...I'll see myself out

At first I was like 'huh'? And then I was like 'NO. Nononononononono!'

If we're sharing that level of humour though:

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
<spoiler=So Very Fucking Harsh>
Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of hmv.
"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd fucking love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.

I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

 

[Bvenged]

This joke I've known for years, it's probably my favourite. Please read it all and enjoy!

Jimmy was a smart, athletic and cool kid who his millionaire father loved very much. Jimmy wasn't selfish, he was very sociable and was content throughout his childhood.

There was one thing though. Every year, on his birthday ever since he learned how to speak, he requested his father got him a pink golf ball. When the father asked why he was met with silence. The same for his friends and relatives. Nobody know why he only ever wanted a pink golf ball. Nobody ever know what he did with them either.

On his 10th birthday, 1 pink golf ball. 11th, a pink golf ball. 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th and 16th - nothing but a pink golf ball. Upon receiving them he showed little emotion except slight gratitude.

Then on his 17th, his father know it was time to get Jimmy a special present. This is the UK after all and Jimmy can now finally learn to drive, so his father bought him all the driving lessons Jimmy would need, a provisional licence and a brand new car. But Jimmy wasn't content, he went to his dad and said: "Dad, thanks and all but can I please just have a pink golf ball?".

His dad told him to keep the other gifts, but reluctantly went and got Jimmy a pink gold ball too.

The cycle continues all the way up until one day when Jimmy was 21 years old. He was going to the shops when he parked up on the side of the road, and as he ran across he got hit by a bus.

Lying there in hospital, Jimmy's father ran in and comforted his son. Knowing it was the end, his father ask sobbingly: "Jimmy, why oh why for all these years have you only ever wanted a pink golf ball?".

With his final few breaths, as his heart rate slowed, Jimmy looked up lovingly at his father... and died. The moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the road.

 

[doomspore98]

If jesus could walk on water, and I can walk on cucumbers, and cucumbers are 96 percent water, am I 96 percent jesus.

Also:

A man walks into a bar,
what does he say?
OW!

 

[doomspore98]

This joke I've known for years, it's probably my favourite. Please read it all and enjoy!

Jimmy was a smart, athletic and cool kid who his millionaire father loved very much. Jimmy wasn't selfish, he was very sociable and was content throughout his childhood.

There was one thing though. Every year, on his birthday ever since he learned how to speak, he requested his father got him a pink golf ball. When the father asked why he was met with silence. The same for his friends and relatives. Nobody know why he only ever wanted a pink golf ball. Nobody ever know what he did with them either.

On his 10th birthday, 1 pink golf ball. 11th, a pink golf ball. 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th and 16th - nothing but a pink golf ball. Upon receiving them he showed little emotion except slight gratitude.

Then on his 17th, his father know it was time to get Jimmy a special present. This is the UK after all and Jimmy can now finally learn to drive, so his father bought him all the driving lessons Jimmy would need, a provisional licence and a brand new car. But Jimmy wasn't content, he went to his dad and said: "Dad, thanks and all but can I please just have a pink golf ball?".

His dad told him to keep the other gifts, but reluctantly went and got Jimmy a pink gold ball too.

The cycle continues all the way up until one day when Jimmy was 21 years old. He was going to the shops when he parked up on the side of the road, and as he ran across he got hit by a bus.

Lying there in hospital, Jimmy's father ran in and comforted his son. Knowing it was the end, his father ask sobbingly: "Jimmy, why oh why for all these years have you only ever wanted a pink golf ball?".

With his final few breaths, as his heart rate slowed, Jimmy looked up lovingly at his father... and died. The moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the road.

I hate those jokes, but their still really funny.

 

[Vuliev]

Know any good sodium hypobromite jokes?

NaBrO.

 

[SnootyEnglishman]

Two Gentlemen were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. One turns to the other and says

"hey did you know that if you jump from the top of the Empire State Building the updraft is so strong it'll bring you back up?"

the other man says "bullshit" and makes the challenge. So they both go to the empire state building at the top and the first man jumps and a few seconds later he comes back up.

The second says "beginner's luck, do it again" so he jumps and again comes back up. Now seeing the success he tries and immediately falls to the concrete and splatters.

A few hours later the first man is back in the bar and the story about a man jumping from the top of the building is playing on the news. The bartender turns to the guy and says "Ya know Superman you're real ass when you're drunk"

My personal chuckle favorite

There's a girl named Mary who goes to catholic school, but she has a problem, she always falls asleep during class.

One day during her napping her instructor approaches her desk and asks her the question "Mary who is humanity's lord and savior?" Her classmate Johnny pokes her from behind with a pencil and in a shock she wakes up and shouts "JESUS!".

The instructor couldn't believe she answered a question and thus applauded her.

The next day Mary falls asleep and again the instructor asks "Mary who's the lord of humanity?" Johnny pokes her again and wakes up to shout "JESUS" the instructor again is pleases.

The day after that Mary again is caught sleeping and the instructor changes up the questions and asks here "Mary what did Eve say after having her 34th kid?" Johnny to get her attention pokes her with a pencil and Mary a bit upset turns to Johnny with anger and shouts "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M BREAKING IT IN HALF"

 

[MetalDooley]

A guy is chatting up a girl at a bar

He says "You remind me of my baby toe"

She says "Why?Is it cos I'm small and cute?"

He replies "Nah it's cos I'm probably gonna bang you on the coffee table later"

 

[BrokenStylus]

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint. The guy serving behind the bar says "That'll be one penny, mate".

The man, who is a little taken aback, says "One penny? That's incredible!" He pays and enjoys his drink. When he's finished, he orders another. Bartender says again "One penny, mate". Realising he's onto a good thing the man orders several more drinks, each time only being charged a penny.

After a while he decides he needs something to soak up the booze and orders a 12oz sirloin steak from the menu. Bartender says "One penny, mate". Not believing his good fortune, the man eats and enjoys a delicious grilled steak. After he's finished he approaches the bartender once more.

"Do you own this place?" he asks. "No mate, I just work here" the bartender replies.

"Well could you fetch me the owner? I'd like to shake his hand. I've never seen such great prices!"

"He's busy at the moment," says the bartender, "he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

Baffled, the man asks "What's he doing up there with your wife?"

The bartender smiles and replies "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

 

[Palademon]

Spoiler: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One

But they have to want to change.