Hey, got any good jokes? Let's share them! ("Corny to the point of being funny" jokes welcome too!)

FilipJPhry

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Jul 5, 2011
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Three mice were having drinks one day and one of them suddenly says, "I'm so tough I sprinkle some rat poison in my coffee every morning, just for the buzz". The second one says "I go to mousetraps, trigger them, then catch the bar and do 20 bench presses. That way I get a workout and a snack". The third one simply finishes his drink, stands up, and says "I'm going home, fellas. Gonna go fuck the cat".
 

King of Asgaard

Vae Victis, Woe to the Conquered
Oct 31, 2011
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I've got a couple.
Man goes into doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, Doctor...I am Pagliacci."

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
 

Vegosiux

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May 18, 2011
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Okay, the silliest joke I ever heard:

Q: What goes "ththththththth"?
A: A thnake.

Silly as hell, but cracks me up every time.
 

TheBoulder

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Nov 11, 2009
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What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?
An erection.
What's the hardest thing about watching a child getting hit by a car?
My dick.
I'm here all week folks.
 

Normalguyinthehouse

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Jul 18, 2009
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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 drinks and says "I like to order 2 more drinks for my brothers; they're in the army now and I like to drink their drinks for them, to make it like they're still here." He then goes off and drinks all three.

This goes on for weeks and weeks and then one day, the man walks in and says "Today, I'll have just have 2 drinks." The bartender looks real worried and says "Well..What happened? Did something happen to your brothers?" The man says "Oh nothing, I just decided to stop drinking."
 

Smeatza

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Dec 12, 2011
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For all in the U.K.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
 

Kungfu_Teddybear

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Jan 17, 2010
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This was the first one that popped in my head because I just got told it yesterday. It's not great but here goes.

What do women and aeroplanes have in common?
They both have cockpits.

Actually I have one that's been in my phone for ages.

An 8 year old boy and his 5 year old brother are upstairs playing before breakfast, the elder turns to his brother and says "When we go downstairs we should start swearing to see what mum does." "OK" replies the 5 year old.

They go downstairs and sit themselves at the table and their mum asks the 8 year old "What would you like for breakfast, sweetheart?" The boy replies "Some Coco Pops please, *****" furious, the mother smacks her son in the head and he falls to the floor crying. She then turns to the 5 year old and asks sternly "What would you like for breakfast?" Looking at his brother the 5 year old replies "I don't know but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
 

James Crook

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Jul 15, 2011
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This is a French joke that I'm translating there, so bear with me, folks:
Marius is taking horseback riding lessons (his horse is a male). His good friend Oliver comes over and sees Marius passing by.
After the latter comes back, Oliver goes up to him and asks:
"Marius, what are you doing riding this hermaphrodite animal?"
Marius, surprised, leans over and points at the animal's prominent genitalia and says:
"Hermaphrodite? Well then what the hell is that?"
Oliver smiles then answers: "You're forgetting about the **** on top."
 

ShogunGino

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Oct 27, 2008
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King of Asgaard said:
I've got a couple.
Man goes into doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, Doctor...I am Pagliacci."

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
Watchmen and The Killing Joke. Nice.

Here's mine that I heard years ago:

A boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash. The madame of the brothel is quite shocked to see a young boy in her establishment.

The boy says, "I want a woman."
She says, "Are...are you sure? You're kind of young."
Boy replies, "Yes. I want a woman. I have money. I can pay for it."

The madame sees the kid is quite serious.

"Any of you girls have an STD?", he asks.
"No, sir, my girls are clean, though right now, Bethany seems to be getting a case of the clap."
"Good. I'll take her.", he replies.

The madame doesn't understand, but he seems to know what he's doing, so she takes the money and the boy and Bethany to off to do it. When they're done, the madame starts talking to him as he's leaving.

"I have to ask. Why would a boy as young as you be interested in a prostitute, much less one with an STD?"

The boy looks at her with serious intent and begins explaining:

"You see...when I get home later, dad's gonna get my usual babysitter to look after me, and she has a penchant for little boys. Later, when dad takes her home, he's going to take advantage of her. When he gets home, he's going to have sex with my mom. Then tomorrow morning, when he's gone, she's going to have a quickie with the mailman.

AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!"
 

Gabanuka

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Oct 1, 2009
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King of Asgaard said:
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

Heh.
 

Hazy992

Why does this place still exist
Aug 1, 2010
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!
 

Danoloto

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Sep 10, 2008
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. So the barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

No? Hm... tough crowd.

Here's a mystery. It would appear an unknown person has snuck into my garden, and has been putting down layers of topsoil. The plot thickens...
 

RJ 17

The Sound of Silence
Nov 27, 2011
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Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
A: Because then they'd be BAYgulls. (bagels)
 

RJ 17

The Sound of Silence
Nov 27, 2011
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Hazy992 said:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!
What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
 

Hazy992

Why does this place still exist
Aug 1, 2010
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RJ 17 said:
Hazy992 said:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!
What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
 

RJ 17

The Sound of Silence
Nov 27, 2011
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Hazy992 said:
RJ 17 said:
Hazy992 said:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!
What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
Now you're just admitting to being a murderer! :p

What's the different between a truck full of empty beer bottles and a truck full of dead babies?

You can unload one of them with a pitch fork.
 

deserteagleeye

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Sep 8, 2010
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DoPo said:
TheBobmus said:
Also the Longest Joke in the World, which I have actually read.
Hey, me too. Somebody posted it in a thread here. After several screens I was getting intrigued but also slightly wierded out. When I scrolled down to check, I found out I wasn't even halfway (but still around 40% of the way) so I decided to just finish it.

Anyway,
A survivor from a ship wreck found himself on an unknown island. Away from home, family, friends and any help, he decided to walk around and hopefully find shelter and food.

But as he traversed the unknown land, he fell into a pit. Disguised and clearly man made - a trap. Finding that there was no way out, the man settled on waiting. And not long he was found by people - obviously a local tribe.

They offered him a choice "Death or makumba?" they said. The man didn't know what "makumba" was but obviously didn't like the other option, so "Makumba." he chose. "Makumba. Makumba." the savages started chanting. The largest and the most...well endowed tribesman then proceeded to make love to him. The survivor wasn't thrilled but reminded himself that it's better than death.

After the act, he was let out to roam the island again. Not long after, he fell into another trap. The savages found him again and gave him the same choice as before "Death or makumba?". Not happy about it, the man chose makumba again repeating to himself that it was better than dying. Again the chants "Makumba. Makumba." accompanied the act.

So set free upon the island for the third time, our protagonist decided to be very careful where he went. But alas, he fell into another trap. Getting desperate enough now, when presented with the familiar choice of "Death or makumba", he chose the former. Everybody started chanting "Death through makumba. Death through makumba."
Just because I've watched it, What do you call a dumb, drunk midget? Drinky-Dink.........Shut up.
 

Hazy992

Why does this place still exist
Aug 1, 2010
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RJ 17 said:
Hazy992 said:
RJ 17 said:
Hazy992 said:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!
What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
Now you're just admitting to being a murderer! :p

What's the different between a truck full of empty beer bottles and a truck full of dead babies?

You can unload one of them with a pitch fork.
How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off it's head