I like you, but I don't want to go out with you...
- Thread starter GwydeanRunix
- Start date
Agree with mostly the whole post. I dont quite understand what the practical difference between having a written list and having a mental is, but I'll let that slide.Julianking93 said:
To me, having "requirements" is a good thing. It means you are well aware of what you want out of a relationship, and possible more importantly what you DONT want. Obviously there are "good" and "bad" requirements.
Having blonde hair is to me a bad requirement. It eventually turns gray anyway
Having a specific kind of humor is a good one. Humor is a big part of everyday life (at least mine) and if your senses of humor dont mix, the relationship probably wont last.
Being of different religions can be even worse. Depending on how religious you are, and maybe what religion you are of.
So to me, it is perfectly understandable that she does not want to date OP, based on the fact that he is not christian. (good for you OP
) And to you OP: You are most likely better off in the long run. Differences of opinion on base matters like religion will almost inevitably lead to trouble down the road, trouble which is not easily (if possible at all) solved.
First of all, the thing about dating and if it doesn't work you'll stay friends like before..that's just a pleasant dream, it almost never happens.GwydeanRunix said:
Secondly, you don't need to date someone with a superiority complex, who has a requirement list for her dates. Even if she'll agree to go out with you, you might regret it later. When you get into a relationship with someone, especially a friend, you'll most likely see another side of her, an unpleasant one.
I would advice you to stay out of it. You could insist but when you force things, it might get worse later on, and you might end up losing a girlfriend and a friend at the same time.
I'm certainly not an expert on relationships, but this is probably a subject I am qualified to comment on. Take it from someone who has some perspective, move on.
I spent upwards of 9 years (from roughly the ages of 16 to 25) quietly borderline obsessed with someone who saw me as "just a friend", and had zero interest in dating me (and made that clear).
She had something better then a list - she had a shadowy vision of a guy she saw in a dream, who was most definitely not me. I knew this, but I still persisted in deluding myself that someday she would outgrow the dream and realize that we would be a good couple. (Yes, there were religious differences, but that was never cited as the reason for her feelings, or lack there of.)
And guess what, with the benefit of hindsight I can pretty much guarantee you, SHE WAS RIGHT! Despite my earnest desires at the time, we would NOT have made a good match.
Looking back, I realize I was so "hung up" on that one person, I was totally closed to any other people who might have actually been interested in being more then friends, and who ultimately might have made better matches.
Ultimately, I feel like I "missed out" on 9 years of my life when I could have been having real relationships, and in a certain way "cheated myself" out of 9 years worth of experiences by putting myself on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.
I ultimately only got out of this trap of my own creation because she found her dream man (or so she thought) and got married. And as sad and desperate as I was, at least "I absolutely refuse to be hung up on another man's wife" was (and is) a firm rule with me. And, after a week or two of hurt, anger and railing at the unfairness of the universe, I felt as if a 1000 pound millstone had been lifted from my neck. I was literally walking on air, and I hadn't even met anyone else yet.
Moral of the story: No matter how much it sucks that someone that your interested in doesn't look at you as "more then friend" material, she did the right thing, telling you up-front what the score was, and take it from someone who knows, pining away for someone who just isn't into you in that way is a giant waste of time which you will eventually regret.
Bottom line, stay friends, if you can, but look for someone to date who reciprocates your feelings AND desires, cause this girl isn't interested.
If you've made it this far through this veritable wall of text, I am pretty sure this isn't what you want to hear, but here is one last bit of wisdom. Even if you COULD talk her into dating you, you REALLY REALLY don't want someone who isn't totally EXCITED by the prospect of being with you.
Best of luck. I know how hard it can be.
I spent upwards of 9 years (from roughly the ages of 16 to 25) quietly borderline obsessed with someone who saw me as "just a friend", and had zero interest in dating me (and made that clear).
She had something better then a list - she had a shadowy vision of a guy she saw in a dream, who was most definitely not me. I knew this, but I still persisted in deluding myself that someday she would outgrow the dream and realize that we would be a good couple. (Yes, there were religious differences, but that was never cited as the reason for her feelings, or lack there of.)
And guess what, with the benefit of hindsight I can pretty much guarantee you, SHE WAS RIGHT! Despite my earnest desires at the time, we would NOT have made a good match.
Looking back, I realize I was so "hung up" on that one person, I was totally closed to any other people who might have actually been interested in being more then friends, and who ultimately might have made better matches.
Ultimately, I feel like I "missed out" on 9 years of my life when I could have been having real relationships, and in a certain way "cheated myself" out of 9 years worth of experiences by putting myself on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.
I ultimately only got out of this trap of my own creation because she found her dream man (or so she thought) and got married. And as sad and desperate as I was, at least "I absolutely refuse to be hung up on another man's wife" was (and is) a firm rule with me. And, after a week or two of hurt, anger and railing at the unfairness of the universe, I felt as if a 1000 pound millstone had been lifted from my neck. I was literally walking on air, and I hadn't even met anyone else yet.
Moral of the story: No matter how much it sucks that someone that your interested in doesn't look at you as "more then friend" material, she did the right thing, telling you up-front what the score was, and take it from someone who knows, pining away for someone who just isn't into you in that way is a giant waste of time which you will eventually regret.
Bottom line, stay friends, if you can, but look for someone to date who reciprocates your feelings AND desires, cause this girl isn't interested.
If you've made it this far through this veritable wall of text, I am pretty sure this isn't what you want to hear, but here is one last bit of wisdom. Even if you COULD talk her into dating you, you REALLY REALLY don't want someone who isn't totally EXCITED by the prospect of being with you.
Best of luck. I know how hard it can be.
Of Liking, Dating and Lists
You can absolutely "like someone" and not want to date them. Hell, you can "LOVE" someone and not want to date them. I totally love one of my best female friends, tell her that all the time, but absolutely refuse to take it beyond friendship because I know it would be an absolute freaking disaster. It takes a lot more then "liking" or even "loving" someone to make a relationship work.
She pushed to "get together", and I told her as gently as possible, "No way, no how, never going to happen". She was hurt, and sad and didn't talk to me for 8 months, but now she is like "I'm so glad you were just up-front and honest, because no guy has ever done that, and now I know that we will always be there for each other as friends."
I've been on both sides now, and I can say with authority that usually the person who isn't "into" getting together is the one who can see more clearly how well things are going to work out.
Lists:
Pretty much everyone has them, even if they never write them down. Basic requirements to date someone, and "Deal breakers" that mean it will never happen. As a general rule it's a good thing, it's called having standards, and it helps "winnow down" the pool of potential dates from "everyone on the planet" to a somewhat more manageable subset.
Kudos to your friend that she knows what she wants, or in this case what she doesn't want (and while religious differences are not an insurmountable obstacle they are pretty major, especially if you and the lady in question are still somewhat on the younger side).
However, there is a dark side to lists, in more then one way. First there are the totally shallow lists along the lines of "Has to bench 250" or "Must have blond hair" or has to have at least a "C cup"... these are things which don't matter in the long run if your interested in getting your relationship past jumping in the sack. People with these kinds of lists - best just to avoid them, they tend to reflect shallow immature people who your better off not wasting your time with.
On other hand one of the stealth problems with well defined lists even ones which are not populated by shallow superficial requirements is that pretty much everything that you could put on a list of requirements for a relationship will probably have second order effects you might not anticipate.
For example, when someone puts "Caring And Committed" on their requirement list, they probably mean "Cares about and is committed to ME!" (and sometimes only me) but someone who is caring and committed is probably going to care about and be committed to many areas of their life, their friends, family, job and hobbies in addition to their girlfriend / boyfriend, which means your going to have to share them. Often an unintended second order effect.
As another example (which might make more sense considering your situation) it's perfectly normal for a devout Christian to put "Christian - Devoted to God" on their relationship list. But, the second order effect might be that the person who fulfills this item may be more devoted to God then they are to the relationship. If they suddenly decide that God want's them to, say, devote themselves to spreading the word in another country, it can turn your life up-side-down. Or let's say two "Devoted to God" people get married, and then one of them decides that God doesn't want them to have sex or show affection anymore. Whoops (and don't think that's impossible, I've heard of exactly that happening).
And last but not least, no list is ever complete, and even if it was a list of check boxes is NOT a guarantee of compatibility. We are not computer programs, we are immensely complex human beings with multiple layers that no mere list can ever describe. No one can really tell you why some matches work, and others don't.
My last serious relationship has a very well defined "list". And believe it or not, I actually matched about 90-95% of it. And you know what, it didn't help that much, we still aren't really compatible, and not (as you might assume) because of the 5% which did not match the list, it was other stuff that wasn't even ON the list.
For those who make lists, I have one piece of advice. Be VERY careful what you ask for.
For those who don't live up to someone's list I say: Congratulations, you just found out that odds are the relationship would not work before you actually invested any time or money in it. You just landed on free parking, count yourself lucky, and MOVE ON.
You can absolutely "like someone" and not want to date them. Hell, you can "LOVE" someone and not want to date them. I totally love one of my best female friends, tell her that all the time, but absolutely refuse to take it beyond friendship because I know it would be an absolute freaking disaster. It takes a lot more then "liking" or even "loving" someone to make a relationship work.
She pushed to "get together", and I told her as gently as possible, "No way, no how, never going to happen". She was hurt, and sad and didn't talk to me for 8 months, but now she is like "I'm so glad you were just up-front and honest, because no guy has ever done that, and now I know that we will always be there for each other as friends."
I've been on both sides now, and I can say with authority that usually the person who isn't "into" getting together is the one who can see more clearly how well things are going to work out.
Lists:
Pretty much everyone has them, even if they never write them down. Basic requirements to date someone, and "Deal breakers" that mean it will never happen. As a general rule it's a good thing, it's called having standards, and it helps "winnow down" the pool of potential dates from "everyone on the planet" to a somewhat more manageable subset.
Kudos to your friend that she knows what she wants, or in this case what she doesn't want (and while religious differences are not an insurmountable obstacle they are pretty major, especially if you and the lady in question are still somewhat on the younger side).
However, there is a dark side to lists, in more then one way. First there are the totally shallow lists along the lines of "Has to bench 250" or "Must have blond hair" or has to have at least a "C cup"... these are things which don't matter in the long run if your interested in getting your relationship past jumping in the sack. People with these kinds of lists - best just to avoid them, they tend to reflect shallow immature people who your better off not wasting your time with.
On other hand one of the stealth problems with well defined lists even ones which are not populated by shallow superficial requirements is that pretty much everything that you could put on a list of requirements for a relationship will probably have second order effects you might not anticipate.
For example, when someone puts "Caring And Committed" on their requirement list, they probably mean "Cares about and is committed to ME!" (and sometimes only me) but someone who is caring and committed is probably going to care about and be committed to many areas of their life, their friends, family, job and hobbies in addition to their girlfriend / boyfriend, which means your going to have to share them. Often an unintended second order effect.
As another example (which might make more sense considering your situation) it's perfectly normal for a devout Christian to put "Christian - Devoted to God" on their relationship list. But, the second order effect might be that the person who fulfills this item may be more devoted to God then they are to the relationship. If they suddenly decide that God want's them to, say, devote themselves to spreading the word in another country, it can turn your life up-side-down. Or let's say two "Devoted to God" people get married, and then one of them decides that God doesn't want them to have sex or show affection anymore. Whoops (and don't think that's impossible, I've heard of exactly that happening).
And last but not least, no list is ever complete, and even if it was a list of check boxes is NOT a guarantee of compatibility. We are not computer programs, we are immensely complex human beings with multiple layers that no mere list can ever describe. No one can really tell you why some matches work, and others don't.
My last serious relationship has a very well defined "list". And believe it or not, I actually matched about 90-95% of it. And you know what, it didn't help that much, we still aren't really compatible, and not (as you might assume) because of the 5% which did not match the list, it was other stuff that wasn't even ON the list.
For those who make lists, I have one piece of advice. Be VERY careful what you ask for.
For those who don't live up to someone's list I say: Congratulations, you just found out that odds are the relationship would not work before you actually invested any time or money in it. You just landed on free parking, count yourself lucky, and MOVE ON.
Mmh religion is a MASSIVE problem for people, and is a big part of peoples lives; i could never date anyone religious.
Thing is, i think i understand what she means- im like her [minus the religion]. Im guessing it depends how old you are; im 16 and im not up for going out with anyone, i just wanna have a laugh and a good time [probably since i was caught up in a 14 month relationship that ended earlier this year].
All i can say is, dont worry about it. Stay friends with her, and see how things turn out. Just dont lose hope; one day something might click and she might realise your the one for her>:]
Best of luck mate, sorry for the terrible grammar etc xD lazy mooood.
Thing is, i think i understand what she means- im like her [minus the religion]. Im guessing it depends how old you are; im 16 and im not up for going out with anyone, i just wanna have a laugh and a good time [probably since i was caught up in a 14 month relationship that ended earlier this year].
All i can say is, dont worry about it. Stay friends with her, and see how things turn out. Just dont lose hope; one day something might click and she might realise your the one for her>:]
Best of luck mate, sorry for the terrible grammar etc xD lazy mooood.
That's pretty much what I meant though. Mental or physical list, it doesn't matter.tzimize said:
Like what you said though, that's what I find superficial and annoying about the whole situation here. I know far too many people who have stupid reasons why they would or would not date someone. For example, one person I know will not date anyone who has red hair.
But I agree with you. It's good to know what you want and what you don't want out of a relationship. My mum and I even had a conversation about that recently, but when it goes to the point of only looking for purely superficial things like hair style or eye colour, it gets ridiculous.
I would have to disagree, maybe it's just a German thing, but everyone I'm friends with knows that I'm an atheist. We basicly made a compromise, leave me alone, and I won't talk shit about your god.Julianking93 said:
OT: Sorry dude. I also have a pretty weird story. Basicly I had a bet (I know, I'm a horrible person) that I couldn't get a certain girl to go out with me. I asked and she said no... later she sent me like 120 sms saying she changed her mind, and that she would like to go out with me... at which point I was kind of freaked out. Normaly I'm the guy that gets kind of annoying! I declined saying that we were far too different...
hey dude, i understand where your coming from. just leave it, if she doesnt want to date you then you cant force her. i have a similar situation at the moment, theres a girl i really like who is a freind but i fear she will use a similar excuse with meGwydeanRunix said:
Here's the short version:GwydeanRunix said:
You change yourself to suit a womans interests, your her ***** you may as well take your signity, self respect and sense of worth and light her up baby! cause you got no more use for it.
She's sounds immature, selfish and superficial.
If she liked you for you then your faith and so on wouldnt matter.
Therein she doesnt like you.
She's Christian and resents you for not being?
HAHAHAHA, dude, I'd kick this chick to the side and go find some satan worshiping goth girl.
They're hotter and more likely to leave you with a limp you cant explain to your mom.
Remember the most important rule of this man:
Be yourself, she doesn't like it? she can go f*ck herself. Be your own man, be what you wanna be, follow your path and just be a good guy. A girl who will like / love you for your own traits will come along and complete you.
Change yourself for this chick and your entire relationship is going to be an uphill battle where you always end up taking the hit to keep her happy. Thats not a love life, thats a joke.
Peace.
1) If she is not wanting to go out with you because of religious beliefs then you should just forget about her, it's just the wrong mindset for a partner to have: 'You have to compliment my religious beliefs' is not the kind of mentality you want.
I'm a pretty strong atheist, about as strong as they come, and I don't care what religion someone is, perhaps with the exception of the madder cults like $cientology, heavens gate etc. Unless their beliefs are such that they will endanger either party it should just be a spurious matter.
I only mean this in your case however, where you are both friends who therefore clearly share common interests and likes with the sole exception of religion. In which case that shouldn't be an important factor as there are so many similarities outside of it.
2) "I like you but I don't want to go out with you" is a common passive-aggressive style comment which generally means 'I don't want to go out with you' it's just slightly sugar-coated so the whoever said it can hold a clear conscience in their mind. I know it's harsh to destroy what is clearly a heartfelt crush on the girl but that's all I can say.
I'm a pretty strong atheist, about as strong as they come, and I don't care what religion someone is, perhaps with the exception of the madder cults like $cientology, heavens gate etc. Unless their beliefs are such that they will endanger either party it should just be a spurious matter.
I only mean this in your case however, where you are both friends who therefore clearly share common interests and likes with the sole exception of religion. In which case that shouldn't be an important factor as there are so many similarities outside of it.
2) "I like you but I don't want to go out with you" is a common passive-aggressive style comment which generally means 'I don't want to go out with you' it's just slightly sugar-coated so the whoever said it can hold a clear conscience in their mind. I know it's harsh to destroy what is clearly a heartfelt crush on the girl but that's all I can say.