I think I'm about to be dumped.
- Thread starter Squilookle
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You're being a lot nicer than I would be, I'll tell you that.
If I was told "I love you but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you" I'd probably start off by giving the young lady a very disapproving look. I wouldn't go into histrionics or anything, but I'd tell her that she needs to short herself out and within a reasonable time frame.
I think you're a very nice fella, but I think you're being understanding to the point where it's ridiculous. Your time and your feelings are worth more.
If I was told "I love you but I'm not sure I'm still in love with you" I'd probably start off by giving the young lady a very disapproving look. I wouldn't go into histrionics or anything, but I'd tell her that she needs to short herself out and within a reasonable time frame.
I think you're a very nice fella, but I think you're being understanding to the point where it's ridiculous. Your time and your feelings are worth more.
Dude I'm absolutely dying to know how it all turned out
I just wanna add in... You sound like an amazingly sweet guy and I genuinely hope you end up happy after whatever direction this took ^_^
I just wanna add in... You sound like an amazingly sweet guy and I genuinely hope you end up happy after whatever direction this took ^_^
Hey everyone. Sorry I've kept you all waiting so long- It's been a busy and hectic time for me lately.
So: We left off back in mid-March, with the relationship in a state of apparent limbo. We were going through all the motions, but it didn't really seem like my girlfriend's heart was in it.
[HEADING=1]The Limbo Period[/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]The Europe Days[/HEADING]
Wow, this post is really getting out of hand- sorry about that. I'll have to head off to work soon, so I'll put the rest in later.
Also:
So: We left off back in mid-March, with the relationship in a state of apparent limbo. We were going through all the motions, but it didn't really seem like my girlfriend's heart was in it.
[HEADING=1]The Limbo Period[/HEADING]
Things did improve slightly after the shower thing though; she still seemed distant, but less so. We started having sex again too, and going out as much as we were able. I went with her to the travel agents to pick up her Contiki documents for Europe, and ignored the dread in my gut about it as I stayed positive and supportive to her about the trip, which she vaguely felt apprehensive about, as it would be her first solo trip abroad.
Much as I felt at the time that we should probably split, she seemed to be growing ever-happier around me in the lead up to the trip. I had made my choice to let her do the dumping if it was going to come to that, so I had ruled myself out of the option of ending it myself. I cared so much for her that I couldn't really imagine myself doing it anyway.
That left me with one last option, and the option I dreaded almost as much as breaking up: A hall pass. A free ticket. A period of open relationship.
It churned my stomach even just to think of my girlfriend going off and having sex with other men, but looking into the future, I could see it as the only way for her to be able to move past her state of feeling like she was 'missing out.' I knew it would be difficult for me, but the idea that it would be with men on the other side of the world made it seem more bearable. I spoke with many of my friends about the proposal. Many of them agreed it was a shit situation but may be the only way to salvage it. A few were very wary of it though, telling me that they've never seen it mend a relationship, always being followed with a split afterwards anyway etc etc.
So we reach the day before her trip, and she hasn't said anything about what she wants with us. I come over to hang out, and check and double check that her bag is packed and ready to go, as I don't want her to have anything like that on her mind during the talk we're about to have. I get up off the bed, close the door so we can have privacy, and sit back down.
"OK, so, it's now the day before you go overseas- the day you said you would make your decision about whether we'd stay together or not. I'd like to know what you think about us."
She's nodding her head as I say this, and when I finish she tells me that she's very happy with me, she couldn't be happier with the relationship, and that she is happy to let it continue. She follows this up by asking me how I feel about us.
"Well..." I begin, doubtfully. I notice her slightly tense up.
I talk about her doubts about missing out on her youth, and how I felt these doubts would only intensify over time, and that there was very little I was able to do about it. I talk slowly and carefully, not wanting anything to be misunderstood here. I see her eyes well up with tears, but she sits motionless, listening. Waiting. On seeing her getting upset, I interrupt myself to tell her I am not breaking up with her, and that's not what this is about, so she doesn't have to worry about anything like that. She lets out a sigh of relief and releases a few tears down her face. As she dabs them away, I continue:
"You know I love you very much, and I don't want to break up with you, but I also don't want to hold you in this relationship in a way that leaves you always looking back at what could have been. So... I think... while you're in Europe... you should feel free to... experiment with other men."
Silence for a moment. She's paused again, tissue halted mid-dab. She blinks twice. "Wow."
"Not what you were expecting, right?"
We both break into nervous laughter. She definitely agrees it's not what she was expecting. She can see the logic behind it though, as she asks me questions about when/how I decided on this, discusses how it may help, that sort of thing.
"I suppose while I'm gone you'll be wanting a pass back here as well?" She queries.
I tell her I thought it would be psychologically vital that I had one as well. She completely understood and agreed. (To be honest, the more I thought about her doubts on missing out, the more they stirred in me similar feelings I had experienced over the course of the relationship. For me they were always easily ignored though, because of what a great thing I thought I had found). She goes on to muse that even if she doesn't end up using the pass, it would allow her to enjoy the nights out more- simply knowing that there wasn't a barrier to be mindful of. This makes me a little uneasy to think that whether she uses it or not could be up in the air. I would much rather know ahead of time if she was going to use it or not. Later on I tell her that in truth, I wanted her to use it. If she had it and didn't use it, we'd be right back where we started when she returned, and nothing would have changed. Not to mention I'd feel pretty rotten if I slept with someone while she was gone and she didn't do the same.
She seems to get more excited about the idea as time goes on, clapping her hands, throwing herself around me and declaring me the best boyfriend ever. We agreed to a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy about the whole thing, figuring that whatever happened would be the past when she got back. She has a late meet-up with her two best friends to go to on this night, and we both joke how she'll have one hell of an interesting bit of news for them when she sees them.
Interestingly enough, while one of them sees the merit in the idea, and is as excited as she is about the possibilities it opens up, the other friend is extremely worried about it. As with my friends, my girlfriend's seem split on whether it will help as well.
Much as I felt at the time that we should probably split, she seemed to be growing ever-happier around me in the lead up to the trip. I had made my choice to let her do the dumping if it was going to come to that, so I had ruled myself out of the option of ending it myself. I cared so much for her that I couldn't really imagine myself doing it anyway.
That left me with one last option, and the option I dreaded almost as much as breaking up: A hall pass. A free ticket. A period of open relationship.
It churned my stomach even just to think of my girlfriend going off and having sex with other men, but looking into the future, I could see it as the only way for her to be able to move past her state of feeling like she was 'missing out.' I knew it would be difficult for me, but the idea that it would be with men on the other side of the world made it seem more bearable. I spoke with many of my friends about the proposal. Many of them agreed it was a shit situation but may be the only way to salvage it. A few were very wary of it though, telling me that they've never seen it mend a relationship, always being followed with a split afterwards anyway etc etc.
So we reach the day before her trip, and she hasn't said anything about what she wants with us. I come over to hang out, and check and double check that her bag is packed and ready to go, as I don't want her to have anything like that on her mind during the talk we're about to have. I get up off the bed, close the door so we can have privacy, and sit back down.
"OK, so, it's now the day before you go overseas- the day you said you would make your decision about whether we'd stay together or not. I'd like to know what you think about us."
She's nodding her head as I say this, and when I finish she tells me that she's very happy with me, she couldn't be happier with the relationship, and that she is happy to let it continue. She follows this up by asking me how I feel about us.
"Well..." I begin, doubtfully. I notice her slightly tense up.
I talk about her doubts about missing out on her youth, and how I felt these doubts would only intensify over time, and that there was very little I was able to do about it. I talk slowly and carefully, not wanting anything to be misunderstood here. I see her eyes well up with tears, but she sits motionless, listening. Waiting. On seeing her getting upset, I interrupt myself to tell her I am not breaking up with her, and that's not what this is about, so she doesn't have to worry about anything like that. She lets out a sigh of relief and releases a few tears down her face. As she dabs them away, I continue:
"You know I love you very much, and I don't want to break up with you, but I also don't want to hold you in this relationship in a way that leaves you always looking back at what could have been. So... I think... while you're in Europe... you should feel free to... experiment with other men."
Silence for a moment. She's paused again, tissue halted mid-dab. She blinks twice. "Wow."
"Not what you were expecting, right?"
We both break into nervous laughter. She definitely agrees it's not what she was expecting. She can see the logic behind it though, as she asks me questions about when/how I decided on this, discusses how it may help, that sort of thing.
"I suppose while I'm gone you'll be wanting a pass back here as well?" She queries.
I tell her I thought it would be psychologically vital that I had one as well. She completely understood and agreed. (To be honest, the more I thought about her doubts on missing out, the more they stirred in me similar feelings I had experienced over the course of the relationship. For me they were always easily ignored though, because of what a great thing I thought I had found). She goes on to muse that even if she doesn't end up using the pass, it would allow her to enjoy the nights out more- simply knowing that there wasn't a barrier to be mindful of. This makes me a little uneasy to think that whether she uses it or not could be up in the air. I would much rather know ahead of time if she was going to use it or not. Later on I tell her that in truth, I wanted her to use it. If she had it and didn't use it, we'd be right back where we started when she returned, and nothing would have changed. Not to mention I'd feel pretty rotten if I slept with someone while she was gone and she didn't do the same.
She seems to get more excited about the idea as time goes on, clapping her hands, throwing herself around me and declaring me the best boyfriend ever. We agreed to a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy about the whole thing, figuring that whatever happened would be the past when she got back. She has a late meet-up with her two best friends to go to on this night, and we both joke how she'll have one hell of an interesting bit of news for them when she sees them.
Interestingly enough, while one of them sees the merit in the idea, and is as excited as she is about the possibilities it opens up, the other friend is extremely worried about it. As with my friends, my girlfriend's seem split on whether it will help as well.
[HEADING=1]The Europe Days[/HEADING]
She leaves the next morning, right about the time I'm off to work. Throughout the day, I catch myself looking at the clock, imagining where her plane must still be flying on its way from Melbourne to London. One of my friends, a very happily single punk rocker high school friend who I always used to go clubbing with, is mighty excited about the days ahead and appoints himself in charge of getting me laid after four years of me being out of 'the game'. I can't say I feel all that enthusiastic about it, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd feel pretty useless as a guy who lets his girlfriend jet off to sleep with other guys without having any action of his own back home. You might think it sounds pretty pathetic, and I'd agree with you, but for better or worse, I felt it was imperative that I have some sort of fling while she's off touring Europe with all sorts of different men getting to ogle her as I've always seen local guys do.
My friend and I have many adventures during this time, going out as often as humanly possible over the 3 weeks to recapture the spirit of our old clubbing days. We both sign up to multiple online dating sites while we're at it to try our luck, and we start heading out to every gig he hears about, to mingle with his punk crowd. I joined a group another friend was in, devoted to picking up women during the middle of the day. I was very curious to see how that worked, so gave that a shot too.
Desperation, people. That's what this was. A very hectic, exhausting, and nerve-wracking time for me as the days ticked down, heading out on many nights and getting very little sleep, but with no true success. I've never seen myself as anything more than average looking so my confidence wasn't too high- the time limit effect certainly wouldn't have helped. I took the occasional nights off to go and watch the latest Game of Thrones with her family, who are all big fans of the show too.
Every now and then, a text would come through from her, giving a brief update on where she was, what sights she'd seen, and so on.
I miss you though. I love you heaps, hope you're doing good
Hey Sexy. I'm currently on the road through the German countryside and was thinking about you. You're the best. I love you.
I love you heaps and can't wait to see you.
I'd always reply and echo her love, feeling for the first time in over half a year that perhaps we were mended. I wondered if she was getting with anyone, but as I told my friend, I wouldn't care how many guys she got with so long as it enabled her to leave all her doubts behind.
The world of online dating proved to be a brutal one. My friend, with his full sleeve tattoos and band member status, was having girls message him left and right, while I barely even got a reply to mine. Guess I didn't stand out enough. Needless to say that the whole useless exercise made me feel incredibly shit. REALLY shit. How much easier, I thought to myself, must it be for my girlfriend right now, in a foreign land, with an outgoing, directly-approach-men mentality, bright pink hair, on a continent where men were far more aggressive in approaching women (or so I had heard, anyway).
It came down to the final weekend before her return mid next week, and the last opportunity I'd have to go out. It was a 27th out at a club. I was going with my friend and a girl who had been through a bad breakup a few weeks before. I'd heard through the grapevine that she was seriously considering sleeping with me, as we both got on like a house on fire whenever we sat down and just talked, but for her it still seemed too close to her breakup to be sure if she was ready for anything.
I felt strongly attracted to this girl- so much so that even in my 'God-I-have-to-get-laid-to-assert-myself-as-a-man' state of self pity, I decided at one point I would not pursue her, partially because she was a committed relationship type, and for her sleeping with a guy who would become unavailable as soon as his girlfriend got back wouldn't help her. Also my friend was starting to fall for her too and I thought it would be much healthier for both of them to be together.
So me and this girl are hanging around outside the club, just chatting away, when she tenses, grabs my hand, and strides off leading me down the street. She had just spotted her ex, who's supposed to be in Western Australia, outside a bar with another woman. She apologises for her reaction, then bursts into tears.
I step forward and take her in my arms, and she sobs into my chest, clutching me tightly. We stand there in the street, holding each other, and I'm reminded of the many times my girlfriend has had breakdowns. Sometimes because of things said to her, sometimes because of pill effects, sometimes for no reason at all. For me, it's not uncomfortable at all to be in this situation, as just being there to help someone through a moment of horrible sadness helps make me feel like a worthwhile person. In a moment such as this, all thoughts of getting laid, proving myself to myself, ensuring I have a good time on this night; they all fade away. As I look down into this girl's eyes as she starts feeling better, I think to myself what things may have been like if I were single, if I'd met this girl instead of my girlfriend, how things may have been different....
I know what you're thinking- I'm going to fall for this girl and my girlfriend will slip from my mind. Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't a soap opera. I have a girlfriend and that's all there is to it. I'm not going to ditch her for someone else just because.
Anyway, she composes herself, I make sure she's OK, and we head into the club. She goes and sits opposite me with my friend, while I start chatting up some other girl. Things are going well, though very slowly, but I'm enjoying myself and am playing along. At one point I got up to get a drink/go to the toilet/something or other, and found myself walking along the corridor with the girl I held outside. We're talking about nothing in particular, and go into our respective toilets.
I'm out first, so I decide to wait for her. She walks out slowly, deep in thought.
"I've made a decision" she offers, eventually. I ask what the decision is, not even knowing what it's about.
"I'm... not going to sleep with you tonight."
Considering I had ruled this out of ever happening long ago, and figured she'd see as well as I could how it wouldn't work between us, I take it as a compliment that she was seriously considering it in the first place. Without skipping a beat I tell her I'm glad she's made that decision, and have nothing but respect for her for making that choice. We go back to where we were sitting down, and I resume talking to this other girl.
With the other girl and my friend joking and critiquing the way I'm 'picking up' this girl, I simply stop caring what they, or anyone else thinks. I go in for the kiss, she responds, and we share a moment with the others watching with absolutely nothing to say.
Take THAT, naysayers!
Anyway, seeing how well we're doing, the other two decide they're going to leave. I say my goodbyes and give them a hug, then go back to my girl. We kiss for a little while longer, then decide to catch a cab back to her friend's place where she's staying. She's showing token resistance all the way, talking about having to work in the morning, how small her mattress is (and it WAS small, maybe only 60cm wide!), how others would be sharing the room etc. I just took it all in my stride, and soon enough we had the room to ourselves, with the lights -and our clothes- off.
We were at it for two hours. That irrational need to prove myself arising again, about 3/4 of that time was spent in foreplay, working on erasing any further doubts she may have had. Needless to say, when morning came a few short hours later, we were both wrecked!
It finished well though. We both got dressed, her into her work clothes, and we had a bit of fun talking while she drove me to a train station on the way. After one last kiss, I wished her good luck for her shift (thanks, I'll need it!) and strolled up to the station.
I distinctly remember standing there on the platform waiting for the train, mulling over last night's events. I asked myself if I felt like I had cheated on my girlfriend. After a moment's thought, I decided I didn't feel like I had at all. I hadn't done anything outside the rules we'd set down, afterall. More than anything though I felt immense relief that I did get with someone while my girlfriend was gone. This way, no matter what she was getting up to in Europe, I knew I wouldn't be completely empty handed on my end, either...
My friend and I have many adventures during this time, going out as often as humanly possible over the 3 weeks to recapture the spirit of our old clubbing days. We both sign up to multiple online dating sites while we're at it to try our luck, and we start heading out to every gig he hears about, to mingle with his punk crowd. I joined a group another friend was in, devoted to picking up women during the middle of the day. I was very curious to see how that worked, so gave that a shot too.
Desperation, people. That's what this was. A very hectic, exhausting, and nerve-wracking time for me as the days ticked down, heading out on many nights and getting very little sleep, but with no true success. I've never seen myself as anything more than average looking so my confidence wasn't too high- the time limit effect certainly wouldn't have helped. I took the occasional nights off to go and watch the latest Game of Thrones with her family, who are all big fans of the show too.
Every now and then, a text would come through from her, giving a brief update on where she was, what sights she'd seen, and so on.
I miss you though. I love you heaps, hope you're doing good
Hey Sexy. I'm currently on the road through the German countryside and was thinking about you. You're the best. I love you.
I love you heaps and can't wait to see you.
I'd always reply and echo her love, feeling for the first time in over half a year that perhaps we were mended. I wondered if she was getting with anyone, but as I told my friend, I wouldn't care how many guys she got with so long as it enabled her to leave all her doubts behind.
The world of online dating proved to be a brutal one. My friend, with his full sleeve tattoos and band member status, was having girls message him left and right, while I barely even got a reply to mine. Guess I didn't stand out enough. Needless to say that the whole useless exercise made me feel incredibly shit. REALLY shit. How much easier, I thought to myself, must it be for my girlfriend right now, in a foreign land, with an outgoing, directly-approach-men mentality, bright pink hair, on a continent where men were far more aggressive in approaching women (or so I had heard, anyway).
It came down to the final weekend before her return mid next week, and the last opportunity I'd have to go out. It was a 27th out at a club. I was going with my friend and a girl who had been through a bad breakup a few weeks before. I'd heard through the grapevine that she was seriously considering sleeping with me, as we both got on like a house on fire whenever we sat down and just talked, but for her it still seemed too close to her breakup to be sure if she was ready for anything.
I felt strongly attracted to this girl- so much so that even in my 'God-I-have-to-get-laid-to-assert-myself-as-a-man' state of self pity, I decided at one point I would not pursue her, partially because she was a committed relationship type, and for her sleeping with a guy who would become unavailable as soon as his girlfriend got back wouldn't help her. Also my friend was starting to fall for her too and I thought it would be much healthier for both of them to be together.
So me and this girl are hanging around outside the club, just chatting away, when she tenses, grabs my hand, and strides off leading me down the street. She had just spotted her ex, who's supposed to be in Western Australia, outside a bar with another woman. She apologises for her reaction, then bursts into tears.
I step forward and take her in my arms, and she sobs into my chest, clutching me tightly. We stand there in the street, holding each other, and I'm reminded of the many times my girlfriend has had breakdowns. Sometimes because of things said to her, sometimes because of pill effects, sometimes for no reason at all. For me, it's not uncomfortable at all to be in this situation, as just being there to help someone through a moment of horrible sadness helps make me feel like a worthwhile person. In a moment such as this, all thoughts of getting laid, proving myself to myself, ensuring I have a good time on this night; they all fade away. As I look down into this girl's eyes as she starts feeling better, I think to myself what things may have been like if I were single, if I'd met this girl instead of my girlfriend, how things may have been different....
I know what you're thinking- I'm going to fall for this girl and my girlfriend will slip from my mind. Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't a soap opera. I have a girlfriend and that's all there is to it. I'm not going to ditch her for someone else just because.
Anyway, she composes herself, I make sure she's OK, and we head into the club. She goes and sits opposite me with my friend, while I start chatting up some other girl. Things are going well, though very slowly, but I'm enjoying myself and am playing along. At one point I got up to get a drink/go to the toilet/something or other, and found myself walking along the corridor with the girl I held outside. We're talking about nothing in particular, and go into our respective toilets.
I'm out first, so I decide to wait for her. She walks out slowly, deep in thought.
"I've made a decision" she offers, eventually. I ask what the decision is, not even knowing what it's about.
"I'm... not going to sleep with you tonight."
Considering I had ruled this out of ever happening long ago, and figured she'd see as well as I could how it wouldn't work between us, I take it as a compliment that she was seriously considering it in the first place. Without skipping a beat I tell her I'm glad she's made that decision, and have nothing but respect for her for making that choice. We go back to where we were sitting down, and I resume talking to this other girl.
With the other girl and my friend joking and critiquing the way I'm 'picking up' this girl, I simply stop caring what they, or anyone else thinks. I go in for the kiss, she responds, and we share a moment with the others watching with absolutely nothing to say.
Take THAT, naysayers!
Anyway, seeing how well we're doing, the other two decide they're going to leave. I say my goodbyes and give them a hug, then go back to my girl. We kiss for a little while longer, then decide to catch a cab back to her friend's place where she's staying. She's showing token resistance all the way, talking about having to work in the morning, how small her mattress is (and it WAS small, maybe only 60cm wide!), how others would be sharing the room etc. I just took it all in my stride, and soon enough we had the room to ourselves, with the lights -and our clothes- off.
We were at it for two hours. That irrational need to prove myself arising again, about 3/4 of that time was spent in foreplay, working on erasing any further doubts she may have had. Needless to say, when morning came a few short hours later, we were both wrecked!
It finished well though. We both got dressed, her into her work clothes, and we had a bit of fun talking while she drove me to a train station on the way. After one last kiss, I wished her good luck for her shift (thanks, I'll need it!) and strolled up to the station.
I distinctly remember standing there on the platform waiting for the train, mulling over last night's events. I asked myself if I felt like I had cheated on my girlfriend. After a moment's thought, I decided I didn't feel like I had at all. I hadn't done anything outside the rules we'd set down, afterall. More than anything though I felt immense relief that I did get with someone while my girlfriend was gone. This way, no matter what she was getting up to in Europe, I knew I wouldn't be completely empty handed on my end, either...
Wow, this post is really getting out of hand- sorry about that. I'll have to head off to work soon, so I'll put the rest in later.
Also:
Mondai Randy said:
Who is TC? Is that meant to be me?Mondai Randy said:
I was just about to message you about this thread... Honestly, I'm glad things seemed to have gone decent so far. Personally though, I'm curious about her story when she returns. I hope it all turns out ok. I look forward to the next update