If the console wars was an actual war...

Mstrswrd

Always playing Touhou. Always.
Mar 2, 2008
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The PC would be the smaller but unimaginably powerful nation that has only recently started to show the effects of a prolonged war, and realize that the effects ran much deeper than intially thought. It has also realized that this war is one that it no longer has too much of an interest in. It has started to withdraw, not in defeat, but because it has realized the poinlessness of this war.

Nintendo and the Wii/DS combo would be neutral, and possibly refusing to get involved unless you step into their territory, at which point they are perhaps the most ruthless of those at least somewhat in the war. Remember, it is always the quite, peaceful ones. Also, Nintendo, being one of the last original fighters in this war, would still have the old respect and honor. They are ruthless, yes, but they were one of the first to aid Sega and allow their products into the land of Nintendo (put Sega games on their sytems) when they had to withdraw. Nintendo also has incredible power in most other nations, including ones where Microsoft, the PC, and Sony are in power.

Sega would be an almost cauality, beying slowly destroyed until it withdrew from the battles completely, and then, appealing to the others better sides, has started to manufacture goods for all of them. However, the effects of almost being destroyed are still felt, because even though they can still make newr, great products (games), their old standbuys are suffering from shell-shock (Yes, it's a Sonic reference), though it has started to get better ever so slowly.

Microsoft would be the massive country that has always been vaguely indifferent until it saw one of the other nations falter (Sega). It then slammed into the war with a startling power, that really only turned out to be a front. They weren't nearly as powerful as they seemed, at least, not until a few years after their entry, at which point they suddenly made a powerful new weapon... that broke down a lot. Some time later, a fixed version was released, but the main competitor of Microsoft, Sony, had already mostly caught up, and perhaps even surpassed them. Also, Microsoft, while having tremendous power in it's own country and in the area right around it, would have little power elsewhere.

Sony would have been the favored to win the war, until it discovered it was fighting the wrong enemy (Nintendo). Microsoft had tremendous power behind it, so even early loses to Sony didn't hamper it. With Microsofts new weapon (the 360), Sony was caught off guard. Blindsided by the new weapon, it would stumble around for some years, taking heavy loses in the lands it had gained from Microsoft, until both a new weapon was developed, and then people actually figured out how to use the damn thing. Now that they have, Sony has been making a fast and powerful comeback. Sony never lost too much power in it's home country, where it shares it's power with Nintendo in a tense ceasefire, understanding that as powerful as they are, Nintendo's power is much subtler, and to destory them might not even be possible. Even if it was, they themselves would be irrepably damaged by such an act, so they don't yet try, at least, not until Microsoft has either withdrawn or fallen so that they can devote all of their energy to such a goal. By that point, history suggects that their will eithe be a new competitor, or Nintendo will refuse to fight, doing it's own thing once again.

Apple, though not really a competitor, once tried (the Pippin). It was destroyed so fast that history barely even mentions it, and most people don't even realize they tried. Recently, however, a stealth force has invaded most other countries in the form of a multi-tool (the i-phone). Being an outsider who doesn't supply any nation, no-one realized until it was too late, and the new product was onwed by too many people. However, the new product has shown to be somewhat benevolent, doing it's own thing, seperate from the others, so the other's aren't bothered by it too much.
 

Jenkins

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Dec 4, 2007
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PC AND 360 would be allies because they are both controlled by Microsoft. so they would be 1 side that just kinda rapes anything else.

the WII would be a huge mob of 5 year olds and senior Citizens


and the PS3 army would have a real small man complex
 

kotorfan04

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Aug 7, 2009
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Hmm, lets see.
Xbox - Humans, average.
PS3 - Protoss, technologically advanced, but rare.
Wii - Zerg Rush, kekekekekeke.

Oh and the PC is of course hosting the battle.
 

Fniff

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Apr 15, 2009
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miracleofsound said:
I have a dream.

A dream of little white consoles and little black consoles playing together, in peace and harmony, and gamers will join hands as brothers and sisters.
THAT. WILL. NEVER. HAPPEN.

Imagine the console wars as the 40k war.
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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The PC would be the Belgium of the war. Except bigger ad tougher. But they still wouldn't get involved intentionally. They would, however, support the Xbox 360 gamers due to the whole Microsoft affiliation thing. Anyway, since all the actual decent shooters are either multiplatform (which includes XB360) or are XB360 exclusive, us XB360 gamers will have the knowledge and tactical expertise from them which will ensure we win. So no other console will really stand a chance anyway :D.
 

imp_spittle

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Nov 25, 2009
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There would be a lot of dead fanboys because they all shot their own feet off out of a complete lack of competence with real world weapons and expecting their health to regenerate. Peaceniks like miracleofsound would be all that is left.

miracleofsound said:
I have a dream.

A dream of little white consoles and little black consoles playing together, in peace and harmony, and gamers will join hands as brothers and sisters.
There will be much rejoicing at the death of all the ridiculous fanboys. The world would be a better place, free of flamewars based solely out of foolish loyalty to corporations that don't give a damn about you as a human being.
 

Random Argument Man

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May 21, 2008
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For once in my life, I'll bite to a console war. I'm going to do a metaphor

Let's say the PCs are the Nazis. That's what is going to happen.

Let's say the PS3s are the persians. [link=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZeYVIWz99I
]That's what's going to happen. [/link]

Let's say the Xboxes are a priest That's what is going to happen.

Let's say the Wiis are mafia henchmens in Gotham City
That's what's going to happen

Here's what I'm going to do with Apple.

Don't fuck with the guy who can't choose a specific console.
 

tsb247

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Mar 6, 2009
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swaki said:
The 360 army's weapons would stop working in the middle of the battle.
The Wii army would only be 5 man strong since the rest would be either to old or to young to recruit.
The ps3 army would have the newest and most powerful weapon, unfortunately they could only afford 3.
I know I'm probably the 5,000th person to say this, but this is the truest description of an imaginary console war I have ever heard!
 

crono738

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Sep 4, 2008
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xwhitey said:
swaki said:
The 360 army's weapons would stop working in the middle of the battle.
The Wii army would only be 5 man strong since the rest would be either to old or to young to recruit.
The ps3 army would have the newest and most powerful weapon, unfortunately they could only afford 3.
People give up now he wins great post.
Indeed.
He wins all of the cookies. ALL OF THEM.
 

adledog

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Dec 28, 2008
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Xbox army shows up first, is really adrenalized, and there are a lot of them, but about 60% of them pass out drunk halfway through

PS3 army shows up with awesome weapons, but only a quarter of them have weapons, while the rest have objects they forgot aren't actually weapons.

Wii army spends all their time flailing their guns around trying to get them to work.

PC army shows up with the most amazing weapons, but cant afford any bullets.
 

Fox242

El Zorro Cauto
Nov 9, 2009
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That would be bloody and terrible war. The gaming community would destroy itself while the rest of the world watched for their amusement. No body would really win. I'd fight and die with the Playstationers, but there would be no point to it.
 

Kollega

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Jun 5, 2009
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Xbox 360 army is relatively big in numbers, and it's willingness to fight is bigger than everyone else's. But their guns tend to overheat and jam at the worst possible moment, and soldiers just WON'T FOLLOW ANY ORDERS. Without calling commander a fag, at least.

PS3 army is a small, well-trained unit, where everyone knows everyone else by their first name. Their technology and weapons are outstanding (both console and weapons you can find in it's games are really powerful), they are trained in stealth (thank you, MGS!) - but even after lowering costs of weaponry, they cannot afford recruiting enough soldiers to actually do any substantial damage.

Wii army has biggest numbers, but their weapons are sub-par, and their soldiers are not combat-ready. The trick is, they don't really give a shit about this "console wars" business going on.

The PC faction is a large crowd of bucaneers, who keep stealing their ammo instead of buying it, and have problems with compatibility of their guns and said ammo.

In the end, they'll just kill eachother off. And then...
miracleofsound said:
I have a dream.

A dream of little white consoles and little black consoles playing together, in peace and harmony, and gamers will join hands as brothers and sisters.
This dream will come true, because all the insane fanboys are dead.
 

Guitarmasterx7

Day Pig
Mar 16, 2009
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The nintendo army would be the largest. However they would also consist almost entirely of little kids and old people and they're only equipped with nerf guns and super soakers. Also, whenever they want to interact with one another they have to exchange 16 digit ID tag numbers and only 1 out of 1000 has a headset, which can only be used by soldiers using blue nerf guns, which are bad even by nintendo weapon standards, so communication is scarce. They often freeze up and cannot move or see the other combatants in the warzone, however no matter how clearly under equipped and weak they may be they are still the most vicious warriors of all and are usually quickest to jump into combat.

The Xbox army would consist of two groups: college fratboys with various machineguns whooping wildly as they mow down enemies, and little kids who hold handguns sideways and miss every shot but think they're gangsta. Their machineguns are generally very accurate, but the soldiers have to buy their own bullets. They work as a team, but constantly erupt into feuds accusing one another of being homosexuals. Also, long time members constantly collapse from overheating at random because the suits they wear don't vent properly.

The PS3 would be the smallest army with pretty much the same machineguns as the xbox guys, but they tend to misfire a lot and for some reason they will often find themselves shooting an enemy soldier standing completely still yet seeing no effect. They have a few big guns, but the ammunition for them is very scarce so a majority of the time they go unused and some of them don't even shoot anything worth loading. They communicate primarily through text as only about 1 in 10 soldiers bought and wears the uncomfortable bluetooth communication device. They have the technological advantage of having vision enhancing goggles, but since the wii users usually have bed time early and the xbox users are generally passed out drunk, nighttime combat is rare so the night vision function goes mainly unused and the other functionalities aren't substantially useful enough to give them an advantage.

The PC army would prance around like assholes wearing giant, aesthetically pleasing well polished bulletproof suits of chrome with tubes going from their asses to their nostrils because they love the smell of their own farts. They have no unique weapons other than the large canons that require thousands of people and millions of dollars to fire which shoot a slow moving mortar that explodes with pillow fluff, and only serves to bore the other armies and earn them the stereotype of nerds with no social life. They do have some of the same weapons as the xbox and ps3 armies, but they never use them, they just use large megaphone apparatuses to tell everyone else how much better than them they are in voices that sound like stereotypical stuck up aristocrats.

A Majority of the combat would happen between the Xbox and PS3 armies, as they are almost identical, don't perceive the wii army as much of a threat and don't see much of a point in trying to get through the bulletproof pc suits when their main weapons are nice looking pillow mortars. Whenever the wii army would intervene they would be instantly mowed down, and whenever the pc army got involved everyone would just groan and walk away muttering annoyed profanities under their breath. Most importantly, despite how many are killed, the documented body count would remain at zero because everyone always thinks they win this kind of thing.