I would have to say a Bioshock gritty action gore-fest with no attempts at subtle humour and satire, nor the amazing revelation near the end of the game. So pretty much an undersea shoot-em-up movie with junkies.
Edit: Oh an isn't Rottnest Island the island with all those little critters which you punt around? Or am I mistaken?
Keanu Reeves plays Gordon Freeman, the one freeman, in an attempt to overthrow the machines Combine. His emotions range from a piece of cardboard to a piece of plywood, and often says several one-liners before killing someone with a lead pipe or the gravity gun which in the movie serves as a just a big gun. He often solves whatever puzzles that stand in his way with brute force. He also wears shades instead of glasses because we all know that Gordon Freeman looks way to nerdy and needs to be more badass.
Ya, pretty much went in with that mentality for my post. Imagine that combo on Half Life. I don't know if I could ever go back to the franchise. I still remember the response to Uwe Boll's offer to do a Metal Gear movie.
I think I covered the PAINFULLY OBVIOUS UWE BOLL CHARACTERIZATION by saying that even if the son of god were to direct a film that poorly cast/written. Don't think you're being original or even the slightest bit witty by dragging that weasel-faced shit into your responses. Everybody ALREADY KNEW Boll would be the prime candidate for this particular thread in the slot of director of worst adaptation of gaming film.
I made a thread like this awhile ago [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.112428#1999252]. Don't worry, I'm not a search bar nazi, and if I were I'd understand.
Just take any game and make the cast High School Musical or Hannah Montana actors. Zelda starring Zac Efron comes to mind. Also a Half Life musical.
And here's a terrifying idea: Stephanie Meyer and whoever directed the Twilight movie making a Castlevania movie.
Live action Team Fortress 2. And the reason I say this is because most actors today don't have the scope or the balls to be a funny dangerous character. Although Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Heavy might work, seeing as the heavy is pretty one dimensional.
Inspired by a nightmare I had once. I woke up, and the first thing I did was fire up photoshop to recreate it a best I could. I'm warning you, it's so bad it's horrible. You will require Mind Bleach if you view this image.
Inspired by a nightmare I had once. I woke up, and the first thing I did was fire up photoshop to recreate it a best I could. I'm warning you, it's so bad it's horrible. You will require Mind Bleach if you view this image.
Scrythe...I saw that and started laughing. In fact, I think I made my roommate piss herself with that laugh. I think that picture just snapped my last semblance of reality.
Left 4 Dead. Not that it'd be hard to muck up considering its lack of story to begin with, but right now it's my only good game to think of since I haven't played many video games lately.
Vin Diesel will probably be Francis
Either Jack Nicholson or maybe a grayed up Nicholas Cage for Bill
Mekhi Pfiefer for Louis would suck. Of course, most black actors wouldn't do well for Louis since they wouldn't be able to pull off "panicked office worker" motif with their appearances and acting histories. So, scratch Mekhi...It'll probably be Ving Rhames. Because we all know Uwe goes for the total opposite extreme.
Zoey would probably wind up stuck as Angelina Jolie or maybe Jennifer Aniston (I actually like Aniston, however she would not make a good Zoey.)
Now, since we're on the subject of making this movie terrible to begin with. Let's throw in some homages to dead celebrities to piss off the viewers, eh? We'll need someone that looks like Proof from D12. And Michael Jackson, can't possibly forget to add a face so recently deceased. Imagine the pitchforks grabbed for that one. Fara Faucet, Elvis (actually by now people would laugh at a zombie Elvis), maybe Bernie Mac and Heath Ledger.
Just for an extra spice, each of these zombie homages get the most destructive damage to 'em. If at all possible, get some references to their actual deaths too.
Think that'd piss people off enough? I already know that "Uwe Boll" tells me that I'm going to spend half the movie laughing at the stupid shit and the other half crying at the rape this poor game-turned-movie went through.
How about... David Lynch directing a movie adaptation of Linger in Shadows? No wait, that might actually be GOOD...
Satoshi Kon directing an adaptation of Noby Noby Boy... no, that's far too good for this thread...
Ok, what about that Clarkson bloke from Top Gear doing a Gran Turismo movie? NOOO... too good...
Here's somebody who would be wrong for video game movie material... Francis Ford Coppola directing an adaptation of The Sims... which would work better if it was in David Lynch's hands.
Metal Gear Solid, starring someone other than David Hayter in horrid-budgeted live action with characters that don't even resemble their original ones and a story that most definitely is an off-shoot off the MGS canon.
Or better yet, Left 4 Dead starring Sean Connery as Bill, Samuel L Jackson as Louis, Jennifer Hale as Zoey and someone I can't rightly think of right now as Francis, in a post-apocalyptic city where there's an actual story connection between their "campaigns" but none of which make sense at all if they had been in the game to begin with (basically they would fuck it up even with the game being void of significant story elements).
MGS by Mel Brooks? Maybe in the the good old days, when you could have had a cast worth a salt. Dom De Luise as Snake? Mel himself as Otacon? I could almost see it...Couldn't be taken seriously, though. Would be a fantastic planned mockery of everything that series has ever made us endure.
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