Iranian Scientist Claims Mastery of Time Travel - UPDATED

Andy Chalk

One Flag, One Fleet, One Cat
Nov 12, 2002
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Iranian Scientist Claims Mastery of Time Travel - UPDATED


An Iranian scientist has registered a device called the "Aryayek Time Traveling Machine" with the nation's Center for Strategic Inventions.

I've often said that no good can come from time travel, because sooner or later somebody's going to flip out and step on a butterfly and then ka-blammo, it's dystopian nightmare time. It's a terrible power by any measure - and now Tehran-based scientist Ali Razeghi claims to have perfected a "time-traveling machine" that he's been working on for the past ten years, and he's now registered it with the Iranian government.

The good news is that the device won't let Iran send modern troops back to, say, 1776 to nip this whole Great Satan thing in the bud. Instead, it foretells with great detail and accuracy the next five to eight years of the life of its user. "It will not take you into the future," Razeghi said. "It will bring the future to you."

This is still problematic. With it, the Iranian government could ensure maximum preparedness for future military conflicts or fluctuations in oil prices, or plot its foreign relations with allies and adversaries with a far greater degree of certainty than has ever before been possible.

"Naturally a government that can see five years into the future would be able to prepare itself for challenges that might destabilize it. As such we expect to market this invention among states as well as individuals once we reach a mass production stage," Razeghi said. He also dismissed concerns that his future-seeing device violates Islamic religious tenets, adding, "The Americans are trying to make this invention by spending millions of dollars on it where I have already achieved it by a fraction of the cost."

The good news for those concerned about the possibility of a prescient Iranian state is that Razeghi hasn't yet built a prototype of the device, apparently because he's worried about copyright issues. "The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight," he said.

Source: The Telegraph [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/iran/9985757/Iranian-scientist-claims-to-have-invented-time-machine.html]

UPDATE: I am shocked - SHOCKED! - to report that Iran has now officially denied that it has a time machine.

"Making scientific claims is free for all, but registration of these claims as inventions should undergo certain legal stages based on scientific proofs and evidence," Iran's Deputy Minister of Science, Research and Technology Mohammad Mehdinejad Nouri told Fars News Agency [http://english.farsnews.com/newstext.php?nn=9107160122]. "Such a claim has not been registered in Iran's State Organization for Registration for Strategic Inventions."

An absolutely baffling deception, to be sure - but, I must admit, a relieving conclusion.


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BoogieManFL

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Apr 14, 2008
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If he hasn't built it yet, how can he possibly know it works? Let alone claim it can look forward with 98% accuracy. It would have to have a working example and enough time to pass to check the results.

Simply knowing the future would probably change it. Seems to me it would be somewhat different every time you used it as a result. Didn't Iran fake images/reports of a new jet fighter and some missile launches awhile back?

Also, I call BS.
 

VanQ

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Oct 23, 2009
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"The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight," he said.
Holy shit, I am both endlessly amused by this statement and endlessly horrified by the very concept of such a device in the hands of the Chinese Government. I do NOT want to have to live in that world. I can see 5 years into the future if that were to ever happen because I know for damned sure I'd be at the forefront of the rebel movement.
 

SwimmingRock

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Andy Chalk said:
The good news is that the device won't let Iran send modern troops back to, say, 1776 to nip this whole Great Satan thing in the bud. Instead, it foretells with great detail and accuracy the next five to eight years of the life of its user. "It will not take you into the future," Razeghi said. "It will bring the future to you."
Fun fact: time also brings the future to you. In fact, there's nothing you can do to stop that.

Yes, I know that's not exactly what he meant. I read it. Still, it sounds really stupid. If nothing else, shouldn't he be able to use such a device to figure out how to keep China from stealing the device? I mean, really, if you have future knowledge, being a dumbass in the present is inexcusable.

You know, unless you're lying about your time machine.

EDIT: And another thing! If you want to keep people from stealing your time machine plans, I'm pretty sure step 1 should be: don't announce to the entire fucking world that you've designed a time machine. Seriously, even if I believed you could make a time machine, I wouldn't believe he'd done it, because he's clearly an idiot.
 

Zombie_Moogle

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Dec 25, 2008
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Genocidicles said:


Let's all cower in fear everyone! As soon as he builds this thing we're doomed!
& here I was at a lose for words in which to respond to this article; seems like you've summed it up quite nicely :)

Until this guy shows up with a fistful of winning lottery tickets, I remain happily skeptical
 

AstylahAthrys

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Is this like North Korea and the unicorns? I think this is like North Korea and the unicorns: total BS. I'll believe it when I see it.
 

RJ Dalton

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I literally laughed out loud when I saw the title of this article. Having read it through, yeah, I'm laughing even harder. I cry bullshit.
 

Thaluikhain

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The...

...

Actually, not so outlandish, depending on how it's supposed to see into the future. Predicting things is nothing new. If he'd come up with some method of predicting social/finance/whatever trends, he wouldn't be wrong as such.
 

Remus

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Nov 24, 2012
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I think Nicholas Cage said it best
In other news, Korean computers are now using a variation of Missile Command from the Atari 2600 as a future targeting system. But not really.
 

Bobic

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Nov 10, 2009
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Why thank you Andy for reminding me of one of the dumber scenes in the history of cinema with that image. "No, I couldn't just sit on the counter like a normal person, I need to leap up into a mid air split action and balance precariously across the counters". Van Damme, you are as dammed crazy as this Iranian guy and his crystal ball.
 

duchaked

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Dec 25, 2008
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I'm trying to read his quotes in the voice of a sane person but it's not working :/ I don't even know
 

anian

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Unless it's a two point talkie-walkie thing (where there are two machines, like a camera and a monitor), EVEN if this thing works, it's practically useless on a bigger scale such as weapon development or similar.
Why? Just take into account the Earth's rotation around the Sun and that already really limits the complete alignment. Not to mention the Milky way rotation. Unless the machine moves in space as well as time, most likely you'll be staring at the vast emptiness of space.

So...
 

IamLEAM1983

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Ahmadinejad: "Aw, damnit, why won't anyone take us seriously?"
Kim Jong-Un: "I know! Here's what we're missing: Death rays! Let's say we can build those, they'll totally take us seriously this time!"
Ahmadinejad: "You sure? You sounded pretty ecstatic about this idea of hypnotic suggestion being snuck into American broadcasts. That went nowhere fast."
Kim Jong-Un: "Trust me, we're not cartoon characters. I mean, Boris Badenoff and Natasha Fatale failed every time because they're stupid. We're not, we're human! What's more, we're not American! We can totally nail this death ray thing!"
Ahmadinejad: "Okay, then."
Kim Jong-Un: "Let me just finish torrenting my research material off of my superfast 56K modem. It'll take a couple years."
Ahmadinejad: "What's that material, exactly?"
Kim Jong-Un: "Oh, just the best in cutting-edge American engineering. They've got this company called Acme, see? There's this guy, Wile E., who swears by them."