Is it that hard to find a virgin?

[BehattedWanderer]

Well, drugs and sex didn't happen until college, really, and alcohol consumption was minimal in high school, so maybe? But, the first day of college included all of that, by luck, and some skillful maneuvering. No point in condemning what you haven't tried, I say, and thus knowledge was gained. But I might advise not to judge a girl out just because she's not a virgin. Ask her about the conditions of it, whether it was in love or lust that it happened, whether he wore a condom, things like that. Not out of moral guidance, but out of facilitation--the longer you wait, and the longer you hold onto those rules in an age where birth control serves multiple purposes, the idea of friends with benefits or fuck buddies is widespread enough to be a thing, and where the concept of hooking up isn't seen as morally dubious, the harder it's going to be to find someone who fits into that category. Not saying you won't, but it'll take a bit more effort.

 

[lizards]

im so tired of this: grow up

women have sex, this is fact, just because one has doesnt make her dirty or unworthy or whatever else you think, some of the best women have just had one stupid night or were decieved into loving someone

furthermore what does it even matter? unless their is some phyiscal or mental mark they have it shouldnt even be taken into account

 

[Char-Nobyl]

So I have this thing about dating where I won't date anyone who has had sex with another man or who smokes and/or does drugs.

That's...quite a thing to have.

Call me old school or call me weird, but it is just part of my moral system. And today, during my sociology class, we got on the topic of sex and dating. I told the class my stand on such and they all chuckled. When I ask what was funny, someone told me that the chance of finding a girl like that now-a-days is almost impossible and that I should just give up on it.

...wow. I'm not sure how it's possible that you were so out of touch with high school in general that none of this occurred to you.

And it hit me, every person in my class, which ranged from 9th grade to 12th grade, that everyone had drank beer illegally,

Or been to a country with a lower drinking age. Or had a drink at home, under parental supervision. Or accepted church wine. Or any number of other things that would involve imbibing alcohol that aren't "[drinking] beer illegally."

Oh, or booze that isn't beer. That, too.

smoked pot and chewed,

What, no cigarettes on the list? How did chewing tobacco get on the list and they didn't?

or has had sex multiple times.

Or, you know, possibly just once. Because as you might not know, you stop being a virgin after your first time.

I could not believe it and even my teacher was not shocked in the least to hear that. He was actually agreeing with it.

Yeah. Because he's more in-tune with today's youth than you are. Which is kind of sad, considering that you're supposed to be a member of today's youth.

So basically, what I am as is, are there people who didn't illegally drink, smoke or who hadn't had sex during their high school years?

Look, man, to be entirely honest, this situation is entirely your own fault. It'd be one thing if you wanted someone who didn't smoke. That's not hard to find. It'd be another if you wanted someone who didn't drink. That's not terribly difficult to find, either. It's still not even too big a reach to want someone who had never had sex before.

But here's the two things that screw you: the first is simple demographics. Each time you add another condition, you narrow your dating pool further and further. All three of those combined covers a lot of any given high school population, and some of the people who don't fall into those categories are people you wouldn't want to date anyway.

The second thing: your attitude. You've somehow come to the conclusion that if someone has ever had a drink, ever smoked a cigarette, or been in a relationship before meeting you, it retroactively destroys any desirable traits they might have.

The funniest part? It's only going to get worse. A lot worse. Hilariously worse. You're in highschool, right? I don't think it's a stretch to assume that you won't find your purity-paragon bride until after college, and guess what happens towards the end of college? That's right: alcohol and cigarettes are actually legal. Anyone who didn't partake based on a legal obligation (already a minuscule number) won't even consider a relationship the holier-than-thou weirdo who claims they can never be together because he once saw her drink a glass of wine.

You know, in hindsight, I had similar feelings myself in high school. I didn't drink until after graduation, didn't smoke pot for the first time for another year, and another year later, just this summer, had my first foray into a hallucinogen (shrooms). In high school, I refused to date girls that drank or did anything else, and tried to date virgins where possible.

...look, man, I think I understand your intention, but for most people, you would end up coming across as "The guy who only goes after virgins." And being that guy isn't a good thing.

I'm 20 now, and boy have I changed a lot in just two years, let alone throughout high school. I used to think that dating a girl two grades different was not just strange but abhorrent, but now I realize that age is mostly irrelevant so long as love (or at least, understanding that it's not love but just sex, whichever the case may be) is there.

Yep. That's how getting older works. When you've got more years under your belt, two years is literally a less statistically relevant stretch of time than it was when you were younger. If I remember correctly, the average American male ends up marrying a woman roughly four years his junior.

 

[Death God]

So why is it virginity

I think the biggest issue i have with the "must be virgins" crowd, is that they treat sex like its something dirty to be ashamed of. Which is particularly ironic since they believe its a gift from god. I've seen people totally abandoned by their friends just because they "fell into sin." It's hypocritical and cruel, and it disgusts me. One of many reasons i'm not a christian.

I don't think it is dirty and shameful. I think it should have some meaning to it. Almost everyone of my friends have had sex before and I don't mind in the least. My moral doesn't come from any church, it comes from the background of my entire family getting pregnant and having a child before 17. I am the only person in my whole family who is 18 and has not got somebody knocked up which is a major accomplishment for me.

So why is it virginity and not that she has a kid, where you draw the line?

Because once you lose it the first time, it is hard to never have it again. And once you start having sex a lot, it will eventually lead to a kid.

Not if you get an abortion. Problem solved.

Don't believe in abortion unless a woman is raped. Again, not a religious thing; personal belief.

It's a legitimate medical procedure that allows a woman to exert greater control over her own body. I don't think a woman should be forced to have a baby just because she consented to sex, especially since childbirth is fairly dangerous. But maybe I'm the crazy one.

Well, you have your ideals and I have mine. I'll get say, lets agree, to disagree on this one.

Are you sure you're not religious? Because you seem to have morals that are religious, though with a fairly postmodern attitude about them. It's a combination that makes me shudder.

I believe in God, yes. But that is about it. If that makes it that my views are all base on religion, so be it.

You've not addressed your moral foundation so I wouldn't know. It does line up fairly exactly with medieval Christianity. I've not heard of a proper secular ethical system with your moral stances, but perhaps I might learn something new. I don't consider relativism a proper ethical system by the way, just to be clear.

As of right now, I attend a Catholic church but do not believe in their views. I having found any one church to fit my beliefs yet so I just put myself as christian. I believe in God and Jesus but I think the bible as been tweaked way too much over time. I also believe that churches try looking into things that they believe the bible says but, in reality, what they are quoting and interpreting gives no clear definition. So, I guess what I am saying is I do not believe in organized religion but I believe that everyone has their own beliefs and I accept that.

 

[DanielDeFig]

I'm a 21-year old virgin, who's never smoked anything, and who doesn't drink because my parents slowly introduced me to alcohol ever since I was curious, under their supervision (I got to soak one finger in their wine glass, and slowly moved up from there. Even now I don't really like the taste of Alcohol, I prefer sugary stuff. But at least I know, right?).

Do I realize I'm unusual in every one of those aspects?
Yes.
Do I realize you can't possibly judge a person based solely on "What they have/haven't done"? Yes.

 

[Chrishu]

No. Because jerks like me have sex with them, e.g. my most recent lady friend.

Also, don't get so hung up on purity. Find someone with good morals and nail 'em. Not hard.

 

[JoesshittyOs]

The fact that smoking weed and drinking alcohol somehow fall under "being a virgin" kinda concerns me, but yes.

It's really part of growing up to be completely honest with you. My parents managed to both fall under the category of not doing any of the stuff you mentioned up there before High School (or so I assumed, it's not something I ponder on for long periods of time), and I consider myself lucky that they were only very strict about my childhood. The traits developed by that type of behavior they reinforced (and I do love my both my parents very much) a very passive aggressive behavior, and it ended up kinda screwing with my social life, and helping spiral me into a depression.

It wasn't until I got talked into (or peer pressured) into doing the "bad" things and I actually started living a little. I started smoking weed, and I became very happy (Stopped this summer because of College and jobs)

My point is you're looking for a saint, and you aren't going to find one. And the one you find probably will turn out to be the devil.

Which now that I think about it, the last girl I did date hadn't drank, smoked, or had sex. And she was the Antichrist.

 

[khantron]

So why is it virginity

I think the biggest issue i have with the "must be virgins" crowd, is that they treat sex like its something dirty to be ashamed of. Which is particularly ironic since they believe its a gift from god. I've seen people totally abandoned by their friends just because they "fell into sin." It's hypocritical and cruel, and it disgusts me. One of many reasons i'm not a christian.

I don't think it is dirty and shameful. I think it should have some meaning to it. Almost everyone of my friends have had sex before and I don't mind in the least. My moral doesn't come from any church, it comes from the background of my entire family getting pregnant and having a child before 17. I am the only person in my whole family who is 18 and has not got somebody knocked up which is a major accomplishment for me.

So why is it virginity and not that she has a kid, where you draw the line?

Because once you lose it the first time, it is hard to never have it again. And once you start having sex a lot, it will eventually lead to a kid.

Not if you get an abortion. Problem solved.

Don't believe in abortion unless a woman is raped. Again, not a religious thing; personal belief.

It's a legitimate medical procedure that allows a woman to exert greater control over her own body. I don't think a woman should be forced to have a baby just because she consented to sex, especially since childbirth is fairly dangerous. But maybe I'm the crazy one.

Well, you have your ideals and I have mine. I'll get say, lets agree, to disagree on this one.

Are you sure you're not religious? Because you seem to have morals that are religious, though with a fairly postmodern attitude about them. It's a combination that makes me shudder.

I believe in God, yes. But that is about it. If that makes it that my views are all base on religion, so be it.

You've not addressed your moral foundation so I wouldn't know. It does line up fairly exactly with medieval Christianity. I've not heard of a proper secular ethical system with your moral stances, but perhaps I might learn something new. I don't consider relativism a proper ethical system by the way, just to be clear.

As of right now, I attend a Catholic church but do not believe in their views. I having found any one church to fit my beliefs yet so I just put myself as christian. I believe in God and Jesus but I think the bible as been tweaked way too much over time. I also believe that churches try looking into things that they believe the bible says but, in reality, what they are quoting and interpreting gives no clear definition. So, I guess what I am saying is I do not believe in organized religion but I believe that everyone has their own beliefs and I accept that.

Is there a moral system that you go by that isn't church-based, and if not how do you know that your beliefs about morals weren't tweaked in order to, let's say, preserve gender roles.

 

[Falcon123]

I am pretty similar to the OP in that I have a pretty hard stance against smoking, though not so much on the whole drinking/mild drugs (pot) thing. I really wanted to be with a virgin like me since I wouldn't have to stress about inexperience or being compared to anybody. Turns out, the girl I've been dating for 17 months, who is pretty much perfect for me and I love a lot, is saving herself for marriage like I am. And she's got all the faithful and trustworthy qualities that come with it. Sometimes, things just work out that way. <3

So there you go. We exist. Compromise where you can without losing who you are and all tends to work out

 

[Keepeas]

I'm in college and have not done any of those things...
I've tried alcohol...I don't like it.
I hate the smell of smoke...I won't try smoking.
While I am attracted to women...I haven't had the opportunity guts time to be with a girl.....hmmm....I need to work on that...

BTW, the quiet one that almost never interacts with the opposite sex is probably a virgin. (aka. me)

 

[peruvianskys]

im so tired of this: grow up

women have sex, this is fact, just because one has doesnt make her dirty or unworthy or whatever else you think, some of the best women have just had one stupid night or were decieved into loving someone

furthermore what does it even matter? unless their is some phyiscal or mental mark they have it shouldnt even be taken into account

I'm surprised how few people have responded this way; seriously, what is it about a woman being sexually active in the past that tarnishes her soul in such a way that you would never go for her?

The submissive, sheltered "good girl" is not a standard that you have any right to hold women up to. Treat them like people and accept that sometimes they do adult things whether you can control it or not.

 

[Ensiferum]

To answer your question yes there are people who abstain from all of those things you mentioned, however modern culture has degenerated to a point where it's considered the norm and since doing anything other than the norm makes a person "different," naturally they're ridiculed by said norm. Which is a shame. Then again most people are too lazy or afraid of being ridiculed to try being different.

 

[NightHawk21]

Don't take any offense by what I'm about to say, but I'm dead serious. Why is that your criteria for finding a girl, and honestly the older you get the worse off your odds at that criteria are going to be. Besides, does it really matter? The criteria you set has or rather will likely have almost no relevance to your relationship as you get older. Everyone has stuff they regret, and does knowing that someone once got drunk make them less of a person in your eyes? In all honesty, I think you're closing yourself off, but like always you're free to ignore any advice and find your own way through life. Good luck to you man.

P.S. Also as a side-note, how the hell do you even go about figuring this out, without directly asking them if they ever got drunk, smoked or had sex before.

 

[Syzygy23]

Since I'm sick of editing I'll post again. I'm going to guess it shouldn't be TOO hard up there... although it's kinda leftie there, right? Which means kinda hippie. I dunno man, your drinking age is kinda fucked up there.

Like everyone else said, you'll be able to find someone fitting the criteria, but my personal advice? Don't judge people by shit like that. I don't give a crap how many blokes she's shagged, if she has a great personality she has a great personality. Cheating is a different matter, though.

She has a great personality alright... and she ha some great crabs... and great herpes... and great HIV...

 

[Erana]

I'm in grad school and haven't had sex or abused substances!

...Except I'm a nonsexual asexual, and events in my life have put me so far off drugs that I feel guilty about taking over the counter painkillers more than three times a month.

And I never went to highschool...

You know, I'm probably not a very good representative of the general population of anything.

Still, being a virgin and not abusing substances is not a conscious choice on my part. Its just what makes me most comfortable and happy.

Does that automatically make me a match for you, OP? Well, if there's a degree of compatibility, I would assure you it would have nothing to do with the amount of drugs or sex I partake in.

Yeah, I typically view sexual activity in people in their mid teens and younger to be tasteless at best, people have different needs and lives and have still come out as decent people despite their tastes as kids.
In my vision of an ideal world, being a virgin isn't be a matter of pride nor shame, it is evidence that someone is taking the development of their sexuality at their own pace.
(or, if older, has yet to find a suitable partner for a healthy, happy relationship)

 

[Darkmantle]

Honestly I think you would have better luck if you weren't so extreme about what you want.

now bear with me here

I drank all through high school, gr. 10 and up. but only once every couple of months with 3-4 close pals.

I had sex with one partner, been dating her for 3 years (and counting)

now both of those things would disqualify me from your list, but are they really that bad? I mean neither of those things made me a bad guy, I've been faithful and honest with my partner. why does drinking occasionally and responsibly make me a worse person?

I believe you should amend your expectations a little, but just a bit.

Don't date someone who drinks excessively
don't date someone who does drugs excessively
Don't date someone who smokes (this I agree with you on, makes the smoker taste awful)
Don't date someone who has had sex more than once(maybe twice, up to you though)

the reason I advise this is to avoid absolutes. I've known girls who've lost their virginity to someone who they thought loved them, and regretted it ever since. If you find a girl like that, don't be hard on her, she is already beating up herself enough.

Also, your goals are not unobtainable. Those criteria i listed above were the same criteria I used to pick my girlfriend. I found her at 15, been with her ever since. keep looking.

 

[mega48man]

ok, so, my first gf was pretty much what you're looking for; faithful and responsible, but above all, pure and innocent. she broke up with me, it was hard, REAL HARD, she was my world, all that sobby nonsense. i'm still a virgin, but since then i've smoked pot and illegally drank alcohol.

moral of the story, DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME. even if you do find the girl you're looking for, it's gonna be real cute, but then pain you'll endure when it's over will be SO PAINFUL that you might as well go for a loose girl and have a good time while you're still in high school. although, now that everyone in your class knows you've never stepped outside the world of pre-teen life and into dangerous teenager life of sex drugs and rock n' roll (or is it deadmau5?) that might not happen.

but if you're really intent on finding this girl, it shouldn't be too hard. she'll be in a christan youth group, white, 14-18 w/e your preference you sick bastard, small circle of friends, she'll be very nice and sweet (essentially fluttershy), and if you can see those characteristics from afar, you've found her. BUT HEAD MINE WARNING, she'll put you back in the friend zone when you two are done, and it'll suck after how much you've grown to love her.

 

[Majorlagger]

don't give up or drop your standards, if your like i was then you do want a virgin and i responsible faithful girl. if she is still a virgin because she is saving herself for the right person. like my wife did for me. we got married a year and a half ago and we both fell in your range of parameters there are people out there with similar value's and i want to encourage you not to drop your standards and have faith she will come and it will be so much better.

 

[Koroviev]

Creepiest thread title I've seen in a bit...

Don't worry OP, there are plenty of people who haven't done the things you haven't done yet. Just keep looking. Hell, I bet a lot of people feel awkward for not smoking, drinking, having sex, and probably lied/laughed along with the person who said so in class just to 'fit in'.

I second the creepy thread vibe.

OT: Are you really going to interview people about their virginity? I don't know about anyone else, but I certainly wouldn't appreciate such an inquiry and, moreover, what it suggests about your view of others.

 

[Fai57]

Don't know if someone has already said this, but it's pretty likely that there were other people in that class that hadn't done any of those things. A lot of people, especially in high school, say that they've done those things when they haven't. So don't think that "everyone is doing it," because it really isn't everyone.